by Quiana
Friday came and went and so did a few more weeks. Things were changing between Kai and I, especially the sex. I tried taking the pills a few more times since it enhanced the feelings even more and he loved me on them. Apparently he had been selling them at the parties he and Jason were throwing together, which bothered me but not enough to make it an issue.
A part of me was enticed by the lifestyle. He was an undercover bad boy and it made me feel secure in his presence. We would stay up late talking about his different experiences with women, parties, and the streets. No he wasn’t a dope boy, but he did sell pills to those who he trusted and knew. Well I guess he was a dope boy, but growing up in Philly it’s almost impossible for a man not to dabble in that work in some way so I understood. Plus he was taking in money from the properties that his grandmother left him, so overall he was a business man.
Jay had taken all the money out of our joint account and I couldn’t tap into my savings because I knew Jamir and Jalal would be needing things for school soon. Jamir had been texting me and met me for lunch one day, but Jalal and Jason still had no words for me. I didn’t apply pressure to them to talk to me because I still felt guilty for living in Kai’s house. Since I didn’t have to pay any bills I had two paychecks saved to get an apartment, but Kai told me I didn’t have to rush to leave so I didn’t.
The dynamics of our relationship had changed greatly. When we started I loved the power I felt over Kai. That older woman appeal was fading as I became more dependent on him. Living off him, cooking and cleaning for him, he abused the situation. Staying out until 4 am sometimes, I never dealt with those issues from Jay. Then there was the issue with the cell phone. He kept his phone locked and on vibrate at all times, which I hated! Yet, I couldn’t bring up the issue because I wasn’t supposed to be in his phone! Still things were good between us. The more time we spent together the more I learned about him as a person. Kai had a romantic side and loved fashion. He would surprise me with sexy LAMB or Marc Jacobs shoes that always excited me and resulted in spicy sex on ecstasy! His taste was younger than mine but I couldn’t turn down a good shoe. I thought I was too old for long weaves but he loved them on me. Jay would have a fit if he saw me with a weave in, but the long hair made me feel sexy and young. Kai had been getting some girl Tiffany to do my hair and she was pretty good at it. All she wanted in return was a few pills which was nothing for him to pay.
I didn’t mind her doing my hair but I was nervous for her to be around Kai. Tiffany was beautiful in my eyes. I couldn’t help but to glance at her creamy chocolate skin and her perfectly petite 5’4 thick frame, that I know she often would catch me peeking at. No more than a size 6 her waist line complimented by her C cup breast made her the perfect image of a video vixen, even more then that she was a sassy firecracker with a big smile. Her attitude was something that all men would love; confident, hood and still a little sweet. I gave her props in the way she carried herself. I would listen to her tell me all the crazy stories from her past 25 years of living while doing my hair which usually consisted of men, fights, and partying. I would laugh and try to give her some direction but we had a mutual respect for having fun and being young.
Being young and having fun, yup, we had many nights living that lifestyle. Tiffany encouraged me to go to the club and spend more time with Kai outside of the house. Tiff and I would hang out some nights but finally I decided to take her up on her advice, although I thought Kai would be uncomfortable going to a club with me. Truth was, I was uncomfortable with being seen with Kai at the fear of running into Jason, that encounter would be more than embarrassing. Bumping into my son at a party full of young men and women would make him grow more distant from me than he already had. Kai insisted that whatever club we went to that it wouldn’t be a place that Jason would party at. I trusted Kai and went along with his decisions.
It had been so long since I had gone to a club that I must’ve raided my closet about twenty times before finding an outfit to wear. The one thing I did not want to do was be dated. Memories of the old man in the club doing the funky chicken in the middle of the dance floor haunted my imagination. I’m not doing the funky chicken for nobody! I laughed at my own silliness and settled on a simple black spaghetti strap dress. You could never go wrong with black and as long as my shoes and my bag were hot I had nothing to worry about.
I knew my body was looking good in my dress but when Kai saw me dolled up for the occasion he confirmed it by letting me know I looked bad. Not bad meaning bad but bad meaning good! An old school hip hop classic chimed in my head pleased to hear those words. We swallowed a couple shots of vodka and headed out. Kai invited one of his friends to join us for the night so I invited Tiffany. Trey was a nice guy and I thought he and Tiffany would make a cute couple. As soon as he met they hit it off and I was pleased with my match making. They joked and laughed like they were already familiar with each other, they were too cute. I hoped Tiff would give me the inside scoop on him the next time she did my hair. He was a handsome guy, light brown skin, tall, with hazel eyes, a curly top and a strong build with a beard like Kai’s. Any woman would be attracted to him
When we arrived at the club I was ready to party. We had been drinking in the car and I smoked a little weed on the way over, ready to have a good time. Kai had settled on the weed and the shots but offered me some ecstasy to take. He had always told me that taking an E pill at a club would give me the ultimate experience so I decided that it was the perfect time to experiment. Tiffany and I each took one while the boys watched and waited for us to digest. I was already lit so one more item to add to my high didn’t make a difference to me.
The line was packed and filled with young females in freak em dresses and belly shirts. Thank god the crowd was mainly white, it took away from the pressure that I would’ve felt at a hip hop club. Even better was the fact that Kai knew the bouncer. We walked directly to the front of the line and went straight through the velvet rope. Kai didn’t even have to pay the man. I wondered if he knew Kai for selling pills, but it I wouldn’t dare ask. However they were affiliated got us into the club.
I was taken back at first by the loud music. The speakers were stacked tall and the bass was booming. Kai paid the lady for us and Trey took on the responsibility of paying for him and Tiffany. We walked into the large building and my eyes were fixated on the high ceilings and bright lights. Laser and strobe lights circled the club as random sprays of a watery mist cooled down the air. The room was one big open space. People were everywhere dancing and partying. Tiffany fell right into place overly excited to be there and I couldn’t help but to fall into the good vibrations also. We blended into the crowd and Kai was right, the club was the perfect place to take the pill. My senses were heightened. I wondered if this was how the hippies felt at Woodstock. This was a party! I had come to celebrate life.
I kissed Kai over and over and he let me. It felt extraordinary to be able to be openly affectionate with him. My high had taken over and I wanted to have sex with him right there on the dance floor! I continued to move and move slightly off beat. The kind of music that was being played didn’t call for rhythm so I was actually right on the beat. The DJ kept pumping and I kept moving!
Trey dipped off to the bathroom but Tiffany didn’t even notice, she was one with the music. Swaying side to side grooving to the music Tiffany danced her way over to me and grinded against me. Usually I would’ve been against this behavior. In all the years I had known Porscha, she would’ve never came so close to me. But we were at a party. I allowed her to dance with me just how I would see the white girls do on reality shows. I actually invited it, Tiffany was a good dancer. This generation was different than mine so I knew that this was just a simple dance. The E had me comfortable pressed up against her body. I could feel her dress rising which she failed to fix it. Kai couldn’t keep his eyes off of us. The more he starred the more I wanted his attention.
I even let her grab my breast hoping it would turn him on, and it did.
Kai eventually broke us up and held me close to him. When Trey returned we broke off into couples fading into the crowd. Kai excused himself to get me some water and Tiffany took back her place. This time Trey watched us grind on each other’s bodies. After feeling overheated and exhausted I left Tiffany with Trey to look for the bathroom. On my search I spotted Kai leaving the VIP section which I assumed was where he made his sells.
He walked to the bar to get my water and found his way back to Trey and Tiff. After leaving the bathroom I was ready to go home. I was hot and horny and over the club experience. There was nothing more that we needed from the club now that Kai had made some money. I told Kai I was ready to leave and he understood. Trey and Tiffany wanted to stay longer and was okay with catching a cab home so we said our goodbyes.
It was a long ride home for us. I couldn’t keep my hands off Kai who was trying to focus on the road. I tooted on a blunt in the car not wanting my high to wear off before we made it to the bedroom. Kai fed me hard candy on the way home in order to keep my mouth wet. I rolled it around my mouth with my tongue trying to savor the sweet taste as long as possible. Kai had introduced me to a new feeling that I would never forget.
CHAPTER 7
The summer had flown by and the end was almost near. I hadn’t seen my boys in a longtime, partly because I wasn’t allowed in the house and partly because I couldn’t face them. Well Jay gave me the OK to meet Jalal at the house and take him to get a few things for school so I was extra excited to get off of work for the weekend. Having to be told what I could and couldn’t do with my own son’s made me feel like a deadbeat parent. This must be what it was like to get visitation rights. I wondered if having a lack of control is what makes deadbeat parents give up. Yes you messed up and maybe you didn’t come around as much as possible but when you are ready to step up should it be on the other person’s terms only? I wasn’t sure of the right answer. But I wasn’t going to let my ego stop me from hanging out with Jalal just to argue with Jay. Plus Jalal was old enough to make his own decisions. If it weren’t for the fact that he was ignoring me and that I would have to come to the house, I wouldn’t of spoke to Jay about it at all. I text him and told him I would be there after work and even though he didn’t respond I knew none of my boys turn down freebies. So as soon as I got off of work I zoomed over to the house to see my family. Jay was still at the shop and Jason’s car wasn’t parked out front, which was a relief to me because I knew that our first encounter would be an awkward one.
Kahliyah was sitting on the front steps talking on her cell phone chatting away. Loud and ghetto as usual she was a reminder of the life I had left behind, but not a negative one. The grass and hedges were neatly trimmed and the walk way was nice and clear. A dream like feeling overcame me as I got out the car and walked up the walk way. So many times I had a vision of the fight Jay and I had; ways that I could have made things different and things that I could’ve said.
I had pictured the house to be a cluttered mess and my husband begging me to come back after realizing it was just one big mistake. Whether or not I was going to take him back was always the mystery. Yes some crazy little dream I had concocted in my head, but dreams can easily be turned into reality. I was actually kind of happy to see Kahliyah. The memory of my old life put a glow on my face for the moment. She Jumped up and gave me a hug screaming “Mom you look great!” as she embraced me.
Usually I would’ve been turned off by those words but I hugged her back and gave into a quick conversation about her summer and my 25lb weight loss. She looked cute today in a long pink strapless summer dress and her hair in a tight bun. I made sure to compliment her on her wardrobe change which she ate up like candy. As I made my way into the house I was stunned to see everything was exactly how I left it. For some reason I expected things to be completely out of order. But instead, the house was clean no dishes in the sink or anything. They weren’t missing me at all. Feelings of shame overcame me as I realized how easily I made it to be replaced. I wasn’t the best housekeeper, but I kept my house tidy. Yet, these monstrous men who always gave me a hard time with keeping the house in order, were maintaining just fine with me gone.
I looked over a pile of mail with my name on it but nothing important was there. Once Jay drained the account I took my name off all of the bills so there was nothing but junk mail. I looked around for Jalal but he wasn’t anywhere on the first floor. Slowly creeping up the steps I made my way to Jalal’s room not sure what reaction to expect from him. He took things a little harder than Jamir, Jalal wasn’t as forgiving. I was apprehensive towards his response to me being in the house. He never responded to me so in actuality I hadn’t a clue if he really wanted to be around me.
Growing up Jalal had a very hot and cold type of personality. There were a few times that I caught the cold end of the stick but Jay, being the main disciplinarian, caught it all the time. Jalal could go weeks without speaking to you or being around you as if you never existed. No matter how much you tried to beat it out of him or punish him for his attitude and coldness, he would not break. We learned to just live with it and to accept it as a part of his coping process. Even as a child unlike most kids, Jalal didn’t fight with you one minute and play with you the next. We would tease his brothers about how Ja would shout them out over a game of Connect 4 for a week! What can I say my child could hold a grudge.
My son was sitting on the edge of the bed listening to the radio. Sounds of rapper Jay-z’s first album Reasonable Doubt flowed smoothly out of the radio. The music was reminiscent of Jay in our early 20s. Jay used to play the cd on repeat until I knew every word against my own will! Jalal was introduced to the music at a young age and loved the classic beats. I knew he must’ve been high because this was lay back and relax kind of music to a blunt. I was still a little buzzed from the weed I had had earlier and hoped that the lingering smell in the room was fuming from off of him and not me.
Jalal’s strong back was bent over almost as if he was that old Greek statue I saw in art museums as child, he looked like man. A grin took over my face. I knocked on the doorway entrance before I stepped in hoping he would give his approval but he never turned around to acknowledge me. Not sure if a hug was what he wanted, I hesitated to give my son the huge embrace that was warming up inside me.
“Hey Ja! You ready?” My announcement was loud and cheery hoping it would invite him in but it didn’t work.
Jalal’s presence was very cold. He made no movement, eye contact or anything resembling body language. Placing his hands under his chin from the side I could see his face shifted to being stern and in deep thought.
“I’m not going mom.”
Anxious and ready to head to the mall I disregarded everything he was saying and told him to come on, I had lots of money to spend on him and I wasn’t taking no for an answer. The Jalal I knew would’ve jumped up at that answer but this Jalal didn’t care about my words. I wasn’t talking to my little boy anymore I was talking to myself, because I didn’t realize that this was a young man before my eyes.
I stood and waited for a moment as I saw tears form in my son’s eyes. At this point I was just confused because I knew I had done wrong but I was trying to make him feel a little better. I didn’t expect this emotional breakdown today, I wasn’t prepared.
“Kahliyah’s pregnant mom I’m not going away for school, so save your money and put it towards the baby.”
My heart sank into my stomach hearing his words. He struggled to speak because he was fighting back tears. Not wanting to cry but feeling hopeless Jalal repeated the statement. I guess he thought I didn’t hear him and felt the need to say it again. But I heard every word he said. It was a direct stab to the heart knowing that this was something that was out of my control, yet I felt as though there was something that I could’ve done to have controlled it from happening. All those times I caught them having sex in my basement I should’ve banned her from our house. Had it been my daughter it wouldn’t of even had been a quest
ion. Instead, I listened to Jay who told me to let him be a man. Trying to hold back my feelings I closed my eyes and tried to put myself in their shoes. Young in love and clueless, I wanted more for my son. I couldn’t believe what he was telling me, pregnant? I knew they were sexually active but Jay and I preached safe sex to our children to the point that it became a normal kitchen table topic. Kahliyah even told me she was on birth control when I spoke with her about their relationship. I felt lied to and betrayed but most of all I was hurt. My son had a future ahead of him and no fast ass teenage girl was going to trap him.
“Are you sure she’s pregnant?”
“Yes ma”
“Well are you sure that it’s yours? You can’t trust a female all the time Jalal some girls will do what they have to do for them to succeed.”
“Mom this is my girlfriend. You know I can’t go anywhere without her by my side so of course if she’s pregnant its mine.”
But that wasn’t a good enough answer for me I smelled conspiracy all over this scheme. Maybe it was the mother in me but I wasn’t about to let any female get in the way of my son’s future, girlfriend or not. If she really cared about him she wouldn’t have let herself get pregnant.
“Ja you’re going to college so get your shit and let’s go. After she gets the abortion you leave that girl alone because all she sees are dollar signs.”