And that was Toby.
She wanted him. She had just neglected to articulate this to him for fear of it not coinciding with what he wanted himself. So, for him to allude to a future between them that extended beyond this year; that was the profound part for Charlotte. That was the part she wanted to seize upon, hold up and examine, until all the details were imprinted within her.
Pulling back from his kiss, Charlotte cupped his face. "You're going to go away. You have no choice if you want to be a Barrister." This knowledge had begun to burn brighter within her as the year had progressed.
"Come with me."
"To Brisbane? Mum and Dad would never let me. They'd say it's too expensive. You can pay for yourself, but I have to rely on them."
"Rely on me."
"No."
"Yes." He took hold of her wrists, looking into her eyes with certainty. "The answer is yes."
Looking back at him, Charlotte almost believed it was a genuine possibility. As if sensing her inner turmoil, Toby pressed her a little further.
"Just us. All of it stretching out before us." And then, the most unexpected thing he could have ever said. "I need you."
"No. You don't need anyone." Charlotte shook her head, dropping her gaze. If she had said that, it would be believable, but from him? Toby did not need anyone with him. He was the most independent and self-sufficient person Charlotte knew. He did not need her.
"Yes. I do. I need you." He frowned at her then, pulling back slightly. "Did you seriously think I would go away without you?"
"You have to go to Brisbane if you want to study law with the intent of becoming a Barrister. What were you going to do as an alternative? Study here by correspondence just so you could stay with me? As if. I know you better than that. You've always intended on going. There's never been a question of it."
Toby took hold of her chin, redirecting her gaze back towards him. "Of course there's no question of me going to Brisbane. But I didn't think there was any question either of you going with me. I just expected you would. Don't you want to come with me?"
Charlotte frowned. "Of course I want to come with you. But it's not that simple."
"Of course it's that simple. Nothing could be simpler. You are mine and I am yours. And where I go, you go. And after I've done what I need to do to get to where I need to be, then I'll follow you anywhere. But I need you to follow me first, because you're the only part of my life here that I can't leave behind. You are the only person I have."
Overcome by a feeling of such deep emotion, Charlotte merely nodded, unable to respond in any other way. Toby smiled widely, sensing his victory. He kissed her again, far more gently than he had before.
"You and me," he whispered. "Okay?"
Charlotte nodded once again, her face still held within his hands. "Okay."
Charlotte and Ellie were stretched out side by side, each getting a pedicure at the cheap Tuesday trainee night in the salon down at the local shopping village they frequented. It was a bit of tradition for them, to treat themselves every so often, yet funds between them never usually ran far enough to go at a normal time and pay full price. They were finally alone; their toe nails drying while their trainee moved on to repeat the process with another bargain hunting customer.
Charlotte turned to Ellie, deliberately keeping her voice low. "Are you alright?" This was the first time since Charlotte's release from the hospital that they had been alone together.
Ellie turned her head on the side, regarding Charlotte for a few moments before answering. "I'm fine."
"Really?" Charlotte found this hard to believe. Ellie was such a soft girl, she always had been. The fact that she had even picked up that rock, much less bashed it against Porter's head with enough force to kill him, still astounded Charlotte. She had to be feeling guilty, possibly having nightmares about it. She just had to be.
But Ellie looked back her with a serene expression that seemed entirely genuine. "Really."
"I think you're shitting me just to make me feel better."
Ellie pulled a face at that. "No, I'm not." She sighed then, heavy and drawn out. "You're acting like Mum. She thinks I should be permanently hysterical, rocking in a corner while chewing my own fingers off. But I'm fine. Maybe, I don't know, could be that it just hasn't hit me yet, but when I think about what happened, I just don't feel guilty at all."
Charlotte looked at Ellie with interest. "What do you feel?"
A pause. Ellie's eyes stared back at Charlotte's, wide and sincere. She reached over to take a hold of Charlotte's hand. "I feel relief. That I came looking for you when I did. That I heard you scream out. That I wasn't afraid to fight for you. I'm not sorry I hit him, because if I hadn't hit him, he might have killed you, and that would make me feel a whole lot worse than what I feel now. I didn't intend on killing him. But it happened. One day I might feel differently about it, but right now, I'm just focusing on the fact that you're okay and that's all that really matters to me."
Charlotte squeezed Ellie's hand with affection, so grateful for her ability to see something so terrible in such a positive light. She should not really be surprised though; Ellie was always the eternal optimist, the one to rally the troops when everyone seemed to be dragging their feet, the one to tell a joke at an awkward moment just to break the ice and get people to relax. Swallowing back tears, Charlotte kissed the back of Ellie's hand before saying to her, "I love you to bits."
Ellie smiled widely. "And I you. Please don't worry about me or feel guilty on my behalf. It's not worth it, Charlotte. We need to move on."
"I know. It's hard though, when I see him every time I look in the mirror."
Ellie didn't make any reply to that, for which Charlotte was grateful.
"Jake thinks I'm a total badass now. It's awesome, you should see him, fawning over me, doing every single thing I want him to. It's hero worship in action; I don't think I will ever get sick of it." Ellie started laughing, relaxing back into her seat. "I'm going to marry him, you know, one day, not yet, but definitely one day."
Charlotte jolted with surprise at that declaration. "Jake?"
"Yes. Jake." Ellie rolled her eyes at the look on Charlotte's face. "No need to look so surprised. I didn't say I was going to marry him tomorrow."
"Yeah, I know that. I heard you." Charlotte chewed on her thumb nail for a moment, considering Ellie's declaration. "But, how do you know?"
Now it was Ellie's turn to cue the disbelief. "How do you not know? I mean, Jake is an idiot ninety percent of the time; but that other ten percent?" She put her hand over her heart. "I just know that no one else could be more in sync with me and that no matter what we do in the next few years between now and then, we'll still be together. He gets me and I get him."
Charlotte sat, staring at Ellie in quiet contemplation. She could scarcely believe what she was hearing, yet there was a conviction to Ellie's tone that brooked no questioning.
"Do you not feel that way about Toby?"
"I adore Toby." Ellie seemed to be waiting for more from her than this. "He wants me to go to Brisbane with him next year. To live with him. Just the two of us."
"And?" Ellie probed.
"And I want to."
"So, what's the problem then?"
"There is none." Charlotte looked away, scratching her arm absently, lost for words, yet really unable to understand why.
"Do you love him?"
"I just said I did."
"No, you said you adore him."
"Same thing."
Ellie snorted. "Hardly."
"Yes. I love him. And I adore him. And I want to go to Brisbane with him to live."
"But?" Ellie was persistent; she knew Charlotte too well and could tell when something was not quite right, and this entire conversation had been anything but right from the very start.
"I'm afraid." Charlotte released the breath she had been holding onto.
Ellie was most surprised by that; it didn't appear at all to be what she had be
en expecting. "Of Toby?" she asked, with just a touch of disbelief within her voice.
Charlotte closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Not of him. Of what he makes me feel. It's a dependency that's too big to contain. He has the power to break me." She opened her eyes then, meeting Ellie's gaze.
"He's flipped it on you, hasn't he?"
Charlotte frowned with confusion. "What do you mean?"
Ellie chuckled. "I know how you went about getting him. And I know what you're like. But you don't have the upper hand anymore and then there's all these feelings involved now that you're not used to ever feeling for another person, so you're shitting yourself. Welcome to the type of existence the rest of us live, Charlotte. Where falling in love means opening yourself up and taking a chance. Where being in a relationship transcends the physical; where the physical becomes so much more. Took you long enough."
"So, you feel that way too? About Jake?"
"What? Vulnerable?"
"Yeah."
Ellie rolled her eyes. "Of course I do! I'm only a fake badass, you know."
Charlotte laughed at that. Ellie reached over and grabbed hold of Charlotte's hand.
"He may have the power to break you, but you also have the power to break him. We're all vulnerable, Charlotte. Every single one of us."
Toby was trimming the hedge around the pool with Royce when he turned toward the older man and decided that now was as good of a time as any to declare his intentions regarding Charlotte and their future.
"Royce?"
"Mmmm?" Royce continued with his trimming, not even casting Toby a glance, yet Toby knew he was listening. Royce was always listening.
"I asked Charlotte to move with me to Brisbane next year."
Royce paused, the clippers hovering in mid-air. He straightened and turned towards Toby, his head on an angle, his eyes squinting on account of the bright sunlight. "What did she say?"
"She wants to."
"Does she now?" Royce returned to his branches, clipping efficiently, the off cuts falling at his feet for Toby to scoop up into the gardening bag he was following Royce around with. "What does Charlotte want to do down there while you go to university?"
Toby frowned. "She'll go to uni as well."
"Will she?"
"What else would she do?"
Royce straightened again, facing Toby, eye to eye in height. "Now, that's the money question, isn't it? How about you go and find out and then when you know the answer, you can come back to me and tell me what you've learnt." Royce handed the clippers over to Toby, taking the bag from his hands. "Shift change. My hands hurt." He indicated with a nod of his head that Toby should start cutting.
Toby found Royce later that afternoon sitting on the large back deck with the newspaper spread out over his lap. Flopping down into the chair beside him, Toby waited for Royce to acknowledge him before speaking.
"Well?"
"She wants to do an arts degree but has no idea what she wants to major in. No clue at all. And she wants to continue with her gymnastics, to move into teaching it."
"Yes. I know."
Toby gaped at Royce. "You know?"
"Of course I know."
"Then why did I even have to ask her for you?"
Royce cast Toby a heavy look. "Why indeed?" He pulled the paper up again, covering his face.
Toby waited, and when it became evident Royce had no intention of saying anything more, he realised that if he wanted elaboration, then he was going to have to seek it out himself. "So, is she allowed to move with me?"
"Charlotte can make her own decisions. I respect whatever she wants to do." Royce turned the page, his face still out of Toby's view. "I respect her enough to find out what she wants to do without prompting."
Toby closed his eyes for a moment, letting that sink in. "It hadn't come up," he protested.
"Mmm. Yet, when I asked her, she knew in complete detail what your plans were."
Toby swallowed deeply, uneasy with Royce for the first time ever. His point was valid; Toby did not need to examine himself in too much detail to see where he had fallen short.
"If you choose to live with my daughter in an adult arrangement," Royce continued from behind the paper, "you need to know that my expectations of you are going to alter. You will cease to be the boy who lives in our house who I have grown rather fond of, and become the man I trust with my only daughter." Royce folded the paper precisely, tossing it onto the floor beside him before addressing Toby directly. "In light of this, next time I ask you a question about Charlotte, what are you going to do?"
With no hesitation, Toby answered, "Know the answer."
Royce smiled then. "Good man." He stood, clapping his hand down onto Toby's shoulder with affection.
Toby let himself relax. "Thanks."
"For what?"
"For everything. All that you've done for me."
Royce's hand tightened in its grip, squeezing Toby's shoulder before releasing him. "Ahh, now, don't go getting all sentimental on me." He walked away, entering the house through the laundry door and letting it close behind him with a bang.
Toby turned to look out over the pool. He could not help but think back to that day, nearly two and a half years ago now, when he had touched Charlotte for the first time. She had driven him mad from the very first moment he had laid eyes on her. After that day though? Impossible to erase her. Impossible to hide from the effect she had on him; the hold she had over him.
He had assumed she would just come with him next year. He had neglected to ask her what she wanted to do herself, because he had in all truth feared the answer. What if she had said she wanted to stay here? Or go somewhere else? Toby was so thankful she was more flexible than he was with regards to her aspirations; decisions were so much easier when they involved someone who was willing to bend. He knew himself well enough to know that if he was to strip himself back to the bare bones, the drive within him, that burning need to succeed, to make a difference, to effect justice; that would be all that was left. He was aware of this entirely, yet he believed, with a conviction that belonged to only the truly arrogant, that he would never have to choose. Because Charlotte understood what drove him; she understood the plan, the single minded focus that consumed him at times. She understood without him telling her, that he could never stay here for her. That if they were to be together, then it had to be on his terms.
He loved her. Loved her beyond reason. How lucky he was that she loved him just as much.
PART TWO
Three Years Later
The Inelegant Fall from Grace
CHAPTER SEVEN
While the disappearance of Royce Blackwell had a cataclysmic effect on his family, it barely registered on the radar of public concern. One day he was there, the next he was not. His clothes were all gone with the hangers left bare; favourite books were removed from the shelves with their spaces left behind, gaping and dusty; a few tools were taken from the shed, the marks on the walls the only indication of what was missing. He took other items also, random things, but it would be months before any of them had tallied up the full inventory. He did not drive away, nor did he take any money, except for what he had in his wallet, and he left no note. He had effectively and silently removed himself from his existing life.
Iris was beside herself, convinced that he had met with foul play. Charlotte and Toby flew home from Brisbane immediately to be with her and to offer whatever assistance they could. Police were called and questions were posed, many that had no definitive answers. It was quite obvious though, right from the outset, that Royce had left of his own volition, and given those circumstances, there was really not too much the police could do.
Charlotte pressed her mother for details, insight into why her father might have left, but Iris seemed genuinely baffled and completely heart broken. It was too soon for these types of questions, her pain was evident, so Charlotte retreated in her intrusions, understanding fairly rapidly that what her father had do
ne was perhaps more about him than about her mother. Still, she found it so hard to believe that he could disappear in such a manner. Just vanish. No contact. No regard for her mother or herself. Disbelief quickly turned to anger, this bled into sorrow, and then all of it merged together in a messy inferno that tormented Charlotte intensely.
After a week of nothing to go on, Iris retreated to her upstairs parlour and stayed there, rattling around, barely eating, saying almost nothing, crying endlessly. Charlotte was at a loss on how to help her.
"I don't know what to do." Charlotte looked at Toby sadly, the helpless feeling within her bringing her to despair. "She seems to want to just stay locked away."
"We have to go home. We have exams soon. We can't wait around for your mother to get her head together. That may never happen." Toby's assessment was harsh, but Charlotte had to acknowledge the truth of his words. "See if Jenna will come and stay with her," he suggested.
Charlotte pulled a face. "I can't see that helping."
Toby shrugged. "Then leave her. We can't stay here indefinitely. He's not coming back. She's not going to get over it until she's good and ready. I've got so much work to do, being here is stressing me out."
"I'm sorry." Charlotte looked over at him; he did appear wrung out.
Toby shook his head at her apology. "It's not your fault. Don't apologise. I'm just pointing out that the time has come for us to leave. You have work to do as well."
Charlotte nodded and without warning, to herself or Toby, she began to cry. Burying her face into her hands, her tears turned into noisy sobs within seconds, stealing the breath from her body and triggering a pain, so deep, within her chest.
Toby got out of his seat and leaned over her, pulling her up into his arms. "Shh, come on. It's going to be alright."
"No matter what was going on between them, how could he do this to me?" Charlotte wailed into Toby's chest, clinging to him. "To just bolt like that. I don't understand it!" It was a betrayal that physically hurt. So much.
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