by Deena Bright
“I’ve got to tell you, you’re pissing me off. You’re trying to piss me off, so I’ll walk away and not look back. But it’s not going to work. How many times do I have to tell you this? I am not going anywhere,” I confirm, grabbing her and kissing her.
She’s caught off guard and a moment of weakness overtakes her as she returns my desperate hunger with her own. We grasp and reach for each other until she pounds on my chest in anger and hurt.
“No stop!” she yells, pushing me away. “I want you to go. Please!” Char turns her back and walks into her bathroom, slamming the door behind her. “Now Jasper!”
Walking over to the door, I tap on it lightly. “Jasper just go,” she says, quietly.
“Char, I’m going to leave, because you asked me to,” I yell to a cold, closed door. “But just know, I’m not walking away. I’m right here. I’ll wait, I’ll wait for as long as you need me to… because this… what we have here… is the real thing. So, I’m going to wait until you see it too.” She doesn’t get it. She has no idea that I’d wait the Godot right out of this if I have to. When there’s no answer, I add, “And Char… I’m not going to freak out, punch walls, get drunk and screw other women. I’m just going to wait—wait for the best thing that’s ever happened to me to come to her senses.”
“WHY ARE WE having lunch? We never have lunch,” I say, sitting down in the seat across from Jocelyn.
“Can’t two friends have a nice lunch?” she asks, feigning innocence.
“Did he send you?” I ask, flipping through the menu.
“Doesn’t even know I’m here,” she admits.
“You’re not changing my mind. It’s better this way,” I say, before ordering a margarita. “I drink my lunches. You’re okay with that, right?”
“I didn’t ask you to meet me to change your mind. Since it’s been nearly a month since you two have seen each other, I’m pretty certain your mind is made up,” she says. The words cut through me, finalizing the events of what I’ve done.
“Good, because I’m not,” I confirm, wondering why she’s okay with it—wondering if he’s okay with it too.
“Good, glad we got that cleared up,” she says, smirking and rolling her eyes. “Anyway, Rick and I are having a little get-together for Janelle and Leo. Ya know, to celebrate Nelle’s removal of her head from her ass. It’s going to be pretty low key since Leo’s heading back to Arizona next week,” she explains.
“How’s he holding up?” I ask, feeling terribly for all that he’s gone through lately.
“As good as can be expected,” she says. “I think moving into his new house and having Janelle around has eased some of his pain. But, once he gets back to Arizona—”
“God, I can’t even imagine. Those poor kids… at least Leo’s going to be there for them. Jesus what a nightmare,” I say sighing and shaking my head.
“It’s crazy really. Think about it. Even with all the pain he’s gone through… is going through, he still has so much courage to open his heart and love Janelle like he does,” Joz says, dreamily. “He’s amazing, really. It’s admirable that he can just love like that without that fear of pain that always comes with loving someone too much.”
“Oh fucking Christ, how long does it take to blend some fucking tequila?” I ask, looking for the server.
“I mean, here he is, just torn apart by the death of his sister… and yet… yet… he’s still doing all he can to make sure he finds happiness and true love, too. It’s remarkable really,” Jocelyn grins dreamily. “If only everyone could be so courageous.”
“Where the fuck is my margarita,” I scream, slamming my hand down on the table. “Are you done?” I ask, turning to Jocelyn. “Is that why I’m here? To hear about how brave Leo is and how much of a coward I am?”
“You? I wasn’t saying anything about you,” Joz states, innocently.
“Your fake innocence makes me want to hurl and cunt punt you over that booth,” I threaten.
“Sometimes that queasiness, that feeling like you’re going to puke is brought on by regret and loss,” she adds, grinning. “Speaking of puking, you seem a bit green and pale… and skinnier than normal. Have you been eating? Ya know, sometimes when people do really stupid things—”
“Enough! I don’t want to talk about this. It’s over. It’s done. There’s nothing more to say,” I groan, grabbing my drink out of the slow-ass server’s hand.
“Fine! Fine, I won’t say any more,” she relents, “except, he looks as bad as you.”
“Jocelyn!”
“Okay, just let me say one more thing, please.” She doesn’t wait for me to say no or to agree, she just keeps talking. “In all my 34 years, I have never once seen my little brother happier than when you two were together
Continuing, she adds, “And since I’ve known you, I’ve never seen you more grounded and secure. There was a light in your eyes that I’d never seen you have before… and it’s gone again.” Taking a drink of cranberry juice, she pauses and then says, “Char, letting someone in is scary—not just for you—but for everyone. Remember the first time you jumped into a swimming pool or rode a roller coaster? Wasn’t it terrifying? But remember the thrill of it, the exhilaration of the ride or the splash? Remember the feeling of pure bliss and satisfaction after, knowing you conquered your fears. That’s falling in love, being in love, and saying in love—all rolled in to one big thrill. Scary as Hell but worth it as fuck.”
“Worth it as fuck?”
“That’s what I said, ‘worth it as fuck.’ Trust me, I know.”
“I’M GLAD YOU came,” Rick says, taking the bottle of wine and cheese tray from my hands. “They’re all in the great room.”
Walking through the foyer into the great room, I’m nervous as shit to see Jasper. I haven’t seen him once since I made him leave my house that night after his cookout. The first week or so, he called me to see if we could go to dinner or talk, but I refused each time. Since then, I haven’t gotten any phone calls or heard his voice. Each morning, he sends me a “Good morning, beautiful” text. Every night, he sends another text: “Sleep well, beautiful.” I’ve never responded to any of them. Yet, they keep coming, every day and every night, without fail. He’s a relentless son-of-a-bitch.
Or just reliable.
Or maybe just in love.
When I walk into the room, my phone dings, alerting me to an incoming text message.
JASPER: You are so beautiful.
My face blushes as I try to hide my smile. What woman doesn’t love compliments?
Jasper gets up and walks to the kitchen, continuing to text on his phone, ignoring everyone around him—including me. As Rick and Jocelyn finish preparing the dinner, Janelle recounts the story of how she told Leo she wanted to be with him. I half-heartedly listen, as I’ve heard it before and wonder why she’s telling me again. Sometimes, she really just likes to listen to herself talk. She’s a talker.
What I’m really focused on is who in the Hell Jasper is digit-fucking for so long. Then all at once, my phone starts blowing up with text messages:
JASPER: God, I missed you.
JASPER: Your scent is no longer on your pillow.
JASPER: Your hair is lighter.
JASPER: I bought a puppy. Still have to wait two weeks to go get him.
JASPER: Celia started dating some guy from Match.com. I don’t want to be 55 and dating.
JASPER: I hate that your voice is not the first thing I hear when I wake up and the last thing I hear when I go to bed.
JASPER: I’m still waiting. Will wait forever.
Just as I’m re-reading the messages for about the tenth time, Joz calls us all into the dining room for dinner. Rick thanks us all for coming and gives a small toast to Leo and Janelle, the happy couple.
Standing, I announce, “I’d like to make a toast, if I could.”
“Shit, I hope it’s not like the one you gave at my wedding,” Janelle jokes.
“It’s the same one, I was just go
ing to switch out the names,” I quip, winking at them. There is no way in Hell Janelle chose badly this time. This time, Janelle chose forever.
“Sometimes, I just put in a copy of your wedding video just to watch that toast and laugh my ass off,” Rick says, shaking his head.
“Actually, I do too,” Jasper says, staring at me. “I watch that video a lot.”
“Alright, hello? Can we stop talking about my wedding?” Janelle grits through her teeth.
“Hey dumbass, you brought it up,” Joz says, cracking everyone up.
“True, you got me. My bad,” Janelle admits, as Leo leans over and whispers into her ear. Nelle’s smile lights up her entire face. She’s the walking poster child for true love. Glancing at Joz, I notice she still has the same goofy look on her face when she’s talking to Rick—even after all of these years.
“Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted,” I say, feigning annoyance. “I just want to say how happy I am for you two. Janelle, I have always loved you and admired you, but this past month, you have shown me how truly incredible you really are. You didn’t let the hurt you endured deter you from what you really wanted. You faced your fears and went after it. Most people don’t do that. They’re too afraid… and because you did, your dreams are coming true. I am so proud of you and completely in awe of you. Leo, you are an incredible man, and I have never met anyone more worthy and deserving of my best friend. I am happy for both of you and so excited for you.”
Standing, Janelle says, “Char, that was—”
“Wait, I’m not done. Just let me get this out. Because of you and how much you have inspired me, I want to do the same and face my fears,” I say, taking a deep breath. Glancing over at Joz, she smiles broadly and nods slightly, encouraging me to go on.
“For my entire life, I believed I wasn’t good enough, good enough for anything. I thought that because my own parents didn’t want me that nobody else would ever want me either and that I wasn’t worthy of someone’s love,” I say, taking a deep breath. “Until very recently I wasn’t sure what love was or even if I was capable of loving someone… but I was wrong… so wrong.”
“Holy shit, are you dating someone?” Nelle asks in disbelief.
“Shut up,” Joz grits through her teeth, kicking Janelle under the table.
Walking around the table and stopping in front of Jasper, I continue, “I fell in love, so far in love that I don’t think I’ll ever resurface—nor do I want to. “Jasper, I’m so sorry that I turned into someone I loathe—one of those crazy ass freak-jobs who doesn’t know her head from her ass. But Jasper, I get it now. You are everything… you made me feel again. You taught me how good it feels to love and how incredible it is to be loved.”
Jasper turns in his chair, facing me. “Jasper, I’m done running. I’m staying, standing still—with you.”
“Is this some kind of prank?” Janelle asks, diverting my attention and giving me a moment to breathe.
“Shhh,” Joz scolds.
Feeling the butterflies in my stomach, I swallow hard, needing to finish what I came to do. Kneeling down, I take Jasper’s hand in mine. Joz’s gasp is so loud all heads turn toward her.
Looking back at Jasper, his eyes are locked with mine. I continue, “You’re right. You were right all along. I was just too dumb to see it. There is nobody else in this world for me. You’re it. You’re everything I’ve ever hoped for—everything I’ve ever wanted. From the first moment I met you, I knew. Jasper Garrity, I don’t want to spend one more day without you. I refuse to spend one more day without you. Will… will… will you marry me?”
“Holy fucking shit! No fucking way!” Janelle says, her jaw dropping.
“I thought you’d never ask,” Jasper says, pulling me to my feet and wrapping me in his arms. Jasper kisses me passionately in front of everyone.
His entire family.
Our family.
“This is a joke. This has got to be a joke. This can’t be real. Can it?” Janelle continues to repeat, looking around the room for affirmation.
Pulling back, Jasper looks at me, grinning. “Truly, I never thought you’d ask,” Jasper says, reaching into his shorts. “I hate when you steal my thunder.”
Kneeling, he says, “Charlene Palmer, I’ll do you one better and give you the ring. This is the ring I’ve been carrying around with me since March when I knew that the only woman I’d ever want to spend the rest of my life with stole my heart nine years ago. So yes, I’ll marry you. I’ll marry you right now. I would’ve married you years ago.” Slipping the ring on my finger, he says, “Imagine that, it fits.”
“I DON’T KNOW why we had to come all the way to this park,” Char complains, getting Brutus out of the car. “We’ve got the whole trail by our neighborhood down to an effing science now. Brutus knows where we’re stopping, when we’re getting drinks and where to take a leak.”
“Just because you say ‘effing’ now, doesn’t really make it any better,” I say, watching her bend over and hook the leash on the dog.
“Fine! Fuck off then,” she says, rubbing Brutus’ head. “Oww fuck.”
“I told you, I’m going to smack that ass every time I hear you swear.”
“Fuck fuck fuck, you know I like it rough,” she jokes, kissing me.
Walking over the hill toward the blanket and basket, I say, “This is it.”
“Jasper, you set all this up? A picnic for us?” she squeals, hugging me.
“Actually, no, I didn’t,” I admit, hugging her. “Char, I love you. I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure every one of your dreams come true. If you dream it, then it’s my job to make it happen.”
“God Jasper, I’m so lucky. I love you, too,” she replies. “But if you didn’t do it, who did?”
“I did,” a voice from behind her says.
Char turns and looks at him, then at me, confused. Nodding, I say, “Char, I’d like you to meet Ross Palmer… your father.”
“What? What’re you even talking about?” she asks, looking between the two of us. “No, I’m not going to… I can’t…”
“Char stop!” I say, holding her trembling hand in mine. “Listen, I’ve been talking to Ross for a few months now, really getting to know him and his family. His story checks out… I think you need to hear it.”
“Charlene, I’m so sorry,” Ross says, his eyes filling with tears. “You look just like her… same eyes… I didn’t know Charlene. I had no idea.” Ross sobs into his hands, his shoulders shaking. “Tabitha and her mother told me that she lost the baby… we were in a car accident… they said she miscarried.”
“What? What accident?” Char says, her eyes full of fear and emotion.
“Your mother and I met in rehab. We knew the rules, but I… I couldn’t stay away. She was just so… so… bewitching,” Ross admits, smiling. “God, she was beautiful. We started dating—even though we weren’t supposed to. Hell, I loved her—would’ve given up everything for her.”
“Char, they were going to get married,” I say, running my hand along Char’s back. “They were in love.”
“Love? You guys… loved each other?” she asks, incredulously.
“God, so much,” he explains. “We were so excited when we found out we were having a baby… and… and… then one night… damn it,” he says, his tears spilling over. “We were out with friends… she’d gone into the bathroom and… that son-of-bitch… he knew she was six months pregnant.”
“What? What happened?”
“Her old dealer had given her heroin… she shot up…” he says, his face contorting in pain. “We fought… God, did we fight. She was jeopardizing my baby’s life… I was so pissed and hurt that she’d do that to me… to us… to you. We’d worked so hard to get clean… and start over.”
Char scoops up Brutus, holding the puppy up to her neck. “Okay, so then what?” she asks, skeptically. I’ve seen this look, this reaction. She’s trying to pretend that none of this matters to her. I know otherwise
.
“On the drive home… I forced her to leave the party… she didn’t want to… we were fighting so bad that I didn’t see the guardrail. I hit it and flipped the car… I thought we were both okay… until… until… God, I’m so sorry.”
“She told you she miscarried?” Char asks, understanding.
“Said the impact of the accident and the drugs ripped the placenta or something like that,” Ross sobs, wiping his eyes and taking a deep breath. “If I would’ve known… I blamed her… I blamed myself… I never… ever… would’ve left.”
“So, you really weren’t there when I was born?” Char questions, trying to believe him. “You didn’t take one look at me and… and… leave?”
“Oh God, I’d never do that. Charlene, I’ve blamed myself for what happened for years… when this man… Jasper… found me, he told me all about you. I couldn’t believe it. It’s like I’m finally being rewarded for all these years of staying sober. I’ve never once gone back to… to… that messed up man I once was. When I found out Tabby was pregnant, I vowed to be the best husband and father I could, but I was never given the chance… I blamed myself.”
“I can’t… believe this,” Char says, staring at both of us in disbelief, and putting Brutus back down.
“I’ve met with him many times now, Char, and his story is always the same,” I explain, tucking a stray strand of her hair back behind her ear. “Char, I think you owe it to yourself to get to know him… talk to him… have lunch. Brutus and I will be just over there a ways to give you two some time to catch up.”
“Wait Jasper,” Char says, grabbing my hand and turning me to face her.
“What baby?”
“You… you did this for me,” Char says, staring at me in awe. “You gave me… my family back.” She wraps her arms around me, squeezing me and holding onto me harder than she ever has before. Hearing the small sob escape from her lips, I pull back, looking into her eyes. And there it is, a tiny tear falls down her cheek, followed by a stream of small droplets.