by Jolene Perry
I nodded.
“I’m sure everywhere is closed, but I think we have what we need here.”
Brian disappeared for a few minutes, and I took the opportunity to be alone. I wasn’t alone often. I let my body completely relax, almost. It felt like if I completely relaxed, my body would start protesting again, and I couldn’t imagine throwing up one more time.
Brian sat down on the floor next to me. He knew if I wanted to move that I’d ask. ”Straw or spoon?”
“Straw.” I propped my head up on the towel I’d turned into a pillow. The thick shake felt just like I imagined it would. I closed my eyes, and then really did relax. I stopped and waited for my body to protest but it didn’t. “Thank you. This is really good.”
I caught his eyes with mine and he smiled. “You look better.”
I nodded and took another sip. “Probably because for the first time today, I’m not throwing up into a bowl.”
“I’m sure that has something to do with it,” he agreed. “Let me move you out to the couch for a minute. I’ll clean up the bathroom, change sheets and pillow cases. I’ll help you get dressed in fresh pajamas, and you can come back and sleep well. Do you think you can move?”
“Just be careful with me,” I warned.
“Aren’t I always?” He smiled back. I couldn’t believe that he took care of me the way he did.
I let Brian carry me out to the living room. He loved it when I let him do that. I loved his strong arms. He scrambled around in our room for a few minutes and came back out smiling.
“Ready?” he asked.
“Yep.” I was able to smile back at him now. The few calories helped so much, and the coolness of the shake calmed my body.
He helped me into our room, into fresh pajamas and pulled my blankets up.
“Think you can sleep?” he asked.
Everything felt and smelled fresh and clean. “Not sure.”
“I don’t know about tomorrow.” He sat on the bed with me, facing me, his warm hand running up and down my arm slowly.
“I can’t miss Christmas morning with Nathan. I’ve already missed Christmas Eve with him. You missed Christmas…”
“Nope.” Brian shook his head. “Nathan barely noticed me. They’re having a great time over there.
Tomorrow, I’m probably going to kick everyone out early,” he warned.
“Okay,” I agreed. “You take good care of me, Bri.”
“I’m glad you think so, because I’ve never felt so helpless in my whole life.” It was the first time he’d really let me see the stress of the past few days on him. I wiped a tear from the corner of his eye. He tried so hard.
“I can’t believe you’re doing this with me.”
“As opposed to doing what?”
“Running and screaming.” I tried to smile to show I was partially joking.
He shook his head. “Remember the scripture you shared with all of us at the beginning of you first year here?”
I tried to think back.
“From Ruth?” He tried to prompt my memory.
I smiled.
“whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge…”
“I remember.”
“Good. Because that one has stuck with me.”
I felt peace and I felt Brian’s hand gently touching my arm and my back, trying to help me relax so I could sleep.
NINETEEN
Christmas
Christmas morning, Brian scooped me up in his arms and carried me out to the living room. My family had settled already, leaving me the couch to myself. Brian sat holding me on his lap. Best seat in the room. My body still felt shaky, weak, and almost Jell-o like from my treatment and from the past few days where I hadn’t been able to keep anything down.
Nathan crawled up next to us with a large dragon that had come from Santa Claus. I’d missed some of his morning, but not all of it. He reached his small hand over and rubbed my head. I wanted to grab him and pull him onto my lap but didn’t have the strength, not yet. I leaned my head back against Brian’s chest. His hands never left me. He stroked my arms, my legs, my head – a constant reminder that he was here.
Jaron and Megan sat close on the floor. Mom sat in front of Dad, leaning her back against his legs. Family. All good. All happy. We had a lot to be grateful for.
“We have a little family tradition where we read the Christmas story on Christmas Eve, but we’re doing it this morning instead.” Dad smiled and pulled out his scriptures. I loved my dad’s quiet mannerisms. He brought peace to a room more quickly than anyone I’d ever met. Everyone knew why we hadn’t done it last night, but no one said anything. Even Nathan sat quiet, listening. Dad opened up to the New Testament and read the story I’d heard over and over throughout my youth. The story of Christ.
My dad’s voice had the same low, quiet quality I remembered.
I closed my eyes. It could have been last year; it could have been five years ago. The story was the same and my dad’s voice was the same.
“Now can we open presents?” Nathan asked as soon as my dad’s voice stopped.
“Yes we can.” Dad set his scriptures aside.
“Well, I’m going to start breakfast.” Mom stood up.
I didn’t move, and Brian didn’t move underneath me. I tried hard to pay attention while Nathan ripped open presents with exclamations of excitement, but I could feel the queasiness creeping in, and my hands starting to feel shaky. I didn’t want another day like Christmas Eve.
“I’m going to slide up and make you a shake.” Brian kept his voice quiet. He was good at reading me and what I needed.
I nodded and he gently slid me over to my own spot on the couch relieved that I rarely had to ask for anything. The noise of pots and pans and people talking felt disorienting and loud not just in my ears, but in my body. I closed my eyes and let my head rest against the arm of the couch. Jaron kneeled on the floor in front of me.
“Walk with me to my bedroom?” I asked. The noise continued to jar me.
“You want help?”
My shoulders slumped. “You’re way behind on the lingo here, Brother.”
“What do you mean?” He held out his hands for me to take so I could get up.
“I mean that’s code for can I help you or I need help.”
“Okay.” He still wasn’t sure about what I said. He put his arm around my waist so I could lean against him.
“If I need Brian’s help somewhere I just ask him to walk with me. Its how he asks if I need help, too.” I whispered the words. It felt like any more force than a whisper would shake my body.
“That’s very decent of him.”
“Yes, it is.” I smiled.
Jaron walked me into my room. He lowered me onto the bed and then joined me—a sure sign he wanted something.
“You were right,” I said.
“Great.” He laughed a little. “About what exactly?”
“The day I got married, we were walking into the temple together and you told me that once I got married it wouldn’t be the same.”
“It changes things.” He nodded.
“Yes, it does.” I lay my head back on my pillow. “I think it’s a little hard for Mom to turn that over to Brian.”
“But she’s still here helping.”
“Yes, and we need her here helping.”
“So, things with you and Brian are good.”
There were good, the warmth spread through me. “Yeah, but I’m worried about him right now, and there’s nothing I can do.”
“You can be good.” He narrowed his yes, but his smile showed his tease.
“How about you and Megan?” I asked, changing the subject.
“We’re um… having a baby.” His smile spread wide, but he also watched me, watched my reaction.
“Wow. Does Mom know yet?” The news slowly sank in. They’d get to have a baby. We were just trying to keep me alive, and they were having a baby. My chest clenched tightly in an even mix
of happiness and jealousy.
“Nobody knows yet.”
It was sweet of him to tell me first. “That’s crazy. You’re going to be a dad.”
“Well, look at you? You’re the mother of a five-year old!” He laughed.
“That’s different.”
His voice turned quiet. “You’re right. It’s different.”
I reached my arms out to give him a hug. “Congratulations. You’re going to be a great father, Jaron.” I felt so happy, but it opened new wounds just the same. It was a hard thing to reconcile.
“Well, I gotta get going. Megan’s parents are expecting us, I still have breakfast to eat, and I would imagine that you’d like a little peace and quiet.”
“Yeah, I knew today would be a rough one with all the excitement,” I agreed.
He started to say something again and then stopped.
“Spit it out, Jaron.”
“I still don’t feel the same spirit around you as I did last time. Don’t give up on that communication, Leigh. Take advantage, learn some more, leave us even further in the dust of your testimony, of what you know.”
“I’ll work on it.” I slid down a little in my bed. Everything along those lines felt fuzzy. “Have fun with the in-laws.”
“Take care, Leigh.”
Brian walked through the door with a shake in hand. He and Jaron shook hands, which turned into a man-hug before Jaron walked out.
I concentrated only on not being sick. I looked over at Brian and wished that I felt healthier than I did. All I wanted was to take him in my arms and to feel him against me the way I had when we were first married. Right now, it felt as if it took all my strength to simply not throw up.
“How’s my wife?” Brian smiled warmly.
“Terrified of having another day like yesterday.”
Brian sat on the edge of the bed, holding my shake between us. “You’re already doing better than yesterday.”
“Good to know.” I took a tentative sip. The cool, thick liquid felt lovely on my throat.
“Can I join you for a while?” he asked.
“Nathan?”
“Nathan could care less what happens or doesn’t happen in this house today. Those toys will keep him busy for hours.” Brian adjusted himself on his side of our bed and scooted over next to me, leaning his back against the wall. “I liked your dad’s reading. He does that every year?”
“Every year I remember.” I leaned on Brian’s shoulder and looked up at him. “Nathan will have memories of you doing that too, if you want him to.”
“And maybe our other kids as well.” He reached over and touched my cheek carefully with his hand.
I closed my eyes, and for a moment I could see us, sitting just as my parents had earlier today, our children and grandchildren in the room with us. The warm thought wrapped itself around me.
“I’ve known that story my whole life,” Brian said quietly. “It’s different this year. This Christmas. I think about Joseph, leading his hugely pregnant wife and not being able to find anywhere to stay, feeling so helpless and praying that someone would realize how special she was and take care of her.”
“My favorite part of the story is in Luke where it shows Mary’s understanding a little better. She knew she’d be taken care of.” That part always hit me. Every year.
Something passed between us then. We were talking about us, our story.
“And Mary knew.” Brian’s deep eyes penetrated mine.
“I’ll be okay.” My safe answer. The one where I didn’t have to lie and he could be comforted.
He breathed out slowly. “What if I’d talked to your brother and knew your definition of okay and mine weren’t the same?” His eyes didn’t waver. His lips pressed together and then his chin wavered when I didn’t have an answer for him.
I looked down—safe answer lost. My heart sank and Brian felt it. He almost lost his composure for a moment, I could hear it in his shaky breath. He gently put his hands on my face and looked at me. “I want to know what you know, Leigh. I want to know what you feel when you pray.”
He wanted answers, any answers. I had none.
“I don’t know. I don’t know anything! I feel like I’m swimming in the dark this time.” Tears began to fall. “I’m afraid to listen to anything. I’m afraid it’ll be something I don’t want to hear or that I’ll be told something that just isn’t going to happen.” It took me a few moments to breathe enough to continue. “I love you guys too much. I’m too clouded.” I felt desperate for answers, but had none, and was afraid to look for them.
Brian tried gently to move us closer together, but we were already close. We sat in silence for a while, listening to the happy noises of Nathan playing with my parents in the next room.
“I’ve looked up to you since we met,” he said.
The weight on my chest grew. “I’m sorry I’m letting you down.”
“No, no, no,” Brian backtracked. “You’re not letting me down, Leigh. That’s not where I was going with this. I wanted to say that it’ll come back. The way you knew things before. It’ll come back.”
He reached out and touched my face again. “Maybe all you need to do right now is to find ways to feel the Spirit. Don’t look for answers, just look for ways to feel good.” He touched the center of my chest with his hand.
I thought about that for a moment. So simple. “See?” I smiled but didn’t move to look up to him. “This is what it means to preside over our home and receive revelation for our family.”
He breathed out. “I don’t feel worthy of being able to do any such thing for you.”
“Well, get over it.” I smiled. “That’s the most effective tool used against us—making us feel like we’re not worthy of good things.” I stopped, thinking. “I’m realizing right now how much I need you.” It was all hard for me to admit.
“I love you.”
Brian slid his fingers up and down my back. I trusted him. Really, really, trusted him. My eyes closed and my head slid down in comfort. Even though I’d just woken up, my body was pulling me back under.
- - -
I slowly opened and read each letter from Christmas. I stopped when I got to Megan’s.
Leigh,
I wanted to start off by saying I think this idea from you and your dad was a good one. You have intimidated me since the first day I met you. You always do things with such confidence and you always look so good. It’s like your outside really is a reflection of how strong and amazing you are. I was terrified when Jaron asked me out. I had liked him for a while by then, it just took me a while to realize it. Remember when I was bawling my eyes out on the couch because my missionary was finally home and then we broke up? I realized when I was around him that I didn’t feel the same things as I did around Jaron and I didn’t have any idea if Jaron felt the same.
I thought about asking you but I was so worried that you’d disapprove. I don’t know if you noticed or not, but when you did the wedding dresses, I kept my two younger sisters away as much as possible. I was worried you’d think less of me because of them. They really can be obnoxious. Jaron just laughed at me when I’d suggest that you might not be thrilled with us getting together.
It’s been fun getting to know you, Leigh. I want you to know that I really do want us to be close, not just because I married your brother, but because we could be great friends. Now I’m worried you’ll think that I don’t think of you as a friend and I really do. I’m sure there are days when you don’t feel like you’re handling all this mess of yours well, but you are. I just wanted you to know that I’ve always looked up to you.
Please, please, if you ever want me to just come over and keep you company or if you want Brian out of the house for a while, call me. I’m a minute away and would love the time with you,
Megan Tressman
PS – I’ll never get tired of using that last name!
I couldn’t imagine being intimidating to anyone, especially not Megan. I made a menta
l note to call her soon and have her over. We wouldn’t live next door to one another forever.
TWENTY
Raising the Bar
“What’s up, Caroline?” Brian said when he answered his phone. “Like, walked out quit?” He paused for a moment. “Yeah, I mean the money would be nice, but I don’t really want to be away from home that much over the next few days… No, I wouldn’t make anyone do it by themselves… What’s Mitch doing about it?” Another short pause. “Okay, well, thanks for the heads up, we’ll see you tonight then.” And he hung up. “Wil walked out, so they’re short staffed at work. I’m going to be busy for the next few days until Mitch finds someone else.”