by Vivien Vale
I set out the bowls and spoons. In a minute, we’re all around the dining room table again. My mom dishes parfait, and I put in the spoons and pass the bowls along. When I hand Keagan his bowl, he mumbles thanks without looking at me.
What’s up with him?
The conversation turns to lighter things. Chris seems to be cheering up, and he’s laughing and joking again. The atmosphere is lighter, and I’m not so stressed about what might, or might not, show.
Keagan is sullen. He doesn’t speak much. He barely laughs at our silly jokes, and when he can’t get away without saying anything at all, his answers are short and blunt. It’s like he’s sulking. It’s not hard to see how much like Chris he can be.
When dinner is finally over and we’ve had our coffee afterward, it’s time to leave. I can’t be happier to get away. I want to go back to Keagan’s apartment where we can be alone without scrutiny and do whatever we want to.
I want to be alone with him. I want him to pay attention to me, to touch me, to kiss me. I want him. The night has been weird, and his distance has increased to the point where even I am starting to believe our act of not being involved. And I don’t like it.
In the car on the way back, Keagan doesn’t cheer up.
“What’s wrong?” I ask him. “Why are you so down?”
Keagan shrugs.
“My mom was okay, right? I don’t think she’s pushing it too hard. I mean, she’s hiding it from Chris, which is big of her.”
Keagan nods. I don’t know why he’s being so distant.
“Don’t you want to talk about it?” I ask.
Keagan shakes his head. “There’s not really anything to talk about is there?” he says, and his tone is a little bitter. “It won’t ever come to that.”
I try to figure out what he’s saying. I realize he’s quoting what I said about us in the kitchen.
“Are you mad at me?” I ask.
Keagan sighs. “I can’t be mad at you for what you want. Or don’t want. I’m just… disappointed.”
I shake my head. I don’t understand. “Disappointed about what?” I ask.
Keagan takes a deep breath and blows it out slowly, as if he’s trying to control himself.
“I thought we were still going to talk about it. I didn’t know that you’ve decided you don’t want this to be any more than it is.”
I frown. “I thought we decided on it together? For the sake of your company and the public image and everything?”
Keagan sighs again. “I just thought that we would revisit it. I didn’t realize it was set in stone.”
I’m getting irritated with him. “I don’t think it’s fair of you to hold me to something I said to my mom so that she would get off our backs. I thought you were annoyed with how she was acting. I thought I was helping.”
Keagan glances at me. “It’s just hard, okay?”
“It’s hard? Do you think it’s any easier for me, hearing Chris refer to Liz like she was some kind of gift in your life? Or talk about how you need to settle down when I know that he’ll never accept me as your other half?”
Keagan turns his head to me, frowning. “Is that something you want? Is that where you want this to go?”
I realize I’ve talked myself into a corner, and I don’t want to go there. This is too much for me.
“All I’m saying is that I don’t know how else to defend us. I was doing what you were doing. Pretending everything is fine.”
It looks like I’m also good at answering questions without saying anything.
We fall silent again. There’s nothing left to say. We arrive home and ride the elevator to Keagan’s floor. He unlocks and locks up again behind us. He marches to his bedroom and closes the door firmly behind him without saying goodnight.
I walk to my room, feeling emotionally drained. I knew that this wouldn’t be easy when I decided to follow through with this, but I didn’t realize this was what it would be like. I thought the one thing we had down was communication.
I close my door and get undressed, pulling my oversized shirt over my head. I put on panties and crawl into bed. I close my eyes and try to fall asleep as the apartment settles down around us, but I can’t.
Keagan
Seven Grand Bar on West Seventh Street is a classy place. It’s got a hunting lodge vibe to it and a wide selection of whiskeys. The latter is why Mason and I frequent the place. We make a habit of meeting there at least once a month to catch up, if we can’t make plans to see each other any sooner.
We may be working together, but we’re in different departments, and we’re both so busy, it doesn’t take much to start losing touch with each other.
Mason and I sit at the bar. I’m sipping a Macallan, neat. I don’t often treat myself to the expensive stuff, but everything is starting to fall into place in my life.
“The phone app is working well,” Mason says.
We released it earlier in the week, and it seems to be a hit. There are surprisingly few bugs but we still have a lot of work to do.
“Yeah, I’m happy with how things are going,” I say.
“Is that why you’re drinking the good stuff?” Mason asks. “Is it a celebration?”
I shrug. “Something like that.”
Of course, it’s not about work as much as it is about Dana. She’s out with friends tonight. We’re not spending time together, and I think it’s good, given what we’ve done the last few days. We need a bit of break, even if it’s just to get our heads straight.
I don’t need a break from her, of course. That would be like suggesting a break from food after you’ve been starving for years. But I think she needs it. She’s a wildcat in bed, but when we’re spending time together doing normal things, she seems distant and closed off.
I don’t want to scare her away.
“Something is different about you,” Mason says. He’s sipping a Chivas. It’s not as good as what I’m drinking, but it’s not a bad drink.
I shrug. “How?”
Mason shakes his head. “I can’t tell,” he says. “It’s like you’re happier, or calmer, or something. Which is ridiculous because with the app’s release and the press hounding you again, it should be tense.”
I shrug again and sip the amber liquid. Mason narrows his eyes and studies me.
“Everything okay with your parents? With Dana?”
I nod and swirl the whiskey in the tumbler. “Yeah, everything’s fine. Dana is staying with me now.”
Mason raises his eyebrows. “That’s a little fact you forgot to mention. Why is she staying with you?”
“Financial difficulties,” I say. “I offered her a place to stay for a while.”
Mason nods slowly. A grin spreads over his face. “So, your hot stepsister moves into your house just after I find out how badly you want to jump her bones? Interesting.”
He takes another sip of his drink, eyeing me over the rim of his glass. He swallows and purses his lips. “You tap that, yet?”
I roll my eyes and groan. “I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist asking. It’s why I didn’t say anything. God, you’re a dirty fuck.”
Mason chuckles and holds up one hand, his palm turned to me in defense. I watch him raise his glass to his lips again, lowering his hand.
“And yes, I have,” I add.
Mason chokes on his drink. It dribbles over his chin as he coughs and sputters.
“Tell me I just heard that,” he says when he recovers. He wipes his chin with a napkin.
I shrug, but I can’t help grinning. I was pleased with myself after the first time. I’m not trying to brag to my friends, but the truth is, I feel like a god.
“Holy shit,” Mason says. “I can’t believe you did it.”
“You were the one that encouraged it,” I say.
Mason nods. “I know. I didn’t think you were going to do it, though. You’re too nice.”
I pull a face. “It doesn’t sound like a compliment when you say it that way. I mean, look
at what happened with Liz.”
I shake my head. I don’t want to think about Liz. I hate that Mason brought her up. The only reason she managed to rip out my heart was because I was too soft when she was a manipulative bitch. I was too nice.
“Thanks for bringing her up,” I say sarcastically.
“Sorry,” Mason says. “Poor form.”
Very poor, I think. He’s spoiled my mood.
“Tell me about it,” Mason says. “The sex.”
He’s wise enough not the mention what Dana is to me. There are ears everywhere, even when the paparazzi aren’t allowed inside. I never know who will run and spill to the tabloids.
I sigh. “God, I don’t even know where to start. She’s a total minx, it turns out. She’s not half as innocent as she comes across. But not in a bad way.”
Just thinking about her and our sexcapades the past nights makes me hard again. I shift in my seat. She’s my weakness, turning me on with a mere thought. Not even Liz did this to me, and we were together three years.
In my mind’s eye, I see Dana naked again, her breasts in my face. Or her lips around my cock, her eyes looking up at me like something out of a porno.
“So, you’re going to do it again, I gather?”
“Fuck, yeah,” I say.
Mason grins and holds up his glass in a salute. “To the men who dare to go where no other will.”
I shake my head but clink my glass against his.
“So, what does that mean now?” Mason asks after we both drink to the salute. “Are you going to be official or what? I assume she feels about you the way you feel about her?”
I shake my head. “I don’t think she’s that serious, to be honest. And I don’t know what I feel for her, either.” That’s a lie. I have an idea what I feel for her, but I’m not going to tell Mason that. “Besides, the press will eat this shit up, you know? Especially with how things are going with the business. I don’t think I can afford a scandal right now, and you know that’s what it’s going to be.”
Mason nods. He finishes his whiskey and signals for another.
“I guess that makes sense. How does she feel about this arrangement?”
“She’s the one that suggested it,” I say.
At the time, I was relieved she still wanted to sleep with me. The more I think about it, the more I wonder about her reason for asking that we keep it private and purely physical. She’s holding up her end. There’s no cuddling and being close and holding hands when we’re not fucking.
Mason receives his drink.
“She sounds like the perfect woman,” Mason says. “They all want to get attached, and she’s just in it for the sex.”
I chuckle and finish my own drink. I signal for another, the same way Mason had, and my glass disappears, replaced by a refill. They know who I am here, and they serve me faster than I can ask for it. The perks of being famous, I guess.
I know what Mason is getting at. Usually it’s the women who get attached, and it’s the men who just want a booty call, a one-night stand, someone on retainer to chase away the blue ball blues. This is different, though. I want to be with Dana and in more ways than just sex. I want to be able to spoil her a little, take her out, and maybe buy her flowers. I want to be romantic. I want to care.
And I don’t know if I can.
“So, you’re not going public with this at all,” Mason confirms.
I shake my head. “I can’t. They’ll judge me, and they’ll never leave her alone. After everything that she’s been through lately, she doesn’t need that, too.”
I sigh. The alcohol has me on that level where I become pensive. I don’t like thinking about it all so much. I don’t like that Dana sees us as fuck buddies, but I understand where she’s coming from. What bothers me the most is that I have to agree with her because I can’t see any other way of handling it.
I don’t want the public to know. There is enough scrutiny on me as it is. And I can’t let my dad find out. Susan might be calm about it all. She’s always been the make-love-not-war type, but Chris is my dad, and he’s a bit more uptight about everything. I can’t bear to disappoint him, and I know how he’s going to feel about this.
It doesn’t matter that I liked her before he met Susan. It doesn’t matter that my dreams were ripped away because he decided to get married to the one woman that ruined my love life. At least, when I was in seventh grade.
I just can’t tell him. He still won’t understand.
“You know,” Mason says. “I know this is difficult and everything, and you will always get assholes opposing you. But you’re old enough to do what you want, and you have more than enough money. You can do whatever you want. Fuck their judgment.”
I nod. “I know,” I say. “It’s just not that simple. It will affect Dana, too, and it’s not a decision I’m going to make on my own. I’ve gotten used to cameras in my face, but it was all because I’ve done something good. If they start to hound us both, because of something we’re doing that they find wrong, it will just be that much worse.”
Mason shakes his head. “You know I’ve got your back, right?” he asks.
I nod. Mason is a loyal friend, supportive and able to keep a secret. I realized how important that was after Liz, a woman I had dated before my fame and glory came along. She’d run to the press and told them things about me.
I was lucky back then. She didn’t expose anything I didn’t want the world to know about. Not really. But with fame and money in my corner, I learned fast enough who my real friends are and what loyalty really means.
My phone rings in my pocket. When I pull it out, Dana’s name flashes on the screen.
“Hey,” I say, holding the phone to my ear.
“Hey, I won’t bother you for long,” she says.
I shake my head. “You’re not bothering me. I like hearing from you.”
“Mom and Chris invited us to dinner tomorrow night.”
I’m silent a moment.
“It’s going to be weird, you know that, right?” she adds.
“Yeah,” I say, nodding.
Susan knows, and even though I don’t think she’ll rat us out to Chris, I don’t know how to be around her or around Dana when she’s watching now.
“Well, I just wanted to let you know. I’ll see you back at the apartment later?”
I don’t know if she’s asking because she just wants to know, or if she’s trying to find out if I’m going home with someone else tonight. I need to tell her that if we’re sleeping together, no matter how attached or unattached we might be, I’m exclusive. I don’t want her thinking that I fuck around with other girls behind her back.
“Of course,” I add. “I’ll see you later.”
We end the call, and I glance at Mason.
“Was that baby love?” he asks.
I shove him, and he laughs.
“We have to go have dinner with the folks tomorrow,” I say. “I’m not looking forward to it.”
“Why not?” Mason asks.
“Because her mom knows,” I say.
Mason raises his eyebrows. “Oh, snap.”
Keagan
I drift in and out of a restless sleep. Sometimes, only a minute has passed when I look at the clock again, and sometimes, it’s more than an hour later when I open my eyes again.
I was hoping I could talk to Dana about going public soon. I know that it might damage my career, but I’m confident enough in my social media program to know that despite my personal scandals, the venture won’t fail. People are too reliant on new technology and software.
And I want to be with Dana. I hate hiding everything we’re doing. I’ve cared for her for a long time, and I want to be able to call her mine.
If she doesn’t want it, there is nothing I can do. I didn’t know she was so against it. Her actions, her sex and the way she is with me, told me a different story.
I know she said those things to Susan to get the woman off our backs. Susan can be a handful, at th
e best of times. Dana’s words stung, though, and I don’t know what to make of them. I don’t know how much what she said is true. Dana is open and honest with her mom about everything. Why would she lie about something like this, then?
It doesn’t make sense to me.
It bothers me that Dana wants to keep it casual and private. It’s not what I want. I want to be serious. I want to get into a relationship with her, date her, spoil her, and go the full mile. I want it all. When I date, I’m the kind of man that will dote on his woman. I can’t do it if we’re restricted to the apartment. We barely spend time here as it is.
I turn onto my side, trying to get comfortable. Tonight, the sheets scratch against my skin. I’m irritated and horny. After everything, including the emotional upset, my body still has needs. And it wants Dana. I want Dana.
My cock grows hard when I think about her, and I move around in bed, turning and turning again to get comfortable. I lift my head and look at the clock again. It’s three in the morning. I don’t know how much sleep I got in. Most of it was so light, I don’t think it counts. Still, I’m not tired. I’m wide awake and I have only one thing on my mind.
In my mind’s eye, I flash on the image that is now my favorite. Dana crouching in front of me, my cock in her mouth and those big blue eyes staring up at me. I palm my dick and move my hand up and down. It’s the motion I have done for years to the thoughts of Dana doing something like that to me.
It’s just not the same. I can’t jack off to my fantasies about her, now that I’ve had the real deal. I can’t do it with her just down the hallway, sleeping in the next room.
I roll over again, frustrated. My cock throbs, and my balls hurt like I’m sexually frustrated. You wouldn’t think I’d had the best orgasm of my life just two nights ago.
I close my eyes and conjure up more images of Dana’s body. Her curves, her breasts, her nipples. Her pussy. I lick my lips, and I realize how hungry I am. Hungry for her body.
I get out of bed. I’m only wearing boxer shorts. My cock strains against them, pushing the elastic away from my body so I can see right into my shorts.
I creep down the hallway, silent as the dead. Moonlight falls into a window with open blinds and lights my way. I put my hand on Dana’s doorknob and swallow before I carefully turn it. The door opens without a sound. I let myself in and close the door again.