by Smith, Megan
I’ll never forget that first time I heard Jaylinn have a nightmare. My heart broke, it hurt for my daughter. I heard her scream and ran into her bedroom. I tried pulling her into my arms but that seemed to have made it worse. I didn’t understand at the time why but after she confessed everything that she had gone through in college everything made sense.
When she told me I tried to be strong for her, I tried to hold back the tears but I just couldn’t. When she was finished I just needed to hold her, to keep her safe but I knew in that moment that I wasn’t the only one she needed anymore. That’s when I knew the love she had always had for Cooper ran deeper than any of us realized and I knew my baby girl would be just fine. If anyone loves fiercely it’s Cooper and that is exactly what my girl needed in life.
Jaylinn is and will always be stubborn, relentless, hopeful and loving. I’d like to say she gets all of that from me and I did an okay job of raising my baby girl in this world.
Inhale your future, exhale your past, baby girl, to the grave.
***
“To the grave, Mom, to the grave.”
***
I have to say that Hunter’s children sure like to make grand entrances into this world. First Ryder and now Little Miss Olivia couldn’t let Christmas get away without one more gift. And what a gift that child truly is. She balances Hunter’s family perfectly. She’s the spitting image of her mother but a touch of Hunter, too.
My heart is once again full of so much love.
***
“Your kids sure do know how to make an entrance. I never thought about it until she just mentioned it.” I giggle.
“What can I say; they like to make sure they’re noticed.”
***
Shortly before Christmas I found out that I had lung cancer. It is and will always be one of the worst days of my life. Something deep down inside me knew that it wouldn’t end well for me. What I thought was just a lingering, common cold turned into more and more and more before the true reason came out. After all the tests, more tests than I’ve ever had in my life, it was determined that I wouldn’t ever feel my normal self again.
Stage 3A Lung cancer.
Inoperable.
Fast, advancing cancer.
***
I look off into the distance. I get lost in flashbacks of Mom. “You know, I blame myself some for what happened to Mom.”
“Jay, come one, you had no control over what happened. None of us did or could if we wanted to.”
“No, that’s not what I mean. I mean if I was around more, paid attention more, maybe I could have seen the signs earlier. Maybe then Mom would have had a fighting chance.”
“I could say the same. I knew Mom was sick and I thought it was lasting a lot longer than a normal cold but I never did anything. What if I made her go to the doctors when I noticed? There are always going to be what ifs in our lives, Jay, if mom taught me anything it’s to live in the moment. Deal with what God dealt you the best way you can.”
I start to really sob so Hunter pulls me close and wraps his arms around me. “We still have each other; we both will always carry a piece of mom with us. She’ll forever be a part of our lives no matter what.”
“I know but I just miss her so much, Hunter. It hurts… like physically hurts me that I can’t pick up the phone and hear her voice just one more time.” I continue even though I’m crying so hard. “She never got to meet my daughter.”
“I’m sorry,” Hunter whispers into my hair.
I cry for a few more minutes before pulling myself together. Hunter hands me a few tissues. “This sucks.”
“I agree. Do you want to stop? We don’t have to read the rest. We know the outcome.”
I shake my head. “No, I want to finish. She wrote the rest of this for a reason.”
“Okay, let’s finish up.”
***
Life was moving fast, too fast for me. One thing for sure though was I wasn’t going to ruin what more than likely is my last Christmas with my family. I owed that to them…
***
Well, Christmas didn’t turn out exactly as I planned. By the end of dinner I had a blinding headache and all I wanted to do was get home before I raised any red flags but my body had other ideas.
Hunter, MacKenzie, and the kids were taking me home and a coughing fit started. I knew with the headache I already had I was going to pass out. I tried to fight it off before everything faded to black and when the darkness disappeared I was lying in the cold snow with Hunter looming over me. The pure panic in his eyes made me want to turn into myself because I knew my family was about to find out the secret I had been keeping.
I promised to both of my kids that I was going to fight with everything I had in me and that was what I’m going to do with them by my side.
***
“I wish she would have told us instead of trying to hide it.” I mutter.
“Yeah, but you know how Mom is. She always put everyone first.”
***
At times things get overwhelming me but one thing I need to make sure of is that Jaylinn will be taken care of. I needed that one last thing before I could go peacefully. And I got it thanks to Cooper.
***
I smile brightly. I love that man for making sure that my mom knew I would be taken care of.
***
I remember opening the door one afternoon shortly after Layla had passed away. I was actually feeling pretty well that day with the new medicine that the doctors had me on but I felt like I could run a marathon after the news I was delivered.
My baby girl was going to be a mommy.
I was shocked because I knew they wanted to settle down first before planning kids but nothing in life is ever planned perfectly. I prayed that night so hard that I would still be around for when she gave birth. The way I was feeling that day gave me a great deal of hope, too.
***
I’ll never forget the day that my baby girl walked into my bedroom and told me she was getting married in two weeks. I was over the moon because I would get to see her do that. I could make it at least that long. If my last wish was going to be for anything, it was that. And then she asked me to walk her down the aisle which meant the world to me. With my health slipping by so fast I’m blessed to be able to be here for that.
***
“I guess I should be thankful that Mom made it to the wedding, right. At least she was a part of that and I’m so grateful.”
“We’re both grateful that we got Mom as long as we did, Jay.”
“I just have to remind myself of all the good things she was able to take part in and not the sad ones that she missed.”
“That’s exactly what you need to do.”
***
I never told my kids about the conversation I had with Brittany when she came to see me in the hospital. I was completely taken aback when she pushed open my hospital door that day. She was the last person I was expecting to show up.
She started off apologizing for what I was going through. I said there was no need, that it wasn’t her fault. And she apologized throughout our whole conversation even for things she had no control over like her father.
Hunter never flat-out told me that she was the one who caused MacKenzie’s accident. My blood pressure alarm sounded when she told me about it but then I took some deep calming breaths and reminded myself that MacKenzie and the baby turned out to be okay.
I asked Brittany to tell me a little about growing up with Jason. How he treated her and things like that. She couldn’t even mention his name without anger flaring in her eyes so without a doubt I think he brainwashed his daughter like he tried doing with me. I related to Brittany when she was telling me some of the horrible things he did, how he was never around when she needed him, when he couldn’t be bothered to be the father that she needed.
It didn’t make it right for some of the nasty things she did in her life and I think with the help of the therapist that she is seeing she’ll be okay.
Redemption is possible for some but not everyone. I think she can redeem herself. Maybe not with my children but moving forward. She can change the person she was. I forgive her for what she did to my family but I’ll never forget it either.
Brittany sees herself as broken but she’s not. She’s just lost and needs to find the light again. Even she deserves to be loved by the right person.
***
“I’ll never be able to forget what she did to my wife, no matter what or for any of the other shitty things she’s done.”
“And Mom doesn’t blame you or me for that but she we can forgive her. Just remember that she had to grow up living with Jason. We, the three of us, share the same father. I can forgive her for what she did so that I can move on with my life.”
“It’s hard for me, Jay. I almost lost my wife and son all because of some jealousy. She could have taken my life from me before I even got it.”
“And it’s okay for it to be hard, but forgive her for you. Forgive her so that you can move on.”
He sits and thinks about that for a while. “I can do that but only because I need to move on. It won’t ever change the way I feel about her but I can forgive her for myself.”
“And that’s all Mom would want.”
***
This is the end for me, my time is nearing. I’m tired of fighting against my body that is doing everything in its power to work against me.
One of the hardest parts for me is leaving before the delivery of my baby girl’s first baby. I wanted to go with the picture of her smiling face when she looked down on her own baby for the very first time.
I’m going to go smiling though because I know I did a wonderful job raising my two children. If I had to leave my two babies with one last life lesson it is to always love with all your heart in everything you do and everything will be okay.
This isn’t goodbye it’s just a see you later.
I love you my sweet, handsome, baby boy.
I love you my gorgeous, strong, baby girl.
PS. I have set up a trust fund for each of the grandchildren. It’s not much but it’ll be a start on their college educations. My lawyer has all the details and Elle can help you both with this. Please make sure they know how much I loved them.
***
When I flip to the last page, a picture of Mom holding Ryder, Olivia, and a framed ultrasound picture is taped to it with a little message underneath that says, “I love you more than you’ll ever know. XOXO Grandma.”
“Well, that was bittersweet.” Hunter says as he kicks up his feet on the table.
“Yeah, it was. I’m glad she did this for us. Gave us answers to some of the unanswered questions we had.”
“She certainly answered a lot, as painful as it was for our hearts to read about what she went through. Just remember what she said about always loving with your whole heart.”
“Yes, always love with your whole heart.”
Acknowledgements
This is bittersweet for me. The Love Series is what started me on this journey of writing and I’m sad to see them go. I’ll miss them just as much as you will miss them, probably even more. Who knows, maybe one day in the future the kids will get books. I make no promises but we’ll see what the future holds.
First, I’d like to thank my husband for his endless support. Thank you for understanding that some things have to fall to the side to get a book done and never judging me for it.
To my babies, thank you for being you. Thank you for our little moments together, your sweet smiles and your belly laughter. Thank you for understanding that Mommy has a deadline and Daddy has to take over for a bit to get things done. I love you both to the moon and back.
Elaine, thank you for your quick work on this. As always you came through for me again. THANK YOU! And thank you for being such a good friend and a listener. XOXO
Linda, thank you and your team for helping me get the word out about the last installment of the Love Series. I couldn’t do it without you. And thank you for being an amazing friend and always looking out for me. XOXO
For all the bloggers who help me spread the love about Always Love You, thank you for everything. I can’t ever tell you how grateful I am for you all!!!
Mobsters: Thank you for all your hard work! All your love and support is appreciated so much!
And last but never least, a huge thank you to the readers who took a chance with Trying Not To Love You and following through all of the characters ups and downs in their life’s journey.
XOXO,
Megan
About the Author
USA TODAY bestselling author Megan Smith is a New Jersey native who creates the memorable characters her fans have grown to adore.
Smith is a wife and mother, who makes time for her family, professional life and the creation of the characters. Fans of The Love Series - Trying Not To Love You, Easy To Love You, Hard To Love You, Let Me Love You, A Christmas To Love You, Made To Love You, Need To Love You and Always Love You - are captivated by relationships, special bonds and family ties pervasive in Smith’s emotional, energized, and engaging work.
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Other Books by Megan Smith
Trying Not To Love You (Book 1, The Love Series)
Easy To Love You (Book 2, The Love Series)
Hard To Love You (Book 3, The Love Series)
Let Me Love You (Book 4, The Love Series)
A Christmas To Love You (Book 4.5, The Love Series)
Made To Love You, (Book 5, The Love Series)
Need To Love You, (Book 6, The Love Series)
Stay For Me, A Love Series Spin-Off
Finding Us (Book 1, Finding Series)
Finding Ours (Book 2, Finding Series)
Surviving Regret