As John waved off the Japanese investors, he closed the door behind him and smiled back at me. For one split second I questioned whether I'd got it all wrong; perhaps it was a stress thing, was it possible that now it was all over he would revert back to the husband I married? I decided to test the water.
“Well, that was a success. Fancy a drink in the conservatory?”
I hoped within that my question had sounded confident enough to not even sound like a suggestion, more of a course of action but nevertheless, John agreed. Ten minutes later we were both sat, feet up, glass of wine in our hands, silently mulling over the day's events. I was even more delighted when Miguel turned up in the doorway, his intention to join us, was met by John asking for some time alone as he wanted to spend some time with his wife. I smiled, winked at Miguel who in turn poked his tongue out in John's direction and turned on his heel and left. At last, we were alone in our house.
It was possibly a slight paranoia on my part but I'd reached a point where I actually didn't dare say anything, I was pleased that we were spending some time together and regardless of my own uncertainty, there was very little tension between us, John seemed content to be sitting there, relaxing with a drink and what's more, he was happy in my company. He broke the ice of comfortable silence.
“Harold seemed quite taken with you; spoke glowingly about you in fact.”
“Did he? He seemed to be quite impressed that I was such a rock for you and I managed to find time to work as well? I got the impression he was clueless as to what I did for a living?”
John shifted uncomfortably in his chair for a moment, “Yes, well, I did play down your work to be honest, it wasn't really about 'you' today, he was here to see how I operated in business, not how you solved a few problems at the local bank.”
I couldn't believe what I'd just heard, in fact I was about to ask John to repeat what he'd just said but what was the point? I knew damn well what he'd said and I resented it immediately.
“Harold's wife? What does she do John, how would you describe her to me?” I tried to refrain from spitting any unnecessary venom in his direction which was extremely hard considering the anger that had suddenly started to bubble inside me.
John seemed to be unaware of my wrath, “Harold's wife is a stay at home Mum, they've got three kids and when she's not running around after them she's running around in the gym keeping herself tidy … I actually asked Harold tonight to ask Lucy, that's his wife, to pick up an application form for you, perhaps you could go with her and get yourself fit, it's always easier when you've got someone else to motivate you.”
That was the final biscuit.
“So you think I'm fat now as well as unworthy of praising my career?”
I placed my glass down on the table beside me. I didn't trust myself not to throw it and its contents all over my sanctimonious, ill-mannered husband. John showed no shift in his statement, it may have dawned on some that the comment was a tad untactful but not John; he seemed almost cheerful with his declaration.
“Well … you can't say that you're traditionally slim now can you, Eva?”
I rose from my chair and it was only then that John appeared conscious of my reaction. “I, John Cain am exactly the same size as when you met me, married me and vowed to love me regardless of anything else. I am not fat, and thank God I'm not as you say, 'traditionally slim' … I am a size fourteen which is average … I am healthy, fit and from what I can make out right at this moment, the only extra baggage I could do with losing is you!”
I left the conservatory, climbed the stairs to my room and began to pack my bag. I needed a break, it was time to go home for a while and re-collect my thoughts and future plans. If John was to be in those plans then things needed to change dramatically, but if he wasn't, then so be it. Once again, in as many weeks, I spent the night alone in our bed, John chose to sleep in his study, and this time I was grateful of his choice of bed rest.
The moment I awoke the next day my stomach lunged into despair, how had things come to this point? I lay still for a moment, trying to fathom out where it had all gone wrong, I hadn't cheated on him, stolen from him or given him cause to doubt my loyalty to him, I was a good wife, I ran a good home, saw to his every needs and financially I was independent from him therefore never having to ask him for monetary hand outs. I'd known from the start that his heart and soul were business and money orientated but always thought there was room in there for me too, how wrong could I have been? I was John's first wife so I had no comparison to liken our breakdown to, he'd almost got engaged once but had told me that she'd betrayed his trust on a business deal. Our business lives were very separate so there was no chance of that happening, it just seemed to me that John lived, breathed and absorbed business only; a wife was something of a social expectancy.
My emotions were so up and down, a part of me wanted it all to be sorted out, a big misunderstanding on John's part. Another part of me wished it was a storm in a teacup and tomorrow it would all blow over and then a bigger part of me just wanted to get my things and run out of there as fast as I could. The empty bed seemed so huge in comparison to John filling his side and sensing his presence throughout the night or him getting up before me in the morning, I missed being able to reach over and wrap my arms around his middle for him then to snuggle into my arched body. I ached for him, physically as well as mentally. I had to try to solve this, this was what I was supposedly good at for God's sake, it was time to take some action, if it was meant to be then it was meant to be but I couldn't leave him without trying.
I decided a letter would be the best course of action, sometimes when you try to speak with someone you get interrupted or you say it in the wrong manner, by writing it down and having the recipient take the time to read it you can express yourself without it then turning into an argument. The last thing I wanted to do was argue with John, I didn't want to piss him off either, the egg shells I was treading on were becoming more fragile and he was losing patience with the whole thing. I wrote my letter and left it in his study.
Two whole days past and I received no acknowledgement to my letter or no answer, in fact, I was receiving no communication from John whatsoever so when I knocked on his study door and found it empty I was puzzled as to where he was, then I noticed a note on his desk. This was I realized my response to my letter, had it been there since I'd written mine, why had he just answered and then disappeared?
I picked up the paper from the table, it read; “I cannot and will not deal with this right now, need space.” There was no 'Dear Eva' and no 'Love John' … a stark sentence coldly written on a white sheet of paper. My heart sank.
I'll be honest, I wanted to smash his pristine little den into a million pieces, I wanted to be face to face with him and scream questions and accusations at him but what would have been the point in that? John was the controller in all of this, what he wanted, he got and what he didn't want he treated like trash. It didn't matter that in business I was used to deciphering difficulties, this was my personal life and I didn't have a damn clue how to fix it, I wasn't even certain whether John wanted me to fix it. A thousand things ran through my head, was he having an affair, had I said something hurtful to him that he felt he couldn't forgive me for, I even considered that he may be having financial problems and that this was the cause for his strange, erratic behavior, what was the issue?
I rang his mobile and it connected then the call was dumped, this confirmed my worries, he was now cutting himself off from my contact, he didn't want to communicate and all women know, when this happens, it means trouble. For the time being I had to accept that this was John's call and until he was ready to come forth and address whatever it was, I was a slave to his rhythm.
A further week went by and I'd still heard nothing, it was hard, almost crucifying me but I stopped myself from attempting to contact him, on the one hand I didn't want him to think I'd given up on him but on the other hand I didn't want to bug him, I allowed him his spac
e and waited for him to come to his senses. Miguel was an absolute rock at this time, he listened, advised and kept as impartial as was possible, there were times when he verbalized that he would quite like to kick him right in his ass, which I would have allowed but we both knew that it would be fruitless so we sat back and played the waiting game.
Three days later I received an email.
“Eva … I know this must be difficult for you, believe me I'm not enjoying any of this either. I think we should talk, I know it has taken time and for the space you've given I'm thankful, I appreciate your patience but I'm ready to talk. John.”
I wasn't particularly over-enthused by the lack of compassion in his writing but it gave me a little hope in the fact that if nothing else, I was about to find out what was going on in his head. We arranged to meet in a cafe lounge on the corner from where we worked.
Seeing John for the first time in two weeks gave me a slight surprise, he looked beaten. Usually such a spark in his eyes and a swagger in his step, he walked through the cafe doors with very little presence at all, taking a seat in the booth opposite me, he ordered a coffee, asked if I wanted another one and removed his coat.
I wasn't sure who should start the conversation and if it was to be me, what my first words would be. I tried all the same.
“How are you?”
“I'm ok, bit tired, confused and fed up of my own company but overall, okay,” he smoothed down his coat, folded it neatly and placed it in the corner of the booth, “and you?”
At least he'd asked which was a bonus, I assumed. “I've been better John but I suppose once this conversation is over I'll know which direction I'm heading, which has been the hardest thing over the last two weeks.”
“Yes, I know, I'm sorry … I've not been exactly fair on you,” the waitress brought over his coffee and left us to iron out of difficulties.
I half expected John to go silent and for it to become an unknown entity, however he continued and I listened.
“I can't do this anymore. I don't have any feelings for you.” he placed his hand on his heart and waved it away as if implying his feelings had flown away. “It's just not the same any more, I know you probably think I'm being callous and my emotions have just switched off and you'd be right, I don't know what it is, they just aren't there any more … I'm sorry.”
I was numb. I suppose half of me expected his decision to be against my favor but I hadn't expected him to come out with that, I wanted answers. “Did something happen for you to realize this? We haven't had any kind of big bust-up, we actually get on well … what made your feelings change all of a sudden? We loved each other so much at one time ...”
“That's just it,” he said calmly, “I loved it when we were so in love but recently it's just become so … stale, we've fallen into a dull routine and I can't see you the way I used to see you, there's no flutter of excitement any more, no rush of passion, I don't desire you.”
Sighing deeply I was exasperated by what I'd just heard, “John, a relationship never continues with the first throes of passion, there's always a honeymoon period but when that passes there comes a growth of togetherness that outweighs the lust and desire to jump on each other all the time, it develops into a comfortable partnership with trust, respect and love.”
I watched as John stared wistfully into his coffee cup, “Exactly Eva, I don't really want that, I like the passion and excitement, all the other stuff bores me, I haven't got time for it, I'm a busy man and I don't need to extra hassle of having to invest more of me into what comes natural in the first stages of being together, call me a fantasist if you like ...”
I certainly had one word for him beginning with F but that, for the moment had to be put to one side. John was quite conclusive in his explanation, that was it as far as he was concerned, how could we ever get back what we first had, it was impossible, therefore John now needed to move onto his next relationship, enjoy the hunt, chase, sex and excitement and have complete disregard for who he hurt. I was surplus to requirements.
I would have been more than satisfied with reading him the riot act, I doubted he would be single for long but what was it he was looking for? Prolonged satisfaction was something he clearly didn't care for but he had to realize that at some point in his life there were no longer going to be queues of women at his door waiting for his attention, he would be leading an insular and sad life without the love of a woman only the lust of his libido, a lonely life to look forward to and one I didn't want him to live, unfortunately it wasn't my choice and I would have to walk away. There was no point in fighting as I would only have made myself look a fool. John was adamant and I was defeated, I walked away not knowing whether I was doing to the right thing, in fact, no, I didn't know I was doing the right thing for John but for myself, it was definitely the right thing.
Having always corresponded with my grandparents via email, it was a shock to them the next morning when I telephoned them, I could hear my Grandmother in the background asking what was wrong, they weren't stupid and within the next 30 minutes I had arranged to go back home for a short holiday, both of them were concerned but so pleased that I'd chosen to go and spend some reprieve with them. It was going to be strange, I hoped not too stifling but I thought the fresh air and open spaces would do me good. Not to mention re-visiting some fond memories which may put my life back in perspective.
My life back on the farm had been grounded, it taught me to think well whereas the city was a constant source of bewilderment, I was very strong in character but during the last weeks with John I'd begun to doubt myself and my judgments, perhaps it was time to go back to my roots and see where the tranquil environment took me. John hated the country, he'd always said how nondescript it was and that it held no inspiration whatsoever for him, he was bored instead of influenced, I on the other hand couldn't wait to lose myself in its refuge.
The night before I'd planned to leave I received a phone call, it was John. I was slightly caught off balance that he'd contacted me in the first place but even more so when I heard that he knew I was leaving.
“Are you sure this is what you want Eva?”
I was baffled by his question, “It's for a holiday John, to collect my thoughts, gather inside what I'm going to do and which direction I should head for, nothing else.”
There was a slight pause at the end of the phone, “I realize that but there may be distractions that manipulate your decisions?”
I realized immediately that by 'distractions' he meant Tommy. “That's really none of your concern any more is it John and besides, I haven't thought about Tommy since I met you, what makes you think that us meeting up again is going to cause a stir now? But like I said, it's not your worry anymore.”
Not only did I feel insulted by his comment but it was remarkable how someone who instrumented such a cold division in our marriage could all of a sudden come across as if he cared what I did with the rest of my life, it was after all finished between us, what was with the phone call in the first place, if he was sure that everything was done between us then he wouldn't need to bother himself with what happened next for me, only the next unsuspecting victim's life he was about to ruin?
There was in fact, nothing left to say and I replaced the receiver. Our relationship was over and so was the conversation. John needed to understand that he was no longer my puppet-master, the strings had been cut and I was now a free person, I may have been going to the country to re-assess my situation but that didn't mean I was looking for a solution to this particular relationship, I accepted that this was now over, it was time to reflect on the reasons and decide what my next chapter would entail. The only hard fact decision I would have to make about John in the future would be when to file for divorce.
Soaking in a hot bath I was starting to feel the day's drudgery drift away from my body and mind, wrapping a towel around my body I stepped out of the bath and into my bedroom, my heart almost jumped out of my body when I saw John standing in the same room.<
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He looked lost and unsure of how I was going to react and he had every reason to. I could have easily lost my temper and screamed at him to get out, he wasn't welcome and he had no right to come into the house, however, it was still his house and he did have every right to come in, however, entering the bedroom whilst I was in the bath was another matter.
“What are you doing John? I thought I made it perfectly clear on the phone that there was nothing left to talk about, I want an early night and I'm leaving in the morning, end of.”
Fiddling with his keys, John was clearly feeling a little difficult in the circumstances, whether or not he'd expected to find me in a state of undress or finding himself walking into a corrosive atmosphere, it was un-chartered waters for him, in a perverse kind of way it was nice to see him so vulnerable. He walked towards me and put his keys down on the bedside table, hands in pockets, I knew he was anxious.
Rodeo (BBW Cowboy Romance) (BBW Western Romance) Page 6