by Tara Brown
Instead, I press out of the message app. I dial his number quickly and hang up after the first ring. I pass her back the phone.
“No answer?”
I shake my head. I see her the way Mona does suddenly. Why would she text him? Him… the one person I love. Me, just me.
“What now?”
I swallow my hatred and anger, “You go on inside. I’m going to take a stroll and see if I can’t stir up some dust.”
She opens her mouth, but I shake my head before she can argue, “Trust me. Go back and keep Stella company. She is going to need it when she finds out her brother is in the garden.”
She smiles, but I can see the pain in her eyes. She knows I don’t trust her. “She knows already, Rayne. She knew he would never get out. She cried the first day you were gone, but she told me on the second day that she knew he was never coming back.”
I turn away from her and walk out into the garden. The cold wind is intense, but I think I’m dying inside so it doesn’t matter. I walk out to the cliffs, like I am Catherine Earnshaw on the moors. There is something especially tragic about cliffs in England. I don’t know what it is, but I feel like I will never escape the feelings bogging me down.
I slump down onto the mossy cliff and look up. “Please help me. I don’t know what to do. None of this is real. I don’t even know if you are real, or if I am in one sick version of Alice in Wonderland or a coma in a hospital.” The wind gets a bit stronger, and like a desperate psycho, I take that as a sign. I smile into the wind, “Just tell me what to do. Please.”
The wind dies down, and I see that like the people Willow told me about, the ones who will always look for God when they are desperate, I too have seen a sign that is not there.
My smile fades, as if the wind washed it away.
I think I am supposed to feel the hands of God on me, holding me, carrying me the way he is supposed to when times get hard. But I have never felt more alone.
The Pale Horse
“When the Lamb opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth living creature say, "Come and see!" I looked and there before me was a pale horse! Its rider was named Death, and Hell was following close behind him. They were given power over a fourth of the earth to kill by sword, famine, and plague, and by the wild beasts of the earth.”
Revelations
One
“How the hell could you do that to me?”
I open my eyes, smiling when I see him. He doesn’t look as happy to see me. Is it a dream? Do I ask that every time I dream?
Seeing Wyatt looking like he might strangle me, dripping on the carpet in the room and feeling nothing in my chest, makes me think it isn’t a dream. I can smell the salt water on him.
His eyes are red and burning. “Why would you leave me there?”
I scowl, “Are you really here?”
His nostrils flare and I leap off of the bed. I whisper into his chest, “You’re here?” I tackle him into the wall. He doesn’t move. I grab him, climbing his body. My mouth is on his; he tastes like the sea.
My legs are wrapped around him, holding him tight to me, before he has a chance to run away. I drag his soaked shirt from his body, tossing it to the floor.
“Not now, Rayne. I need a shower.” He walks, holding me in the air and carries me to the bathroom. His face seems wooden when I press my lips against his cool lips; mine are desperate and angry. He pulls back but I tear my shirt from my body as he holds me in the air. He is not responding the way I’d hoped. He’s pissed. He puts me down and steps back but I step to him. I start to laugh nervously against his face as I plant kisses on his cheeks, but he growls.
“I got mad, I’m sorry.” I pull back, there is fierceness in his face still. I run my hands down his cheeks, “I love you.”
He shakes his head, “You left me behind.”
I want to say that I didn’t, but I did.
His eyes burn down on me, “You keep leaving me. You are just never going to trust me, are you? I’ve backed way off on the controlling thing. I actively work at not bossing you around and dragging you all over. I let you call the shots, all of them. I let you bring me here, in some fucking stupid attempt at being with you and helping you with this.”
“You were texting Michelle? Why?”
His eyes narrow, “She texted me and I didn’t think it was a big deal. She’s your friend. I can’t believe you went through her phone.”
I can’t touch on any of it. I can’t. I’m guilty as hell of it. My face is red from the guilt of reading their texts, even if they were totally innocent. I shake my head to rattle my thoughts a bit. “How did you get here?”
He looks exasperated. He shoves me back a bit and turns the shower on. I can see more tattoos on his back. I scowl but he turns around, “I don’t know. Suddenly, I was in Boston. I was standing outside of some shitty old building; everything is burned out and ruined. Some guys chased me in a cop car, shooting at me. I ran for the sea and dove in. Nearly froze my balls off and begged the nixie to bring me back to you. They didn’t want to—some bullshit covenant that you don’t touch a claimed man.” His eyes are burning with rage, “But don’t worry, I let them know that was not the case. I had to prove it, but it worked. The nixie brought me back.”
“Is Willow pissed?”
He nods, “Yeah, Rayne. She can’t understand why you would be so hateful to her and Fitz and me. I explained that to her though, don’t worry about that.”
I can see myself in his eyes, in the hatred. It makes me hate myself.
He steps back again, “I can’t do this. I’ll shower in a different room.” He turns and leaves me there with his salt kiss still on my lips, in only my bra.
Stella comes running into the room, “Rayne, we have a major issue.”
I look at her, “Can it wait or is it major? ‘Cause I think my heart just fell into my stomach.”
She sticks her glossy red lip out, “I’m sorry, it can’t. Your father contacted Michelle. Constantine has been tracking her messages and she has a single one from Lucifer. She told him she thinks it’s him. It’s the same number as before when he was contacting her to betray you.”
“It’s so weird he uses a cell phone.”
“I know, that’s weird. Anyway, the last horseman is here, the pale rider. We have to find Lucifer, before he finds us. We think he used the message to her on her phone to track us down to the castle. Gretel has found the horsemen again, since they lost them the last time. She says that if you don’t end Lucifer before the last horseman does his ride, you cannot kill Lucifer. Whoever kills the horseman has the power.”
I sigh, letting my face fall into my hands, “Why does this have to be so hard? I seriously got excited when the devils were so easily killed.”
“Yeah well, apparently they were only the appetizers. You have to go get Constantine back.”
I nod, “I know.”
She takes my arms in her hands, “You have to dig around in there and find the girl I once knew. The one who didn’t let anyone tell her what she had to do.”
I look into her mesmerizing blue eyes, “I am so sorry about him getting stuck there.”
She shrugs, “It’s probably not a bad place for him to be.”
I wince, dreading the words I am about to say, but I have to. “I pulled the dagger from his chest.”
She looks stunned. Her face starts to turn red, but she doesn’t open her mouth. She points at me, pausing and pressing her lips together. I back up slowly. She shakes her head, closes her eyes and pounds her fist against her forehead. I turn and run for it.
“ELLIE!”
I don’t wait for her to catch up. I leap out a window, smashing the glass, diving out into the air. My wings burst from my back but she has my foot. I fly into the air with her climbing me like a tree, dragging her claws into me.
“His humanity, he traded his humanity for your freedom?”
I lower us to the ground. She shoves me down, “YOU FIX THIS!”
She snarls, there is a flash of white, and she’s gone. I look up and Wyatt has her pinned to the ground. He snarls almost the same way she does.
She swings at him but he catches her arm and punches her. I wince, jumping up. “Don’t hit her.”
She hits me from behind when I get between them. He lashes at her again.
Somehow between the chaos of it all, I end up behind him with his arms around me. “She is MINE!”
Stella steps back at the noise he makes. She looks past him, “He has loved you, only you, for hundreds of years. I told him you weren’t ever worth that kind of devotion, but he never believed me.” She nods, almost bowing, “Thank you for proving me right.”
She turns and she’s gone.
I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. My exhaustion is at a new level.
Wyatt turns to face me, “You okay?”
I shake my head, “I’m messing this all up. All of it. I’m the biggest mistake God ever made.”
He laughs, “Let’s go get you someone to eat.”
I pull back, almost dizzy with hunger, “I have to go to the garden and free them. I can’t eat first, it makes you sick. I can’t risk the garden not letting me in if I do something bad.”
He steps back from me, “Take me with you. I’ll keep you safe.”
I can see he isn’t over the conversation in the room; he’s going to be pissed for a while. I nod, “If the garden will let you in.”
I hold him and fly. It isn’t easy and I’m starving. When we get to the small stream, I stop mid-flight. “Look!” The gate is open and completely visible. I land us both on the bank of the stream. He walks towards it, “Is this it?”
I nod, scared.
He looks back at me, “What’s the deal with finding it, if it’s right here? Doesn’t seem so secret.”
I shake my head but hear the dead, whisper. It changes everything that they are the voices of my past. Not just the thoughts of the girls I once was, but the whispers of the actual people I was.
None of us like what we see. “Maybe we shouldn’t go in there.”
Wyatt laughs, “You really are the biggest chicken shit some times.” My eyes narrow, “You really are the biggest jerk, all the time.”
He nods, “I know.”
He holds his hand out for me to take. I do it, even if he’s annoying me. He’s still the strongest thing I know. And his hand makes me feel safe and warm. We enter the gate, no issue. That’s not right.
The field inside of the gates whispers, maybe announcing our arrival. I don’t feel the sense of sanctuary I did the first time. I don’t feel anything again. Great…
We enter the forest, and I pull him to the right, off of the path. He shakes his head, “Wait here. I’ll be right back.”
I grab him, “No. We stay together.”
“No. I think I saw something. Wait here. I’ll just be a second.”
I try to argue but he just walks off. He disappears into the forest.
I sit on a log and wait for him. I don’t understand why he wanted to leave. I don’t understand why I feel such a terrible feeling here. It’s different than last time.
The ground in front of me crunches. I brace myself but it’s Wyatt. He puts a finger to his lips, “Something is wrong here.” He offers me his hand again. I take it, jolting almost. I haven’t felt that since we handfasted. He lets me lead, but he never takes his hand from mine.
Something is off, way off. I can feel it in the silence. The small village is motionless. Not a single person moves along the streets or buildings. We enter the palace from the back, like before. You could hear a pin drop and my skin is crawling.
We get up the stairs to the middle floor, and I see something in the corner of my eye. I turn to see a daisy float by. My stomach drops. I look back at Wyatt, but he doesn’t seem to notice the flower, or care. When we get around the corner to the next set of stairs, I gag. Daisies are everywhere. They float by, filling the air with a sweet scent.
“Oh God.”
Wyatt looks distant, “There is no way this place is this empty.”
I swallow hard, “It’s not.”
He frowns, “Can you see people?” He looks like he doesn’t trust me. I look past him to the archway where the man with the white eyes is standing. He shakes his head, “Don’t come this way, child. Take the back stairs and run from here. Save yourself.”
I cast a slight glimpse at Wyatt. He doesn’t see the man. Only I can. I walk to him. He shakes his head, “You bring much trouble to my people.”
I nod, looking down, “I’m sorry,” I whisper.
He looks at Wyatt, “I see you have chosen your side, sin eater.”
I look back at Wyatt. It’s true. I have chosen his side. I pulled the dagger from Constantine, choosing. Even if I didn’t know it at the time, I get it now.
“You betrayed us.”
I look at the man, “I didn’t.”
Wyatt looks at me, “You say something?”
I open my mouth, but the man shakes his head, “Do not tell him I am here. His evil has done enough to this place. Get your friends and go. They are in the throne room.”
I look back at Wyatt, “Wait here. I have to run up the stairs and grab them.”
“No. I’m coming with you.”
“You can’t. You have to stay here; they’re angry I brought you here.”
His eyes flash, “What did they say?”
“Nothing, just that they didn’t want you here.”
He lashes at me, grabbing my hand harshly and shaking me, “WHAT DID THEY SAY?”
I shove him back, “STOP IT! I HATE THAT! YOU KNOW I DO!”
His jaw is set. I’m going to kick the shit out of him if he touches me, if I can. I will die stopping him. He’s never going to get past his anger issues or the way he treats things like me.
My heart hurts. I’ve made the wrong choice, and the dead fill the air with their version of ‘I told you so.’
Constantine never would have treated me that way. How did I repay him for that loyalty and love? I broke his heart, and he has killed all of the fae for it. I turn and walk through a tumbleweed of daisies.
The stairs are littered with them.
Millions of daisies.
They all died here, in the throne room. When I get up to the top of the stairs, I make a noise. I don’t shed the tears filling my eyes. I don’t deserve to cry. I broke him and left him here.
He sits in the corner, looking out the window or staring at the corner, punishing himself.
Mona is alone in the room, kneeling over a pile of daisies. Her hands are filled with the flowers I assume were the beautiful man. She looks magnificent, dressed in a long white gown. She lifts her face when she hears my footsteps. The look she gives me confirms my fears.
I have killed them all and she will hate me forever. Her voice is soft, “You ever have that feeling when you meet someone, where you just know?”
I can’t stop the tears.
She shakes her head slowly, “I know it’s ridiculous. I’m not better than a Mary Sue in every YA romance novel this side of the Pecos River. But I knew it. I knew, the minute I saw him.”
I look down, sniffling and wishing it had been me. Why isn’t it ever me? Why does everyone else suffer?
She looks down at the flowers again, “I don’t want an apology from you. I don’t want anything from you.”
Pressing my lips together, I walk past her to him. He doesn’t move.
I drop to my knees behind him, heaving. I reach out for his shoulder, but when I touch him, the shape of him is lost. He crumbles, slowly into a pile of ash. I sob silently.
“DON’T YOU TOUCH HIM!” Mona screams. I’m flung to the side.
She stands over me, “DON’T YOU EVER TOUCH ANY OF THEM!” She starts swooshing the flowers to a pile separate of the ash. She uses her fingers and puts the ash into a small pile. She pulls her sleeve of her dres
s off and collects it in there. She looks distraught and obsessed.
Her hands shake, and as her tears mix with the ash, they make black stains on her. She tries to wipe it off but can’t. She cries harder, putting her hands to her face. “How could you? How could you do it?”
I look down, “I’m so sorry.”
“DON’T YOU APOLOGIZE TO ME! EVER! YOU NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN!”
“What happened?” Wyatt’s voice is like salt on the wound in the room, where choosing him unleashed death on everyone. I didn’t even realize what I had done.
Mona looks up, screaming at Wyatt. She screams and cowers. He gives me a look, “She’s gone mad.”
Mona cradles the flowers and the sleeve of ash. She gives me a pleading look. I don’t understand what’s happening.
The palace starts to shake. Wyatt walks to Mona, “Give me the ash.”
She screams again, shaking. I jump up, standing between them. “What are you doing? Did you do this? Is this where you went when you left me in the woods?”
He gives me a look. It’s smug, but it’s not his normal one. He starts to laugh.
I feel sick, “You murdered them all? You murdered him?”
He laughs harder.
Mona cries. I start to shake, I can’t stop it. My hands shoot up, making a hellfire circle around Mona and me.
I can see his flickering eyes in the firelight. He stops laughing, “You really are a weak little chicken shit.”
I drop to my knees, “Kill him for me, please.”
The dead scream for me, but they don’t move against him. Black wings rip from his back, and he turns and runs for the window.
I drop into child’s pose, feeling the cold floor against my cheeks. My eyes are burning from the heat. I almost hope the flames reach me. I almost wish they’d burn me up. But I don’t. I would never get my revenge against him.
Mona sees the look on my face, “You didn’t know?”
I cry into the floor, “I didn’t know.” She starts to cry again. I smile, “I know that feeling you had. I had that once too, but I’m a fucking idiot who can’t get anything right. Not even the one simple thing I’m supposed to do.”