My heart catches in my throat. Breathe, Haylee. Just breathe. There is no sign that he ever lived here.
No one has noticed that I was here, so I can easily make my escape. I turn and place my hand on the doorknob to run when I hear a door opening behind me. Shit.
“Hey, Hails,” I hear the deep voice call out behind me, and I close my eyes.
What I wouldn’t give to turn around and see my brother standing there in the doorway in jeans and one of his many classic T-shirts—the T-shirts that were all packed up the last time I was here, most of those with Dani, wherever she may be now.
I feel a hand brush my shoulder, pulling me out of my thoughts, but it catches me off-guard and I jump back, my back slamming into the door.
“Oh shit, are you okay?”
I step away from the door, rubbing my back where the knob hit me. “Yeah, sorry. I was…”
I look up and my eyes meet Kyler’s. I can see why Cami finds him attractive; he just doesn’t do it for me. But it’s not Kyler’s good looks that distracted me. I see past him at the open door behind him. My brother’s room. I shake that thought from my head. It’s not my brother’s room anymore; it’s Kyler’s. He lives here. Kyler notices that something has grabbed my attention and follows my eyes to behind him.
“Shit,” he mutters under his breath. Turning back around, he looks at me with sorrow in his eyes. Without having to say anything, he understands why I’m uncomfortable. “Are you okay?”
I nod. I’m afraid that if I open my mouth to say anything, the wrong thing will come out. It’s not that I’m mad that he lives with Zach—really, I’m not. He’s a great guy, and I’m happy Zach has him. It’s just that I miss my brother. Will that pain ever go away? Can I ever be in this apartment and not think of the last time I was here, packing up my brother’s life?
I’m quickly pulled into Kyler’s arms into a big hug. See? How can I not like this guy? He never knew my brother. He barely knows me, but here he is comforting me. I can’t help but allow a stray tear to fall down my cheek. Oh, Cami would be so mad if I messed up the makeup she did.
A throat clearing tears us both apart, and we turn to face Zach standing there, his hair still damp from the shower.
“Now Hails, if I’m not allowed to sleep with your roommate, then you can’t sleep with mine.”
I choke out a laugh as I wipe the tears away.
“Oh shit, are you crying? Ky, what the fuck did you do?”
“Hey, don’t look at me.” Kyler backs up and throws his hands up innocently, then heads to the kitchen while I make my way to the bathroom to clean myself up.
Zach grabs my arm. “Hey, are you okay? What’s going on?”
The color has left his face, and his eyes are full of concern.
“I’m fine, really.” Seeing his jaw tense at my choice of words, I continue. “It’s just that it’s the first time I’ve been here since we…”
I look down at my feet. Just admitting that to him, I’m ready to lose it again.
Zach looks up straight toward Ky’s room. He grips the back of his neck nervously, and his face goes pale. “Shit, I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry, Hails. I’m an asshole.”
I touch his arm. “No. I mean, yes, you are.” I can’t hold back my laughter, and I look up to him with playful eyes while he is still serious-looking. “But I should have told you that it was weird. You always ask me to be honest, and I should have been.”
Silence overtakes the apartment as I stare at Zach and wait for an answer.
He pulls me into a hug, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. “I just don’t want you to ever keep anything from me, okay? I let my sister do that, and well, look at how it…”
Kyler cuts him off before he can finish that sentence, joining us in the living room. “You know, we can totally cancel tonight, order some food and stay in. Whatever you guys want to do.”
I’m really starting to like Kyler. He came into our lives in the middle of chaos and is a genuinely caring guy.
Zach and I break apart. “No, I want to go out. Zach promised me the full college experience of a party where I’m finally a student.” I wink at him, and he lets out a deep laugh. “Let me just freshen up a little, and I’ll be ready to go.”
Zach nods as I make my way to the bathroom, and he heads toward the kitchen.
After wiping the smeared makeup and fixing my hair a little, I make my way to the kitchen where I find Zach and Kyler waiting with three shot glasses full of a clear liquid in front of them.
Kyler hands me one before picking up his own.
Zach holds his in the air. “To a new year, new lays, and new friendships.”
“Seriously? You’re so disgusting.” I roll my eyes before downing my shot of tequila.
After Ky slams his empty glass on the countertop, he places his hand on my shoulder. “Oh Hails, you have no idea.”
Three months later…
It’s been three hundred and sixty-five days since I lost my best friend. I miss his laugh, his goofy smile…fuck, I even miss the way he looked at my sister. When I lost him, I lost her—it just took six months to lose her physically.
It’s been months of texting and calling with no response. How can you just cut the people you love the most out of your life without looking back? I know she’s hurting, and maybe I don’t get it because I may not have lost the love of my life, but I did lose my best friend, and that doesn’t feel too good either.
I tossed and turned all night last night, debating whether to reach out today. I mean, she won’t pick up on a typical day; why would she today, of all days? I could have called, but with texting I’m able to get more out without being cut off by the stupid voicemail.
Me: I told myself I wasn’t going to do this today, but here I am reaching out knowing that you will ignore this. Dani, I know you are hurting today and every day for the past year, but come the fuck home.
Me: Whatever you are facing and battling, we can do it together. We are headed to the cemetery around 10, and then Mom is having lunch at the house. I don’t know where you are, but please come home. If not for you, then for me, for Haylee, for the Hankses. We all need you for fuck’s sake. I miss him too you know.
Me: Please just answer me. I’m going out of my mind that you are out there somewhere by yourself and you won’t let me help you. I’m your big brother and I’m supposed to protect you from all things big and bad and I couldn’t protect you from this, so I feel as though I’ve failed you. D, I didn’t want to do all of this over text, but I know that you wouldn’t answer if I called you, and I would be limited on what I could say via voicemail.
Me: I have to have faith that you are actually reading these texts and not just ignoring them. I need you today and every day, Danielle. Please, I’m begging you. I love you, sis.
I wait and wait, but responses never come. Then again, I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised. I had told Haylee that I would drive home today. Haylee and I have spent a lot of time together the past few months—going to parties, studying, and leaning on each other whenever we have a hard day. I guess you could say it’s a perk of having her here; she’s someone who knows what it’s like to go through what’s playing in my mind. Some days I don’t think I would be able to get through without her.
Looking at my phone, I see that I need to head over to the dorms to pick her up so we are on time. I finish my coffee and place the mug in the sink before grabbing my keys and walking out the door.
We don’t talk much the entire ride there; both of us aren’t ready for the emotions that today will bring up. Haylee stares out the window while I grip the steering wheel so tight, I think I might break it. Why did he have to die?
Pulling into the cemetery, I have flashbacks of doing this last year, taking my best friend to his final resting spot. I pull in behind the Hankses’ SUV.
“You ready?” I look over at Haylee, and for the first time since I picked her up, her eyes meet mine, and it breaks me in half.
I give her a weak smile because honestly, I’m right there with her. I would like to forget what today is and why we’re here, forget that he died, not because I want to forget him, but because I want him to be alive.
Before I can reach out and grab her hand to give her a reassuring squeeze, she exits the Jeep and walks toward where our parents stand. I take a deep breath and get out to follow her. A part of me hopes that I’ll see my sister standing there waiting for us, but as I approach the gravestone and see only my parents and Haylee’s, I know she isn’t coming.
I hug both my parents, along with Natalie and Brian. Haylee stands back away from the crowd while her parents say some words and a prayer. Finally, Haylee walks up to the grave and places the flowers down that we had stopped for along the way. I watch her shoulders fall, and her head drops as tears rip through her body. I can’t take this anymore. I take the few steps to close the distance and wrap her in my arms, pulling her body against mine. She cries into my chest, and I go back in time to the many times Dani cried in my arms. Knowing my sister is alone today breaks the remaining pieces of my heart.
We all stand there in silence. I run my fingers down her hair as if it is the natural thing to do. Once she has calmed down, Haylee slowly backs out of my arms, and a weird feeling overwhelms me—I instantly miss her touch. I try to shake off the feeling as Haylee stands next to me. Our fingers accidentally brush with our close standing, and instead of pulling back as I would typically do, I do the last thing I expect and take her hand in mine, wrapping my fingers around hers. I don’t even think twice about holding Haylee’s hand. As our parents talk, I don’t even realize that I’m brushing my thumb over her knuckles in a soothing way. Today is the third-worst day of my life, and just her touch alone is somehow easing the pain. I don’t know what this feeling is, but part of me doesn’t want it to leave.
We share memories of Emmett, some causing us to laugh while others bring on more tears from missing him more. After a while, we decide it’s time head back to the cars. I acknowledge to my parents that we will see them back at the house for lunch. Haylee and I stand toe to toe at my Jeep as both sets of parents climb into the SUV parked in front of us and drive off.
I look down at my feet and am startled by the fact I haven’t let go of her hand yet, but then again, she hasn’t let go of mine either. Is it strange that I like her hand in mine? Yes, it is bizarre. I mean, this is Haylee Hanks.
I try to shake off the feeling. Our eyes meet, and I notice that her eyes are as blue as the ocean. The way the sun is shining down on us, she looks like an angel. I become completely consumed by my thoughts.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
Oh shit, how was I looking at her?
“Sorry, it’s just been a long day.”
That was the stupidest response ever. Of course she knows that. What the hell is wrong with me?
She takes her hand out of mine, and I mourn the loss, but then she wraps her arms around my waist and tucks her face into my chest. My heart begins to beat faster, and the sadness I felt all day is eased by her closeness. I rest my cheek against the top of her head and find myself smelling her shampoo. Okay, seriously, what the fuck? I am way in over my head here.
Me: Happy New Year Dani. I hope this year brings you whatever peace you are looking for. I miss you.
“So, what’s up with you and Hottie McHotterson?” Cami asks as I fold the clothes from my bag and put them back in my dresser.
She sits on her bed, facing me with her legs crossed under her and a bowl of taco dip in her lap. Her platinum-blonde and purple hair is up on top of her head in a messy bun.
Zach just dropped me off after our winter break. It was a nice change to be away from the dorms, but being home wasn’t easy either. It was the second Christmas without Emmett and our first without Dani. There was a giant elephant in the room that no one wanted to talk about. Kelly and Adam had tried to get ahold of Dani with no such luck.
I wish I knew where she was, but she hasn’t been returning any of my calls or texts either. Doesn’t mean I haven’t continued to try. Somehow, I know that when she is ready, she will answer…I hope. I would give anything for a movie night, Katy Perry jam session, or hell, just a damn hug from my best friend.
“I wish you would stop calling him that. He has a name, you know.”
“Yeah. Whatever. What’s up with you two? I always see you together, and he is one fine piece of ass. Like seriously, I’d climb that like a tree.” She takes a chip and scoops it into the dip before shoving the entire thing in her mouth.
This girl could live off taco dip and ramen. I let out a laugh at how crass she is. This girl is one hundred percent insane, but I have to say I love her. She has made the whole college experience pretty interesting, that’s for sure. I thought Dani and I didn’t have a filter, and then I met this one right here. I shake my head because, well, she’s insane if she thinks something is going on between us.
“Oh my God! Do you have to be so…so…”
“Truthful? I mean, seriously, how have you not sucked, fucked, and rode him off into the sunset?”
If I had had a drink in my mouth, I would have spit it all over her.
“Yeah, I think you’ve been smoking a little too much, Cami. I’ve known him my whole life; we’re just friends. He’s kind of taken on the role of pseudo big brother, watching out for me since—” I close my eyes and exhale a harsh breath. “—Em died. Sometimes it’s annoying, but others, it’s nice to know that there’s someone who cares. There is definitely nothing more going on there. That’s just gross. He’s probably slept with half the girls on campus.”
I finish putting my clothes away and sit on the edge of my bed, facing her. I fold my hands together, starting to fidget at the mention of my brother. I hope one day it will get easier when he comes into the conversation. I still have to fight back the tears. Sometimes the feeling gets to be so much that I don’t even fight to hold my tears back and just let them fall. This is one of those moments. I take a deep breath, count to three, and blow it out.
“So, then you won’t mind if I ask him out?”
“What?” I sit up straight, and my body tenses. “No, no way! I already gave him the warning to keep his hands to himself.”
It’s her turn to be surprised. “What! Why would you do that?”
“Cami, once he sleeps with a girl, he doesn’t call her again. I’m pretty sure if you looked up manwhore in a dictionary, there would be a picture of Zachary Brian Jacobs. I’m just saying. If he sleeps with you, do you know how awkward that would make things here? We could never hang out here, and it would be awkward with him trying to avoid you. I’ve already lost one Jacobs out of my life. I refuse to lose another one because you both can’t keep it in your pants.”
She holds her hands up innocently. “Okay. Okay. You have a point. Doesn’t mean I can’t ogle him every time he’s here.”
I roll my eyes at her.
“Hey, at least admit he’s hot!”
“I mean, yeah, he’s good-looking, but he’s Zach. That’s just…that’s just…”
What word am I looking for here exactly? I’m not sure. Zach is very attractive, but all you have to do is ask him, and he’ll agree. Modesty is definitely not one of Zach’s traits.
“Exactly. It’s just the truth. Zach Jacobs is hot.”
“Whatever. You’re insane.”
“This is probably true, but…” She elongates her but, and oh Lord, here we go. “If you’re not banging him, are you at least banging that good-looking friend of his?”
“Oh my God, I can’t with you! Go get laid!”
We both burst into a fit of laughter as she responds, “I’m trying to, but you’re over here clam jamming me.”
“I’m sorry—I’m what?”
“Clam jamming…you know, the female equivalent of cockblocking.”
“Who are you and where the fuck d
id you come from?” I can tell that even with her craziness, Cami and I will be friends for a long time, and I could use all the friends I can get these days.
“Dani, for fuck’s sake, you need to cut this shit out and come home. You’re being a bitch making Mom worry about you. We’re all worried about you. Just let someone know you’re fucking alive.”
I slowly walk toward the bathroom to take a shower after an intense workout. I definitely overdid it, and my body will probably hate me tomorrow, but it needed to work out all those holiday and birthday treats. I turn the water on and strip off my sweaty clothes, dumping them in a pile on the floor. I step into the shower and let the warm water wash away the dirt, sweat, and insanity.
The mintiness of the tea tree shampoo wakes me up as I massage it through my hair. I close my eyes and press my palms to the cold tile wall and hang my head so that the water can rinse the soap from my head and body. While the water feels great, I know what will feel even better. My body needs a release. That’s exactly what I need. With one hand still against the wall, I grip my cock and begin to stroke it, closing my eyes and letting the fantasy take over.
Walking up behind her, pressing my body against hers, I trace my hands up her arms slowly, leaving goose bumps in their tracks. Her left arm reaches back, gripping my neck as my fingers slowly trail down her breasts, the water dripping down her hard nipples. The soft moans coming from her mouth go straight to my dick. My erection presses up against her ass. As she slowly turns around, her hand grazes down my abs, her nails pressing into my skin as her hand lowers to my dick the same time she falls to her knees.
My breath quickens, matching the pace of my hand. “Oh shit,” I quietly say, trying to keep my voice down.
Even though her hands are petite, her fingers wrap around my erection. My head falls back with my eyes closed, enjoying the feeling as her hand strokes my hard cock back and forth. Her thumb brushes the tip, ever so slightly teasing me before she replaces her thumb with her tongue, causing my body to jolt. As I look down, I meet the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen, lashes wet with water from the shower, but they don’t belong to a faceless stranger. Nope, they belong to Haylee.
I Never Expected You Page 6