by Jolene Perry
Left to Love
Jolene B Perry
PROLOGUE
I breathed in the dry, hot summer air that was just part of Provo, Utah. After sitting in my apartment all day, working on my online sewing shop, I needed the breeze and sunshine. In the few short weeks since my brother Jaron’s wedding and summer vacation, I’d made enough money to pay rent and buy food for the whole summer. It felt good.
“Leigh!” Nathan ran around the side of the house toward me in the backyard, his five-year old fists clutched together.
“Nathan! Wait!” Brian’s voice came from the front steps. I smiled at the sight of him. We’d only been dating a short while, but it was the real thing. Took me a while to know how I felt about Brian, but there was no doubt now how completely in love with him I was.
“What’s up little man?” I asked as Nathan stood in front of me, his hands still clenched tightly. “This is for you.” His hand opened, showing me my grandmother’s wedding ring.
I gasped, and my heart raced. The only way he could have that is…
“Oh.” Brian stood, out of breath and grinned down at me. “This isn’t exactly how I planned this.”
The smile spread across my face and filled my body.
Brian kneeled in front of my hammock. “Leigh Tressman. I love you. I love you like I never thought I’d love anyone. I can’t imagine eternity without you. Will you marry me?”
I sat up to throw my arms around him, but the hammock slipped out from underneath me, and I ended up in Brian’s lap with his arms around my waist.
“Yes.”
Brian’s cheek touched mine and he kissed me softly.
“Here.” Nathan held the ring out between us.
Brian took it from him and held my hand. He blinked a few times, and I saw his lips press together. My heart ached for him, for me, for us, and the love we had. He slid the ring on my finger.
“I promise you, Leigh. I will love you forever, no matter what.”
“Forever, no matter what.”
He put a hand on either side of my face and kissed me again. That moment would be the beginning of our eternity. In our backyard, with Nathan and nothing but joy between us.
ONE
I traced the fine lines of the tree tattoo on Brian’s shoulder as he slept. The sun tried to break through the heavy curtains of our hotel room, and it reminded me of the day not so long ago when I finally found the courage to ask him about them. It’s funny now that Brian used to seem so intimidating—his broad, tall physique, the markings covering his arms.
On paper Brian was a disaster—divorced, ex-wife in jail, a five-year old son (a total perk for me), a recent convert, tattoos, served in the Army and went to war (both good and bad came from those experiences), job at a bar… The list was long, but said very little about Brian. He was the kindest, most giving man I’d ever been around. After about six weeks of dating, and somewhere around five weeks of engagement, we now had eternity. We were married yesterday. It was the first of thousands of mornings I’d get to wake up next to him.
He opened his eyes, and reached his hand out to brush a strand of brown hair from my face.
“Good morning, Husband.” I smiled.
“Good morning, Wife.” His dark brown eyes filled with love.
“Can I just say how completely wonderful this is? And then add that I can’t wait to do this in our own house?” I lay on my stomach, propping myself up on my elbows.
“I’m sure we’ll get the chance.” He reached toward me, pulling our faces together. I could feel the warmth of him radiating toward me. “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to your green eyes.”
“Hmm.” I snuggled into him again.
“I was thinking,” I said. “About our trip—the thought of almost going home and then getting on a plane and…I don’t know. It feels like a lot. Could we just drive there?” I touched my fingers to his chest. We’d planned to go to Seattle, where I’d grown up, but I had another idea.
“Sure, but we’d still have two tickets hanging out there.”
“We could use them for Nathan to see his mom.” It took Brian a whole long day to drive all the way down to Vegas and back for his son, Nathan, to see her.
“That’s true.”
“I thought maybe we could go to Portland instead of Seattle.” I watched him closely to check his reaction. He knew immediately what I wanted. My oldest brother Joseph left home when I was ten. I’d written him for years and had never heard back. He’d sent Christmas and birthday cards to Jaron and me, but they never had more than a signature. I’d finally gotten a letter a couple of months ago. I didn’t know how Joseph would feel about a visit, but there was this sudden urge to make contact, and I didn’t want to let it pass.
“Will it ruin our time together if things don’t go the way you want them to?” he asked slowly.
“No. If I can have more of last night, our week together will be perfect.” I bit my lower lip.
“Okay.” He leaned in to kiss me. “Let’s go to Oregon.” He tried to pull away, but I didn’t let him. I wasn’t ready for our first night together to be over.
- - -
Rain didn’t just fall, it poured. Brian and I had walked the street twice trying to find the address Joseph used on his letter. We’d zipped our raincoats as high as they could go, and I had my hood pulled as far forward as it would reach. The door opened on the building with numbers only one digit off from Joseph’s address. A young man emerged, pulling his coat up tightly.
“Excuse me, I’m looking for Joseph and Lori Tressman, the building numbers aren’t making sense.” I pushed out a nervous laugh.
“Joseph?” He laughed. “Joe and Lori live upstairs here, but Joe’s probably at work right now.”
My heart sank. Of course he’d be at work. It was Friday.
“But Lori’s shop is right on the corner at the end of the second block there.” He pointed down the street.
“Uh…okay.” Just down the street. My heart started to pound.
“Thank you,” Brian added.
He took my hand and started the direction we’d been pointed in.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“I’m shaking.” It hit me how real it all was. Trying to find my long lost brother felt so… dramatic.
“We don’t have to do this.”
Right. We’d driven all the way here on our honeymoon. I wasn’t going to back down now.
“I want to.”
We walked in silence. I didn’t know what I expected. I didn’t even know what I wanted. But even if I wasn’t about to see Joseph again, I was about to see part of his life. I kind of already had, I was in his neighborhood and walking on a street he probably traveled every day.
We stopped outside of Lori’s shop, where a small red door was surrounded by windows of white and black clothing. I stood, staring. Brian’s hand touched the top of my back, bringing me to the present.
“Still okay?”
I couldn’t see Brian’s face. Our hoods were down too tightly. I reached forward, opened the door, and looked for people, nothing else—the wife and kids Joseph had told me about. The walls were bright white—large black and white photographs scattered to the ceiling. Clothing racks sat widely spaced. I spotted the high grey countertop to the back left and headed straight toward it as I pulled off my coat.
I heard a baby’s laugh, and my eyes shifted to two kids in swings playing in the middle of an open space behind the counter. A boy and a girl. They had to be Joseph’s kids. My neice…
“Can I help you?”
I pulled my gaze away from the two children to see a dark haired woman standing at the register. She was shorter than me, built
small and athletic. Her hair tousled around her face in messy dark curls, and she wore a pair of black-rimmed glasses, which framed her large eyes and thick lashes.
“Maybe…” I started, unsure of what to say.
“Wow, your eyes are an unbelievable shade of green, the only other person I know with that shade…” she slowly stopped. I know I looked at her far too intently for someone just stopping by.
“I’m Leigh…Tressman.”
Her mouth fell open. “Wow.” She breathed out and then shook her head, staring at me for a moment. Neither of us moved. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’m thinking.”
She came around the counter and wrapped her arms around me in a hug. I squeezed her back, and shut my eyes tight to hold back tears. Joseph’s wife, the one he’d told me about. She should have been part of my life for a long time.
“I’m sorry to just show up like this.” I touched the corners of my eyes as I stepped back. Brian put his arm around my waist in support. “He’s only written me the one time and…”
“Yeah.” She raised an eyebrow. “That’s because he’s stubborn and doesn’t always know what’s best for him.”
I let out a breath I didn’t know I held. It was nice to have some insight into my brother’s personality. “I’m sorry, this is Brian. We just got married.”
They shook hands, but Lori kept staring.
“Oh! Come meet Layla and Jack!” I followed her around the counter. They had their mom’s dark hair. Well, I guess Joseph had dark hair as well.
Joseph looked like Dad. Or he had when he was younger.
“They’re beautiful.” I reached for their tiny hands as I got comfortable on the floor. They were family. Lori, Layla, Jack…
“Hey sweetie! I wrangled myself out of there early today!” I heard a man’s voice from the front door. Lori’s eyes caught mine. My brother. My heart both sank and swelled at the same time. Lori stood.
I didn’t know if my legs would work. Joseph was here. My chest pounded. Brian reached his hand down to help me stand, and I saw my brother for the first time in more than ten years. His hair was curly, so dark, and long enough to look shaggy and come down around his eyes. He had a few days worth of stubble on his face and Mom’s eyes. All three of us, me, Jaron and Joseph had gotten the same vibrant shade of green.
“Oh! You have company.” He smiled comfortably.
I thought I might faint. Brian stood close to me in support but let me stand in front, knowing I’d want to make the first move.
Joseph froze when his eyes met mine. He knew who I was. It had been somewhere around ten years, but he knew.
I’d made it. No matter what happened at that point, I’d come and seen him. My body was too tense to breathe, but I felt better. I felt better for taking the step.
“Well…” he started. “Now I’m seeing the benefit of email.” He took a deep breath in and out. “You wouldn’t have had my address.”
“I’m sorry.” I shook my head. “I just…wanted to say hi.” I smiled weakly. He didn’t want me here. I couldn’t be surprised. I needed to not be surprised.
“Hi.” He nodded once. He stood very still, probably in shock.
Lori stared at him, eyes wide and hands tight on her hips, but he wasn’t looking at her. His eyes rested on me.
Brian slid his arm around my waist and I took my first real breath in since Joseph spoke.
“Still getting married young in Mormonville, aren’t they?” Joseph said.
Brian tensed and started to say something. I put my hand on him so he’d remain quiet. “I’m twenty, Joseph.”
“I go by Joe.” He was still frozen in place.
“Joe,” I responded.
“What do you want, Leigh?” His voice came out quiet, he still seemed uncertain, but he hadn’t told me to go away.
“I don’t know.” I paused scrambling for something to say. “I thought maybe we could talk for a few? Get to know one another?”
He nodded. “Yeah, okay. Let’s go for a walk. We could get a coffee or something.” He chuckled once under his breath. “You can get a hot chocolate.”
Brian nodded and rubbed his hand up and down my arm a few times. “I’ll just stay with Lori, if she doesn’t mind.”
“Okay.” I looked back at Brian as my stranger brother and I walked out of the store.
TWO
“This way.” Joe pointed down the street. “So, you came a long way with no warning.”
“I was afraid you’d say no,” I admitted.
“Wouldn’t it be worse if you came all this way and I didn’t want to talk?”
I shrugged. “I invited you to my wedding.” I looked up at him. “You could have come and then I wouldn’t have had to surprise you like this.” I tried to smile.
He moved in the same long, easy strides as Jaron did.
“Well, I wouldn’t have been allowed in.” His eyes kept to the sidewalk in front of us.
We walked in silence for a moment.
“It doesn’t matter anyway,” I said.
“No, it matters.” He looked thoughtful. His eyebrows pulled together and his lips pushed together. He opened the door of a coffee shop to let me in. “Want something?”
“Um…”
“Hot chocolate? Coffee bars make great hot chocolate.” He looked over at me finally, letting our eyes catch again.
“Okay, thanks.”
“Wow, Joe, who’s the new girl?” The guy behind the counter asked. He smiled widely at me.
“This is my little sister.” Joseph’s voice sounded far away, distracted.
“I didn’t know you had…”
“Well, I do. I need a hot chocolate and something with Johnny Daniels.” He handed a bill across the counter.
“You know we don’t serve…”
“Yeah, I know.” He smiled at his friend. “Usual.”
“No problem. I’ll bring them to you when I’m done.”
I followed Joe to a small table and sat across from him. The grey outside was darkening fast.
“I can’t believe how grown up you are.” He gestured to me, but still looked at me like I was some sort of ghost—wary.
I had no idea what to say. I sat and stared at someone who was so much a part of me and also so separated.
“Why did you write me, Leigh?” he asked. “We were pretty far apart in age. We didn’t even know each other that well. Why did you write?”
“Why did you send me and Jaron cards?” I asked back.
We stared at one another over the table. He wasn’t going to offer anything, but he seemed to be thinking.
“I wanted you to know me,” I said. “Even though you didn’t want to.”
He shook his head. “No, no, it wasn’t about me not wanting to know you. There was…”
“What?” I felt like he had something he wanted to say, or maybe it was something he was trying to avoid.
“It wasn’t just one thing. It was a lot of things.” He shifted in his seat, uncomfortable with the direction our conversation had taken. His eyes moved from looking out the window and then back to the counter.
“But something was a catalyst,” I urged.
Joe’s friend set our drinks down before returning to his spot behind the counter.
He nodded.
I waited.
“Leigh, you can’t un-hear or un-know things,” he warned.
“Okay.” I sat in silence.
He sat for a moment, looking at me. “I wanted to join the Peace Corps instead of serving a mission. I had some friends doing it. It became really important to me. You know Dad, always talk, talk, talking…”
“Dad?” I shook my head. “He’s the quietest person I know.”
“Really?” Joseph’s brows went up.
I nodded.
“Well, anyway,” he continued. “Dad and I really had it out one night. I didn’t see why I couldn’t be a good member of the church and do that too. He didn’t understand. But it was more than that. He did
n’t want to understand.”
Joseph stopped for a few minutes. He looked out the window and drank a few sips of his coffee. “I went to his office to confront him and he was there with some woman.” He looked up at me. “And I don’t mean that in a good way.”
“What?” I leaned forward in my chair. Was he implying what I thought he was? “No, that’s impossible.” I shook my head and leaned back. I’d admired my parents’ relationship since I could remember. I loved watching them together. My dad’s quiet, stable nature helped to balance out my over-nerved mother.