by Jolene Perry
“Sure.” I’d been meaning to talk with Megan since Christmas anyway.
“Hey, that sounds like an invitation for the boys of this house to get out of here for a while.” Brian stood up.
“We’ll let you know when the cookies are done.” I watched he and Nathan grab their coats and walk out the door.
“Well, I brought most of the stuff with me but I left the recipe behind.” Megan sighed as she set ingredients on the counter.
“What are you making?” I asked from my perch on the couch.
“Chocolate chip cookies?”
“That one’s up here.” I tapped my head.
“You’re kidding me.” Her shoulders slumped.
“Nope.” I smiled. I gave her the list of ingredients and she frantically wrote. “I’m glad you’re here,” I said as she got the last bits down.
She stopped and immediately looked up.
“I’ve been meaning to have you over since your Christmas letter,” I explained.
“Oh.” She flushed and began mixing her first couple ingredients.
“I just know how busy you are and how tired you must be with all that baby growing.” There really was no good excuse as to why I hadn’t spoken with her yet.
“Yeah.”
“I cannot fathom anyone, ever, being intimidated by me.” I felt my cheeks redden at the thought.
“Are you kidding me?” She stopped stirring and turned around to look at me. “Everyone’s intimidated by you, Leigh!”
“That cannot possibly be.” I shook my head.
“You just have no idea what you radiate.” She shrugged. “It’s like missionaries. We all like having them around because of the nice spirit that they bring, but they look disbelieving or something when we bring it up. You’re just so confident in the things you do and how you move, everything.”
“Well, you’re not that way at all. You’re totally approachable and people love you for it.”
“Thanks, Leigh.” She walked over to the couch and wrapped her arms around me a hug. I really felt it. Her. My brother’s wife. There was nothing but goodness in Megan.
“Hey, I was thinking.” I said, looking at her. “I want to try to find a way to get Brian out of here for a few days.”
“Why?” she asked. “Is he driving you crazy?”
“No.” I fought for a way to explain in a way she’d understand. “All of this is wearing on him. He needs a break.”
“I don’t think he wants one,” Megan disagreed as she stepped back into the kitchen.
“Just a few days, he looks terrible,” I insisted. “He’s worried about quitting his job and money and me… it’s just a lot for him right now.”
“And when was the last time you looked in a mirror?” Megan asked as she raised an eyebrow at me.
“I try not to.” I stared back.
“Well, actually…” Megan shifted her weight to one leg, thinking. “The doctor I work with is taking almost a whole week off. They offered me other shifts at the clinic if I wanted, but I turned them down. Maybe Jaron, Brian, Nathan and your dad could all get together? You and I can hang out because I won’t be at work. It’ll be fun!” she added.
“Let’s try to set it up okay? I’m worried about Brian.” If I could give him a vacation, even a short one, I’d feel a lot better at how he was taking care of everything.
“Not nearly as worried as he is about you.”
I knew that. It’s why I wanted him to get a break for a few days, get some breathing room. Get Nathan out of here for a while.
I lied deeper into the couch as Megan continued working in my kitchen. I heard her call the boys to come over, but I felt like I was drifting to sleep. Brian picked up on my exhaustion and sat close. He definitely needed to get out of here for a while. Nathan climbed onto my lap. I loved having him here. I listened in on the conversation but didn’t speak. I felt hopelessly out of touch in the lives of my friends.
“Ready for bed?” Brian leaned over to whisper in my ear.
“Sorry, but yeah.”
Megan bit her lower lip in concern as Brian lifted me off the couch. My legs were just strong enough to hold me after our long weekend.
“Thanks for coming guys. I hope I feel good enough to do it again in a couple of weeks.” I gave the room a half-wave.
“Night, Leigh.” I’m sure everyone said something to me, but it all sort of fuzzed out as Brian half-carried me to our room.
TWENTY-FOUR
Seventh of Twelve
After such a busy week I had a bit of a runny nose when we arrived at the hospital on Monday for number seven.
“Sorry, hon. You can’t room with Andy, not if you’ve got the sniffles.” Tory pressed her lips together in apology.
“But…” After having that friendship there, I couldn’t imagine spending a day in the hospital without it.
“Not happening. If you feel okay to move around a little later on in the day, we’ll put a mask on you and you can visit from the doorway.”
“Fine.” I frowned. No one said I had to be happy about our new restrictions.
I sulked a bit as she set me up with my IV and popsicle.
Tory followed up on her promise. After a few hours, she came in and dressed me in scrubs, put on a mask and gloves and let me go in to see Andy. Just getting ready to go over there nearly did me in.
Andy looked beyond pale. She looked how I’d felt at the very end of my last set of treatments. She had not had a good couple of weeks.
“Wow, Leigh’s moving around during treatment time.” She teased from her bed.
“Yeah. Amazing, huh?” I looked down and tried not to throw up as the floor moved in waves underneath me.
“How you feeling?”
“Terrible.” I smiled and sat on a chair near the door. I wasn’t allowed any closer.
“I’ll give you girls a few minutes.” Devin tried to smile as he walked out of the room.
“I’m going to break the rules now,” I warned.
“Don’t break the rules, Leigh.” Her voice wasn’t the crisp, witty voice I was used to.
“Sorry. How are you?” I asked.
“Oh, Leigh.” I could feel her roll her eyes from across the small room. “You’re not allowed to ask that.”
“You asked how I was feeling.” I was indignant.
“Well, that’s because you were doing something that was so obviously out of your comfort zone.” Her voice had a bit of the same edge that I’d gotten used to.
“I know, I know. But I want to know how you are.”
“Look at me.” She stopped. “How do you think I am?”
I didn’t want to look at her, not really. “Not good.”
“Okay, so now I get to break the rules and say that you look good.”
I smiled. “You’ll never believe who I met this past weekend.”
She smiled a little then.
“Brian’s ex-wife.” I waited for her reaction.
“In jail?”
“Yep.”
“And how was that?” she asked.
“She signed the papers so we can adopt Nathan.”
“No way!” Even her tired face radiated excitement.
“Yeah, Brian tried first and then I went in by myself.” I still felt proud for accomplishing something so far out of my comfort zone.
“To the prison?” she asked.
“Yeah, it was bizarre.”
“Wow, so good girl Leigh’s been to jail.” She laughed.
“Yeah, I guess I have.” I smiled at her. This was the Andy I was used to. “Anyway, she signed it all.”
“So now you have to deal with all the court stuff and then all the church stuff and hope you feel good enough to go to the temple, right?”
“That’s pretty much right.” I nodded. “We’re going to shoot for just before my next relaxing day at the hospital. I’ll tell you all about it.”
“I’m really happy for you, Leigh.” Her forehead wrinkled. “But it’ll pro
bably take longer that that.”
How long could filing a few papers take?
My stomach continued to turn and I knew if I stayed in there much longer I was going to lose it. The nurse would probably have a fit if Leigh with the sniffles threw up in Andy’s room. I knocked on the door and Brian opened it.
“See you, Andy.” I waved.
“Wimp.” She smiled. “See you in two weeks.” She closed her eyes then and let her head relax off to the side.
Brian’s eyes had such dark rings that it looked like he hadn’t slept in a week. I didn’t know what do to for him.
“Don’t give me that look, Leigh. I’m fine. It’s you we’re worried about.” His fingers touched my cheek.
“I’m moving around, see? Peachy.” I tried to smile.
“Right.” He rested his arm around me carefully to help me back to my room.
- - -
I was just past my worst days—a couple of days after getting home. I stood up to walk to the bathroom and I was so dizzy that I fell back to sitting on the bed.
“Brian?” I called out. No answer. I knocked on the wall. If you couldn’t hear someone’s voice, you could usually hear knocking. He appeared in the doorway in a second.
“Hey, what can I do with you?” He smiled.
“Shower?”
“Awesome.” He smiled wider. “I’ll be right
back.”
“You know I feel terrible, right?” I was suddenly worried about what he’d expect.
He turned back towards me. “I know.” He gave me this look that said I was being silly. He walked to where I sat on the bed and held out his hands. I pulled myself up and into him. He put his arms around me for a minute before walking with me to the bathroom. He always took his time. Always made me feel like I was where he wanted to be.
“Okay, now I’ll be right back.” He walked out into the living room.
“Nathan? I need you to keep watching your show and stay out of trouble for a bit. I need to help your mom in the shower.” Mom.
“Okay, Dad.”
I stared at Brian when he came in and out eyes met. I wasn’t sure if he realized what he’d just said.
“I’m sorry,” he said realizing what I was reacting to. “Was that ok?”
I nodded. Tears formed at the edges of my eyes. I wanted it so bad.
“What is it?” he asked when I didn’t respond.
“It’s just that I imagine the only thing worse than not being able to have your own children is having your own children taken from you.” Would I ever not feel guilty about this?
“It’s not like that, Leigh. She took herself away from her child and didn’t take good care of him when she did have him. Besides, you have her permission, you have it in pen.”
“Who would say no to this?” I pointed to my head.
“I think you’d be surprised.” He was still shocked she’d signed.
I should just feel lucky.
“Besides, this is about Nathan, and what’s best for him, and it’s what he wants.”
“Okay.” I really needed to focus on that. Maybe because I was so desperate for my own children, I couldn’t understand how someone wouldn’t do everything in their power to keep their own as close to them as possible.
“Can we shower now?” He asked smiling at me.
“Yeah.”
Brian seemed almost unfailingly optimistic. I hoped that never changed.
- - -
“So, you and Nathan leave tomorrow right?” I asked.
Brian, Nathan, and Jaron were all packed and ready to leave for their three-day camping trip with my dad.
“I still don’t know if I can go.” Brian shook his head.
“My dad and Jaron will be so disappointed.” He needed out of here so badly.
“You’re just worried about me and want me out of here for my sake, not yours. I don’t like it.” He frowned.
“I need to feel like you’re not here wallowing with me—that some part of your life doesn’t involve this mess. It’ll make me feel better about asking you do things when you get back.” I smiled, hoping he’d pick up on my willingness to be a good patient.
“We’ll see.” He frowned again. “You have to promise to call, even if it’s the littlest, more trivial thing in the world.”
“Deal.” I smiled.
Brian gave Megan this long list of things for me and about me. It was ridiculous. I used to think my mom was bad. She didn’t hold a candle to Brian.
My time with Megan was a blur of movies and her begging to feed me. I felt more tired than I wanted to be, but I wasn’t throwing up. Brian called to check in way too often and we both teased him about it.
It felt normal. It felt like, if I wasn’t sick, this is what Megan and I would do together when the boys went out of town. Watch funny movies, eat ice cream, and sleep in.
I woke up Sunday morning—Brian had made it all three days. I stood up to pee and a wave of dizziness hit me. The floor came up at a drastic angle and I caught my arm against the doorframe. The whole force of my body hit the edge before I slid to the floor. I laid still for a moment, waiting for a sharp pain, but none came.
I wasn’t badly hurt. If I hadn’t been sick, I’d have gotten a small bruise. Unfortunately, one of the side effects of chemo is bleeding and what should have been a small bruise on my shoulder turned in a huge purple mass covering my whole upper arm.
Brian would have taken me to the emergency room. Megan was nice enough to take me to Dr. Watts’s office instead.
- - -
“Well, Leigh, it’s nice to see you outside of the hospital.” Dr. Watts sat on his stool and gave us each a smile.
“This is my sister in law, Megan.” I introduced them.
“Jaron’s wife.” He nodded.
“You’re paying attention.” I pointed at him. “That’s good.”
“I try.” He scooted his chair closer to me. “Okay, let’s see what you did to yourself here.”
I unzipped my sweatshirt to show my very purple, swollen arm.
“Wow.” He nodded. “What does the other guy look like?” he tried to tease.
“The other guy is my door frame, and unfortunately, I didn’t leave a mark. Though, I may change that when I get back home.” I smirked.
Watts laughed. He gave my arm a careful look over and we went down a list of things to watch for. He shifted nervously, but he nearly always looked like this around me. I was perpetually suspicious, but part of me registered what he said to me often, that I was one of his favorites and he didn’t like treating favorites.
“Well, keep it up, keep it cold, not too cold, if anything changes, anything, no matter how small, go to the ER. Understand?”
I nodded.
“Here’s a sheet for you to take home. Where’s Brian?”
“I forced him out of town for a few days.”
“Well, you won’t be able to convince him to do that again, will you?”
“Definitely not,” I agreed.
“I’ll leave you two. I need to use the restroom.” Megan laughed.
I watched her go.
“So, since I have you in here all alone, how are you?” Dr. Watts asked. He watched me, carefully reading my expression.
It all hit me suddenly, and I wasn’t sure how to answer. I sat in silence for a minute. There was no fooling Dr. Watts. “There was this earthquake in Seattle when I was a kid. Like 1999 or 2000? It lasted for a while. It felt like whatever was underneath the dirt was made of jell-o. That’s how my life feels right now.” I was amazed I’d gotten that out.
He nodded.
“Everything feels temporary.” It had only hit me in small bits until he’d asked that simple question.
“You know, Leigh. Most people in your situation are on anti-depressants and seeing a counselor. I haven’t suggested it yet because I’ve felt like you’ve been on top of things, but maybe it’s time for that. I’m going to send in a scrip.”
“I’ll let
you know if I need it.” I didn’t like the idea. How would it change me? What would it change?
He watched me for a minute. “Does Brian know how you feel?”