Snared (Jaded Regret #1)

by L. L. Collins

  What was it going to be like to see April again? She had my son at her house which meant I’d be staying there, too, so facing her was inevitable. My fingers itched to touch her smooth skin, and my body had woken up aroused more times than not over the last week after dreaming of sinking into her warmth. But I held fast to the opinion she could do better than me. I wasn’t sure what would happen once I saw her in front of me, though. I’m sure I’d hurt her by not allowing her to see me while I was in the hospital. It was bad enough she had to witness me attempting to kill myself; she didn’t deserve to be saddled with me while I figured out where my life went from here.

  But I ached for her in every way possible.

  The door opened, and I turned, expecting it to be Dr. Grant with my release papers or Natalie. Instead, I came face to face with Dr. Knight, April’s father. I stopped short, my feet squeaking on the linoleum as we had a silent conversation.

  “Beau,” Dr. Knight said, shutting the door behind him. “You’re looking well, son.”

  I appeared to be a lumberjack who had lost his flannel shirt. I needed a razor and STAT. Not to mention a good meal and a nice hot shower. Oh, and maybe about three days of sleep. He reached his hand out, and I shook it with my good hand, my mind racing a thousand miles an hour. What was he doing here? What did he know?

  “Dr. Knight. How did you know I was here?” Might as well get right to the point.

  “Let’s sit.” He indicated the chairs where I’d spent way too many hours already talking. I’d talked more in the last week than I had my entire life. Even Dr. Mia had gotten involved, being part of a few of my therapy sessions via Skype.

  I obeyed, afraid not to for fear the man might kill me.

  “April came to me a few days ago. I’ve never seen her so upset. She looked like she hadn’t eaten in a week, or slept for that matter.”

  My gut clenched. I had done that to her. If there was ever a moment I was sure letting her go was the right thing to do, it was right now. “Sir, I’m so sorry. It won’t happen again.”

  “Beau, if there are a few things I understand, it’s that sometimes life gives you curveballs you can’t anticipate. You know the story of how I met my wife, right?” I nodded. “And you also know that my oldest daughter, Lucia, died of a brain tumor at the age of four.” I nodded again, not trusting my voice. “I didn’t anticipate falling in love with Sophie. I had no control over it whatsoever. If I had to guess, that’s what happened with you and April.” He paused, and I thought about what he said. Did I love her? Did I even know what love meant? I wasn’t sure.

  “Dr. Knight.” He held up his hand, effectively silencing me.

  “Let me finish. You didn’t anticipate falling in love. It wasn’t part of your plan. You shut yourself off from trying to connect with people because of what happened to you as a child and the difficulties you’ve had since then. You didn’t think anyone would understand you, much less want to support you through it. But then you met April. You saw there was something about her, and she made you feel like a man again. You fell for her, and you fell hard. That was a big enough step in itself, and one you still haven’t entirely admitted. But then you found out you have a son you never knew about, and he’s had a rough life. He suffers like you do. You couldn’t cope. You had no tools left to use to dig yourself out of that hole, so you gave up instead. You shut down and tried to end your life. Now, you find yourself at a crossroads. You have a son you need to take responsibility for, but you don’t think you’re capable of doing so. You have a woman who loves you, but you don’t think she should because you think you’ve hurt her beyond repair. You think you’re both better off without each other, since you don’t know how to manage yourself, much less this new child who doesn’t know you’re his dad and this woman who witnessed you at the lowest point of your life. How am I doing so far?”

  How was he doing? He should’ve been a goddamn shrink because he was spot on and then some. “You’re doing fucking fantastic.” I felt a laugh bubble up into my chest, but I squashed it. What the hell was so funny?

  “I met Sophie at the lowest point of her life, too,” he continued. “She didn’t think she was good enough for me and that her issues would only take me down with her. It took me a long time to convince her I wasn’t in our relationship to take care of her, but I was in it to love her more than she ever thought possible. Still to this day, Beau, I look at that woman and know I didn’t save her. She saved me. She loved me even when I didn’t feel lovable. She believed in me when I wanted to give up. After we lost Lucia, I was worried I’d lose Sophie. We were still so young, and I thought of Sophie as fragile. But I was wrong . . . so damn wrong. Sophie was my lifeline when I wanted to give up. If I couldn’t save my child, how could I save anyone else’s? April’s a strong girl. She’ll make it if you decide you don’t want to be with her anymore. But maybe, just maybe, it’s not you who needs her. It could be that she needs you just as much.”

  I wanted to clam up and shut down, which was my M.O. But I knew Dr. Knight deserved better than that. April deserved better. He’d come here to talk to me, and I needed to respect that.

  “You’re right. April has gotten to me, and I’m not sure how to handle that. I’ve shut people out for so long; it feels foreign to let someone in. When I look at her, I see perfection. I know that’s not true, that none of us are perfect, but she’s damn near close to it as far as I’m concerned. Then I think about myself, and I know I’m a broken man with more issues than anyone should ever have to deal with. Now, on top of that, I have a child I never knew about. I don’t know how to do any of this. I keep picturing April giving up everything for me and years down the road being unhappy that she did that.”

  “Let me tell you something about April,” Dr. Knight said. “She doesn’t do anything she doesn’t want to do. I admit, I pushed her more than I should’ve when she was a teenager. I wanted her to go into medicine. She kept telling me no. I should’ve known where her heart was since she spent her entire childhood with my wife, working her heart out for those kids. But because she wanted to make me happy, she went to medical school. You know how long that lasted before she—very politely I might add—told me to go stuff it? One year. She was miserable and realized that wasn’t for her. Ever since then, I’ve learned to listen to my girl. She knows what she wants, and she goes after it. Then once she has it, she does it to the best of her ability and never looks back. So when she told me she . . . cared about you, I never doubted for one second that she’d do whatever it took to get what she wanted.”

  I opened and closed my mouth, a response failing to compute.

  “So stop thinking you’re going to hold her back or that you aren’t enough for her. If my girl says you’re enough, you are. Don’t let your insecurities cloud what could be the best thing ever to happen to you. Yeah, you have a son now. Nothing about that scares April.”

  “It should, though. I know how hard I was to deal with as a child, and even now as an adult. I don’t understand a lot of what I feel or why I feel it. I—”

  “That makes you the best person to deal with this.” He interrupted me. “You remember what it’s like to be a child who ached to be understood in a world that was judgmental and harsh. You’re the perfect person to be a father to Robbie. April isn’t afraid of you, Beau, and she’s not afraid to help you with Robbie.”

  “But I don’t want her to think she has to be an instant mom or something because I’m incompetent as a father.” Might as well put every single insecurity out there; what did I have to lose?

  Dr. Knight smiled. “Are you finished making excuses? I know you’re a bigger man than that. When you look at April, what do you see?”

  Excuses? They weren’t excuses. They were valid reasons why I didn’t want to saddle April with both of us. Even if it would leave me alone and empty. What did I see? I saw the most beautiful, most amazing woman I’d ever known.

  “You don’t need to answer me,” he said. “You just showed me ever
ything written all over your face. Go get her, Beau. Don’t let her suffer without you anymore, and stop your suffering in the meantime. Rarely do things make perfect sense when written all out on a pros and cons list, but that doesn’t make them any less meant to be.”

  He stood and I followed. He clapped a hand on my shoulder and turned away, heading toward the door. When he pulled the door open, he turned back to face me. “I have to go, Beau. I know you’ll do the right thing for all of you.”

  “You don’t hate me for what I did?” The words tumbled out of my mouth. I deserved to be hated. I’d been despised most of my life so I couldn’t fathom why he didn’t seem to hate me.

  Dr. Knight looked me straight in the eyes. “Hate you? Oh, Beau.” He crossed the room again and pulled me into a hug. It was foreign, the feeling of a man showing me affection. While it was strange, it was oddly comforting. “I could never hate you. You take care of yourself, okay? If you need anything at all, please let me know. Dr. Viola and Dr. Grant are good friends of mine. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. And don’t be afraid of your feelings.”

  “I tried to kill myself in front of her,” I whispered. “She was screaming and begging me to stop, but I couldn’t hear her. I hate myself for doing that to April. I know what it feels like, to see that. My dad killed himself, and I found him. I can’t forgive myself for doing that to her, for putting those visions in her head. Still to this day I have visions of him hanging from the doorway. What have I done to her?”

  “Son.” He put hand on my shoulder and squeezed softly. “Go to her. Let her see you’re okay. She’s sick with worry. Then you both put it past you and move forward. You can’t take it back, but you can move forward.”

  It was easier said than done, but I nodded anyway. In the back of my mind, I still thought letting her move forward meant moving forward without me, despite every cell in my body screaming for the exact opposite.

  Natalie pulled into April’s driveway and cut the engine, both of us silent. No words needed to be said. I’d made her drive around for two hours after I was discharged from the hospital. She’d let the band know I needed tonight to come to terms with my new reality and we’d see them tomorrow, but I hadn’t been ready. So we’d gone to Beats and I’d banged the hell out of some drums. It had been awkward to play drums with the cast, but I’d made it work. I wouldn’t be doing any epic solos any time soon or anything like that, but it did what I’d needed it to do. Thank God Bex hadn’t had everything picked up yet. The second I’d sat down at the drum kit and picked up a pair of drumsticks, I’d felt the stress leaving my shoulders.

  It hadn’t helped for long, because no matter how hard I hit the drums and cymbals or how many songs I slammed out, the reality was I had to deal with both Robbie and April. At the same time. While I was the strongest emotionally I had been probably in years, that didn’t make me strong enough.

  Natalie, Dr. Grant, and I had a long conversation before I’d been discharged. We’d run through all the possible scenarios of what could happen when I got to April’s house and strategies for if they happened. A rock had settled in the pit of my stomach, and I felt like I’d swallowed cotton. I’d had to deal with a lot of hard shit in my life, but this might put the icing on the cake.

  I was fucking terrified. I hadn’t spoken a word in over an hour, just shook my head at Natalie when she’d asked if I was ready yet. We’d made many loops around the outskirts of Orlando, but it was past time for me to face it like the man I was supposed to be. I thought of everything Dr. Knight had told me and I tried to believe it. I tried to believe I could do this with both Robbie and April, but I knew there was only one of them who had to be stuck with me.

  I’m sorry, Robbie, I thought, looking through the front window to the house. The lights were on, and the house was warm and inviting. I remembered the last time I had been here when I woke up next to April and knew it was going to be a fun day. And it had been. Until it had become the worst day of my life. It felt like both yesterday and years ago at the same time. I’m sorry you have to have me as a parent. I wish you would’ve hit the parent lotto a little better, buddy. I don’t have a clue what I’m doing.

  What was he going to say when he found out I was his dad? He was nine years old, not a little toddler who was happy as long as they had their favorite blankey. What would happen when I walked into that house and saw April? I wasn’t sure which thing I was more terrified about. It vacillated in my head, volleying back and forth between April and Robbie.

  “Are you ready now?” Natalie’s voice interrupted my thoughts. She’d been so patient with me, waiting as long as I needed to get here.

  I took a deep breath and tapped my fingers on my cast. “I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready,” I admitted, opening the car door. “But it’s not going to go away. Let’s do this.” I’d asked Natalie to stay, even though she’d offered to leave and stay with Bex for the night to give April and me some privacy with Robbie.

  I was terrified to be alone with the two of them. I needed her to be there. So she, of course, agreed to stay. Someday my sister would get to have a life outside of me. I promised myself that much. But tonight, I needed her to be the rock she’d always been.

  We reached the front door, and Natalie turned back at me one more time. I nodded slightly, the words failing to acknowledge to go ahead and open the door. My heart rattled in my chest, and I felt lightheaded, but the panic was at bay for now. I planned to keep it that way. Armed with enough prescriptions and techniques to keep me sane for a while, I was as good as I was going to get.

  As soon as she opened the door, I smelled something wonderful cooking. My stomach rumbled despite my nerves. Natalie took my small bag from the hospital and laid it on the table next to the door, and we walked silently through the house until we got to the kitchen. I loved April’s house. It was so homey and comfortable. Maybe that was because April was in it, but still.

  Robbie sat at the bar; his head bent over as he furiously wrote on a piece of paper. April’s back was to us while she stirred something on the stove. Her dark hair was in a braid over her shoulder, and she was wearing a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. She took my breath away.

  Finally hearing us, both Robbie and April turned to us at the same time.

  “BEAU!” Robbie shouted, jumping off the bar stool and running up to me. “Are you okay? I was so worried about you!”

  I glanced down at this beautiful boy, half of me inside him, and tears pricked the backs of my eyes. His eyes were wide and content; his face was split with a grin. He was happy to see me.

  “Hi, Robbie. Yes, I’m much better, thank you.” I ruffled his hair, the urge to pull him into my arms so strong I almost did. But I needed to wait. I didn’t want him to feel violated by me once he knew the truth.

  “You broke your hand? Oh, man! How are you going to drum? Oh—I got to try playing the drums! It was awesome, but I can’t wait to do it with you sometime.” Robbie stepped back and grabbed a stack of papers from the counter. My mind was already spinning, barely registering his words. “I made all of these for you. I haven’t been going to school, so I’ve had a lot of time. I wanted you to know I missed you.” He handed me a two-inch stack of papers. As I flipped through them, I saw a recurring theme. It was him and me playing the drums with the words “GET WELL SOON” on each one.

  “Yeah, I broke my hand, but it’ll be better soon, and then I’ll be back to business. Thank you, Robbie. These are amazing. I’ll keep them forever.” He didn’t seem to be too upset about what I’d done in front of him at the group home. I guess he missed most of the major stuff, thank God.

  I heard Natalie sniffle behind me, and I knew she was fighting to keep control. I dared to look up at April. She was staring at me; her hands twisted together in front of her and a small smile played on her lips as she glanced at me and then at Robbie. She stepped closer to me once I gave her my attention, her eyes searching mine for any sign of what I was thinking or feeling. I wanted nothing more than t
o grab her and pull her to me and bury my face in her neck, smelling the intoxicating smell of April Knight. But I couldn’t.

  “April,” I said. “It smells superb in here. Thank you . . . for everything.” My words sounded formal and stiff, even to me. She got it. Her expression fell, and she stepped back, nodding her head once at my refusal.

  “Beau. It’s good to see you.” I didn’t miss the emotion in her voice, but I had to break my gaze from hers. It was overwhelming, the urge I had to haul her into my arms and apologize all while kissing the hell out of her. “I have dinner ready . . .”

  We sat down, the silence awkward as we tried to talk to each other without really talking. April asked me how I was feeling and how much longer my hand had to be casted. Natalie talked to Robbie about some game they’d been playing at night. I couldn’t do much talking beyond a few one-word answers. As great as the food was, I could only stomach a few bites before I started pushing the food around on my plate.

  Once April got up and started clearing the table, I knew it was time for me to pull Robbie aside and talk to him. “Hey, Robbie?” The child turned and looked at me, waiting. “Can I talk to you in the living room for a little while?”

  He nodded. “Do you want to play the game Natalie and I have been playing? It’s super fun.”

  “Maybe later. I need to talk to you about something, if that’s okay.”

  Natalie stood up with me, and we headed to the living room. I could hear April in the kitchen, the dishes clanging in the sink as she rinsed and loaded the dishwasher. Robbie sat on the couch next to Natalie, snuggling up next to her like he’d been here all along. But something didn’t feel right about what I was doing. Something was . . . off. If I thought about it, I knew exactly what it was.