by Tiffani Lynn
“Not a big talker, but Leslie is happy and I don’t want her to lose that.”
“Why didn’t you marry her?”
“Me? We talked about this. Because I would have been Stu’s replacement, his surrogate. They never would have loved me like that for just being me. This way I get their love and I fulfill my promise to Stu. It wasn’t in the cards for me, but you’re a good fit.”
“Thanks.”
I climb out of the car and stride to the door as Skylar comes screaming out of the house, “They found him!”
“I know, baby. I’m going to take your mama and we’re going to go get him. Can you stay with Joe while we’re gone?”
“If you take me for ice cream when you come home.”
Another born manipulator using those damn adorable missing front teeth as part of the ploy to get what she wants. “Yeah, I’ll take you for ice cream, but it will have to wait until tomorrow. Now take care of Joe for me while we’re gone, okay?”
“Okay, Uncle Dex.” She places a sloppy wet kiss on my cheek and a tearful Leslie steps out the door.
I set Skylar down and wrap my arms around Leslie. “Let’s go get your boy. Sky’s gonna stay with Joe.”
She nods and leaves my arms for his. He holds her while she cries and I leave them to talk while I drop my stuff in the guest room and go to the bathroom. When I come out, she’s waiting with the keys in her hand.
The next evening, I get a call from Quinn. “Everything is okay, but I wanted you to know that Marina’s staying with us.”
“She wasn’t sleeping well? Dee couldn’t help?”
“No, not exactly.” Something in her voice tells me I’m not going to like this.
“Someone tried to snatch Marina out of the parking lot at the bar tonight. One of the bikers was having sex in the parking lot when it happened and he saved her. Kind of a funny story since his pants were around his knees, but his woman called 911 while he was fighting for Marina. I was going to let her tell you about it but she said you guys aren’t together so I thought I’d give you a heads-up.”
“What do you mean snatch?”
“Grabbed her while she was waiting for an Uber at the end of her shift and tried to pull her into his car. Description sounds like it was Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails, circa 1995. A thin, black-haired, goth guy.”
“Fuck! Does she know him?”
“Nope. Thank God he was scrawny or the biker with the pants down wouldn’t have saved her. The guy got away, though. They found his car abandoned a couple of hours later. It was stolen with no prints. No surprise there.”
“She okay?”
“Yeah. Shaken up. Dee’s here and going to stay with her. She’ll be okay. See you when you get home.”
“My flight is for tomorrow. Do I need to come home tonight?”
“Nope, we’ve got it. Especially since you guys aren’t together. It’ll send the wrong message to her and she’s sweet. Don’t dick her around.”
“Quinn,” I reply, irritated. The tone is probably too harsh to use with her since she’s only being a good friend.
“You and I have never talked about women and dating so I don’t know how you roll. I only know this is the first woman I’ve ever known you to have around more than once so I’m just saying, she’s a sweet girl who has a shit deal in life. Don’t make it worse.”
Now my partner thinks I’m a douchebag.
“I won’t. Take care of her, okay?”
“I will. Besides, my kids love her. Even with everything going on she got down on the floor to play with Lila and listened to Carlo try to impress her with football stories. I think Carlo has a crush on her. He told her that her nose ring was ‘on point.’ When I asked him what that meant it took him five minutes of belly laughter to tell me it meant it looked good. I guess I’m officially old.”
“I’ll be back to work the day after tomorrow. Call me if anything else comes up.”
When I hang up the phone, Leslie’s watching me with open curiosity.
“Okay, who is she?”
“Quinn.”
“Not Quinn. I know Quinn. Who is the woman?”
“No one. Well it’s someone I knew when I was young. I hadn’t seen her in years and now she’s everywhere with one problem after another. The lady is a train wreck. Someone tried to snatch her from the parking lot at work and this isn’t the first crazy thing to happen to her in the last couple of months.”
Leslie gasps and slaps her hand to her chest. “Is she okay?”
“Yeah, a biker saved her, but she’s staying with Quinn.”
“Is it normal to take a victim back home?”
“No, there’s more to it than that, but I don’t want to get into it.”
“You never do, Dex. I love you, but you’re so damn closed off. Don’t stay that way. Growing old alone would suck.”
“I’m doing fine the way I am.”
“Except you’re not. You run. You hike. You work. You do some things with the Rivers family and you take care of us. That’s not a life, Dexter. It’s an existence and if Stu were here he’d kick your ass. I saw your face when you heard about the girl back in Colorado. Whatever you aren’t telling me is something big. Whatever it is, go home and face it. Love is worth the fight, Dex.”
“I’m not in love.”
“Keep telling yourself that and maybe you’ll believe it too.”
Before I can say something else, she sashays out of the room humming. Damn it!
Rushton is settled and I feel like I can go home. We had a long-ass man-to-man chat on the way home while Les pretended to listen to music on her headphones in the backseat. I could tell she wasn’t though because her eyes would shoot to mine in the rearview mirror when she heard something that freaked her out. Rushton thought Leslie and Joe were trying to flush Stu’s memory down the toilet. Thought they wanted him and Sky to forget their dad, so I had to be honest and explain why things were going the way they were and why it was important to accept Joe. By the time we got home he was okay. He’s grounded for his disappearing stunt but he’ll be okay.
Before I leave, I step into Rushton’s room and close the door. He’s sitting on the edge of his bed, staring out the window. “You wanted to talk to me?” I ask.
“Yeah. Can I ask you something?”
“Of course. Anything, any time.”
“Did my dad ever get scared?” He bites down on his lower lip and shifts his gaze to the floor.
“Of course. He wasn’t a wuss or anything, but he got scared. That’s normal. Why?”
“Do you think he’d be mad that I’m scared?”
This is tough. I’m not sure where he’s going with this, but I know this is going to get tricky. “What are you scared of?”
“I’m…” he trails off and I get the distinct impression he’s fighting back heavy emotion.
“Say it. Whatever it is, say it. You’ll feel better once you do.” I sit down in the desk chair and scoot it closer to him.
“I’m scared I’m going to forget him. What if Mom marries Joe and we all forget him?”
“I thought we covered this in the car on the way home from Tallahassee?”
“I couldn’t stop thinking about it and I think I’m just scared I’ll forget him. It’s already hard to remember some things. Like the sound of his voice and his laugh. I know he had a cool laugh but I can’t find it in my head. What if all of that goes away? That’s why I like it when you’re around. You make me think of some of the things I forgot about him.”
“You’ll never forget him. Memories fade but they’re always there. One day you may be walking through the grocery store and a memory, one you were missing, will come to you out of nowhere. Or you could be watching TV and someone will say something that triggers it. I get what you’re saying about me being here. You do the same for me. You’re just like your dad in all the best ways and it helps me too. That’s part of the reason I want you to keep coming to see me in Colorado. It’s selfish, but I don’t
want to lose him completely either. I never want to lose that either.”
“Do you think he really loved us?”
“Is that a real question?” I ask as I tilt my head. He nods and waits. “Of course he did. When we were deployed, there wasn’t a lot to do when we weren’t working. We worked out, we played cards and we talked. He mostly talked, but I listened. You and your mom and sister were the number one topic of conversation. In his stuff, he kept this little pile of the letters your mom wrote, the pictures you drew and the photographs of you guys. Once or twice a day I’d catch him looking through that stuff with a smile on his face. Being away from you guys was the hardest part of being over there for him. He worried about you all the time and he missed you too.”
He’s thoughtful for a minute so I do my best to wrap up the conversation. “Rush, you’re growing up fast and your life is changing so it’s going to be hard, but you’re Stuart Larkin’s son. You have some of that same brave blood running through your veins. You just don’t realize it yet. You have to face the changes coming your way head-on and see what they bring before you freak out. Your dad wouldn’t want you losing your mind every time something new comes up. He’d want you to stand up tall and try to work through it. If you need me to remind you of that every time something comes up, I will, but be like your dad, call and talk to me before you run from it. Your dad was the bravest man I’ve ever known and you’ll grow up to be the same, I know it.”
“How can you be sure? I don’t feel brave. I feel scared most of the time.”
“Because you’re so much like your dad it freaks me out sometimes. I’m sure as you get older it’s going to get even weirder for me, but with your dad gone, if I had to trust anyone to stand by my side when the shit hits the fan, it would be you.”
“I’m only 11.”
“Age has nothing to do with it. Who you are on the inside and who you’re working to become are what counts. I know a lot of great men and I know a lot of dirtbags. You’re going to be one of the greats. I don’t say it much because it just isn’t my way, but I want you to know I love you and I’ve always got your back. You need something, you call me. When we stand together nothing can take us down. With all these changes going on, if you feel like you’re forgetting him, pull out the pictures, the videos, the notes, whatever you need to help you remember, and if those don’t work, call me and I’ll tell you some stories about him.” He smiles so I hug him one last time and walk back out the door.
As I pull up to the Rivers’ house, my stomach is knotted up with nerves knowing Mari is in there and our last conversation was tough. I haven’t had that problem since I was a teenager. When I approach the back door, which is the way they like everyone to enter their house, I hear Marina’s musical laughter float through the door. I peer in through the window to see her nuzzling Lila’s stomach as she cracks up laughing.
Judson’s on the couch next to Quinn with his arm around her, laughing too. Carlo’s staring at Marina like she’s the sun and moon rolled into one. I agree with Quinn; just by the look on his face I’m certain he has a crush. I’m not sure how long I stand there before I finally get up the nerve to knock on the door, but when I do Quinn answers and ushers me in. Marina stops what she’s doing and faces me. She has a bruise on her cheek and scratch marks down her neck. I wonder what other marks are on her, but I know I won’t get the answer to that question because her smile fades as I approach. She’s not happy to see me.
“Hey bud,” I say as I touch Carlo’s hair on the way past. Carlo stands and mumbles something about being an idiot and Quinn sends everyone out of the room. Judson stands and announces, “Bath time. Glad you’re home, Dex. Good to see you.”
Distractedly I reply, “Yeah, you too.” I haven’t taken my eyes off the beautiful woman in front of me. She’s makeup-free with only three piercings visible and the red streaks she had in her hair before I left are fading to pink.
The room empties and we’re left staring at each other. I step in closer, probably too close for the way we left things, and sweep her hair over her shoulder to examine the scratches. She doesn’t move. Her eyes are wide as she watches me in silence.
I lightly stroke over the bruise, “Mari…” I pause in my perusal. “You okay?”
She nods.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here.”
She rolls her lips between her teeth and I can tell she’s getting emotional and fighting it.
“Come sit on the porch with me so I can explain.”
“It’s a little cool and I don’t have pants.”
I snatch the fluffy blanket off the back of the couch and hold it up. She wraps herself in it and follows me out the door to sit in the swing. I sit next to her.
I don’t waste any time before telling her about Stuart and the promise and about everything. The only thing I leave out is the one-night encounter with Leslie, because it’s irrelevant considering it was forever ago, meant nothing and only going to hurt her.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t explain. I was in a panic, something you know is not normal for me, and I knew you’d have a million questions. I should’ve taken the time to at least give you the basics, but I’m not used to having to explain myself or talk about this kind of shit. I wasn’t trying to hurt you, I just needed to get to them.”
“Did you sleep with her while you were there?”
“What?”
“Leslie. Did you sleep with her?”
“No, I told you Joe was there and they’re getting married.” It’s a little white lie, skirting the truth because there is no need to bring up things from so long ago that have no bearing on the present, besides she asked if I slept with her while I was there. I did not.
“I know this isn’t a relationship and it isn’t going anywhere, but I appreciate you coming to talk to me. Our paths will probably continue to cross on occasion since I’m taking a job here on the ranch with Judson. They were planning to hire someone and I’m willing. It’ll mean I don’t have to go back to the bar more than one day a week. The patrons are a little rowdy but they turned out to be good people; I’m just ready to move on to something new.”
“You’ll be working here? Do you know anything about horses? Had you ever even seen a horse before coming here?”
“Nope. But Judson’s going to teach me. I love animals so I think I’ll be fine. I’m going to stay with them for the next week while I get acclimated to the job and then I’ll go back to my apartment. By then we should have at least a mattress and some clothes. I already went to Goodwill while you were gone and grabbed some clothes to get me through.”
“You aren’t coming back to my place?”
“No. We don’t want the same things and I don’t want to be a placeholder for the blond Barbie doll with perfect makeup and an SUV that you’re probably waiting on. You don’t love me and I need that. I deserve it. I want a home, a family, and a man who loves my constant chatter, who can’t get enough of me and my unconventional ways. We both know that’s not how you feel and it’s okay. It was nice while it lasted.” By the set of her shoulders it’s obvious that’s she’s serious even if the tone of her voice rings with sadness.
“You want a family? Most suburban moms aren’t running around with lip rings and pink hair.”
“Well then I’ll be the first and there will be someone at my side who’s not embarrassed by that. You’re a great guy, Jase, but we both know you’re not my guy and for once in my life I’ll be strong enough to walk away.”
She’s right. I know she’s right, so why does it feel like someone took a sledgehammer to my chest? I don’t get the chance to say anything else. She stands and places a kiss to my forehead before she returns inside without another word. I sit for a long time before Judson comes out and hands me a beer. When did she get so strong? I was only gone a couple of days, which doesn’t seem long enough for the changes I’ve witnessed in her tonight.
“Want to talk about it?”
“Nah. She didn’t say anything but t
he truth. I’m not the guy for her. She deserves the pierced, tattooed version of Mr. 2.5 kids. Most of the time she drives me batty with her constant talking anyway. I just wish I understood why I feel like shit now.”
“I can’t tell you that. You have to figure it out on your own. I hope you get your head out of your ass though because she’s pretty damn great.” With that parting line, he leaves me sitting there alone with only my thoughts to keep me company. When I finish my beer, I return to my apartment and am struck stupid with how quiet it is. After the crazy last week and the previous weeks of having Marina here you’d think I’d relish this, but instead it’s rubbing like burlap against soft skin, chaffing and mocking me.
Over the next few days I take more runs after midnight and shoot the shit with Marv. The nightmares are worse than ever, taking on elements fit for a Stephen King novel, not my dreams. The first two nights they felt so real I could smell that last battle where I lost Stu like I was standing in the middle of it again, even after I was awake for a few hours.
On my day off I go hiking and try to remind myself why I love to be alone. I think my problem is a matter of wanting what you can’t have. Because when I had Marina, her constant talking made me nuts. She did make a great dinner and the sex was dynamite, but I can get both elsewhere, with a quieter person, and minus the crazy baggage. In fact, there’s a gorgeous blonde at Starbucks every day when I roll through that I was eyeing before Marina blew through my life. Maybe I’ll ask her out tomorrow.
By the weekend I have a date with the blonde, whose name is Catrina. We end up having dinner at a local chain restaurant per her suggestion. This woman may be beautiful, but she’s not very intelligent and we have nothing in common. In fact, we’re struggling through conversation when the Rivers family, accompanied by Marina, comes down the aisle where we’re sitting. Son of a bitch.
Quinn introduces everyone as Carlo stands in the back shaking his head and avoiding eye contact. I know he thinks I’m an idiot, but he’s not a grown man who knows what I know about Marina, so he can be pissed all he wants. Someday he’ll understand. Mari excuses herself abruptly and Quinn follows. I realize seeing me on this date probably hurt her and I didn’t want that, but we aren’t together so there isn’t much I can do about it. Judson gets the hint that this is awkward and leads his family to a table a little farther back than ours.