"I can see you in a court room. I always could, but now, seeing you like this, I can picture it perfectly. You have the arrogance that's needed. The whole, 'my shit doesn't stink', aura about you." Royce shook his head then, and laughed without humour. "You were part of the problem. The reason it all went south with Iris."
"Shut the fuck up." Toby wanted him to stop. Just stop talking so he could think on what he was going to do. But there he was, sitting there talking, words that Toby did not want to hear, yet could not help but listen to, spilling forth.
"She had to go and get you. There was no stopping her. I watched you carefully, and I was surprised by how you'd turned out. I didn't expect you to be who you were. I thought you would be more like him. I mean, you are like him, arrogant, nearly identical to look at, but you're not like him deep inside. Twisted and wrong. So I relaxed, went with the flow about you and Charlotte. I figured you had your head screwed on right; that you were ambitious enough to make something out of yourself and look after her. I knew she'd never want for anything, not with all the money you had coming your way. And you seemed to love her, even if you were a bit oblivious to her at times. But after you two left for uni, I saw what not having you around did to Iris. She wilted. Because you were gone. Not Charlotte; but you. And that was when I knew. And I couldn't handle it. That after all the years that had passed, after all our years of marriage and having a child of our own, for her, it was still all about him."
Toby stared at Royce, a feeling developing inside of him that was akin to shock. Yet, even as he registered the feeling, he didn't yet know what it was that he was about to be shocked by. He didn't even know why he felt this way, but he knew Royce was about to blow a certain section of his world apart, and he was going to keep on talking whether Toby wanted to hear what he had to say or not. Royce had the floor and he was making the most out of it.
"You didn't know I knew your dad, did you?"
Toby shook his head, unable to form any words, his anxiety peaking within to the point of illness. His own father was the last person he wanted to hear about. Ever.
"I grew up in Victoria. In the same town as your dad. Same school, same sports, same friends, same holidays. We met these two girls, one year, when we were sixteen. Holidays back then used to be going to the beach in a caravan. You'd sleep in the annex, bum around the beach all day, party at night. Start all over again. So like I said, we met these two girls, absolutely gorgeous, both of them. Of course, they were all over your father in no time. He was arrogant enough to string them both along. It was always the way. I didn't know at the time, because it was just one summer, and then we went home and so did they; I never thought we'd see them again. But Iris turned up a few months later, having hiked it out by herself on a bus, pregnant, insisting the baby was your dad's. He didn't want a baby, didn't want a girlfriend; he was going to be a doctor and he had no room for anyone, no matter how pretty they were, changing his plans. He gave her money for an abortion and sent her packing." Royce paused then, looking at Toby carefully. "What kind of arsehole does that?"
Toby swallowed deeply, bile rising up his throat. Indeed, what kind of arsehole would do such a thing? Was life not entirely ironic at the most inconvenient times? You fight so hard to not be like someone. So hard. The fucking irony.
"Anyway," Royce continued. "I felt sorry for Iris. Really sorry. She was a fine girl, only fourteen too. So young. I gave her my number so we could keep in touch, just in case she ever needed someone. I don't know, I suppose I liked her back then, maybe I just felt sorry for her; I know I felt bad that she was headed off with that handful of cash and nothing more." Royce paused, clearing his throat, working at the collar of his shirt. "Anyway, fate would have it, Iris kept in touch. Her family moved to Queensland, and I decided when I was twenty that I would move too, so I sought her out. We got to know each other properly and got together."
Toby cleared his own throat, finding his voice. "Was the other woman from that summer my mother?"
Royce nodded. "Yes. She met up with your father later on, while they were both at uni. She remembered him, he remembered her; you know the rest of that story. But she was still in contact with Iris, even though Iris had moved. They'd been best friends all their lives, after all. It affected Iris deeply, coming to terms with your parent's relationship. That's the first time I saw how much she still carried a torch for your dad. A summer fling. And he'd blown her off too. I couldn't understand it, so I ignored it. But all those years later, when I saw how she pined for you, because you reminded her of him, I decided that I just wasn't going to put up with it. It was ridiculous. Absurd. And it hurt. So I left her." He paused, looking down at the floor with his next words. "And Charlotte too. And I regret hurting Charlotte; but like I said, she was grown up, and she had you."
Toby gripped the window sill behind him, the wood digging into his hands. An idea was forming within his mind; an idea that changed so much. "Iris didn't get that abortion, did she?" he asked, knowing the answer before Royce even gave it.
"Of course not. Her parents took the baby as their own. That's why they moved. No one to know. It was more common than you might think, back in those days."
"So, Jenna, is both my sister and Charlotte's, at the same time?"
Royce nodded. "Yeah. But she doesn't know that. Her birth certificate has her grandparents listed as her parents. They made Iris have a home birth and paid off the midwife. You have to understand though, Iris was only fifteen when Jenna was born. She didn't really have a choice, and her parents were willing to bring Jenna up. They'd always wanted more kids; it suited everyone. I only knew because I had been a part of it at the start."
Toby turned again, back to facing out the window, resting his forehead against the glass. He closed his eyes; his head hurt. His stomach was churning. He had a clear moment of seeing Iris in his head, telling him that day, after Royce had gone, that it was Jenna's fault. But that was so not the case. It was his. In a roundabout way that he had no control over. And it was not that he blamed himself for Royce leaving, that would be incredibly naive, but the awareness was still there, and with that knowledge came a weight, one that he feared might be too heavy to bear. He knew too much now. Far too much. And he did not have a clue what to do about it.
"I want you to leave. Now." He did not turn around.
"What are you going to do? Are you going to tell Iris you found me?" Royce's voice sounded panicked.
"I don't know. I need you to leave," he repeated. "I wish I'd never seen you out here," he muttered.
"You and me both," Royce replied softly.
Toby heard the door click moments later.
PART FOUR
What it All Comes Down To
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Charlotte watched as Ellie cradled a sleeping Danielle, her hand gently stroking the baby soft hair, that look in her eyes, the one that spoke of a barely disguised misery. Her heart ached for her friend; here she was, having babies left, right, and centre, and there was Ellie, unable to have any at all. It was deeply unfair.
Ellie looked up, catching Charlotte's gaze with a long look of her own, the two of them exchanging much without saying anything. Eventually, Ellie smiled weakly, her hand gesturing above Danielle, tears welling in her eyes and spilling over her lashes rapidly. "I'm sorry," she wept, running her hand over her face, trying uselessly to wipe away her tears.
Charlotte was filled with a deep sympathy, yet she remained in her seat, allowing Ellie the opportunity to compose herself. She left Danielle where she was; it was probably more comforting for Ellie to continue to hold her, rather than have Charlotte whip the baby out of her arms as though she were doing something wrong. She would be weeping too; in fact, the thought of not having any of her precious children was almost enough to bring a lump to her own throat. She sighed deeply, overcome with sadness for her best friend.
"Don't apologise. You have nothing to be sorry for."
Ellie nodded tearfully. "Jake and I have decided to
apply to be foster parents. For babies. Helping to look after your kids while Toby was in hospital made us think that it might be something we could do after all. Jake was always reluctant; he sees so many kids from bad homes. I guess he just worries about becoming attached and having to send them back to homes that aren't ideal. But adoption is so hard; everyone keeps their babies nowadays, whether they want them or not. Jake thinks it's because of all the parenting payments you can get; it encourages people to hang onto them for the money." Ellie sniffed at that. "It's sad for the kids; the ones who end up neglected. They could have much better homes elsewhere."
Charlotte had no opinion one way or the other on that. She supposed though, if anyone was going to be in a position to know, it would be a police officer, so perhaps Jake's opinion was worth something to go by, even if it was harsh in its analysis. Even so, she was not entirely sure if being a foster parent was the best idea for Ellie. She would get attached, no doubt about it. And that was not necessarily a bad thing. It was the un-attaching that concerned Charlotte. Giving them back. "Are you sure?" she ventured, careful about not raining on her friend's parade with a reality check.
"No." Ellie shrugged then. "But I'm running out of options. We can't afford to adopt a baby from overseas. We've been approved for the adoption register here, but like I said, we're not holding our breath."
"What about IVF?"
Ellie shook her head again. "It's not an option." She looked away from Charlotte then, effectively ending the discussion. "When are you going to set a date for this wedding?" she asked, switching topics seamlessly. "It's getting ridiculous."
"We've kind of been busy," Charlotte replied, a tad put out by Ellie's accusing tone. "It's not like Toby almost died or anything."
Ellie rolled her eyes at Charlotte's sarcasm. "Yeah, yeah. Well, he's all good now. Or as good as he's going to get. Too bad he didn't cop a personality adjustment while recovering; he's still the same old arrogant arsehole he's always been."
Charlotte frowned at that. "Really? Still?"
"Always," Ellie replied.
Charlotte let it go, not wanting to get into it with her about Toby right now. "We're pretty much settled into the new house now, so when Toby gets back from Mount Isa, I'll get him to pin down a date. You'll be the first person I tell."
"Better be. I think I've found the perfect dress."
"Good. Then buy it."
"You need to see it first!"
"No, I don't. Just buy it. I'm pretty sure, that if you like it, it'll be fabulous."
"I can't believe you bought a second hand rag to wear as your wedding dress," Ellie whined, giving Bree a run for her money in the pout stakes.
"Get over it. I like it."
"Does Toby?"
"He hasn't seen it. But he liked the price." Charlotte grinned at Ellie's deepening pout.
"For someone so loaded, he really is cheap sometimes."
Now it was Charlotte's turn to roll her eyes at Ellie. "That is completely untrue!" she scolded. "He just bought us a brand new house and has given me free rein to buy anything I want for it. He's not cheap at all. Not in any way. He never has been. You're just being mean about him now." It was an age old argument between them, emphasis on the old part, and Charlotte was totally over it.
Ellie just shrugged, returning her attention back down to Danielle. "I guess you're right. He was going to pay for you to have an abortion; he really is super generous."
Charlotte felt her cheeks flame. She rose to her feet, hands on her hips. "What exactly is your problem?"
Ellie looked up at her fiercely, her eyes shining once again with tears. "It just grates at me; he was prepared to just waste this." She raised her arms slightly, careful not to disturb Danielle, yet still intent on making her point. "When you can't have this, everything changes. You think about things differently. They plague you."
"It was a long time ago. Neither of us think about it anymore. It doesn't matter; we got past it and we've moved on. Toby loves every single one of his children and would never wish for things to be otherwise. I hate that you think it's okay to bring this up right now. It's just plain hurtful."
Ellie paused, swallowing deeply, her gaze directed back down at Danielle. "He took that case on. The one all over the news. The one where the mother killed her own kids. He got her off. He defended her-"
"That's his job," Charlotte cut in, deeply upset by this attack on Toby, both personally and now professionally. "And it's none of your business. You hate him; I get it. I would have hoped you might be over it by now; and while I'm eternally grateful for you always having my back, right now, you're just pissing me off. You're trying to stir up trouble and I'm not happy about that at all. I'm sorry you're hurting; I really am. I am so sorry that you can't have kids of your own. It makes my heart sore. But none of that is Toby's fault. It's no one's. It's just the way it is."
Ellie said nothing for a while. She just sat there, staring at Charlotte wordlessly, her eyes brimming with tears, yet none of them falling. Eventually, she rose and crossed over to Charlotte, passing Danielle carefully into her arms. "I'm sorry. I'm just so angry."
"I get that." Charlotte pulled Danielle against her, breathing in the sweet baby smell of her. She was getting heavy now; at eleven months, she was much bigger than what either Bree or Courtney had been at the same age, rivalling Ashley even.
"I can tell that you're pregnant again." Ellie's statement was quietly delivered, yet no less impacting than if she had shouted it out.
Charlotte looked up at her, stunned. "What? How?" Flustered at being caught out, she slid her gaze away, blushing furiously. The timing of this conversation between them couldn't be worse.
"I can just tell. And that makes me even angrier. I love you dearly, but I'm so incredibly furious at you right now. It's not fair! You already have four kids; you weren't even going to have anymore, and yet here you are, pregnant with a fifth child. It's so unfair!"
Charlotte was saved from replying by Jake's sudden appearance at the door. He had just arrived to pick Ellie up, as arranged earlier. His face bore a horrified expression; Charlotte was not entirely sure if it was on account of Ellie's harsh words or the news of her being pregnant again.
"Ellie!" he admonished. "What the hell?" He cut his gaze to Charlotte, apology softening his expression. "You having an 'E', Charlotte?" he asked gently.
She smiled softly at that, his reference to their alphabet system of naming their children something that had always given him a lot of joking material. "Yeah. But Toby doesn't know yet. I haven't told anyone." She shot a glance at Ellie then who just shrugged, as if she were completely uninterested in the fact that Toby did not yet know he was going to have a fifth child.
"It's not like it's something he hasn't heard before."
"Ellie!" Jake roared, exasperation mixing with anger now. "Sorry, Charlotte. Really." He reached out to take hold of Ellie's arm, gently pulling her towards him, casting Charlotte a look over Ellie's shoulder as he pulled her out the door. "We won't say a word."
"It's alright, he's home tonight. I was going to tell him then anyway." Too bad if she'd been planning otherwise. Charlotte smiled tightly at Jake and Ellie, wishing they would both just leave. Ellie had soured her mood enormously.
Jake, as if sensing her discord, smiled with discomfort, turning on his heel to go. He stopped just through the doorway, watching as Ellie walked on ahead of him, exiting the gym on her own. Turning back to face Charlotte, his expression was one of misery and apology, a grim combination. "I'm so sorry. I only caught the end of what she was saying to you. She's deeply upset right now. We can't have kids. Not even with IVF, so she's pretty cut up about it, as you can imagine." He shrugged, a hopeless air about him that affected Charlotte immensely.
"I know. I'm so sorry." There was nothing else to really say about it, even though sorry seemed a rather empty platitude.
"Yeah, me too."
He left then; yet his sadness remained, infecting Charlotte. She s
ighed wearily, looking down at Danielle, still sleeping in her arms. Kissing her daughter on her forehead, she inhaled deeply, cleansing herself of Ellie's sorrow, filling the gaps with her own hope.
Travel was not as easy as it once had been. Even sitting in business class was a strain; his height compromised his leg space in the first instance; with less mobility, he was even more restricted. He could not wait for the plane to land so he could get off, get home, and get this damned prosthesis off for a while. The more he sat there thinking about it, the more it all aggravated him. He knew of course, it was not really his leg that was bothering him the most. Focusing on his leg just allowed him to ignore the more glaring object of his angst, the 'thing he wished he had never found out', which encompassed everything about Royce, his whereabouts, and his disclosure. Spitting about his leg was just surer ground.
Once the plane touched down, he disembarked first and was able to leave the terminal immediately, having carried his luggage on board with him. After locating his car in the secured car park, Toby sank down into the driver's seat and just sat there, staring out the front windscreen, wondering what the hell he was supposed to do now.
All of the children were asleep by eight, as they often were when Toby was not home in the evening. His presence hyped them up and they were always so much harder to get to bed when he was around. Charlotte potted about in the quiet kitchen, tidying up, wiping down benches, packing lunch boxes for the next day, all with a close watch on the clock, silently counting down the minutes until Toby was expected to arrive home. She had missed him while he was away; he did not go out of town often enough for her to be used to his absence. Also, living alone as a family meant he was her only adult company now. There was no wandering into her mother's room for a chat or passing the time at the table with Jenna, chatting over cups of tea and biscuits. Sometimes she missed that, but for the most part, all the benefits of having their own place more than made up for that loss.
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