A nurse looked at me, “A couple more pushes to get the placenta out,” I nodded, as she pressed against my stomach, massaging to get the placenta out and my body to clot. I felt the placenta coming, as I heard my baby girl cry for the first time. My breasts tingled at her cry, as tears ran down my face.
A few minutes later, Ford brought her to me, swaddled in a blanket. Her face was bright red, and a cap covered her head. I stroked her cheek, overwhelmed at the love I felt, and how beautiful she was.
A nurse asked me if I want to try and nurse. I nodded yes, and she helped me get her latched on. It took a few tries before she started sucking. I laughed at the odd sensation, and a couple minutes later, she let go, fast asleep.
Ford was still next to me, both of us staring at her with expressions of awe. I was drunk from exhaustion and emotion, as I remembered to say, “Happy Birthday, Ford.” Ford wrapped his arm around my shoulders and lay his hand on her head. “Best birthday ever.”
“I was going to make you a cake,” I told him regretfully, “But I didn’t get around to it.”
“You gave birth to our daughter. That trumps cake,” Ford assured me.
“Just don’t expect a baby every birthday,” I muttered, exhaustion making me loopy.
“Oh no, I don’t think I could survive another one like this,” Ford said quickly.
“You’re going to have to share them from now on.” My voice was faint. I wanted to explain that I meant his birthday, but sleep started to take me.
“I can’t wait,” I heard him say, and I smiled, because he understood.
I dozed off and on. Ford changed her diaper and brought her to me to nurse throughout the night. Around dawn, I woke up to hear him humming to her. He looked up and smiled when he saw I was awake. He stood up gently, so he didn’t disturb her, and walked over to me.
He whispered, “Her hair is curly.” Startled by that information, I looked up at him, his hair a little longer than normal, making his own curls noticeable. I’d been so exhausted; I hadn’t had a chance to inspect her. Ford had reassured me at some point in the night that she had ten fingers and toes, but I’d yet to see for myself.
I unwrapped the blanket, examining her, and she squirmed, as my fingers brushed over her tiny hands and feet. Her fingernails were impossibly tiny and I worried how I was going to clip them. She gripped my finger with surprising strength for something so small. I pushed the cap off of her head and saw what Ford meant. She had a head full of light brown curls. “Look at all of that hair,” I whispered in awe. “I thought she’d be bald.”
Ford gave a quiet laugh. “I’m afraid that’s an Anderson trait. Both of us were born with a head full of hair.” He ran his hand over her soft curls, and from the joy on his face I knew he was happy they shared this.
My chest ached from the sheer love I felt for her. Ford rubbed my neck and placed a soft kiss on my cheek. “You made this amazing creature. You’re incredible,” he whispered softly. “You amaze me more every day.”
“She is pretty incredible,” I agreed, my cheeks flushing at his compliment.
“Yep, just like her mom,” Ford replied, as we stared at her. I couldn’t help but watch, as she slept, her lips pursed, as I stroked the softest skin I’d ever felt. Tears welled in my eyes, as I tried to imagine ever giving her up. I was grateful we could raise her, no matter how difficult it might be.
“Thank you for knowing I could never let her go,” I told him, pushing my head into the crook of his shoulder and allowing his shirt to soak up my tears.
“Thank you for having her. We’re in this together. I wouldn’t know her, if it wasn’t for you,” he replied, his arm tightening around me.
“They would have sold her,” I whispered brokenly, the memory of my parents discussing her as a commodity pushing into my mind. “My pregnancy only became acceptable when they thought they’d get something for her. Why are they like that?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think we can ever understand their logic,” Ford murmured against my hair.
“I could never abandon her. I couldn’t throw her away, no matter what happened. How could they?” I cried, feelings I’d suppressed from their rejection overwhelming me. How could they abandon me? I was their daughter. They’d held me when I was born, watched me grow. Did they ever love me? How could my accidental pregnancy make them reject me so completely? I sobbed against Ford, as I held my daughter in my arms. Her birth brought me the greatest love I’d ever known, and I couldn’t understand my parent’s complete lack of love for me in that moment.
“I don’t know, but we will never be them,” Ford promised me, his voice guttural. He let me cry, holding me through it and whispering comforting words. Once the tears finally stopped, I felt empty, but it was a good feeling. The weight of their rejection was gone now, leaving me light. Today with our daughter was a new beginning, and I was free to enjoy it.
“You want to take a shower?” Ford asked, after a few minutes. The thought of a shower perked me up. I was beyond sore at this point and hot water beating down on me sounded heavenly. I handed him the baby and groaned, as I got out of the bed. I shuffled to the shower feeling like an old lady.
“Your bag is on the counter in there,” Ford called after me. I waved my arm in acknowledgement. After standing under the water for several minutes, I scrubbed every inch of me. The scent of childbirth seemed to cling to me. It was like a combination of blood, sweat and urine.
I felt more human and less zombie, as I climbed out of the shower. I dried off and pulled on my maternity clothes, since my stomach was still swollen. I grabbed the thickest pad I’d ever seen and put it in mesh panties the hospital provided. The nurse told me I’d continue to bleed like a period for a few weeks, but seriously! This pad was gigantic.
I shuffled back into the room. Muscles I never knew I had protested the movement. I guessed pushing a watermelon out of my vagina would do that.
Someone knocked on the door, so I told them to come in. They needed to do a hearing test on the baby. We agreed and I watched her, but I was still not sure what they were testing for.
After a few minutes she started wailing, and my nipples tightened, as I felt my breasts swell. They handed her to me, and I attempted to get her to latch on. It didn’t work, and she wouldn’t stop crying. Her head turned and her cries were more plaintive. After a few minutes of listening to her cry and push against me, I felt frustrated tears of my own.
Suddenly, there was a nurse helping me calm her down, and then she finally latched on.
“There we go,” the nurse said, smiling. “It takes time at first, but soon enough you’ll both be pros.”
“Thank you,” I said, giving her a relieved smile. “I couldn’t think for the crying,” I admitted, embarrassed.
“Nothing quite as pitiful as a newborn’s cry,” she agreed sympathetically. “Call if you need anything,” she said, leaving the room.
“Sorry. I called for the nurse. They said to call if you had trouble nursing,” Ford said, giving me a concerned look.
“No. Thank you. I’ll take all the help I can get.” I smiled at him, grateful he’d kept a clear head through the crying. I felt completely unprepared to take care of her. I couldn’t imagine not having her, but the sense of inadequacy I felt was frightening.
They released us that night, and while I was relieved to go home, I couldn’t believe they were letting us leave with her. The nurse checked the car seat and waved us off.
Ford drove us home, as I sat in a daze. Yesterday morning, she was safe in my womb, and now she was in the world completely dependent on me for everything. I needed to know which cry meant she was hungry, or need changing, or if she was hurt. My mind spun with everything I needed to do and I wanted to cry.
I felt a warm hand cover mine.
“It’s going to be fine,” he told me, his voice confident. I must’ve looked at him in disbelief, because he laughed. “We are not the first to bring a newborn home. I think we can manage.”
His words actually helped relieve my tension. I knew he was right, even if it felt like we were the first people to ever do this. “Deep breath,” he said, and I took a deep breath, his eyes peeking at me from the road. “Watch the road!” I cried, glancing back at our daughter asleep in her car seat. He looked back at the road muttering, “Sorry. I won’t look from the road again.”
“I feel like a lunatic,” I admitted, my fingers tightening on his.
“I think it’s to be expected,” he said agreeably. I saw a smile flit across his lips, and I was relieved he was taking my psycho self in stride.
Once we got home, he carried the car seat inside. I smell food cooking, and my eyes widened, as I took in the spotless apartment. I raised my eyebrows at Ford, but he shrugged his shoulders looking as confused as I felt. I wandered into the kitchen and saw a note on the bar.
Welcome home! I called a maid service and they cleaned the apartment. I pulled one of the dinners Martha prepared for you out of the freezer and put it in the oven. Ford called me last night to tell me you had my namesake! I forgive you for not being the one to tell me. Pushing a 7lb baby out of your vagina was an acceptable excuse. He also called right before you left the hospital, so I knew when to pop the dinner in the oven. Granted, I think I forgot to tell him why I wanted him to call me when y’all left. Details. I promise I wasn’t trying to burn the house down. I skedaddled so you could enjoy your first night at home with the new baby, but I’ll be back to meet the cutie tomorrow.
XXXOOO
Olivia
“Olivia,” I told him, laughing at her note, and he nodded his head in understanding.
“You want to put Grace in the cradle?” he asked, quietly. We’d spoken in hushed tones, since she’d come into the world. At some point, we’d have to speak normally, but I was fearful of breaking the spell we’d fallen under.
I agreed, and we gently moved her to the cradle. I’d never considered the cradle huge, until I saw her tiny body lying in it. She whimpered slightly, as I set her down, but settled down almost immediately. I tiptoed backwards out of the bedroom, finding it hard to take my eyes off her.
The next weeks were a blur. We functioned about as well as zombies after several sleepless nights.
I was terrified Ford would cut his arm off at work, because he fell asleep on his feet. When I admitted my fear to Martha, she laughed and told me that Ford took a nap at work when he got there.
When he got home that night, I must have been terrifying, as I came out of the bedroom with the baby in my arms crying. He immediately started backing up and asking if he could help.
“You’ve been sleeping without me?” I hissed, the betrayal growing in my mind, as the day went on. “You go there and get to sleep uninterrupted?” I paused, my eyes wild. “Why don’t you take me with you?”
“Because then the baby would be there too?” he answered hesitantly, his tone fearful of my reaction. But in my sleep-deprived mind, it made sense. I lost steam and dropped onto the couch, defeated by the tiny human in my arms. She’d won. I’d never sleep again.
Ford was still hovering against the wall, glancing at the door in case he needed to run. I narrowed my eyes at him, “I’m too tired to kill you, so get your butt in here and help me,” I growled menacingly. He straightened up and came into the living room, reaching down to take Grace.
“Do you want to go take a shower, while I make dinner?”
“Are you saying I stink?” I shot back, defensive, because I could smell myself. I sniffed and got a whiff of spoiled milk. I wrinkled my nose, as I ran a hand through my greasy hair.
“Nope. You smell like a mommy,” he said, pulling me to my feet. I had notebooks open on the coffee table. School had started back, and I was desperately trying to keep up with my two classes. Clean clothes were piled in the chair where I’d dumped them, waiting to be folded. My stomach rumbled from hunger. I was pretty sure I’d eaten a sandwich at some point, but I couldn’t be certain. My life felt like it was spinning out of control.
“Take a shower. I’ve got this,” Ford said, pressing a kiss to my forehead before pushing me toward the bedroom.
I stumbled into the shower and let the hot water clear my mind. I couldn’t rush the process, as I methodically washed my hair and shaved. The water created a cocoon around me, as I raised my face to the spray and let it beat down on me.
Finally, I got out and took my time drying off. It occurred to me, that I’d reached the end of my rope. I’d been trying so hard to do everything, but I couldn’t.
Ford tried to help, but I’d gotten into the habit of turning down any help, assuming I needed to do everything myself. Martha had told me to call her and she’d come by, or I could come to work with Ford and she’d watch the baby. I’d turned her down, and even Olivia had attempted to help, offering to bring dinner by a couple nights.
I stood there naked in the bathroom, my hand on a belly still swollen from carrying a baby for nine months, and had an epiphany.
I needed help and that was perfectly okay.
There was a soft knock on the door before it pushed open. Ford stood there looking at me before he said, “I was getting a little worried.”
“I need help,” I blurted out, dazed by my realization. He hurried in, grabbing a towel to wrap around me. “Are you hurt? Did you slip?” he asked, looking me over, as he dried me briskly with the towel.
“No, no. I mean I need help with Grace. I can’t do it all by myself,” I told him, relief washing over me, as I admitted it aloud.
“Ah, babe. I can help. Martha and Olivia will help,” he said, pulling me into a tight hug. “We’re here and we want to help.”
“I know. Now. It took me a while to realize it,” I replied, hugging him back.
“So you had this epiphany in the shower?” he questioned, holding the towel around me.
“Nope, standing here naked,” I told him ruefully, a flush climbing my cheeks, as I realized I was standing naked except for the towel. And Ford was holding me.
“Naked bathroom epiphanies are the best,” he joked, letting me go. “Are you good? Dinner is ready if you want to come eat.”
My stomach chose that moment to grumble loudly. Ford laughed, and I was beet red at this point. “I’ll take that as a yes. Get dressed and meet me at the table.”
“What, you don’t like towel couture?” I quipped without thinking.
I closed my eyes when I realized what I’d said, as he replied, huskily, “Oh I like it. But it’s entirely too distracting for dinner,” he finished against my ear, the warm whisper of his breath causing me to shiver. “You should probably get dressed before you freeze to death,” he told me with a wink, as he strolled out of the bathroom.
My cheeks were bright red when I looked in the mirror, but I couldn’t wipe the stupid grin off my face.
We settled into a routine over the next few weeks. Martha watched Grace a couple of mornings a week, so I could focus on my schoolwork.
Ford and I agreed that he’d leave work early, so I could start back at the leasing office a few days a week.
Olivia stopped by for dinner once a week, dinner that she provided from the restaurant of her choice. For someone that showed a marked distaste for pregnancy and infants, she was remarkably fond of Grace. Ford claimed it was because they shared a name and I couldn’t disagree. She used her full name, Grace Olivia, every chance she got, and it seemed like every time she showed up, she had a new outfit for her. I let her do it, and I even convinced her to change a diaper once.
“Grace Olivia is wet,” Olivia told me, holding Grace out to me.
“You can change her,” I said, biting back a smile. Olivia’s nose twitched, as she gave me a hard stare. “Okay,” she said, and my eyebrows shot up.
“Aunt Livie will change you, sweetheart,” she cooed to Grace, laying her down on the couch. She placed a hand on Grace’s belly and reached over into the diaper bag, grabbing a diaper and the baby wipes. I sat in silence, as she awkwar
dly changed her diaper. I honestly didn’t think she could do it, but I was wrong. Grace didn’t even whimper during the process. Olivia baby-talked with her the entire time, as Grace blew bubbles. I was impressed when she finished and picked her up.
“That was harder than you made it look,” Olivia admitted with a sigh, as she sat back with Grace. At that, I laughed, until tears came to my eyes, and Olivia gave me a lopsided smile.
“I can’t believe you did it and you didn’t even need help,” I finally gasped, attempting to catch my breath.
“I’ve watched you do it. It looked simple enough. My pride was on the line,” she replied, with an eye roll.
Ford
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