But asking to hang out wasn’t pushy. Surely Maggie really did want to hang out with Jena, right? That night at the bar hadn’t been “fake” intimacy, had it—the kind where you connected really well with someone and promised to see each other again but felt disconnected the next day?
Shit, what if it was? Jena didn’t think she’d be able to stand it. She really wanted Maggie in her life again. She’d made a huge mistake, not trying to find her again in college.
But the thought of putting herself out there was frightening. And underneath her concerns about Maggie was the fact that her social skills were stunted. Even if Maggie was a new friend she’d made, she’d feel nervous. This was partially why she’d never bothered to date anyone.
But it was Maggie. How could she be shy when it came to Maggie?
By the time she’d decided that maybe she would text her old friend, she realized she was five minutes late for the teleconference. She hurriedly set up the call on her computer and fixed her hair.
“Hey, there you are,” said her supervisor, Jacob. The other half of the screen had the bearded face of her coworker Alex.
“Yeah, sorry I’m late,” Jena said. “I was just finishing up something else.”
“With the way your hair looks, it’s like you were getting laid during lunch break,” said Alex, laughing.
Alex was like that, always making crude comments Jena didn’t appreciate. But she’d learned a while back to just shrug them off. Alex didn’t mean anything by them.
Jena rolled her eyes in response. “Yeah, right. It’s just windy outside.”
“Who is it? That college student? Probably thinks you’re a cougar on the prowl,” said Alex.
“Um, he’s not even into women,” said Jena, immediately regretting outing Tim.
“What? He’s a fag?”
“No, no,” said Jena hastily, cringing inwardly at the slur. “I meant, he’s probably not even into women.”
“Uh, okay,” said Alex. “I mean, with the way he talks, that makes sense…”
“Shut up, Alex,” said Jacob. “Anyway, Jena, did you read the notes I sent you?”
“Yeah,” said Jena, her heart pounding for some reason. Why had that conversation made her so nervous? Maybe because it had illustrated to her so starkly why she couldn’t come out to her coworkers. Alex had been quick to show his disapproval of Tim, and Jacob hadn’t said anything against his homophobic comment. Alex’s crudeness had crossed the line. And hadn’t Jena made excuses for him in the past, when he’d said rude things about other coworkers? Maybe it was time Jena took a leaf from Tim’s book.
After the lunchtime conversation with Tim, Jena saw her workplace and coworkers in a new light. She could take the same advice she’d given him.
But in the meantime, this was going to be an incredibly long meeting.
9
Maggie
People didn’t often knock on Maggie’s door so early in the morning. The courier deliveries and religious pamphlets usually arrived in the afternoon. And anyway, Maggie had to get to work.
She slipped her phone into her purse, grabbed her lunch bag, and opened the door to see who it was, intending to politely dismiss them just as she slipped out the door and went on her way. She was already running a few minutes late.
She wasn’t expecting to see Callie, of all people, standing on her stoop.
“Maggie,” said Callie, her voice hoarse, as if she’d been crying all night.
“What,” said Maggie, completely dumbfounded. “What are you doing here?”
“I… I made a mistake,” said Callie. “I need you back.”
Jesus Christ. This was not what Maggie needed to deal with on a Tuesday morning.
Callie’s eyes looked red, like she’d been crying as well, or maybe hitting the bowl too hard—another vice of hers (though hopefully not so early in the morning). Her dress had wrinkles in it, like she’d slept in it. But despite her bedraggled appearance, she looked sexy. Maggie couldn’t help it. This was the woman she’d been in love with for so long—or was still in love with, rather. She was gorgeous.
“Callie, I can’t take you back,” said Maggie. Even though she was jarred by this, she was resolute in what she wanted to do. There was no way she was getting back together with Callie, not after the other woman had so harshly rejected her—on the eve of their starting a new life together.
“We were so good together, though,” said Callie. “I know we can be. I made a mistake. I see what I lost now.”
“Callie, I have to go to work…” Maggie suddenly felt awkward; how was she going to get rid of Callie? She wasn’t particularly petite and she was standing right in the doorway. Maggie didn’t want to touch her in any way, but how else was she going to get out of her own house?
“Can we talk later? Please?” Callie’s voice became a whine.
“Um, sure,” said Maggie quickly. “I have to go. Bye.”
Callie faltered on the top step, and Maggie decided to just go for it. She made sure the door’s lock was turned, pushed past Callie, and stepped onto the sidewalk. The bottom lock would remain undone, but it was fine, just for today. Maggie had to get the fuck away from the scene. She was going to be really late.
“I’ll come back this evening,” said Callie, looking forlorn. Her face was contorted into the dramatic expression of a Greek mask. She was always an expressive person, but this was so exaggerated as to be almost frightening.
“Um, bye, Callie,” said Maggie, practically trotting away from her street.
She didn’t look back.
When she stepped onto the train and found a seat, she finally had the time to think about what had happened and process it. Chief among her thoughts was the fact that Callie said she’d be back, so that was what Maggie had to look forward to when returning from a long day at work.
The worst part was that a significant part of Maggie actually did want to go back to Callie. It would be so easy. Her brain, like every other human brain, craved the familiarity of a past partner. But how could Maggie take Callie back now?
The funny thing about the break up was that the very fact that they’d broken up revealed that they weren’t meant to be. Maggie knew that sometimes, couples broke up or went on hiatus and got back together to form strong relationships. This was not one of those times. In the brief period since the break up and the present, Maggie, with the help of her friends, had come up with a whole host of reasons as to why she should no longer be with Callie.
And now that she’d internalized those reasons, it was hard to go back. For one thing, Callie liked alcohol and weed a little too much. Maggie wasn’t above imbibing in either herself, when given the opportunity, but Callie was clearly using both substances to escape some kind of unresolved inner pain.
Maggie had suggested therapy when Callie had talked about her abusive parents, and she’d gone for a year. She’d said it had helped. But there were still problems, and from the outside, it looked like the dysfunctional relationships she had with both of them had relapsed into their original state.
That was when Callie started smoking more. Maggie had suggested she return to therapy, focusing on the importance of longterm work and delving deep into her problems, but maybe the concept had scared Callie, or maybe it was easier to just erase her emotions with the sensation of being drunk or high. She never did return to therapy.
And then there were the anger issues, which Maggie was sure tied in to all of this. Callie wasn’t the best at emotional regulation. The therapist had helped them communicate better, since Maggie had sat in on a couple sessions, and they’d reached a point where Maggie felt like this was a woman she could spend the rest of her life with.
But there had always been a niggling fear at the back of her mind. Was this the best she was ever going to be able to do? Sure, Callie was a catch—she was sexy, independent, and ambitious. And when they’d lived together, she’d been a great roommate, always doing her chores and helping to maintain the house. But wh
at did all that matter if she continued to be emotionally unavailable?
After that revelation, Maggie had decided she was done for good, even if her body still thought otherwise. She knew she’d be better off without Callie, despite the pain. She didn’t necessarily think she could find a better match at her age, but she also knew that the stress of dealing with Callie’s problems was a burden lifted. She also knew that those problems weren’t just going to go away. They’d come to a head sooner or later, and Maggie would be left handling the fallout.
But seeing Callie again in the flesh was confusing. Maggie had just begun sorting out her feelings about the relationship and the break up.
And then there was Jena. There was a promise of a future with Jena, one that Maggie was excited to explore. But then, was she treating Jena like a rebound, simply pouring all her emotional energy into her instead? Was that where the intensity came from? Or was it the fact that they’d actually dated in the past?
There was just too much to think about.
Unsurprisingly, today’s productivity was shot. Maggie tried her best to answer calls and speak with her coworkers, but she was completely unable to be present. Instead, she spent most of her day texting her friends in a group chat about the situation.
They unanimously said that she should send Callie away if she was indeed at her house again later, and that Maggie should even call the police if she refused to leave.
Maggie didn’t think the situation would warrant calling the police, and she was surprised her friends would even suggest that. This was Callie, after all. She wasn’t some crazy person.
Was she? She had seemed somewhat unhinged this morning.
But there wasn’t any harm in just sitting down and talking to her. There couldn’t be. Maybe Callie just had to let her feelings out and then she’d realize they were better off apart. Deep down, Maggie suspected that this was not what was going to happen, but she felt compelled to give Callie, of all people, the woman she was going to spend her life with, a chance to say her piece.
She wasn’t surprised to find Callie sitting on her stoop when she came home from work. Callie had always worked long hours, so Maggie suspected that she was taking time off. To do what, exactly, she couldn’t guess. Presumably drown her emotions with more substance abuse.
Sure enough, the sour smell of weed that had just been smoked was hanging in the air. Maggie felt irritated; the police wouldn’t care, but she didn’t want her neighbors to think she was a stoner. And she was a black woman who tried very hard to seem like an upstanding citizen. This would not help.
She sighed when Callie stood up to greet her, looking at her with half-lidded eyes.
“Come in,” Maggie said, pushing the door open.
It was weird to see Callie in this house again. The woman had lived there, after all, just a couple weeks prior. Maggie took a moment to set her things down and remove her coat, and then they sat down in the living room.
“So, you want to say your piece? Go for it.” Maggie leaned back on the couch, crossing her arms. Maybe they could just get this over with soon.
“I just… I just feel like we were so good together,” Callie said, looking down at the carpet. “We had so many dreams of the future. Like that beach house we were going to buy? The kids we were going to adopt? How can you change your mind in such a short time? Especially when it was me who broke up with you?”
Maggie sighed again. This was going to be a slog.
“I realized a lot in the past week,” Maggie said. “The right person for me is not someone who’s going to end the relationship because of cold feet. When you get engaged, you fucking get engaged. You can’t pull that broken engagement shit on me. I need a woman who can commit. Who’s to say you won’t pull this again?”
“I needed some time,” said Callie, shaking her head. “I needed to be sure.”
“And you needed to fuck someone else to decide that?”
Callie looked up, confused. “I didn’t cheat. I’m not a cheater.”
Maggie grit her teeth. “No, but sleeping with someone the day after we broke up is pretty fucking shady, isn’t it? And not just a random person, but a friend of yours. It’s like you had her lined up.”
“Nah,” said Callie. “That’s not how it was. I was heartbroken and she and I went out and got drunk and—”
“And what? If you wanted me back, you wouldn’t have fucked someone the next day. Give me a break.” Maggie pulled her arms even tighter across her chest, disliking the feeling of this negative energy pervading her home. Callie looked all too comfortable on that couch. But it did feel good to let some of the anger out. There was no way Maggie was taking Callie back.
“Ugh, what do I need to do to show you how sorry I am?” asked Callie.
To Maggie’s horror, Callie’s eyes were glossy with unshed tears. “There’s nothing,” she said, softer this time. “There’s nothing you can do, Callie. Go see if you and Jess will work. It’s not gonna work with me.”
Callie looked down again and pulled her sleeve up to wipe her eyes surreptitiously. Maggie looked away.
“Nothing?” asked Callie finally.
Maggie just shook her head. “I think it’s time for you to go.”
“I didn’t… I didn’t even say everything I feel.”
“There’s nothing you can say to make me change my mind,” said Maggie. “Maybe you should see Dr. Crown again.”
Callie scowled, the only evidence she’d shown all day of an emotion other than total despondency. “She doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She always wants to talk about my childhood.”
Well, obviously. It was clear most of Callie’s issues stemmed from that period in her life—the same as it was for a lot of people.
“I can’t help you, but maybe she can,” said Maggie. She stood up, hating the potential confrontation of getting Callie out of the house, but needing to do it so she could relax already.
“You’re gonna regret this,” said Callie, following her cue and standing up as well. “You’re gonna realize one day you let a good thing go.”
“I think you did that first, Callie,” said Maggie.
Callie stepped toward the door, taking a moment to look around the house as if it was her last time—which it would be. “I’m gonna miss this place, all the memories we made… Can I get a hug, at least?”
Maggie shuddered with two opposing reactions. She didn’t want to touch this version of Callie, who seemed unstable, but on the other hand, the woman was good-looking and the memory of what her body felt like pressed up against Maggie’s was tempting.
“No, Callie,” she said. Maggie did not want to find out what would happen if she actually hugged Callie.
Callie just shook her head as she opened the door and stepped outside. “You’re cold, damn. You’ve become cold.”
Maggie disagreed. “I’m doing what’s best for myself. Take care, Callie.”
And with that she closed the door, not waiting for Callie to have the last word. As soon as she did so, she grabbed her phone and went up the stairs to her bedroom, desperate to feel warm and safe.
She texted her friends, giving them a brief summary of what had happened and promising them that she wasn’t going to try to see Callie again. She was glad Callie hadn’t put up much of a fight. If she’d been drunk and irritable, instead of high and docile, maybe Maggie would have had to call the police.
But now, she just felt an odd impulse to text Jena. She observed it for a moment, wondering if it was simply a reaction to what she’d just experienced. But then, she was due to see Jena again soon, anyway. It was about time they hung out; even if things were confusing, Jena’s time in Philadelphia was ticking away.
She decided to do it. “Hey, you free Friday?” she asked, clicking send before she could change her mind.
Then she put her phone on silent and placed it facedown on her bedside table, pulling her covers up over herself. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
&nbs
p; She was going to have to take life one hour at a time, it seemed.
10
Jena
Jena watched as Maggie approached. Her hands were in her pockets—Jesus, did the north get fucking cold—but when Maggie approached, Jena held her arms out for a hug.
And when Maggie returned the hug, she felt good. Nourished. Like she’d been waiting all day to change into pajamas and plop into bed and now she was doing it.
It was still really cold out, though.
“How’ve you been?” asked Jena with a smile.
Maggie’s pleasant expression faltered. “Um, fine,” she said. “My ex is uh, being weird.”
“You wanna talk about it?”
“I’m not sure I want to start this date off on that foot,” said Maggie. “Maybe later.”
“Sure,” said Jena, though she was intensely curious. The mention of Maggie’s ex made her a little nervous, even though it didn’t seem like Maggie had any interest in her. And of course, Maggie was here with Jena now.
“So, I figured we could go to this pop-up beer garden thing they do in the winter,” said Maggie. “They do it in the summer, too, but the winter version has heat lamps and serves spiked hot chocolate and cider and it’s just kind of awesome.”
“Sounds good to me,” said Jena, eager to go anywhere with Maggie. She could have suggested the lamest dive bar or most bougie cocktail joint in the city and Jena knew they’d have a grand time together. They always did.
“I don’t know how you put up with this cold,” said Jena. “It’s ridiculous. I mean, how are there even people outside?”
Maggie shrugged. “You just have to keep living your life, I guess. People go out less, but they still go out. No one wants to get cabin fever.”
When they arrived at the beer garden, it was hopping with activity, probably due to the abundant heat lamps and hot drinks. Jena bought them both ciders spiked with cinnamon schnapps. She held hers under her nose, enjoying the warmth on her hands and the aroma. Maggie looked similarly cozy, and Jena felt the sudden urge to press herself closer to her.
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