by Tiffani Lynn
“Hey, you okay?” I ask.
Glancing at me like he forgot I was here, he says, “Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. You ready?”
The tiny grin that he’s been wearing for the last couple weeks is gone and the Jase I first encountered is back. I’m not quite sure what to do or say but I know I’m not returning to grumpy, closed-off Jase. Not without a fight. I maneuver to stand in front of him, between the coffee table and where he’s seated on the couch. “If something happened, you know you can talk—”
“Mari, I’m fine. Let it go,” he snaps and stands abruptly to cut me off. Then he slips around me with minimal contact and strides to the door. I have no idea what to think of this crazy one-eighty he’s done in the last 15 minutes. One thing I know for sure though is that he’s stubborn and won’t easily be moved in any direction except the one he wants to go so I clamp my lips shut and follow him out the door.
The flatter areas of town quickly turn into the foothills as we climb up near Daisy Rivers Ranch. Although Jase’s mood has laid a huge stone on my chest, I can’t help but smile as we climb up the long gravel driveway to their house. I love it out here. If I could name one place as my happy place—that had nothing to do with Jase’s naked body or his bed—this would be it.
We pull up and Carlo bounds out of the house toward the truck. He adores Jase and I love to see the kid so happy. He surprises me as he bypasses Jase with a “Hey, Dex!” and runs right for me. He reaches me but then stops abruptly and his brows knit together. “Are you still hurt?”
“I’m much better.” As soon as I flash him a reassuring smile, he throws his arms around my waist and holds tight. Tears spring to my eyes at the sweet gesture but I swallow hard and force them back. To have someone so excited to see me that they can’t contain it is a salve for my soul. When you’ve gone through life like I have, not feeling loved, little things like that mean the world.
“I missed you,” I tell him as I hold him close. He and I are kindred souls, I’m glad that he found a forever home and people who really love him. It’s what I always wanted. As I glance up, I see Judson appear in the doorway with baby Lila. Quinn nudges him out of the way and approaches with a smile, and I greet them with a half wave. “Hey guys.”
We spend a few hours with the horses and kids, and after I help Judson clean up the dinner mess, I go in search of Jase and Quinn. They’re nowhere inside so I venture out to the porch. As I open the door I can hear their voices carry on the slight breeze. With a funny feeling in my gut, I approach more quietly than I normally would.
“So, Leslie’s set a date for the wedding. I knew it had to be something big with how quiet you’ve been today. How did you respond when she told you?”
“I was quiet at first. I knew it was coming. Joe, her fiancé, said something to me while I was there, but I guess I didn’t expect it this soon. I’m not ready for this.”
“Are you sorry it’s not you?”
My tummy does a somersault and I know without a doubt I don’t want to hear the answer to the question. If he’s already upset about her getting married, I don’t want to hear what he has to say about the speedy nuptials. If I hear the answer I’ll never be able to act like I didn’t know what was said, so I call out to them. “Hey guys! You out here?”
Conversation between them halts instantly as Quinn answers, “Over here.” I’m so glad I made my presence known. I can’t even stomach the thought of hearing him say he wishes he were marrying her.
“Lila is going in for her bath and Carlo is watching Star Wars so I thought I’d see what you two are doing. Am I interrupting?”
With a quick glance at Jase, she says, “No, you’re not interrupting. Come sit down.”
The fake smile I’ve perfected over the years tips my lips. He scoots forward, preparing to get out of his chair, and asks, “You ready to go back to my place?”
I nod, not sure what to say. Leslie has been a niggling concern in the back of my mind since the first time he got a call from her. His sudden change in behavior at the revelation that she’s getting married forces a physical ache in my chest I almost can’t ignore. I don’t want to be a place holder until another beautiful, traditional beauty comes along. Or a stand-in for the woman he really wishes he could have.
I promised myself that I’d make changes after this last fiasco. I wanted to make better choices so that my outcomes would be different but I totally ignored the warning bells with this one. I so badly want him to be “the one” that I looked past the obvious.
The truck radio plays a country song while we sit in silence on the way back to his apartment. I can’t hear the words to the song over the screaming doubts in my mind though. I’m not sure what to do about any of this. The desire to have a boyfriend and a life that’s no longer lonely is overwhelming, but the desire to have him be my man is practically all-consuming. When we enter the apartment, I walk toward the bedroom to change into my pajamas so we can watch TV like we’ve done every other night. After I’ve tugged the T-shirt over my head, Jase enters the room, sits on the edge of the bed and removes his boots. His silence is strangling me so I ask, “What do you want to watch tonight? I can go get it ready while you change.” Without even looking up at me, he says, “I’m pretty tired; I think I’m going to turn in.”
My heart sinks, weighing my chest down, but I’ve got to try. I’m not willing to accept defeat after only a few hours. Maybe being close to me in bed will help. Maybe when I’m naked next to him he’ll have to remember that he wants me, that he’s been happy with me the last few weeks. Damn, I hate how desperate I sound.
“Okay, well, I’m pretty tired too. I’ll go turn the lights off in the living room, wash my face and then I’ll join you.” A grunt that sounds suspiciously like “whatever” comes from him while he continues undressing. I hurry out of the room to shut off the lights and do a quick face wash. I’m back to the bedroom to join him within minutes. Unlike every other night, he’s curled on his side facing away from me. I yank my clothes off, slip in between the sheets and scoot in close with my best attempt to spoon his much larger body.
For the first time in forever he’s wearing basketball shorts. That’s a bad sign. I slip my arm around his waist and slide my hand down his abs, hoping to get his attention. As I reach the band of his shorts, his hand clamps down on my wrist.
“No, Marina. I’m tired. Maybe tomorrow.”
Embarrassed, chastised, and now angry too, I roll away, climb out of bed and shuffle my T-shirt and sweatpants back on. I can’t lie there in his bed feeling that level of rejection only a foot away. It’s bad enough being stuck in the same apartment, but the same bed? I can’t do it. I won’t do it.
Huddled in the corner of the couch with my knees pulled up close, the TV flickers something I’m not even watching into the darkness and I think about where I’m at and how I got here. I think about when Jase gets over this and accepts that Leslie is getting married and becomes interested in me again. Sure, it’s been less than 24 hours since all this happened, but in my quest for a different life I can’t settle for second best. If that’s who he really wanted, so much so that he can shut me out and shut me down then I would never really get what I wanted with him. Yes, I want a husband and children. But more importantly, I want a boyfriend first who loves me so much he can’t see straight. So, when that same man who loves me like crazy asks to make me his forever, I’ll know for sure I’m making the right decision. I won’t have to worry if Leslie gets divorced or widowed again, or if someone more suited to his tastes rolls up, that I’ll lose him. I want the security that comes with true love and forever.
As the night drones on and I can’t sleep because I’m upset and out here alone, I decide that if he’s still like this in the morning, then it’s time for me to go back to the mattress on the floor of the crappy apartment I walked out of three weeks ago.
At five in the morning, he comes out in his running gear. I suspect it’s to go talk to Marv but with the guise of running. His eyes
narrow on me when he realizes I’m sitting there.
“You been awake all night?”
I nod, afraid that if I open my mouth either a sob or a list of cuss words will slip out, neither of which is appropriate this early in the morning.
“Marina, you know you’ll never fully heal if you don’t get rest.”
The burning is back in my chest and the heat from my temper is bubbling to the surface. “I’m fine.”
After studying me for a few seconds too long, he shrugs and proceeds out the door.
Screw this. He’s obviously ready for me to go or is too closed off to deal with me being here. While he’s gone I shower and pack the little bit of stuff I have into the bag I brought it in and place it beside the bed, out of view. I eat breakfast and go back to the couch. He has the swing shift this week so I know he’ll be back soon to get ready for work.
After he showers, changes and leaves for work with little more than five words for me, I message Amber, asking her to take me back to my place. Dee works today and I don’t want to wait for her to get off. I write Jase a note thanking him for his hospitality and leave it on the table. In it I promise to give his apartment key to Judson the following day when I start work again.
It shouldn't be so painful to walk away from someone who clearly loves someone else, but I’ll be damned if it isn’t. I think because things had been wonderful for weeks I should’ve realized, with my track record, it wouldn’t last. I was so caught up in my own happiness that I let my worries and normal concerns slip under a rock somewhere. I enjoyed his routine and his closeness, his strength and his beauty, and had no interest in facing the fact that I may not be what he really wants.
When midnight rolls around and I have every light in the apartment on because a weird sound outside the door made me nervous, I’m starting to second guess my decision. Maybe I should have stayed with him and used him for his safe space, his TV and his full refrigerator a little bit longer. I’m hungry because the last quarter jar of peanut butter didn’t quite cut it for a lunch/dinner combo without bread or jelly. Since the only other thing I have left in here is crackers, tomorrow should be interesting.
Despite my fear, I have to take a taxi to the ranch tomorrow and that has my anxiety level up too. I’m almost unable to breathe, thinking about the kidnapper from the last ride alone from the ranch. I still don’t have a car though, so I have to suck it up and I need to get to my job so that come payday I can buy some groceries. Tomorrow night I may just have to drag my butt down to the local soup kitchen. It’s only about five blocks north of here and although it’s not great food, it’s at least edible and usually warm.
At one o’clock in the morning, there’s a knock on the door. Paralyzed with fear I sit on the mattress, afraid if I get up to check the peephole, the squeak in the floorboards will be too loud and alert someone to my presence. Another set of knocks echoes through the apartment.
When I still don’t answer, I hear, “Mari, open up the door. I know you’re here. I can see every light in the place on from street level. You’re the only broke person I know who keeps all your lights on all night long. Open the damn door or I’ll kick it in.”
Damn it! Why is he even here? It makes no sense. I’m not in the mood to deal with him but I can’t afford a new door so I stand and make my way over there. When I open it I’m practically blown away by the waves of anger he’s throwing off. Why the heck is he mad?
“What the hell, Mari?” he barks at me as he grips my shoulders and pushes his way inside. Shocked, I say nothing while he slams my door and locks it. I shake my head because I can’t find the words to say anything quite yet. He’s upset that his distraction is gone? I don’t get it.
“Seriously, Mari! What the hell?”
“What do you want, Dex?”
I thought he couldn’t get madder but when I use the name Dex, his nostrils flare and the muscles in his shoulders and neck flex. A pissed off bull in a pasture doesn’t look crazier than he does right now.
“What do I want?” He steps closer so I have to bend my head back a little to see him. If this would have been a couple of months ago I’d be afraid of him. Not that I’ve been around him again I know he’d never physically hurt me.
“Yes. I can’t figure out why you’re here. I left you a note. I said I’d give your key to Judson. If you want it now I can go grab it. Just give me a second.” I turn to walk away and he snatches me by the arm, pulling me back against him.
“You know what I mean. What are you thinking? You’re not safe here.”
Really? He’s pissed because I came back to an apartment he doesn’t think is safe? Please. Sometimes emotional health trumps physical safety. Right now is one of those times.
“I’m thinking I don’t need to get my heart broken. I’d rather face a crazy man than another broken heart. Besides, no one is after me. Whatever that was before, it’s over. There’s been no sign of anyone all night. I’m fine. Go home, Dex. I don’t need you in my face for no reason. I appreciate you taking care of me, but I’m back to normal and I go back to work tomorrow. It’s all going to be fine.”
“Damn it Mari! What the hell happened between Friday, when we talked about you driving my car to and from the ranch while staying at my place, and today?”
“Nothing. It was just time for me to go.”
“Bullshit!”
“It’s not bullshit Dex, it’s the truth.”
“Stop calling me Dex!”
“It’s your name!” I yell at him. My chest is heaving I’m so damn mad at him. Why won’t he go away?
His eyes search my face as he straightens himself up to his full height. He steps around me and heads for my room. “I’m done with the games. If you won’t grab your stuff I will and then I’ll drag your ass back to my place. Unless you want to fight me the whole way, you’d better lose the attitude and get moving.”
Wow. He’s freaking clueless. All he did with that little speech is piss me off more.
“Dex,” I emphasize the name to piss him off. “I’m not going with you. You and Quinn and Judson and Dee want me to make better choices, so guess what? I am! I don’t need or want you to take care of me. I’ve said it a million times, I’m not your charity case and I don’t need you. So turn your ass around and march it back out my front door and don’t come back!”
He steps even closer so that our torsos touch to piss me off more I’m certain. Anticipating my retreating step he grips my arms and holds me still. I’m so spitting mad I could claw his eyes out.
“What the hell is your problem? You were fine yesterday.”
I’m so angry I can’t control the words coming out of my mouth or my train of thought or my actions. I can only feel the red-hot anger pushing its way up from my gut.
“You’re right. I was fine. I had no problems. It’s you that had the problem and as soon as I figured out what it was, I knew I wasn’t going to stick around anymore. You saved me. Your job is done. You helped heal my body, your job is done. I need nothing else from you so go the fuck away!”
“I’m not going anywhere until you explain yourself. None of what you said makes sense.”
“Are you kidding me?” I screech. “Friday night we had sex and you wrapped yourself around me like a boa constrictor to go to sleep. Saturday morning you were all smiles and fun until your goddamn phone rang! Then you hid while you took the call and closed me out the rest of the day. No talking, no hand holding, no smiles, no nothing. When I was coming out to the porch to find you, I heard you tell Quinn you were upset that Leslie set the date for her wedding.”
“If—”
My hand goes up to stop him. “Let me finish. You wanted to hear this, so listen good. I heard what you said to Quinn. As soon as I came around the corner you clammed back up again. Then you were silent all the way back to your place. At bedtime, for the first time in almost three weeks, you went to bed without me, completely clothed. When I tried to instigate things with you, I got shut down so fast my
head spun. It didn’t even faze you that I went to the couch. You slept like a baby while I sat out there all night coming to terms with the fact that I’m a placeholder, a time-passer while you wait for the one you really wanted to come after you. I’m not that woman anymore. I refuse to be, so let me go. Find someone else, I’m sure it won’t be a problem!”
My whole body is shaking with anger and I can feel the tears building, but I refuse to shed them. He will not see my pain. Not again.
“God, you’re maddening! Why didn’t you say all that to me at my place?”
“I never intended to say it anywhere. I assumed we were done and I wouldn’t have to say it at all.”
His mouth crashes to mine before I can utter another word and I fight it at first but he forces his tongue inside my mouth and wraps his arms tight around me. I do my best to push him away but he keeps at me until he backs off just enough to nip my bottom lip with his teeth as he growls, “Stop it. Don’t fight me,” and seals his lips back over mine. This time the buzzing that starts in my core is so strong I can’t ignore it and I open for him, meeting his tongue stroke for stroke. I’ve never had an angry kiss before. I’ve had angry sex, but never an angry kiss. My hands shove up inside his shirt and push until he breaks the kiss to rip it off over his head. Mouth back to mine, he shoves at my sweatpants until they’re at mid-thigh. “Fuck, no panties!” he grunts as he grips the flesh of my ass.
I’m unable to comment back while his mouth continues to feed on mine. He breaks the kiss as he backs me into the wall and works his way down my neck. When he reaches my T-shirt, he yanks if off and tosses it aside.
“Mari,” he whispers, his voice hoarse with desire.
I pinch my own nipples and pull, needing relief.
Quickly he spins and turns me to face the wall so my back is to his front, almost knocking me off balance. My hands move up level with my shoulders so I can brace myself against the drywall.
“Jase,” I breathe. One of his hands runs over my ass cheek and he slaps it hard.