by Amy Johnson
“Granny,” Megan said, moving the crystal ball from her grandmother’s reach. “Tell me why you got kicked out of the retirement home or I’m calling Mom.” Her grandmother slapped her hand and chuckled, a rebellious look in her eye.
“Go ahead. She won’t answer the phone.”
“What?” Megan asked, hoping she hadn’t heard her grandmother correctly.
“That sourpuss Lydia, from the home already called her. She told her to send me here.” She paused and surveyed the kitchen. “Got anything to feed an old woman?” So her mother was home and not taking her calls? Oh hell!
“OK, for the last time Granny, what did you do?” Megan asked through narrowed eyes as Jack settled in comfortably to watch, his brown eyes dancing, his mouth tipped up into a sultry smile.
“I was just having a little fun.”
“Granny!” Megan planted her hands on her hips.
“It was nothing really.”
“Granny!” Megan leaned forward to challenge her grandmother’s menacing grin.
“Oh, alright, it all started because one of those hateful Bingo broads called us the blue haired club during Bingo and it really yanked our chains.”
“So?” Megan said, raising an eyebrow.
“So, on Thursday when sweet cheeks came to visit I had him do our hair.” She ran her finger through it and grinned. “Then he did our nails and toenails.”
“Sweet cheeks?” Jack asked, amused.
“Mickey,” Megan informed him. “Granny calls him sweet cheeks because he used to have chubby cheeks and she used to squeeze them.”
“Not true, Megan,” Granny argued. “I call him that because he has a nice set of buns. Too bad he’s gay. I’d like to show him a trick or two. Anyway, he did our hair and told us we looked bitchin’ so we told the Bingo hag our table was to be referred to from now on as the Bodacious Bitchin’ Babes.”
She flashed Jack a big smile and he said, “You Go, Granny.”
Megan shot him a look that could’ve singed his eyebrows. “Don’t encourage her.”
“So,” Granny continued, “they kicked us out of the Bingo Hall. Said we can’t use that kind of language. The prudes!”
“Uh huh,” Megan said, reminding herself to bitch slap Mickey.
“And you know how I like to gamble.”
“Uh huh,” Megan said.
“So we formed our own club.” She gave a dramatic pause. “We went to Mildred’s room and planned us a poker night.”
“So they kicked you out for playing poker?” Jack asked. “That’s kind of overkill.”
“Just wait, I’m sure it gets better,” Megan said, knowing that mischievous tone in her grandmother’s voice. She prompted Granny, “So?”
“So we had Ester’s grandson smuggle us in some booze and smokes. Can you believe that idiot brought us Mad Dog 20 20 and generic smokes?” Megan grimaced. Well, at least Granny wasn’t smoking dope. Yet. “And we spread the word about the big game.” Megan rolled her eyes and sat down as her grandmother continued. “So I stood at door to collect the cover charge and frisk people as they came in and…”
“Frisk them for what?” Megan asked, not wanting to know the answer.
“Nothing really, I just always wanted to do that. You know, like in the cop shows. Plus I’m an old woman. Frisking old men was the highlight of my day. You know, see who can still get it up?” Jack laughed while Megan was mortified. Her grandmother got kicked out of a nursing home for playing with old men and she had orgasms on massage tables. Her mother was going to have a stroke.
“OK, so you sexually harassed a few old men. That’s not so bad. I’ll take you back and you can say sorry and you’ll be back in your room by bedtime.”
“It gets better,” Granny said. “Or worse if you’re poor Frankie.”
Great! “Go on,” Megan mumbled.
“So we’re playing poker and after me and Mildred cleaned Sam and Harry out of their Social Security checks we got bored, so we decided to make it interesting.”
“Oh hell,” Megan growled, “I hate interesting.” Her grandmother smiled and Megan knew from the twinkle in her eyes that whatever was coming next was bad.
“So we decided up the stakes and play strip poker. We was doing pretty good too till Olivia dropped her top and Frankie had a heart attack.”
Megan dropped her head on the table and waved her hand in the air for Granny to go on. It couldn’t get much worse could it? It’s not like the last time Granny got kicked out for showing up to the line dancing class wearing only a cowboy hat, an arm sling and smile.
“So,” Granny continued, “We buzzed Pork Chop the four hundred pound nurse to roll Frankie out so someone else could take his spot at the table. Next thing I know Herb and Otis are fighting over Frankie’s chips and a fight breaks out.”
“Of course,” Megan mumbled.
“Then Frankie starts yelling at them to leave his chips alone and I look around for Mildred and find her dancing topless on her hospital bed throwing back the last of her forty ounce.” Jack winced at the mental picture Granny was providing. “Once Frankie got an eyeful of Mildred’s quarter pounders he clutched his heart again and keeled over.”
“Wait a minute, quarter pounders?” Megan asked and Granny and Jack both laughed.
“Her boobies, Megan. Get with the program,” Granny said and all Megan could do was picture Mildred Myers- her first grade teacher- flashing her hamburger style boobs at her and asking her if she’d like mayonnaise or mustard. “Should I go on?” Granny asked.
“I’m dying to hear it,” Jack said and Megan thought about drop kicking him out of his chair just because he was there and she was frustrated and he was enjoying himself way too much.
“So when the dweeb nurse gets there Frank is sprawled out face down on the floor, Herb and Otis are throwing poker chips at each other fighting over Frankie’s winnings, and Mildred is giving Benny a lap dance.” Megan pounded her head again, this time hard, and thought about standing under a tree in a lightning storm. “Old Mildred,” Granny continued with a wistful look, “she’s a hot little thing. Shoot, when they dragged her off that bed she had dollar bills sticking out of her panty hose. Think she made about twenty bucks but won’t know for sure till they get all the poker chips out of her stockings.” Granny pulled Megan’s head up by her hair and said, “You listening to me?” Megan nodded and Granny went on. “Good thing Nazi Nurse grabbed her by the waist and dragged her down, because she was just about to kick old Crazy Howie’s shriveled up butt cause he put a five spot in her waist band and was digging in her panty hose to make change.” Granny smiled and Jack broke out in a roar of laughter. “Men just don’t have respect for strippers no more.”
“It’s a damn shame what the world’s coming to,” Jack agreed.
“So in one night, Granny,” Megan began trying to process everything, “you turned a Christian Nursing Home into a scene from a sleazy Vegas Casino complete with a dead guy and eighty year old strippers.”
“Mildred’s only seventy-four, Megan, and Frankie was going to die anyway. Might as well croak staring at a nice pair of jugs…”
“OK, Granny, that’s it. You can’t stay here. My life is a mess and you’re crazy. I’m going over to Mom’s and I’ll kick the door down if I have to. Be ready to go. Mom will be here to pick you up in a few minutes.”
“I guess you’re not having sex yet,” Granny said winking at Jack. “Maybe you should grab him and go upstairs. Loosen you up a little. You’re just like you’re mother, uptight and repressed.” Megan let out a screech and threw her hands in the air.
“I have plenty of sex Granny and…”
“Not according to your mother. She says you been kissing this good looking guy though.” She turned back to Jack. “That you?” He nodded and she said, “You sure look like fun. If Megan don’t jump you soon give Granny a call. I’ll tuck you in bed and show you how we used to do it in the forties.”
“I’ll keep that in mind, cutie,�
�� Jack said and Megan grabbed him by the arm and dragged him outside.
“Jack, keep an eye on her. I’m going to run to my Mom’s and make her come get her.” Jack grinned and Megan slapped his shoulder. “This is not funny.”
“Oh, I don’t know. Seems pretty damn funny to me. Now I know where you get all your spunk from.” Jack noticed that Megan was still grasping his arm and he wrapped his other arm around her waist. Her body stilled and for a moment she relaxed into him.
“Don’t let her out of your sight,” Megan warned.
“We’ll be fine,” Jack said brushing his lips against her temple.
“And don’t let her by the phone. The last nursing home she was in kicked her out for prank calling the mayor.” Megan felt Jack laugh against her forehead and she didn’t want to move. He was a lot easier to resist when he was pond scum.
“Don’t worry, I’ll keep her busy,” Jack said trailing his lips down her cheek.
“Don’t let her frisk you,” Megan said enjoying his sensual teasing kisses.
“You jealous?” Megan broke the embrace, eyes wide.
“No, of course not.”
“Just checking,” Jack answered, missing her heat immensely. “Go on. If we get bored we’ll play strip dominos or Spin the Bottle.” Megan smiled and Jack couldn’t resist her anymore. To hell with his head, his heart was right. He never had a chance. He was a goner. Big time. And he didn’t care.
“OK, I’ll be back. Fifteen minutes tops.”
“Be careful,” Jack said as she turned to go. Then, abruptly, he grabbed her arm and she spun back around “One more thing, Megan.”
“What?” she said, and before she realized what was going on Jack had her in a tight embrace, his hands holding her tightly at the hips, his warmth and touch leaving her almost breathless.
“This,” he whispered before lowering his head and claiming her mouth with his. His touch electrified her and she parted her lips and he captured her tongue with a fierceness that buckled her knees. She pulled back a little but he drew her closer, hungrily commandeering her mouth until she gave up and deepened the kiss, mingling her tongue with his. She heard his approval by the low groan that came from his throat and when she wrapped her arms around him letting them caress his muscular back she felt him jump, releasing a short burst of air and she smiled inside. She’d done that to him and it felt awesome. His hand lingered to her round butt and she too released a breath she realized she’d been holding. His now obvious erection brushed her stomach startling her and she was thankful the kiss was interrupted by her grandmother’s voice stating that she needed her medicine.
Jack broke the sultry kiss and rested his head on her forehead gazing into her eyes with a hungry, unquenchable lust.
“I’ve waited fifteen years to do that,” he said in a low satisfied voice and if Granny hadn’t been shouting at them Megan might have questioned the meaning of those words. Megan stepped back and touched her swollen kiss-stung lips.
“The shot glasses are over the refrigerator,” she told Jack as she started down the driveway.
“Shot glasses?” He asked, wanting her back in his arms immediately.
“Yeah,” Megan said. “Her medicine is moonshine. It’s probably in her red bag. I’ll be right back. Have fun.” Mrs. Everett’s porch light shut off and Megan grinned. Let the old bat get her kicks.
Jack watched her depart, admiring the view of her firm little bottom with just enough jiggle to make any man’s hormones sizzle and when she slowly turned her head back and gave him that smile he thought he’d died and gone to heaven.
Megan enjoyed the two block jog to her mother’s. She needed it to cool her off from Jack’s sizzling heat and get her brain back to the problem at hand. Granny.
Her mother would know what to do about Granny and then Megan could figure out what to do with Jack. And how many times. In how many positions.
And where the hell had that come from? Jack was a rebel, a PI who bordered criminal level. He probably had a rap sheet, a couple of illegitimate children, bad credit, and trailer house.
But he was gorgeous and funny and the walking picture of up against the wall, forbidden, heart stopping sex. Hell the passion in that kiss alone had surpassed anything she’d felt in the last half of her marriage. And despite her logical, analytical mind that was telling her he was bad news, she wanted more of him. If that one, short kiss was any indication of what Jack Westin could do to a woman then…
Heart racing wildly and hormones overflowing she opened the back door of her parents’ house and let the screen slam shut. She saw the glow of the T.V. from the living room, Jeopardy on the screen, her dad in his chair.
“Hi Daddy,” she called out and got a quick wave which was all anyone ever got from him when Jeopardy was on. She hollered for her mother and found her folding clothes in the bedroom. She looked at Megan with a knowing smile and a guilty twinkle in her eye. Megan planted her hands on her hips and narrowed her eyes.
“Mom, you have to go get her,”
“No.” Her mother shook out a sheet and said, “Grab an end, dear.”
“What do you mean no?” Megan grabbed the end of the sheet and helped her fold it. “She’s driving me crazy.”
“Short trip,” her mother muttered and Megan grunted and took the sheet to finish folding it.
“Go get her. She’s already read Jack’s palm and she coming on to him, Mom. Like sexually.” She shuddered. “It’s… gross.”
Her mother was smiling. “Yeah, she does that.” She tossed another sheet at Megan. Raising her eyebrows she said, “You jealous?”
Megan bit back a slew of curses that would have made a sailor blush. “Jealous? Are you kidding me? Of course I’m not jealous. Jeez, Mom!”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“The problem? Gee, let’s see, maybe the fact that she’s like eighty.” Megan finished folding the sheet and handed it to her mother not amused with the humorous look on her mother’s face. “Grandmas aren’t supposed to have sex. I mean they shouldn’t even think about it. But no, my Granny is about to jump my…” Megan stopped. Her what? What exactly was Jack? He wasn’t her boyfriend that was for damn sure. Of course after that kiss…
“Boyfriend? Lover?” Her mother asked in a teasing tone.
“No!” But even Megan wasn’t convinced considering she’d answered the question too quickly with too much of a defensive tone. “Jack is strictly a friend.” Her mother laughed and raised her brows in a mocking gesture. “I swear Mom, he’s just my friend, but I’m not here to talk about Jack. Granny is the problem. She’s got to go. You have to go get her.”
“No. You’re her favorite grandchild. It would make her happy to spend time with you. Plus with Ted gone you might get lonely.”
I’d rather be lonely with Jack. “Mom, I’m her only grandchild and she hates me. Just ask her. By now she’s probably on the phone with that Nazi Nurse begging to go back to the home.”
“Or sitting in your boyfriends lap.” Megan’s eyes widened with shock. Her mother was definitely losing it. “You’d better run home. Granny moves fast. She might be ruining him for all other women as we speak.” The mental picture Megan got in her head was enough to kill every glorious raging hormone from Jack’s kiss. Suddenly her mother’s motive was clear. Damn devious woman.
“Mother! You’re just doing this to punish me.”
“Spending time with your grandmother is punishment?” All teasing and humor had left her voice and she was frowning at Megan obviously disappointed.
“Well no but…you’re just using this situation to your advantage.” Megan’s mother put her hands on her hips and glared at her daughter. “You’re sticking me with her so she can baby-sit and tell you everything I do. You just don’t want me to have sex or anything and you know I can’t with her around.”
Her mother looked at her incredulous. “So I send a sex crazed senior citizen, who after a couple shots of moonshine will be oblivious to the world, to
keep an eye on you. Get real Megan. Your grandmother probably gets more than you do.”
“EEYEEW!” Megan shrieked and her father yelled, “Keep it down, it’s Double Jeopardy.”
“OK, so maybe she’s not there to chaperone me, but she can’t stay. It’s not safe. I’m in grave danger.” Her mother rolled her eyes. “I’m serious mom, people are after me. They could show up anytime.”
“I believe they’re already there. Mrs. Everett called before you got here and she said you were kissing your friend on the back porch.”
“Not Jack! Drug dealers. They could be coming to kill me. I’d hate for Granny to be shot in the cross fire.” Her mother threw her another sheet. God, how many sheets could one person have?
“Drug dealers,” her mother said. “You should have just stuck to the sex story. At least that I could believe.”
Sex with Jack. Megan shivered and felt her hormones kick back up. “I’m serious, Mom. Ted owes the Madrino brothers a hundred thousand dollars and they said if he doesn’t pay they’ll hurt me. They could hurt Granny. You have to go get her.”
Her mother was laughing so hard she had to sit down. “The Madrino brothers? I’m supposed to believe that?” Megan banged her head on the door frame. “Those yahoos can’t spell gun much less shoot one. Don’t worry Meg, Granny can take them both. She’ll protect you. Go home to Granny, Megan. Better hurry before she convinces Jack to play Twister in the buff.”
“Mother!” Megan yelled.
Her father yelled “Put a sock in it, will you?” Megan slammed the door and turned back to her mother who was shaking her head and snickering.
“Go home, Meg. You and Granny have a lot in common; boys, booze, and bad behavior. Monday morning I’ll collect her things from the nursing home and see if I can find another one that’ll take her but for now she’s all yours. Have fun.” Megan opened her mouth to protest but her mother opened the door and pushed past her, laughing. Megan gave up and went to plead with her father. She was Daddy’s princess. He never told her no. Course Jeopardy was on so it’d be a miracle if he even paid attention to her.