by SM Olivier
“Huh?” I asked, feeling lost in all the back and forth.
“She likes Moscato,” Madison chirped up. “Any kind of Moscato.”
In truth, I never had wine, so I wouldn’t know. I let Madison choose those types of things for me. She’d never steered me wrong yet when it came to alcohol.
“Okay,” Zane said with a crooked smile. “I’ll let her know.”
“I’ll come help with dinner,” Madison volunteered.
“Lucas doesn’t like me, does he?” I narrowed my eyes on Madison. She had jumped in way too quickly to help out. She hated anything domestic.
“Umm, maybe a little.” She winced. “I don’t think he realized it until you left, though.”
“He lost his chance,” Golden grumbled. “Now, let’s get this party started.”
I was still somewhat in a daze as I followed Golden and Paxton out of the room. What was I going to do about Lucas? I loved my friend, but I couldn’t reciprocate his feelings.
●
Kyler and Crew’s back yard was an oasis, of sorts. They had a stone patio with an outdoor kitchen made of stone, complete with countertop space, sink, flat-top grill, and a standard, grated grill. There was a water feature with a koi pond nearby. Beneath a wooden pergola with lights, was an eight-person dining set, and a large fire pit sat in the middle of the patio, circled with natural stones. It was currently lit, and the fire within roaring away.
All in all, it was a beautiful night to have a back-yard barbecue. I was currently perched on one of the countertops, sitting next to Madison and Renee as Kyler and Lochlann made the steaks, potatoes, and sautéed asparagus.
Paxton was painting rocks with glow-in-the-dark paint with Maisie. Crew, Golden, Zane, and Renee’s dad Bill sat talking around the fire with Anya, Grandpa, Henry, and Lucas.
Clay had gotten fussy, so I’d fed him a little bit ago and put him in his pack-and-play in the other guest room. From the looks of it, all the guys, along with the kids, were staying the night. They still hadn’t told me what the plans were for tomorrow. When I suggested taking Lucas and Madison around town, Golden informed me that my day had already been planned out and to just go along for the ride. I didn’t argue with him, since I loved surprises.
“So, you’re going to Albany next fall?” Lochlann asked politely to Madison as she gushed about the campus tour she’d taken last weekend.
“I am,” Madison enthused. “Have you applied anywhere yet, Pey?”
I took a sip of my wine and shook my head. “Not yet, no. I’m not sure what I want to do yet, honestly, except dance.”
“Hopefully somewhere not too far,” Kyler grumbled before he kissed my nose. “Somewhere that we can easily come to visit and vice versa.”
He gripped my thigh and looked me in the eyes. He seemed to be somewhat withdrawn since we got home. I longed to talk to him, but there were way too many people around.
“I think we shouldn’t set limitations on her,” Lochlann said quietly. “We should support her decisions even if it means a long-distance relationship.”
I smiled my appreciation at him. “If I get into a school in NYC, it’ll be less than four hours away from here and Albany.” I bumped my shoulders with Madison, so she knew I included her in my plans.
I had already Googled the distance between here and New York City, and New York City to Albany.
“Yes!” Madison said, clapping her hands in excitement.
I could tell from Lochlann’s pleased smile that he liked the idea too. I had always thought there were more opportunities to go to school and audition if I lived in New York City. It was also a convenient location to continue a relationship with Lochlann and Kyler. I knew Paxton was looking in that direction as well.
I didn’t want to influence Crew, Zane, and Golden’s decisions, but I secretly hoped they would choose a school close to me. I already knew football scouts had been to our games. It was only a matter of time before they’d approach Zane and Crew. I just knew it.
“That won’t be too bad then,” Kyler groused, kissing my cheek and returning to the steaks. “Some of these will be ready to pull off soon.”
“I’ll go get the serving trays,” I volunteered before hopping down.
I felt light-headed, and I swayed a little. I giggled when I realized I was buzzing… slightly. I had only drank one glass and just started my second one.
“Oh no, you don’t.” Lochlann placed his arm around my waist. “You should go sit down at the table. I’ll bring you water and some snacks. When’s the last time you ate?”
Madison started to giggle. “You are such a lightweight. You only had one glass of wine.”
Madison had drank at least two by then. She had a higher tolerance for alcohol since she drank nearly every weekend at the different parties she attended.
“She only had brunch hours ago,” Renee volunteered. “And she didn’t eat much.”
“Narc,” I teased. “It wasn’t intentional. I just can’t eat much on competition days, and I was on such an emotional high that I forgot to eat afterward.”
“Come on, you.” Lochlann began to guide me towards the patio set. “I’ll get you that water and something to nibble on.”
“Dinner’s almost done,” I griped jokingly.
“Don’t make me spank you,” Lochlann teased. “It won’t be soon enough, and you should rehydrate and snack now.”
“Promise?” I asked mischievously. The wine really was hitting me, loosening my tongue, making me brazen.
“Promise what?” he asked before his eyes widened in understanding. His voice dropped an octave as he lowered his head next to mine. “Behave, Peyton, don’t tease me when we know I’m powerless to act on my urges.”
“Have you ever spanked anyone before?” I inquired as if he hadn’t spoken. “Did they like it? Did you like it?”
I had spent countless hours poring over Cosmo with Madison. Just because I hadn’t been sexually active didn’t mean I hadn’t been interested in learning all I could about it. I had to admit, my interest had been piqued by the idea of some play in the bedroom.
“I have, and yes they did. How about you?” his voice was thick as he finally answered me.
“I haven’t been spanked yet,” I admitted to him. “Do you think you can make me enjoy it?”
I heard his sharp intake of breath before his chest crowded my back. I could feel his desire pressing behind me. “It’s not for everyone, but somehow, I think I could make you enjoy it.”
“What else can you make me enjoy?” I nearly moaned when I felt his length pressing further into my back.
“Peyton,” he groaned out. “You know I wish I could have you right here, right now, but we must bide our time a little longer.”
I pouted, embracing my inner Notyep. “I want you to take me right now. We can slip away. Just for a quickie.”
He chuckled darkly. “Sweetheart, when I take you for the first time, it won’t be for a quickie. I have a lot of time to make up for. I’ll be taking you away from here. Somewhere where we’ll have zero interruptions, and we’ll barely leave the bedroom, this I promise.”
I gulped, feeling the warmth pool between my thighs. I shifted my thighs together, hoping to find some friction where I couldn’t find any. I groaned. “You just made me wet.”
He groaned right back. “Sit, wicked girl. I’ll be back with your water and something to snack on.”
“Can I sit on you?” I teased further.
His nostrils flared with desire, but he still walked away. I pouted but put my head down on the table. I really shouldn’t tease Lochlann. I already knew we had to wait, but he was worth it. One day we would be free to express ourselves without anyone being able to hurt his career.
“Are you really happy?” I heard Lucas’ voice behind me.
I looked up. When Lucas was as upset as he was, it was better to let him cool off before cornering him. He seemed alright when he returned, but I had been waiting for him to approach me.
“I am,” I admitted without hesitation. I wasn’t going to play dumb. I knew exactly what he was referring to. “Each one of them make me happy in different ways. I’m truly content that they’re willing to share me. I couldn’t have chosen between any of them, because, honestly, I don’t think I’d be able to without regretting it later on.”
“And you're having sex with all six of them?” Lucas frowned.
I almost bristled, but I saw the hurt in his eyes. For the first time, I saw the attraction he had for me. “No,” I answered and saw his silent sigh of relief, but I wasn’t going to mislead him in any way. “At least not with all six of them. Not yet, but if things begin to progress with them, it’s inevitable.”
He frowned once more. “You’re not afraid of what people are going to call you once they realize you are with six guys at once? They’re going to think you’re a slut and a whore. I think−”
My head reeled back as if he’d physically slapped me. “Lucas,” I said with steely quietness. “Don’t you dare. As my best friend and as someone I recently forgave for a grievous act, I caution you to think about your words before you speak them. You lost your virginity at fourteen. Since then, you’ve been with at least twenty girls. Let’s try not to be hypocritical. I plan to be with these guys for a while. A lot longer than you’d ever been with your partners. I’m in a relationship with them. It’s not casual hook up.”
I paused to shake my head. “I never judged your choices, even when you admitted sleeping around just to get your dick wet, so please don’t judge me now. Once my relationship is out there, and others judge me, I couldn’t care less. You really don’t think I’ve thought of this through? I’m gonna say this once, and I really hope you’re listening. I am happy, and as my best friend, you should be happy for me. Otherwise, I don’t need your negativity or judgment in my life.”
“You’d really ditch me?” he asked in devastation.
I felt terrible for him, but I wasn’t going to sacrifice my happiness for him. I’ve been there, done that, and I had the T-shirt. No more.
“I wouldn’t be cutting you out, Lucas, you’d be cutting yourself out. I could understand if these guys treated me bad, or if they weren’t already there for me, but you have to admit, even yourself, that they are really great guys.”
We sat in silence for several moments before Lochlann came back with a bottle of water and hunks of fresh bread with some kind of vinaigrette on the side. I immediately ate some and moaned in appreciation. The burst of flavor on my tongue was nearly orgasmic. Nearly. Or maybe I was that hungry. It could have been either of the two.
“I’m going to go help Ky. You okay?” Lochlann asked as he gave a pointed look at Lucas.
“Yeah, thanks.” I gave him a wide smile.
Lucas waited until he was away from hearing distance before he sighed. “I can’t imagine a life without you in it,” he said quietly. “I’m gonna try my damnedest to accept this.”
“Thank you,” I said with a smile, tears burning the back of my eyes.
I really did want to remain friends with him. I was happy that he was willing to accept something that made me so happy.
●
A strangled cry woke me up from a dead sleep. I sat up, slightly disoriented as the night’s events came back to me. After a very animated and filling dinner, we had all hung out by the fire listening to Golden play, and astonishingly Lochlann and Renee sang beautifully to accompany him. Eventually, Grandpa, Henry, Anya, Bill, and Renee left for the night.
Golden and Paxton had set up numerous air mattresses, setting them side by side in the living room. Kyler and Crew popped some popcorn and distributed “movie theater” candy and drinks before starting a movie. We were in the middle of our second movie when I had finally fallen asleep between Golden and Paxton.
“What?” Madison mumbled sleepily from the couch beside Lucas.
The two of them had cuddled up on the couch behind us, like old times. If any of us were to date, I’d always expected those two. They were perfect for each other.
The muffled shout reverberated through the house once more, and I tensed. “Go back to sleep,” I murmur reassuringly as I disengaged from Golden and Paxton.
They murmured and grumbled in protest, but I knew I had to get to Kyler. My last recollection of him was of him lounging in his favorite recliner. He must have gone to his bed at some point.
I opened his door and saw that he was tangled in his sheets and thrashing about. A subtle sheen of sweat was covering his brow. I tentatively reached out and caressed his hair.
“It’s okay, Ky,” I crooned soothingly.
He cried out his voice full of panic and pain.
“Baby, it’s okay,” I mumbled softly.
He thrashed out, and his fist connected with my stomach. I gasped as the air left my lungs. Damnit, that hurt! I leaned forward and did my best to soothe his brow as I desperately tried to catch my breath.
“Kitten?” he murmured hoarsely after several beats.
I couldn’t speak, I was still trying to catch my breath.
He sat up abruptly. “What’s wrong?”
The soft glow from his bedside lamp illuminated the darkened space.
“Did I hit you?” he asked in horror.
I nodded and gave him a reassuring smile. “It’s okay,” I finally croaked. “I’m normally better at dodging your fist,” I joked.
His face darkened in shame, horror, and anger before he sat up on the edge of the bed beside me. “No more waking me up,” he grumbled irritably before rubbing his face with shaken hands.
“Not gonna happen,” I insisted. “I can’t let you fight the battle in your head by yourself.”
“Dammit, Peyton! I could have hurt you,” he said heatedly. “No more! I don’t need you to fight any battles for me.”
For a split second, I was hurt by his adamant refusal of my help, but then I realized his pride and fear was talking. I grabbed his hands before straddling his lap.
“I know you don’t need me to fight your battles, but I want to.” I buried my face into his neck.
He stiffened against me at first, but then I felt his hands begin to caress my back. “There’s going to be a lot of them. You’ll get tired.”
I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and leaned back as he pulled me higher up on his thighs. “Not a chance. I want to be by your side and bring you any comfort that I can. Have…” I began to ask tentatively, “um…have you ever talked to anyone about your nightmares?”
The dance I had performed today− technically, yesterday now− had shed a whole new light on his… condition. I didn’t know what brought on the nightmares or what gave him the night terrors. I didn’t even know if it affected him more deeply than I was aware of. He was a successful, outgoing man, but I already knew depression and fear wore several masks.
“I don’t need to talk to anyone,” he claimed on a weary sigh.
“You need to talk to someone,” I contended stubbornly. “It can’t be good keeping everything locked away.”
“I said no, Peyton,” he bit out once more.
I felt tears fill my eyes as I grasped his firm jaw. The stubble of his five o’clock shadow was prickly against my smooth skin. “I can’t lose you. I need you. I want the best you that there is, and if you continually fight in silence, you will leave me, one way or another.”
His face softened before he kissed the palm of my hand.
“On my second tour overseas,” he began quietly, “We were tasked to gather intel on a remote village believed to be centrally located to terrorist cells. Most of the nationals were friendly and welcoming, but there was one particular man that I felt might’ve been aiding the terrorists. I went to my commanding officer and told him I didn’t trust this man. He ignored me.
“One night, one of my men, Burns, wasn’t feeling well. We thought his appendix had burst. Trace, another brother, told me to go with Burns so I could call home, too…Trace knew I was worried about
Crew, even though Trace’s wife was due any day. We argued about it, but Trace was a stubborn bastard.”
He laughed with zero humor as his eyes looked off into the distance, lost in his memories. “Burns and I barely left the village when the night sky lit up. The village we were staying outside of was hit with a rocket attack. We turned around, and I ran into one of the buildings. I had one of my guys in my arms when another rocket came in. The building collapsed on me. I caught some shrapnel right here.” He indicated the scar on his face and to other parts of his body.
“Right before I blacked out, I saw that national. I was right. The man I had suspected of being connected with the terrorist had ordered the hit to our compound. When I woke up in the hospital, there was nothing left of my men except for Burns. I knew I should have trusted my gut, gone over the head of my commanding officer.” He shook his head.
“Burns was our only translator. He wasn’t there to catch the chatter. He blamed himself. When he returned home, he seemed fine. He drank a little more and was prone to random outbursts, but reacclimating back to civilian life can do that to any man. Even those who haven’t faced the front lines as we had. I never knew how deep his guilt ran. I was too caught up in my own feelings of guilt and loss that I didn’t even see the signs. He left me a voicemail. He apologized to me. By the time I got to his house, it was too late. He took his own life.”
I gasped. I never realized the dance I performed today may have caused a trigger in him. If I had known it would affect him this deeply, I wouldn’t have wanted to take the lead.
“You danced beautifully,” he said softly, as if he could read my mind. “I’m glad you brought awareness to the issues that some of us face. My nightmare tonight had more to do with what I should have done that night. Sometimes, I’m stuck there, in that night, in that village. I feel the building falling on me, trapping me, suffocating me. I remember their screams. I can smell things beyond your darkest imagination.”
“Thank you for sharing that with me,” I said quietly as I brushed my lips against his cheeks. “Have you ever thought about talking to a professional? I feel like I don’t have the right words to help you, and I hate not being by your side every night.”