by Heart,Skylar
“Definitely.” She walks in front of me, starting a waterfall of chatter about the shops she wants to visit and clothes she wants to try on. I only half-listen, too busy counting what I’ve had today and considering if I maybe need to get a bottle of water and how I can sneak in a snack without anyone seeing it.
“You worry me sometimes.” Hunter’s low voice behind me startles me. He sounds… troubled.
My heart beats fast as my breath catches in my throat. Why? When I swivel around to face him, he’s already walking off, my only view his retreating back. The strong muscles that I had my hands on just earlier this week, the back that I clung to in a moment of weakness.
The one covered in big black bruises.
“Lizzy?” Hanna steps next to me. “What’s wrong?” She pulls my shoulder and turns me to her. “Are you crying?”
I shake my head. Of course I’m not. Why would I be?
But when Hanna reaches out, touching my cheek for a moment, and pulls her fingers back, they’re covered in black smudges.
Fuck.
“Liz…” She shakes her head. “Are you sure you’re up for shopping? We can go another time.”
“I’m not made of glass.” My voice comes out way louder than I mean it to.
“I never said you were.” She frowns as her eyes dart around. Of course, now I make her feel awkward to be seen with me in public.
“I’m sorry. Maybe it’s better if I go home.” I pull my bag up higher. “Talk to you later?”
Hanna nods. “I’ll call you over the weekend.”
I start walking away, to the bus stop, as I text Lola. Maybe she is off early and we can go home together, though I don’t expect it.
As I step out the door, Hunter is standing near the stairs, next to his bike. “Lizzy.”
His voice makes me want to do nothing but wrap my arms around him and disappear against his chest. But I can’t. I can’t be involved with him, for both our sakes. “No.” My voice is stronger than I feel. “Fuck off.” He doesn’t get to make me feel like this and then act like nothing happened.
I don’t look his way again, my focus fully on getting home. On hiding in my room all weekend and not having to talk to anyone. Silence, rest, all the good things.
Monday morning comes way too soon. I’ve spent most of the weekend at home, wrapped in a blanket, reading books and watching TV. Lola tried to get me out of the house at some point, but luckily gave up. It’s not that I didn’t want to do anything, but my mood wasn’t the best. I tried drawing and painting, but nothing happened other than lots of black pencil and paint, and I’ve made enough paintings of only black and darkness that I quickly quit when I realized where I was going.
I pull my clothes on and walk down the steps from my bedroom to my living space. I turn on the coffee machine and drop in a pod to maybe wake me up some more. Then I slump down in my chair and scroll through my phone, looking at images and texts on social media until the machine has stopped making sounds.
I carefully stand up again and grab the coffee before I shuffle to the couch and curl up there.
A knock on the door makes me look up. Lola.
“Is it okay if I come in?” She stands in the doorway, uncertain. I probably wasn’t the best sister this weekend.
“Yeah, come on in. Grab a coffee.” I try my best to smile at her, because it’s not her fault and she’s always trying to take care of me, make me feel better.
She tips a pod into the machine and puts a cup under it. We’re silent while she waits for her coffee to be ready, then comes over and sits down next to me on the couch. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m fine.” There isn’t really anything wrong. I’m just not really feeling up for the week.
“Have you had breakfast yet?” Her voice is careful, and while I love her, I hate her for asking it.
But I shake my head, a truthful answer. “Not yet. I just woke up.”
“You want me to get you something?” She’s nearly off the couch before I grab her.
“Not yet. At least let me wake up and have a coffee first.” I cradle the cup in my hands, the liquid still too hot to drink.
Lola sits down again, moving nervously.
“What’s wrong?” She’s normally not this tense, even if I’m not in a good mood.
“It’s just… You’ve been a bit distant lately. We’re worried.” She looks at her hands and I reach out, taking one of hers. We’re worried—code for, Our parents sent me here to check on you.
“I’m okay, it’s just been a rough week.” I hold her hand, squeezing so she’ll look up at me. “I’m really okay.” Just tired, tired of trying to avoid Hunter, tired of constantly feeling on edge.
“Okay. Is everything okay in class? Nothing bad?” College life, the easier subject to talk about.
“Yeah, homework is kicking my ass though. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken art history and literature in the same semester. Lots of reading.” I can’t help but smile. Even with one class fewer than the recommendations, I’m slowly drowning.
“If you need any help, I’m here, you know that.”
“Thanks. I know. It’s just… lots of reading and stuff like that. It’s not hard, just a lot.”
“It doesn’t help that you spend most days in the workshop either.” She smiles at me. “You still haven’t shown me what you’re working on there.”
She’s been wanting to see the workshop since the start of the year, but I’ve been avoiding it the whole time. The workshop is my place, my thing that others don’t know about. But maybe I need to share it with Lola—she’ll understand. “Fine…” I sigh and Lola grins.
“Finally.” She stands up, putting her cup down. “How about today?”
“Today?” I frown up at her. I don’t need to be in for class until two and I don’t really want to hang out at the workshop before then. I don’t want to risk running into Hunter. Not when I’ve got my beautiful sister with me. I may not be a good match for him, but she’d be perfect and I want to keep him to myself for just a little longer. Even when I shouldn’t. On the other hand, I guess that ripping the bandage off sooner rather than later may be the best idea.
“Yeah. I’m curious what you’re working on and I’ve got time before class.” She dawdles around the kitchen. “So, what are you having for breakfast?”
I close my eyes, taking a deep breath. I don’t really want any breakfast. I’m not feeling up to today really. But with Lola around, I can’t get out of it. “A banana and yogurt, please.”
“That all?” She starts pulling things out of cupboards.
“Fine, add some muesli.”
“That all, then?” Now I hear the smile in her voice.
“Yes, that’s all.” It’s perfectly acceptable for breakfast, about three hundred calories.
Lola starts measuring out the different ingredients. I trust her implicitly. I know that she won’t differ from what I would normally make and eat. So there is no harm in letting her make my breakfast for me. “You want to eat it there, or here?” Lola turns around, a bowl in her hands.
“There.” I prefer eating at the table. I slowly get up, and grab the arm of the couch. Whoa. Lightheaded.
Lola looks at me as I make my way over to the table. “You okay?”
“I’m fine.” I sit down in the chair and look at the bowl and the banana in front of me. Then I put the spoon into the bowl and slowly start to eat. At the first mouthful, I already know that this isn’t going to be an easy day. Not by far.
Great…
I struggle through every bite, eating the breakfast even though I don’t want to. But I know that I can’t not eat breakfast, not just for my body, but also for my sanity.
“Lizzy…” Lola’s voice is careful. “Is everything okay? You seem… off.”
“I don’t really feel like starting this week.” Or today… But I guess I can’t get around it now.
“I know what that feels like.” She runs her hand over my back as she takes the
bowl and the banana peel. “But it’s happening anyway.”
“Yeah.” I stand up. “I guess that I should grab my things then? See you at the car?”
Lola shows me a sad smile. “No car today, Dad had to borrow it. We’re going by bus.”
So that is why she wanted me to come along, she didn’t want to be alone in the bus. “Fine, fine.” It’s not that I don’t normally go by bus anyway. I walk around the place, grabbing things for class and other items I need to take with me. All the while, my stomach acts up and my energy drains instead of getting better. But I need to go, I can’t keep skipping classes. “Okay, I’m ready to go.”
We make our way to the bus stop, just a block from our house. Lola isn’t one to just start chattering and I’m not really in a talkative mood today either. So we walk along in silence. It doesn’t take long for the bus to show up and we get on. Lola sits down in a seat right next to the door and I sit down next to her. It’s the spot I always try to take, easy to get off the bus.
“So… can you at least give me a hint of what you’re working on?” Lola looks at me and I smile.
I’ve been working on a couple of things, mostly just paintings but also a couple of drawings, choosing to work on whatever inspires me at that moment. “Art.” I grin.
Lola rolls her eyes as she smiles. “Well, I assumed as much. I didn’t think you were working on boys in there.” Her voice is light, and I’m sure she meant it as a joke, but it immediately makes my mind go places it shouldn’t be going. Like Hunter.
The bus makes a turn and I tense, my whole body suddenly really aware of itself. I swallow hard, trying to keep my breath steady, but my heart starts racing. This is bad. I break out in a cold sweat and grab hold of my bag tightly. It’s only a few more streets until the university. Just a few more.
“Lizzy.” Lola reaches out and touches my face. “You’re looking very gray. Can you make it until the university?”
I nod. I have to, I don’t want to get off early, but the cold sweats are not going down and I don’t know if I can make it that far.
After another turn, when my stomach really makes itself known, I grab for the stop button. I need to get off now.
Lola grabs my hand, holding on tight, giving me her strength, giving me the strength to go on a little longer.
As soon as I see the bus stop I stand up, stepping closer to the door so I can get off as soon as possible.
The bus slows down and comes to a stop. The doors open, and I step out, but somewhere between the bus and the street, my vision goes dark, first at the edges and then fully.
My body collides with the rough concrete floor as I faint right in the street.
Chapter 10
Hunter
I sit down on one of the chairs in the workshop’s main space, a drawing pad in my hand, a pencil playing between my fingers. It’s quiet, which is what I like about coming here on a Monday morning. My thoughts have been going back to last week the whole time I’ve been here. The dress I designed for Lizzy, the dress that is now hiding in the back of my closet. I couldn’t get rid of it—she looked great in it. So much more alive. I let out a sigh. I’m hoping that the weekend will have helped Lizzy. She looked a little rough last Friday, but I guess I probably didn’t look much better.
I know that I was overstepping a boundary, but this not seeing or talking to each other isn’t helping either, this isn’t a solution. When she comes here, we’ll have to talk. I can’t do this for another week. I like working together with her, I like being friends with her, and if that means that we need to set rules, I guess that can’t be helped.
The door opens and I hear Tamara come in, her block heels making a distinctive sound on the tiles in the hallway. Then she opens the door, looking around. When her eyes fall on me, she frowns before she fakes a smile. “Hunter.” Her voice is forced light.
“Morning.” I look at her, but she turns away, walking towards her little office. “Have you seen Lizzy yet? She’s normally in by now.” At least, she has been for the last couple of weeks. I hope I didn’t make her stay away… She seems to like the quiet Monday mornings the best too.
Tamara stills, which makes me look at her more carefully. “Um…” She turns to me. “Yeah, I saw her.”
“And?” Something is up.
“She, um, fainted as she got off the bus. I saw it happen. She’s fine otherwise, but I just drove her home.” Tamara doesn’t look at me, instead standing with her back to me.
She what? Lizzy fainted and that didn’t seem important? Or maybe it did, and that was why Tamara made a beeline for her office. “Did she say anything? Like, why it happened?”
“Not really. It just happens with her sometimes. Her being ill and all.” Tamara tries to shrug it off. But I know that it’s an act, and she knows I don’t believe her. “If she hasn’t talked to you about it, I’m not saying anything. You know that would be breaking my promise to her. The same promise I made to you.”
I nod, but my heart is racing. Lizzy is really sick. Of course, that was obvious from the start, but I guess I underestimated how much it actually influenced her. She’s been having those dizzy spells more often in the last week, even I could see that. And I never said anything. What if I could have prevented this if I had just talked to her, instead of being a smartass last week and messing everything up?
I stand up and put the pad and the pencils down. I can’t just stay here, I need to see her. Just knowing that she isn’t feeling well makes my heart ache. Dammit.
“Hunter.” Tamara is now close.
“I’m going to see her.” I grab my jacket and my bag.
“I’m not sure…” Tamara reaches out to stop me. “I don’t know if that is a good idea.”
“I need to make sure she’s okay.” That she isn’t alone.
“Her sister is with her, she’ll be fine. After last week, I’m not sure this would be the best idea.”
“I do think it’s a good idea.” The best idea I’ve had in a week. We can’t keep avoiding each other, and I know that, at least partially, this is my fault. I stalk out of the workshop, grabbing my bike that I parked right outside the door and push it closer to the road before I get on.
I kick off and speed as fast as is legally allowed down the street. I need to do this. There is no way around it.
It’s only then that I realize I’ve got no idea of her actual address. We’ve always met up on campus, and even when we ran into each other in the forest, I only saw it from the back. So, I guess I’ll need to drive around the edge of the neighborhood until I find the path that leads to her home.
I focus on the road. I can’t get into trouble now, not when I need to speak to Lizzy, not when I need to make sure that she’s okay.
After a couple of minutes I reach the edge of her neighborhood and I take the path that leads around the back, between the neighborhood and the forest. I slow down—this isn’t a road that’s meant for motorbikes. It’s mostly bicycles and a few cars that drive here. But most of all, I know that a lot of people walk their dogs around here, so it isn’t safe to speed. I slow down as I reach the path where Lizzy and I came out of the woods, where I can get into the neighborhood.
I kill the engine and get off, taking off the helmet. It’s quiet around here, just the sounds of the wind, the birds and a few dogs and kids. But other than that… It’s almost serene in comparison to my studio in the city. I start pushing the bike between the houses. It’s slow going—the bike is heavy—but I keep at it. I’m not leaving it out here, so I’ll need to take it with me.
After a couple of corners I see the house and the garage where Lizzy lives. In comparison to the house, the garage is only tiny. But I guess that doesn’t matter. She has a place of her own, a place where she can be alone and not surrounded by people. I get that need. I totally get it.
I park the bike and look around, then lock the bike and my helmet to it. It looks like it will stay dry and I don’t think it can do much harm out here. I make my way
over to the door, knocking on it, only to find it open.
“I’m upstairs.” Lizzy’s voice weakly floats down the stairs.
I look around the place—it’s definitely a garage, or used to be anyway. The place is now separated into a living and a dining space, with a set of stairs going up to what I assume is her bedroom.
I put my bag down and shrug off my jacket. No use dragging those up the stairs. I slowly make my way up the stairs. There is a door, it’s slightly ajar. On the white surface of the door are a few multicolored letters spelling out Lizzy. I knock on the door. “Lizzy, it’s me.”
Lizzy gasps. There are some sounds, and then her voice. “Come on in.”
I open the door to a small bedroom. Lizzy’s bed is on one side and there is a little walking space around the edges of it, but not much. The whole room is painted a light lilac, which makes me smile despite myself. I never expected lilac in Lizzy’s room.
“Why are you here?” Lizzy doesn’t sound as amused. She sounds confused, and annoyed.
I look at her. She’s so pale, she looks so frail. “I heard you weren’t feeling well, so I came to see how you were.” I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t the cause of this.
She just looks at me and I carefully make my way around the bed to a chair in the corner of the room, not too far away but also not right next to the door.
“You fainted on your way to class?” I glance at her. I don’t want to hurt her, but I also want to know she’s okay.
She nods, still that confused look on her face.
“Are you okay?”
She still doesn’t say anything, just nods. I’m imposing on her. She wants me out of here. But at the same time, the way she glances at me, it’s not all that she wants. And I’m obviously getting on her nerves.
“Is it because of… you know…” I move my hands. I don’t really know what I want to say. Because of me? Because I stressed you out? Because I said something wrong?
I can see the exact moment that her confusion turns to anger, the way her eyes narrow, the way that her jaw sets. “Because of what?” She lets out an impatient huff. “Say it.”