“That’s kind of heavy for a kid.”
“But I remember thinking, I guess if you’re retarded, you don’t have to go to purgatory or limbo, you go straight to heaven.”
“You Catholics—bizarre.”
“Oh, that’s not the bizarre part. I’ll never forget the first night of teaching. I was scared to death. I remember Sister gave us a last minute pep talk. The retarded pupils filed in. Sister stood a red-headed guy in front of me. He was short but stocky, his blazing hair lumped and swirled into a permanent bed head.”
“Cute.”
“Sister introduced us—Reggie was his name. He was very glad to see me. He says, I love you, Luanne, and gave me this long hug.”
“He was affectionate, like Marge on the Hall.”
“Yeah, but remember, I was a kid. I dreaded Wednesday nights. Reggie gawked around, snapped at his bleeding cuticles. His stubby teeth looked like kernels of corn. He smelled bad, and he jumped on every opportunity to give me a hug. Me, barely a teenager, and Reggie a grown man.”
“Yeah, I see what you mean.”
“One week, I was going through the lesson. I talked slow like Sister told us. Reggie began to shake and thump under the table. Obviously, something was wrong, but I didn’t know what, so I just kept teaching. The bouncing and racket caught the eye of Tim McKinney who was teaching at the other end of the table. He left the room and came back with Sister Thaddeus on his heels. Reggie shook, made low moaning sounds, had his head down on the table.”
“Oh, oh. I see where this is going.”
“I sat paralyzed on the other side, staring at him. I remember thinking he had spazzed into a fit. I was so relieved Tim McKinney had the sense to go get Sister. Sister Thaddeus shot across the room like she had roller skates under her habit.” I smile, Isabel throws back her head and laughs.
“She took Reggie by the arm and escorted him from the lunch room. After the door clicked shut, we all looked at each other. Nobody said a word.”
“Well, what happened?”
“Tim McKinney sat down in Reggie’s seat. He leaned across the table and whispered, Jeez, did you see that woody?”
“Oh my god.” Isabel slapped her knee.
“It’s funny now, but it wasn’t then. I remember I couldn’t sleep at night worrying about it. As if it was the worst thing …I didn’t realize how bad things could get.”
“Yeah, when you’re a kid your world is pretty small.” Isabel picks up a limp stalk. “Does this petunia have a worm? One whole side of the plant is gone.” She flops the wilted purple bloom back and forth in her hand.
“Something got at it. Who knows, one of the patients could have picked it, then just left it here.” I scratch lightly around the base of the plants and sprinkle a pinch of dry fertilizer into the soil. I love getting out in the morning sun, digging around in the dirt. It reminds me of my dad. He loved his yard and his flowers.
He’s been gone now for six years, and I miss him. I remember the way his eyes twinkled when he laughed and how his old work pants bagged out in the seat. He was always busy doing something, a real handyman. I always wanted to be just like him, building things, gardening, enjoying the outdoors.
Life was easy then, before Dad died. I have to smile when I think about my first building project, a clubhouse. I was only nine, so Dad wouldn’t let me use the saw. I nailed different lengths of lumber together in a shaky square, tossed feed bags across the boards for the roof. Mom looked out the kitchen window, shook her head. The clubhouse lasted until the first rain.
I finish fertilizing, begin deadheading. We are working just below the porches of Hall 11 where patients crowd behind the heavy mesh, smoking cigarettes. I hear an attendant yell, “Get down from there right now.” I look up to see a woman clinging halfway up the mesh like a monkey in the zoo. I pinch at the plants, trying to block out the commotion above me. The green thumb I inherited from Dad is good therapy.
“Jeff is coming to visit.”
“Oh, yeah? Looking forward to it?”
“Not really.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t seen him much, and when I do see him, we’re like strangers. Feels really weird. I met Jeff when I was fifteen and he was seventeen. We grew up together. Everything changed when Alexander died.”
“Well, maybe you two can get reacquainted, marriage counseling or something.” Isabel puts her hands behind her on the grass, leans back.
“Maybe,” I say half-heartedly.
“I cheated on Bob.”
“You did?” I keep pinching and tossing the spent blooms into a pile.
“I changed after I got transferred to afternoons. The guys on the line were really fun. A group stopped at the Red Horse every night after work for beers, guys and girls both. The Horse had a band and I actually got up and danced.”
“Keep going.”
“Anyway, I started staying out later and later, lost interest in Bob and the boys. I started drinking pretty heavy.”
“Is that when you came up here?”
“Yeah. Well, I started the affair with my foreman. This sounds awful, but it was no big deal, like when somebody asks if you want another drink and it seems so easy just to say, Oh what the hell, why not?”
“Really?”
“I know, I know, it sounds bad.”
“So then you came up here?”
“Had to. I kept getting into trouble at work; mad all the time, drunk.”
“You got better then?”
“No. After I got out, I was back drinking within a month. I pushed a girl on the line into moving equipment.”
“On purpose?”
“Got mad. Just out of control. Foreman was a big flirt, and that day he hit on her. My union steward got me treatment again. It was either that or lose my job.”
“Back here again, right?”
“Up here for the second time. I’m not proud of it, but I got into trouble again after that. The thing with my foreman was over, but I couldn’t get that through my head. I don’t know what got into me, but I put a dead cat under the wipers of his truck and left a terrible note. Shit, I don’t know what I was thinking. My union steward tried to help, but they fired me. Twenty-nine years at the plant. I was a year from early retirement, Luanne.”
“A dead cat?”
“Yeah …well, it was run over in the parking lot. I was drunk. Seemed like a good idea at the time.”
“Are you over the guy now?”
“Yes, I am. But I need to tell Bob the truth. If Bob forgives me, I think I could make it work. I really don’t want a divorce.”
“Maybe you should talk about this in group. I have no idea what to tell you.”
“Yeah, I know. It’s just so embarrassing.”
“Everybody makes mistakes. I started going steady with Jeff at fifteen. I never had much of a chance to see anybody else. By the time I was a senior in high school, I had an itch to date Vaughn Lawler. He was always flirting with me, asking me out, teasing me about getting rid of Jeff. I kissed him once.”
“I never cheated on Bob before, never even thought about it. I can’t blame it on the booze. Could’ve been a mid-life crisis or something.”
“Maybe.”
“About ready to wrap it up here?” Isabel repositions herself onto her knees and begins dropping the hand tillers and planting spades into the pail.
Chapter 24
I look up at Building 50, the tall windows of the abandoned wings like the empty eyes of ghosts.
“Sad isn’t it?” Carl walks up behind me with a pail of garden spades.
“Oh, hi. You think it’s sad?’
“It’s the end of something. I helped dismantle the old girl, packed up remnants of her early splendor, faded carpets and chipped china, took them to storage. Burned a lot of history in a pit out behind the barns.”
“I guess you’ve been here a long time, huh?”
Carl eases down onto the lawn next to me. “My wife and I started
here about the same time. My dad had his heart set on me takin’ over the family farm, but I applied here, just on a whim mind you. I been here ever since.”
“No kidding.”
“How are you doing?”
“Maybe you can give me some advice.”
“What’s that?”
“Should these be thinned? They don’t seem as big as the other ones.”
“Yup, I think that would do it. Can’t grow, too cramped.”
“I hate to pull out perfectly good plants.”
“Well, here. Let me help. They can use them plants in the other beds.” Carl tries to kneel, but ends up sitting on one hip, stretching his legs out on the grass.
“Somebody told me there used to be a big farm here and the patients worked on it.”
“Yup, yup. It was really somethin’. That’s why I applied here. I wanted to marry Judy and have a place of our own. The pay was good, and I got to breed topnotch milkers. Blue ribbon, every one of ‘em.
“Dairy cows, then?”
“Yup. We had the best senior herd sire anywhere around.”
“I think I saw his grave over there by the barns.”
“Well, he ain’t really buried there. It’s like a memorial to the ol’ boy. Admiral Walker Colanthra. Reminds me of the time …” Carl takes off his hat, wipes his forehead, and laughs. “There was a lot of shenanigans goin’ on around here then. Well, still is, I guess. Just once, I broke the rules …You won’t tell on me now, will ya?” He winks at me. “I smuggled out a little bull juice from the Admiral. Judy’s hands jumped onto her cheeks when I pulled that vial of semen from my pocket. Lookie here. Milk of the gods, I told her. I can hear her now, Carl, are you out of your mind? We’ll both lose our jobs. It’s taken me five years to become a nurse supervisor. She was pretty riled up. I tried to tell her the ol’ Admiral isn’t gonna miss it. Well, long story short, the spunk didn’t take. I think God was tryin’ to tell me somethin’.”
“That’s a great story.”
“I loved that job. One of my lowest days, nothing like losing Judy of course, was the day the dairy operation closed up. I watched as the last of the heifers were loaded on the truck for auction. I tell you, I reached in my back pocket, snapped the dirt from my bandana, wiped my nose and eyes, stared down the road until the last puff of dust disappeared over the horizon. And I wasn’t ashamed of crying either, not a bit.”
“Why did they close the farm?”
“Some damn ruling came down from the State, ruined everything. Excuse my language.”
“Oh.”
“I guess they liked me well enough. I started out as a farm hand and in five years, I was supervisin’ the whole thing. Let me tell you, it was A-number one. You could eat off the floor in those barns. And the architecture—you don’t see that anymore. Barreled ceilings suspended by arched maple beams. Every milker knew her own stanchion. When they came in from grazing, they filed in like they were finding their favorite pew for Sunday services. I loved walking down the rows of chewing heads, the mooing and snorting of the old girls as the milking machines hummed and slurped.”
“My grandpa was a dairy farmer. But his barn was just a plain one. I always thought the cows were cute.”
“I never thought of them that way, but you’re right, they are cute, specially the little ones. Like I said, I never loved any job more than that one. After my accident, I did a lot of jobs.”
“Is that what’s wrong with your leg? An accident?”
“Well, not exactly…Oops, there’s the bell. We’ll have to talk another time. Holy moley, time flies.
“Was that the lunch bell? Thanks for talking to me, Carl. I love your stories. Here.” I stand up and extend my hand. “Grab my hand.”
“Thanks. Darn leg. Worse every day.”
“Walking to 50?”
“Yup. Canteen.”
“Hall 9 for me.” I gather up my tools and walk beside Carl, chatting about how the planting season in Traverse City compares to mid-Michigan where I grew up.
Carl and I stop at the back entrance. “I’ll be seeing you.”
“Probably tomorrow.”
I come to group late, my t-shirt soaked with sweat, hair plastered to my forehead.
“You’re late, Luanne,” Dr. Murray says.
“Five minutes,” I answer. “I was talking to Carl Reinbold, my supervisor. Sorry.” I wipe my forehead and sit down.
“Just this once. Next time, I’ll have to make note of it in your file.”
“Thanks. It won’t happen again. I was outside, pulling weeds. With Isabel on home leave, I’m falling behind.”
“You work too hard,” Heidi says.
“It’s fun, really.”
“Who wants to start?”
“Five guys attacked me …I got gangbanged,” Heidi blurts out. She brings her hands to her face. “It’s just so hard to say it.”
“Go ahead, Heidi,” Dr. Murray says.
“Bastards. I …I knew one of them.” Heidi sniffs. “Real nice guy, I thought. Can I pick ‘em or what?” She shakes her head. “Anyway, Kurt told me he wanted to party. We were drinking …he said he knew where we could get some good grass, maybe acid. Told me to meet him at the beach. I live in Benton Harbor, near Lake Michigan. That’s where it happened.” Heidi reaches for a tissue. “He was a friend?” Beth asks.
“A friend? He was a party buddy, a guy I’d screwed a few times for drugs.”
“Oh.”
“See, that’s what pisses me off. Just because I’m a whore, don’t mean I don’t have feelings. I can still get raped, ya’ know. They got me high, alright? Then they stripped me naked, held me down while they each took a turn. Five guys.”
“Of course, you have feelings, I didn’t mean that,” Beth says.
Heidi blows her nose. “I know, I know,” she says. “They raped me …And was that enough? No. Some smartass got the idea to shave my head and body. I guess so I’d look like fresh meat. Then a couple of ‘em screwed me again …They left me on the beach …like …like a dead carp or something.” She works to catch her breath as her chest rises and falls in short jerks.
I’m stunned. “I’m so sorry, Heidi. I don’t know what to say.”
“You were a victim of a brutal crime,” Dr. Murray says, her eyes glistening. “I’m so happy you’re still alive. You will make it, Heidi. I promise you.”
“Could somebody else talk?” Heidi asks.
During a long pause, I’m thinking I should try to share something, but my problems seem so small compared to Heidi’s. No, this isn’t a contest. What I want to talk about is important. “Well, I have a letter from Jeff I’d like to share.” I reach into my jeans pocket and pull out a crinkled letter, unfold it, start to read.
May 23, l969
Dear Luanne-
You seemed really depressed when I saw you last month. I’m sorry I haven’t been up there as much lately. I’ve been working a lot. It doesn’t seem like you’re getting better. I drive all the way up there and you barely talk to me. I tried to give you a kiss last time, and you didn’t even kiss me back. It doesn’t feel like you love me anymore. It’s been very hard for me since you’ve been in the hospital. I’m coming up to visit you June 5th. I hope you’re feeling better. Love, Jeff
“If I’m well, he loves me. If I’m not …”
“I don’t think that’s what he’s saying,” Beth says. “Sounds more like he’s asking if you love him.”
“But don’t you see? That’s what he does. He tries to make it about me, my feelings. I don’t even know right now how I feel. I’m sick.”
“Did you kiss him back?” Heidi asks.
“I think so. I don’t remember.”
“Do you love him?”
“Probably. I don’t have many good feelings about anything right now. I’m scared. If I don’t get well pretty soon, I’m afraid he’ll leave me.”
“No, that’s not it,” Autumn says. “He’s just lonely, needs a little reassurance.”
“I guess.” What about my loneliness?
“Just try to get well. You can’t worry about him,” Beth says. “Just tell him you love him. It’ll be okay.”
I don’t really believe Beth. What does she know about marriage? She’s never even had a date. Jeff and I had a great marriage until Alexander got sick. “I hope it’s a nice day. I’d like to take Jeff out on the grounds, just the two of us. Really talk.”
“Must be nice,” Autumn says. “They won’t let me out unless I’m supervised. Nobody wants to babysit me.”
“Maybe if you were willing to share today, Autumn, that might help in getting you off the restricted list,” Dr. Murray says.
“Hey! It sounds like your tryin’ to bribe her. She don’t have to talk if she don’t want to,” Heidi says.
“Of course not. I encourage all of you to share. It helps you recover.”
“That’s okay. I’ll go.”
“You told us about that day. The day Jim came over drunk and became violent. He raped you in front of the children,” Dr. Murray says.
“Yeah. We were on the bed. He was …done with me. Finally he started snoring and I could feel his grip loosen. I eased my wrist out from between his fingers and got up. I grabbed my robe, motioned the kids to back away from the doorway. Once I got out of the bedroom, I whispered to them to go to the neighbor’s house and stay there until I came for them. They didn’t want to leave, but they did what they were told.” Autumn rubs her hands on her thighs, rocks in her seat.
“Please go on.”
“Once the kids were safe, I went to the kitchen counter. I opened the utensil drawer. The poultry shears were right on top. I went back into the bedroom …oh, sweet Jesus …I …I sized up Jim’s chest, and stabbed him with all my might.” Her face went rigid and her eyes clouded over. “That was it. He opened his eyes and said, you killed me, and then he died. I keep seeing Jim’s eyes pop open. His voice is so calm. You killed me, over and over. I don’t even have to be asleep. He comes into my head, you killed me.”
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