by Amy Johnson
“I, uh, I don’t know. I’ve never seen them if he does.”
“Well most men do and they, uh… well they kind of have an…uh, experience similar to what you had only theirs is on purpose. So, what if you found out that Ted did that every now and again? Would you consider that cheating on you?”
Megan tilted her head back and thought about it for a moment. “No.” She finally said.
“Well then, what you did is no different except that yours was an accident and his isn’t. So I tell you what. Tomorrow after you’ve had time to cool off and calm down we’ll search the house and see if we can find some of those magazines. If we do then you’re off the hook. If we don’t then you can tell Ted and we’ll go to confession and confess to your parents, or pay whatever penance you think you need to. But you’ve had enough excitement for one day so let’s worry about it tomorrow.”
“You’re right. We’ll worry about it tomorrow.” She covered the salad and placed it in the refrigerator. “I just hope we find some of those magazines.”
‘We will’ Stacy thought ‘because tomorrow I’m going to plant some here so you don’t go crazy and leave me to raise Spot’.
***
Stacy left after giving Megan a reassuring hug and Megan continued to make dinner. By 6:00 she had everything cooking and dashed upstairs, avoiding mirrors to get decked out for her passionate evening with Ted. She took her red dress from the closet and laid it on the bed. She stared at it and tried to imagine what Ted would think. Would he find her irresistibly sexy and be so consumed by passion that he didn’t notice her hair? Not a chance, she decided.
Or maybe Ted wouldn’t be angry. Maybe he’d just leave her for another woman that was sane and didn’t have unassisted orgasms...
She took her new shoes from the closet and sat them on the bed beside the dress.
Maybe if she put them on and ran down the stairs in the four inch heels she would fall and hit her head and end up in the hospital and when Ted rushed to her side she could tell him that the hospital personnel cut her hair to examine the wound and he should feel very lucky she was alive. Yeah right!
She got out her new lingerie and tossed them on the bed as well. She wondered how well the material would hold up if she tried to strangle herself with the thong panties. Who was she kidding? She was screwed. She sat on the bed with her head in her hands. It was going to be a long night.
Bitty and Bugs slowly approached her bed and took their places at her feet. She petted their heads and they nuzzled her legs. “You still love me, right?” The pups barked and jumped in her lap and began licking her face. She gave them both big hugs and shuffled them out of the room to get dressed. She was being silly. Ted would still love her too. The sight of her in that slinky red dress, those elegant shoes, and her barely there lingerie was going to send him over the edge into a passionate frenzy and he was going to realize what a dope he’d been for taking her for granted. He’d make it his mission in life to make it up to her. And if he didn’t she could use the heels of her new shoes to beat him to a bloody pulp.
***
By six thirty she was dressed and ready to face Ted, who should be home any minute. She put the pups outside, lit candles on the table, and threw a Nora Jones CD in the stereo.
At 6:55 she heard Ted’s car pull into the drive. She said a silent prayer that the ceiling would fall in and crush her like a pancake. She looked at the ceiling. Nothing happened so she went to the door to meet Ted. He was on his cell phone shouting impatiently at the person on the other end. Megan just stood there and looked at him, really looked at him for the first time in years. He still had a head full of blonde hair and his boyish smile. His eyes were a devastating light brown with little green specks around the irises that were now accented with little wrinkles around the corners that only made him look more handsome. His evenly tanned face sported a slight five o’clock shadow that gave him a rugged, rustic appeal. His lean frame was in perfect form due to his obsessive nightly workouts in the basement. His firm, round butt was covered by perfectly creased jeans that bulged around his thighs and calves. He wore a white dress shirt unbuttoned at the neck and Italian loafers. If he stood at a distance and didn’t open his mouth she could probably muster up an orgasm. She shivered at the thought. Two orgasms in one day would probably kill her, or at least be grounds for a psych eval.
Ted started up the steps and paused at the front door, his cell phone still at his ear. Megan took a step forward, raised her chin and stuck out her chest. Ted dropped his phone. His gaze roamed from her recently chopped, and now blonde hair to her newly painted toenails. He stood silently staring at Megan who was scanning the street for speeding buses or alien abductions. Finally their eyes met and Megan forgot to breathe. Ted brushed her cheek with the inside of his index finger then gently squeezed past her and sat in his chair. Megan stood motionless at the door, her hand still on the doorknob. Ted was the first to speak.
“Where are the dogs?” Did she hear him right? After all the hell and humiliation she’d been through today to look sexy for him his first thought was the dogs.
“In the backyard and dinner is waiting in the kitchen.” Without further explanation she strode to the kitchen and began putting ice in glasses and setting the food on the table. Ted joined her a few moments later and took his usual seat. He sat quietly, his napkin in his lap, his gaze adverted to the floor. Megan was determined to let him speak first but he obviously had nothing to say so she broke the silence.
“It’ll grow back Ted.” He looked up still in a daze.
“Huh?”
“My hair!” She rolled her eyes up as if she could see her hair through her skull. “I know I should have asked you first but the hairdresser, he just started chopping and before I could speak…”
“You’re hair looks nice.” What? He liked it? Had aliens abducted Ted and replaced him with a new Ted who liked change and gave her compliments? She blinked several times and involuntarily raised her hand to the back of her neck.
“You like it?”
“It’s… different but…Yeah, I like it.” He frowned. “Do you like it Meg?”
The words surprised her. He never cared what she thought or what she wanted and because of that she hadn’t even thought about whether she liked it. “Oh. I don’t know, I guess so. I was so worried about what you would think that I hadn’t even thought about it. I was afraid you would divorce me.”
“What’s for dinner?”
Hel-lo? Megan thought. Red dress, sexy shoes, slutty lingerie! What happened to ravish and devour. If she wasn’t a strong Christian woman she’d stand on the table and flash him her butt cleavage. Instead she kept her dignity and said “steak” in the perkiest voice she could muster.
They ate dinner in silence and when they were done Megan started clearing the dishes from the table to keep from bursting into tears. The only explanation for Ted’s lack of attention was that he was secretly gay.
If he wasn’t gay, then what was it? Was she fat? Did she have spinach in her teeth or a booger on the tip of her nose? She grabbed the toaster and squinted her eyes to see her reflection. Nope, aside from the hair she looked the same. She ran her eyes the length of her body checking for toilet paper stuck down her leg or imaginary cooties. Nothing! Instead, what she saw was a thirty year old trim, well-toned body. Maybe Ted was just tired. And gay.
She finished the dishes and shut off all the lights and joined Ted in the living room. Ted was asleep in his chair, the remote control still in his left hand. She sunk onto the couch making more noise than necessary. Ted didn’t budge. She picked up a magazine and flipped through the pages as loudly as she could. Ted remained in dreamland. Growing frustrated and agitated she rolled up the magazine and slapped the coffee table with it hard. Ted bolted up and looked around, dropping his remote control.
“Fly,” she explained and when he gave her a perplexed look she elaborated. “There was a fly on the coffee table. I killed it with the Better Homes and Gard
ens.” He dismissed it and began looking for his remote control.
“I’ll get it,” she said and crossed the room, turning around so that her rear end was facing him and did her best Marilyn Monroe rendition of retrieving the fallen remote, giving him an ample view of her backside. She shimmied back up with more shake than necessary and handed the remote control to him.
He got out of the chair and gave it back. “Goodnight,” he told her before taking the stairs two at a time. Megan let the dogs in and climbed the stairs to bed dragging her self-esteem behind her.
Chapter Three
She spent the next morning trying to forget the horrors of the previous day. She scrubbed the bathtub, gave the dogs a bath, and dealt with a defiant Spot while cleaning his bowl. She sifted through her email and wrote her column for the week on ‘Surviving a Long Distance Relationship.’ She figured she probably knew more about that than passion since Ted and she lived in the same house but were distant as hell. They’d probably have a better marriage if he lived in Egypt. Or Columbia.
Columbia. Her thoughts strayed to Sergio. Now there’s a passionate man. He reeked of passion from his beautiful head to his boot clad toes. She should have married Sergio.
Or Gabe.
What was she thinking? She loved Ted and she knew he loved her. He hadn’t divorced her because of her hair. He may not have been jumping for joy when he saw the new her but he didn’t run for the hills either. Maybe he was just in shock. Or gay. Or maybe she didn’t look as good as she thought she did.
The phone rang. Stacy was on the other end.
“How’d it go last night?” Megan gave her the short version of the night’s events.
“You can’t be serious. That’s it?” Stacy replied.
“Yep! And he skipped his workout last night and left an hour early for work this morning.”
“You still want to search for magazines? Or are you okay with that now?”
“I still want to search but first I wanted to talk to you about getting into shape. You go to the gym right?”
“Yeah, four times a week. But Megan, that’s not the problem. You look great.”
“Maybe Ted doesn’t think so,” Megan said biting her bottom lip.
“Ted’s an idiot. Look Meg, don’t read too much into this. Maybe he had a rough day or he’s just really tired…”
“Or maybe I’m too fat,” Megan interrupted “or not fat enough or…”
Oh boy. This was going to be a long day.
“Alright listen, I’ll pick you up on my way to workout. Be ready in about an hour. And Megan, there’s going to be men there so try to control your, uh…well, you know,” Stacy chuckled.
“Very funny!” Megan snapped then said, “I’ll be ready.”
***
By the time Stacy arrived Megan was on the front steps raring to go. She had just devoured an entire Sara Lee Strawberry Cheesecake but since she ate it half frozen to save on time she decided the calories didn’t count. Only calories at room temperature would damage your figure. She was almost positive she’d read that somewhere. Plus she needed fuel for jazzercise right?
Stacy had thrown a towel in the passenger seat of her Toyota Camry. Megan gave her a menacing grin and sat on top of it. Stacy tried to hide her laughter.
“I didn’t want to take any chances,” Stacy explained.
“You’re not my type,” Megan retorted as she got in and buckled her seatbelt.
“Rough morning?” Stacy asked. Megan nodded.
“Cheesecake?” Stacy asked. Again Megan nodded.
“Strawberry Deluxe?”
“Yep.”
“You save me any?”
“Well I was going to but then I read the expiration date and found that it had expired, so I was afraid it might poison you and I couldn’t throw it out because the dogs might get into it, so I did the only thing I could to protect everyone involved.”
“How humanitarian of you. Was it good?”
Delicious! “No, I had to hold my nose and force it in.”
“Well you missed some.” Stacy said gesturing to the piece of cheese covered crust on Megan’s shirt just below her left breast. Megan scooped it off and handed it to Stacy who popped it in her mouth.
“Your right,” Stacy said. “It tastes spoiled. Thanks for looking out for mankind by disposing of the rest of it.”
When they got to the gym Stacy parked her car and reached in the backseat to collect two bottles of water and a towel. They got out, locked up, and entered the gym at a dead run.
“Why are we running?” Megan asked struggling to keep up.
“We’re late. Adele hates it when people are late.”
“Who’s Adele?”
“My fitness instructor. She takes her job very seriously.” They swung open the door and made it just in time for the warm up exercises. Megan took one look at Adele and knew she was in trouble.
Adele was somewhere between 40 and 50, about 5 foot tall and weighed about one hundred and fifty pounds of solid muscle. Her calves and biceps bulged, and her stomach sported a six pack. Her boob muscles were about as big as Megan’s head and her voice was gruff and husky. She had her hair cropped close to her scalp and she shouted military like instructions over the loud music. Megan felt a sudden urge to salute, but quashed it when Adele wandered over their way.
“Who’s this?” Adele asked Stacy.
“This is my friend, Megan.” She gestured to Adele. “Megan, Adele.” Megan nodded and stuck out her hand.
Adele didn’t take it. Instead she looked Megan over from head to toe. “Turn around,” she told Megan and Megan looked at Stacy who nodded at her impatiently. Megan turned around as Adele continued to size her up.
“Not bad,” Adele began. “Butt looks okay, legs are decent until you get to the thighs.” In one fluent move Adele had her hands on Megan’s hips pinching her sides. Megan blinked, too stunned to move. “These love handles are really unattractive dear. We’ve got to get rid of those.” Adele moved on to Megan’s arms pinching the skin on the underside. She shook her head sadly. “You’re butt’s too boney, you’ve got chunky thighs, grotesque love handles, and your arms are as skinny as pipe cleaners. You look like a bulimic Olive Oyl.”
Megan stood there speechless debating whether she should walk out the door and tie herself to the train tracks or inhale another cheesecake. Or maybe she should eat the cheesecake then tie herself to the train tracks. She wanted to cry. And bash Amazon Commando Woman in the head with a frozen cheesecake.
The music started pounding again and all the women obediently took their places behind their steppers. Adele began demonstrating moves and Megan tried to keep up. Stacy looked like she was taking a leisurely stroll through the park while Megan felt like she was climbing Mount Everest with a Volkswagen strapped to her back. Her breathing was ragged, her chest was on fire, and her arms and legs felt like they weighed a thousand pounds each. And if that wasn’t enough, the cheesecake she’d eaten earlier was gurgling around in her stomach like a dead weight. She was either gonna hurl cheesecake like the exorcist or drop dead on her stepper.
What the hell had she been thinking wanting to work out? The only working out she ever did was unbuttoning her pants after desert. This was torture. With her luck Ted would be ready for some passion tonight and she’d be in ICU. Shit!
“Okay ladies, warm up’s over. Now let’s get down to business,” Adele commanded. The music changed to something with a lot of bass. What? That was a warm up? Oh God!
“Isn’t this fun?” Stacy said, her body not even glistened with sweat.
“Yeah. Loads,” Megan managed. Not as much fun as slitting my wrists with a spoon.
About ten minutes into the workout Adele ordered the ladies to pick up their weights. Each weight supposedly weighed five pounds. Yeah right!
Adele demonstrated the next exercise. She planted her feet firmly apart, brought one knee up and to the side while simultaneously bringing her weighted arm into a curl. It loo
ked simple enough.
Megan took a deep breath planted her feet, brought her knee up, bent her arm to curl the weight, lost her balance, fell to the ground and smashed herself in the head with the weight. Little white spots danced before her eyes as she lay there, too tired to move, too embarrassed to get up. The music still blared and above her she saw the other women still working out. She closed her eyes and laid there lifting one weight in tune with Adele’s counting. Finally Stacy saw her on the floor and shrieked. The music stopped and when she opened her eyes Adele and half the class were standing over her. Adele leaned in close to her body.
“Get up,” she ordered. Megan didn’t even open her eyes.
“Can’t.”
“Why not?” Adele wanted to know.
“Because I think I’m dead.” She heard Stacy chuckle.
“Don’t be a wuss. You’re holding up my class. Hurry up.”
“Do you guys use a cleaning service here? Because if you don’t you might want to check on retaining one because this carpet smells awful.”
“No,” Stacy said. “That smell would be you.” Megan grimaced.
“Fine, lay there,” a frustrated Adele growled. “Ladies back to your steppers.”
“Can I get a pillow?” Megan asked just before the music came back on and the lights went off for Megan.
Megan awoke in a big, black, leather chair in what appeared to be an office. Her legs were propped on a large wooden desk and she had something very cold on her forehead. She heard a masculine voice conversing with Stacy and felt the wonderful chill from refrigerated air conditioning seep into her sweat soaked skin. As if she were afraid sudden movement would result in her head rolling off her neck she turned to the voices very slowly and opened her eyes.
Above her, holding an ice pack to her head was a mountain of a man clothed only in spandex and sporting a single hoop earring in his left ear which was a stunning contrast to his sun bronzed skin. He had long, black hair held back in a tight ponytail and gobs of stiff hair curling about on his chest. He looked at her with a gentle smile and said, “Mrs. Malone? How are you feeling?”