by Logan Chance
When my mother shuts the door, I know something is up. Did they find out about Lizzy and I?
“Is everything ok, Ryan?” my father asks, sitting behind his large oak desk.
My mother takes a seat on the small black, leather couch along the far wall.
“Yeah, sure. What’s up?” I stand at attention, waiting for my father to say what he has to say.
“I received this from the VA hospital. I guess it was put in our mailbox by mistake.” He holds up a few sheets of white paper, and my heart races.
“So, you read it?” I snatch the papers from his hand.
“Ryan, we’re just worried,” my mother says.
I thumb through the results of my CAT-SCAN. “Everything’s fine.”
“You would tell us if there is anything seriously wrong with you, right, son?” My father rises from his chair.
I fold the papers up, stuffing them into the pocket of my jeans. “Yeah, of course. It’s all precautionary.”
“Precautionary,” my father repeats.
It’s hot in here. Am I suffocating?
My mother rises as well, bringing me in for a hug. “We love you so much.”
“Mom, stop. Listen, guys, I’m fine. As healthy as a horse.” I smile wide, leaving the stuffiness from the office behind as I rejoin Lizzy and the others.
As healthy as a horse.
Yeah, if the horse had been danger close to an IED explosion.
A million purple hearts could never erase what’s lying in store for me.
A few hours later, after we’ve eaten and spent ample time with the family, I take Lizzy outside to sit on the back deck over the water.
The lake has dried up some since I left, but it’s still large enough to ride the jet skis on during the weekend.
We sit, dangling our feet over the edge. The sun sets in the west, painting the sky, as we splash our toes in the water.
“So,” Lizzy begins.
“So,” I repeat.
It’s awkward.
There’s so many things I want to tell her. Last night was great, something I’ll always cherish. But, we need to move on. One night of enchantment, and now it’s time to be real with her. This will never work.
For one split second I thought it would. After being cornered in my parent’s office, reality set in.
“You’re being weird. Should we talk about this?” She takes a deep breath, and so do I.
“Yeah. Lizzy, I think you’re great.” Already I’m botching this mission before it’s begun.
“Oh no.” She covers her face, then drops her hands. “Don’t do this to me. If you want to pretend like it never happened that’s fine with me. We can go back to being friends.”
Her hair drifts around her face from the wind. She’s stunning. I’m so lucky to even get to lay eyes on her.
“It’s not that. I don’t think I could ever pretend it didn’t happen.” I swallow hard. “I just think you deserve better.”
Her eyes cut to me. “Don’t give me that line of baloney.”
I laugh at her word choice. Then back to all seriousness, I continue, “I’m not the same guy I used to be. What if it didn’t work out? I don’t want to lose you.”
“Well, me either. What I went through with my parent’s divorce devastated me.”
“Yeah, I remember. I don’t want us to ever go through anything like that.” I wrap an arm around her shoulder. “I don’t ever want to put you through that.”
“I get it. Yeah, it sucked coming from a broken home. But, look at your parents. Still in love after all these years.” Her eyes meet mine. “Look at my sister Alice. And, my friend Kayla. She met a great guy. They’re all happy.”
I kiss the top of her head. An action I am growing fond of. An action I’ll miss. “I can’t make you happy. The war fucked my head up pretty bad.”
She sits up, my arm dropping in the process. “What do you mean?”
I don’t want to tell her. The ugliness of war is not a place for her. She doesn’t need to know. “It’s fine. I’m just not the same guy anymore.”
“I like the guy you are now.” She rubs her hand down my chest, her fingers reaching underneath the hem.
“I just don’t think I can do this anymore.”
“Do what?” she asks. She knows. I see it on her face. It’s fucking killing me.
“Us.”
Her fingers feel like voodoo. I twist my fingers in her hair, bringing her lips to me and kiss her with everything I have. Everything I wish I could give her.
I’ll do anything for this girl, except be with her.
14
Lizard
“Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.” - Helen Keller
Why is heaven sometimes hell? Because that’s what this feels like. Happiness just out of reach. Bliss mixed with all the worries of what if. If he would only try, he would see how right this is. His kiss grows deeper, and I run my fingers under the ridge of his waistband, letting my touch speak the things I can’t say. He breaks the kiss and lingers for a moment.
“Let me take you home,” he says.
“I don’t get it,” Lexi says, grabbing two wine glasses from the shelf.
“Me either.” I sit on a stool in our kitchen, and Lexi pours a white, bubbly number into our empty stem glasses.
“Men.” She clinks her glass with mine, downing about half the wine in one chug.
“Tell me about it.”
After Ryan said he didn’t want to be with me, I found Lexi and told her everything.
“Men suck. They really do. They never tell you how they’re feeling.”
I sip my wine, letting the bubbles fizz on my tongue before swallowing. “I think they’re incapable of feeling anything.”
“True that.” She clinks her glass with mine again, finishing off the rest of her wine.
After a few more glasses and a lot more chatter, we move into the living room.
“I think I’ve given up on men,” Lexi states as she sips more wine.
We’re on our second bottle now, and my mind is so occupied with Ryan, I can’t focus.
“Why?” I ask.
“They just don’t get it. Look at you for example. You and this guy, Ryan, are perfect for one another from what you tell me.”
“Yeah.” If only Ryan thought so.
“And yet, he won’t commit. I don’t get it. What are men so afraid of?”
“I don’t know,” I murmur. She rambles on as I listen to her, contemplating on where to go from here.
No, fuck this. I know he wants me.
I jump from the couch, almost spilling my wine.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m calling him. This is bullshit,” I rant.
I march into the kitchen, searching for my phone in the piles of mail and women’s magazines strewn all over the counter. “Where are you?” I call out to my phone.
“Whoa, calm down.” Lexi says, coming up behind me.
“No,” I declare with one finger pointed in the air. Maybe I’m a bit drunk, but I don’t care. I didn’t imagine the way he spoke to me, kissed me, touched me. He wants me. And whatever stupid reason he thinks he has, well, I’m not going down without a fight. “I need to talk to him.”
“Ok, good luck. I’m off to bed.” Lexi stumbles down the hallway to her room.
I find my phone. Hallelujah. With blurry vision, I press his name and hit send. And, I wait.
It isn’t too late, and on the third ring he answers.
“Ryan,” I say after his groggy hello.
“Hey, you. What’s wrong?”
“Um, well, nothing. I just want to see you. Can you come over please?”
“Yeah, I’m on my way,” he whispers.
We hang up, and already my mind races with what I want to say to him when he gets here.
I pace my living room. More like stumble around.
I’m not that drunk. I’m more buzzed. A good tingly tip
sy feeling that radiates through my blood giving me courage.
A knock at my door throws me off balance.
Do not jump his bones I repeat as I walk to the door. Do not jump his bones.
I throw the door open, and fuck, I want to jump his bones.
He stands there, hands in the pockets of his jeans, with his head hanging low. He gazes at me through his thick, dark lashes, and I’m so fucked.
I’ve always compared other guys I’ve dated to Ryan. And, maybe that’s why things never worked out. No one could ever live up to the real deal.
Ryan, in all his glory, stands on my doorstep, offering his friendship, and all I want to do is jump his bones.
I’m a bad friend. I should say something.
“Fuck this,” Ryan says, slamming the door shut as he charges through it, lifting me in his strong arms.
Carrying me over to the couch, he sits with me straddling his lap. Our lips fuse together, and his tongue seeks mine. His hands trail up my neck, fingers rifling through my hair. It’s soft and gentle but holds such power in every stroke.
I break the kiss, my head spinning. “I can’t stop thinking about you. I know you said you don’t see a future between us, but I think you’re wrong.”
His thumbs glide down my cheek, running over my bottom lip. “I adore you, Elizabeth.” His mouth draws me in slowly, a deep, long kiss, scorching my insides.
I grind against him while my hands race down his chest, slipping underneath the waistband of his denim, searching for him.
He picks me up, carrying me back to my bedroom and quietly shuts the door. My feet touch the soft carpet of the floor.
“I want to own these pretty lips of yours.” His deep, raw voice sends a shockwave through my system. He pushes on my shoulder, unzipping his jeans, and I kneel before him.
My hands on his thighs, his big cock right in front of me, I take the tip deep in my mouth. His head hits the door, his eyes closing, as he moans out my name.
I use my hands to hold him steady, and take him in as deep as I can.
15
Cryin’
“Courage is endurance for one moment more.” - Unknown Marine Second Lieutenant in Vietnam
Oh fuck, she sucks my cock like a hoover. Best damn blow job I’ve ever had is Lizzy’s sweet lips sucking me off.
She’s a master at it. A pro. I don’t know which way is up or down right now.
My knees feel heavy, and all I want to do is slam my dick deep down her throat. I want to come, but I need to fuck her first.
I tug her hair, my cock slipping from her hungry mouth. She glances up at me, her big browns questioning.
“Get on the bed, beautiful.”
She does as I say, and I follow her. Our clothes come off with every step. My body aches with a powerful need only she will be able to satisfy.
It’s always been her. Even before I ever knew I wanted her. Back in school, I hated seeing her out with guys.
I always thought it was because I wanted to protect her, but now I know it was pure jealousy.
Every day while overseas I thought about her. Wondering where she was. Wondering if she thought about me. Wondering if she was happy.
I start with her foot, kissing my way up her leg. Her skin is silky smooth. Her smile widens as I get closer to her pussy.
Pushing her legs apart, I swipe my tongue along her soaked heat. My body is all kinds of on fire. I can’t take much more of her. She’s everything.
I swipe my tongue again, loving the sounds coming from her mouth. I want more. My body can’t survive this.
I continue sucking and biting as she claws at my skin. Her nails dig deep as I lick and kiss her tender flesh.
She loves this. Hell, she might even love me. And, who knows I might even love her. I’ve known her my whole life, and even in my darkest times overseas, she never left me.
Even if just to lay my eyes on her one more time.
I move my tongue up her skin, passing every sweet spot I love about her tight figure. I settle at her tits, her nipples peaking, to suck and bite. Her skin heats under my touch.
I was an idiot to think I could ever stop wanting her the way I do. When she called me tonight, I was already halfway to my truck by the time she asked me to come over. My mind was already fantasizing this exact scenario before I even stepped foot into her place.
“You can do whatever you want to me, Ryan,” she moans, and her voice eggs me on more.
My dick is like iron and steel, there’s no stopping it.
Funny thing is, I can picture a future with her. Maybe it won’t be so bad. Maybe the doctors are wrong. Maybe I can have everything the way I want it.
I flip Lizzy on top of me, so she can ride my cock. I want to watch her all night. Watch her as she sinks her pussy down on me. Never forgetting the way, she looks taking me in, her head falling back, hair cascading down to her ass.
But, it’s her tits I focus on. They bounce as she grinds.
“Ride my cock faster.”
My hands on her hips guide her. She picks up speed, and her body takes all of me. The pleasure in her face says it all.
She wants me as much as I want her.
My body builds, aiming right toward a release I won’t be able to control. I stroke her clit and she takes off. Her hands grip onto my chest, her body riding me hard and fast.
“I’m coming,” she moans as her body falls over, her lips meeting mine.
I pound off inside her, the condom catching my release.
Our bodies rise and fall in unison, climbing and tumbling together. I’ve never had sex so good in all my life. I never knew it could be like this.
After I clean up, we lie in bed, cuddled together.
“I want to be with you,” she whispers into my chest.
“I want this too, Lizzy.” And I do. More than anything.
Kissing the top of her head, I imagine a life with her. How sweet it will be.
“Are you happy with your life?” I ask her.
“I’m happier now.”
“Yeah, but you’re happy being a physical therapist?”
She pauses for a moment, her fingers tracing patterns against my chest. “Yeah, I was thinking of going to nursing school. What about you?”
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “My dad keeps asking me when I’m going to sign up for classes. I just don’t know.”
“Well, what’s holding you back?”
“I don’t want to keep anything from you,” I whisper.
She props up on her elbow. “Then don’t.”
I gaze up to the popcorn ceiling. “When I was overseas, we were invading this town. Everything was going according to plan. We were almost through when our unit went under attack.”
“Were you scared?”
“Yes and no. We were finally getting some action, and I was ready to fight. I felt like we were getting the short end of the stick. Everyone was seeing action but us. We were being sent on stupid missions, and I wanted more. The government spends a lot of money training us, and I felt like we weren’t being utilized properly.”
“I think I’d be terrified.”
“It’s different when it’s happening. Your training kicks in. You focus on your objective and get it done.”
“Oh,” she whispers.
“When we went under attack, we were far enough out of the city. Another Humvee blew a gasket. It all went to shit after that.”
“But you’re safe now.” She kisses my chest.
“Yeah, I know. But there’s more.” I pause. “I really thought I’d never come home. I thought we were all sitting ducks, and I wasn’t sure I’d survive.”
“You did survive.”
I clam up, not wanting to go deeper into anything tonight. I don’t want to worry her when even the doctors don’t know the extent of the effects of the IED explosion or how bad it is.
“I did survive.” And, I’m thankful for that. I’m thankful to hold her in my arms.
&nbs
p; She falls asleep as I listen to her breathing. Hours later, after my mind has calmed from memories of my time overseas, I close my eyes and endure a dreamless sleep.
In the morning, I awake to my phone ringing in the pocket of my jeans. Where are my jeans?
I examine the floor, spotting them near the door.
Answering, I’m met with my younger brother, Lance’s, voice on the other end.
“We need your truck and help. Can you come to Mom and Dad’s?”
“Yeah, I’m on my way,” I say as Lizzy stirs in the bed.
I hang up, tossing my phone on her white, wooden nightstand.
She opens her eyes, groggy and still half-asleep. “Morning,” she says, yawning.
“Want to come to my parent’s house with me? I’ve been summoned for my truck, so I’m sure heavy lifting is probably involved.”
She stretches her body against her soft, red sheets. “Sure, just let me get ready.”
We pull up to my parent’s house a while later and walk inside.
The place appears calm, and I wonder why I was called. My mother steps into the front room as we close the door.
“Back here. We need your help.” She keeps walking and talking as we follow. “The shipment for new surfboards came, and they delivered it here instead of at the shop.”
I scrub a hand down my face. “You want to load them up in my truck, sure.”
I grab Lizzy’s hand and kiss it in front of my mother and tell her I’ll be right back. My mother’s eyes light up. I’m sure a part of her always wanted us together.
I walk into the back room where my father and brothers are hovered over roughly thirty boards.
The sun streams in through the large open windows, casting a hot glow against each board. Lizzy and my mother hang back in the kitchen as I step further into the room.
“Looks like a mess,” I say to them, laughing. Briefly, I feel like maybe my life isn’t.
16
Lizard
One day love and friendship met.
Mrs. Wagner’s eyes went wide when Ryan kissed my hand, a fact not lost on me. We sit together at the old wooden table with white legs. A table I’ve come to know over the years of coming here. This place was my haven when my parents split up. Even before, when there was nothing but fighting, I would escape to Ryan’s house, begging for him to save me from the madness of my own life.