by Laura Wade
ALICE: Yeah, OK.
GRYPHON: You see? Are we going to let her learn it off someone substandard?
MOCK TURTLE: No, you’re right, love.
GRYPHON: Can I unstrap it, then?
MOCK TURTLE: Yes. Gently.
The GRYPHON looks to ALICE for help, and together they undo the straps tying the bath to the MOCK TURTLE’s back.
GRYPHON: Just this last one... There.
ALICE: Can you stand up?
They help her stand up, but she nearly overbalances.
MOCK TURTLE: Aaahh –
GRYPHON: Hold on to me.
She regains her balance.
MOCK TURTLE: Yes. Yes. There we are.
GRYPHON: (To Alice.) Now the Lobster Quadrille starts like this –
The MOCK TURTLE suddenly wails.
MOCK TURTLE: No no no, wait wait –
GRYPHON: Oh my love, come on –
MOCK TURTLE: No, I mean. I’m not properly dressed.
The MOCK TURTLE takes off her grubby housecoat to reveal a fabulous ballgown underneath.
ALICE: Wow.
MOCK TURTLE: Now I’m ready.
GRYPHON: Don’t you look a picture?
(To Alice.) Now take my hand and I’ll take the Mock Turtle’s hand and we go like this – step, step-step
Good, and again – step, step-step
MOCK TURTLE: Fingers, darling. Think lobster.
The MOCK TURTLE demonstrates a hand position vaguely reminiscent of a lobster claw.
GRYPHON: Step, step-step. Step, step-step. And then the words go –
“Will you walk a little faster?” said a whiting to a snail,
“There’s a porpoise close behind us, and he’s treading on my tail.
See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance!
They are waiting on the shingle – will you come and join the dance?
Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, will you join the dance?
Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, won’t you join the dance?
MOCK TURTLE: Got the hang of it?
ALICE: I think so.
GRYPHON: And faster for the second verse:
“You can really have no notion how delightful it will be
When they take us up and throw us, with the lobsters, out to sea!”
But the snail replied “Too far, too far!” and gave a look askance –
Said he thanked the whiting kindly but he would not join the dance.
Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, will you join the dance?
Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, won’t you join the dance?
MOCK TURTLE: And then all the lobsters join in!
The beach is filled with dancing lobsters. The GRYPHON and MOCK TURTLE lead the dance expertly, enthused by each others’ talent.
The dance gets faster and faster and ALICE struggles to keep up.
As the dance ends, ALICE tries to get her breath back. She laughs as the MOCK TURTLE and GRYPHON dance away from her, followed by the lobsters.
ALICE marks through the steps she’s learned, dancing on her own.
ALICE: And one two three LOBSTER one two three PRAWN one two three CUTTLEFISH
Strictly Come Lobster. Brilliant. One two three PRAWN.
No, that’s not right – one two three PRAWN gosh it’s difficult.
She stops, thinking. Realises something.
Completely inappropriate. COMPLETELY inappropriate.
God, if my mum saw me dancing. That is totally. That is not OK. What, Joe’s dead and I’m dancing around? Idiot. God, Alice, what were you thinking?
She hears a noise approaching – the shouts of excited small children – and looks to see where the sound is coming from.
Two boys in prep school uniform (shorts, blazers and peaked caps) cycle in on small tricycles. One has a tiny guitar strapped to his back, the other an accordion. They’re shouting their own version of ‘Cock-a-doodle-doo’.
DUM/DEE: Tweedle-eedle-
DUM: DUM!
DUM/DEE: Tweedle-eedle-
DEE: DEE!
DUM/DEE: Tweedle-eedle-...
They both stop and look around them as if they’ve lost something.
Then they see ALICE.
DUM: Look! A lady!
They cycle towards her and start going round her in circles.
DEE: Look how fast I can go!
DUM: Look how fast I can go!
DEE: I can do a clap while I’m going, look –
He lifts his hands from the handlebars and claps, then puts them back very quickly.
DUM: And we can do this, look –
They cycle towards each other, doing a high 5 as they pass each other.
BOTH: Woo-hoo!
DEE: And I can do a wheelie – I’m going to do one now.
He cycles to a corner, pointing diagonally towards ALICE.
Watch, right, watch.
He cycles towards her, then lifts the front wheel of his tricycle about 3 inches off the ground.
Woo! Look, woo!
DUM: ‘Mazin.
DEE stops and looks at ALICE.
DEE: Clap then!
ALICE claps.
ALICE: Yes, very good, well done.
They get off their tricycles (with a big movement, as if dismounting from a Harley Davidson) and high 5 each other again, then turn their attention back to ALICE.
DUM: Watch this, right – I’m going to do my dance. Watch my dance.
DUM does a sort-of hip-hop dance.
Check this out, right.
DEE: Them is some killer moves!
Don’t laugh at him.
ALICE: I’m not.
DUM: And then I go like this –
And then it finishes like this.
And then you clap.
ALICE: Brilliant.
ALICE claps. The boys high 5 each other.
DEE: Let’s show her the other one.
DUM: Is she ready for it, though?
DEE: D’you want to see the coolest thing you’ve ever seen?
DUM: I don’t think she could handle it.
ALICE: I probably could.
DEE: OK, but don’t have a seizure or anything.
ALICE: I won’t.
DUM: You might.
DEE: Ladies and Gentlemen: the Human Pyramid!
They go down on their hands and knees next to each other.
DUM: Ta dah!
DEE: Clap then.
ALICE: That’s a pyramid, is it?
DUM: What?
DEE: Course it’s a pyramid.
ALICE: It’s just you two kneeling down next to each other. Shouldn’t there be another person on the top?
The boys look at each other, realising.
DUM: Oh.
DEE: Oh yeah.
DUM: Doesn’t do without Doo, does it?
DEE: No can Doo.
ALICE: Pardon?
DUM: Tweedledoo goes on the top.
ALICE: Tweedle –
DUM: Doo.
ALICE: Sorry, what?
The boys sigh at having to explain.
DEE: He’s Tweedledum.
DUM: He’s Tweedledee.
DEE: And our friend is called Tweedledoo.
DUM: Except we don’t know where he’s gone to.
DEE: He was here and then he’s gone away.
ALICE: Did he say where he was going?
DEE: He didn’t say anything.
DUM: One day he was there and the next day he wasn’t.
DEE: And we was a bit sad.
DUM: And now there’s only two of us, which means we can’t do a proper pyramid AND we can’t be a proper band.
ALICE: A music band?
DEE: He plays ukulele and I play ukulele and then Tweedledoo is the main guitar man.
DUM: And the singer.
DEE: And he writes the songs.
DUM: And you can’t be a band with only two.
ALICE: What was the band c
alled?
DEE: The Doodeedums.
DUM: Which is a name made out of –
ALICE: Your names, yeah.
DEE: She’s clever, she is.
DUM: Swotty, she’s a swot.
ALICE: Why can’t you be in a band with only two?
DEE: Can’t even decide what we’re called. I think The Deedums.
DUM: I think the Dumdees.
DEE: But that’s a stupid name.
DUM: Yeah, bum off, poo man.
DEE: Poo off, bum man.
DUM: You’re a man made out of poo.
DEE: You’re a man made out of bums.
ALICE: Boys, come on –
DEE: He pretends to be my friend, you know, but he STOLE my maraca.
DUM: I DID NOT STEAL YOUR MARACA.
DEE: He stole it and it was a new one.
DUM: It’s my job to do the maraca bit in the middle of the song.
DEE: But it’s my maraca, so you can’t. He’s a stealer.
DUM: It’s not your maraca, it’s ours.
ALICE: Why don’t you just share it, OK? How’s that?
DEE: Fight you for it!
ALICE: Share it.
DUM: OK, fight for it, then. Good luck cause you’re going to need it.
DEE: You are too, cause I’m the best fighter.
The boys square up, fists raised.
ALICE: OK, OK, hang on –
DEE: Think you can fight me without armour?
DUM: Think you can?
DEE: Ding ding ding that’s the bell to get tooled up.
The boys lower their fists.
DUM: She can help us get ready.
They toddle off and each return pulling an old-fashioned trunk containing makeshift armour – pillows, saucepans, hubcaps, a colander, a couple of muffin trays and a tangle of rope and string.
They start to get dressed, tying the metal objects and the pillows to themselves.
DEE: Can you tie this round the back, please?
ALICE goes to help him.
TWEEDLEDUM puts a saucepan on his head.
DUM: Helmet on –
TWEEDLEDEE points to the colander.
DEE: I need that for my head.
ALICE picks it up for him.
It’s got holes in cause it’s breathable, see?
DUM: Gonna hurt you big, bum man.
DEE: (Quietly.) Maybe I shouldn’t fight today, you know, cause I’ve actually got asthma.
DUM: I need help too!
ALICE: Coming.
ALICE goes to help TWEEDLEDUM tie a muffin tray to his front.
DUM: I’m going to need a weapon.
DEE: You’re a weapon.
DUM: You’re a weapon.
DEE: I’m taking you to Painful Town, population you.
DUM:(To ALICE.) Maybe I shouldn’t fight today, you know, cause I’ve got a bone in my leg.
ALICE: You don’t have to fight.
DUM: He’ll think I’m a baby if I don’t.
DEE: I don’t want to fight today, I’m too sad.
DUM: I’m too sad too.
We didn’t have fighting when Tweedledoo was here.
DEE: We did a bit.
DUM: But Tweedledoo would stop us fighting, or he’d do something funny so we wouldn’t want to.
ALICE: My brother used to say ‘don’t laugh don’t laugh don’t laugh’ till I couldn’t stop myself laughing.
DUM: Has your brother gone away too?
ALICE: Yeah. Never coming back.
The three of them sit down on one of the trunks, dejected.
DEE: It hurts here.
DUM: Yeah.
ALICE: That’s where your heart is.
DUM: And my tummy.
ALICE: Oh. I was looking for something to do with a Heart, wasn’t I?
DUM: Also my arms and legs hurt.
DEE: My hands are all heavy and sad.
ALICE: So are mine.
DUM: You know what Tweedledoo can do?
ALICE: No, what?
DUM: He can go along on his bike and play his guitar at the same time.
DEE: I can do that.
DUM: No you can’t.
ALICE: Boys –
DUM: Do you remember when Tweedledoo did a massive fart and we all ran away and left it for someone to find?
DEE: That was so funny, man.
Do you remember when we tried to teach him burping and he couldn’t even do it?
DUM: That was awesome.
DEE: (Burps.) Like that and he couldn’t even do it.
DUM: I laughed so much my hat came off.
DEE: I laughed so much my shoes came off.
DUM: I laughed so much my pants came off.
Not really. It was well funny, though.
ALICE: How can you talk about it?
DUM: What?
ALICE: Happy things. Remembering happy things.
DUM: What d’you mean?
ALICE: When I think about my brother it makes me feel sick so I mostly try and think about something else.
DEE: But you’ve got to remember the happy things. When I think about happy times it makes it like he’s still here a little bit.
DUM: It stops me being so sad.
DEE: Specially if I think about doing our songs with Doo when we was in our band.
Shall we show the lady?
DUM: But Doo’s not here.
DEE: D’you know the words?
DUM: A bit. Do you?
DEE: Sort of.
DUM: Come on then.
They get ready to play.
But don’t clap till the end, alright?
ALICE: OK.
DUM: Ladies and ladies – the Dumdees!
DEE: The Deedums!
DUM: A 1-2-3-4...
TWEEDLEDUM and TWEEDLEDEE play their song, though struggle to remember the words:
DUM/DEE: (Singing.)
There was a walrus
He went a walking
He was all tusky and all husky and all grey
There was a carpenter
He was mates with the walrus
They went a-walking on the beach one lovely day
Can you remember the next bit?
There’s a bit about oysters
Something else before that duh duh duh duh duh
Now it’s the oysters
They eat the oysters
(spoken:) Oh you divv, that’s the end what are you doing?
They asked the oysters
To come a-walking
They made them walk quite fast because they were quite fat
They had some bread with them
They had some vinegar
Oysters didn’t see what’s funny about that
La la la walking
La la la oysters
They didn’t even try to run away
Is this the bit where
They all get eaten?
For the oysters it was not a happy day
You stupid oysters
To trust a walrus
To trust a carpenter with vinegar and bread
Cause they got eaten
Yeah they got eaten UP!
And after that the oysters were all dead
(Slow right down for this – like a cadenza:.)
It was a lovely night
Down on the beach that day
Who would have thought it would have ended that way...
(all on one note:.)
What do we do now?
Go back to the beginning.
(Go back to the start and repeat...)
A courtroom has formed around ALICE and the TWEEDLES. A throne-like chair in the centre, with a witness box to one side.
On the other side twelve chairs are arranged, and a jury of WONDERLANDERS (with a few lobsters mixed in.) are taking their seats.
On a small occasional table a cake stand is covered with a black cloth.
A Court OFFICIAL approaches to stop the TWEEDLES’ song.
OFFICIAL: Come along no
w, pack it in – no music in court, please.
DUM: Yeah alright alright we were going to stop anyway.
ALICE: In court?
OFFICIAL: Quiet in court!
The WHITE RABBIT is also there.
WHITE RABBIT: All rise for the King and Queen!
Everyone stands up.
The KING and QUEEN process into the courtroom. The QUEEN takes her place on the throne, the KING sits at a desk to the side.
Everyone follows the WHITE RABBIT’s instructions:
Raise your right hand.
Make a W.
Make an L.
Do a fish.
Please be seated.
Everyone sits down.
Your majesty.
QUEEN: Me are here today to sit in judgement upon a grave and dismaying matter. A disgraceful crime that must be investigated – and punished – in the biggest and most public way possible. By me.
JURY MEMBER: String him up!
QUEEN: Off with his head! Would I settle the matter out of court, they said, save myself the upset? But I said to them, as I say to you: no way. No settling. Me believe we owe it – we owe it to jam to see justice done, no matter how painful the –
The queen is almost overcome with emotion, but recovers herself.
KING: Shall we continue this later, my dear?
QUEEN: Bring in the criminal!
KING: The defendant.
WHITE RABBIT: Bring in the defendant!
To booing and hissing from the public gallery the KNAVE is brought in – handcuffed – and once he is in place, is cordoned off so that he’s standing in a small square pen.
ALICE: It’s him – it was him, I saw it. I’m a witness.
I’m right at the heart of the action. Right at the Heart. This must be the final level, this must be the thing before I get to go home, mustn’t it?
QUEEN: Read the accusation.
The WHITE RABBIT stands and reads the following:
WHITE RABBIT: The queen of Hearts, she made some tarts,
All on a summer’s day:
The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts
And took them quite away.
QUEEN: The rotter! Jury – consider your verdict.
WHITE RABBIT: Your majesty, there’s a lot to happen before that.
KING: The Knave of Hearts –
QUEEN: Or “Johnny Tart Thief”.
KNAVE: Objection!
QUEEN: Overspent!
Show the evidence!
The WHITE RABBIT whisks away the black cloth, to show a plate of tarts.
WHITE RABBIT: The tarts, your majesty, which were retrieved from the Knave of Hearts’ knapsack.
KNAVE: Untrue! Someone must have put them there.
QUEEN: Cover them over. My beautiful tarts.
The WHITE RABBIT replaces the cloth over the tarts.
WHITE RABBIT: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, let us now consider the evidence. Appearing for the crown, his majesty the King.