"You really don't get it, do you?"
"If I did I wouldn't be fucking asking you, would I?" His voice is coming out in a frustrated growl. We've never been in a real fight...until now.
The tears trail down my face and I can't find it in me to scream. I'm hurt. I would have expected anything else from him, but not this. "You took away my right to choose, and that's something you swore to never do. That is why I'm walking away. Not because I want him or have any feelings left for him, and not because he saw me having sex with my boyfriend, the guy I'm in love with, but because you promised I would always have a choice and you took it without a second thought at all. Let me go, Haddox. I'm going home."
He places his hands on my face, looking me in the eyes. "I told you I was a piece of shit. I tried to tell you I have no filter. I'm fucked up inside. I told you if you stayed that you would be choosing to live in the dark. When are you going to fucking listen to me? You deserve better than me, Piper, but I can't let you go. I won't."
In all of that he never said the one thing that could make me stay: I'm sorry. I'm better than excuses. When I love, I love with all my heart. I'm not settling anymore. I will never be held prisoner to someone again. Dammit, I deserve to be someone's everything. I deserve to be good enough to want to try for. I never asked him to change. My heart is breaking. "I can't do this with you anymore. I'm sorry, Haddox."
He presses his lips to mine, kissing me anxiously, but I don't return the kiss. He notices. His voice is becoming panicked. "What happened to you staying? What happened to you not leaving me for my past?"
If I continue to get into this with him he'll never let me leave. I'm not leaving him for his past. I'm leaving him for the way he is. I'm leaving because instead of asking me about Cole, he took it upon himself to think with the head of his cock instead of the head that houses his brain. "What happened to you trusting me? What happened to you believing me until I prove otherwise? An apology could have turned it all around, but your self-inflicting hatred for yourself over your past stood in the way, so now it means nothing. You can't blame everything on your past, Haddox. At some point you have to stand tall and admit that you fucked up, learn from it, and move forward. I was willing to love you knowing your past or not. Your past has nothing to do with it."
I grab his hands and pry them from my face. "Don't go," he whispers. "Please don't go."
"Give me a reason to stay, Haddox."
His eyes search mine. He looks like he's about to say something, but he refrains. Everything I had inside just shattered. He stands upright, letting me go, but he doesn't stop looking at me. There is one more thing I want to say and then I'm leaving. "I guess sometimes two opposite forces aren't meant to reconcile, no matter how much they want to collide. Goodbye, Haddox."
I turn away from the one man that's capable of destroying me, knowing that when this sinks in there will be nothing left of me, but I won't be a weak girl that constantly submits to a man and doesn't get the same in return. A relationship is give and take. If the two aren't in balance it will never work.
A cab stops and I open the door. I look back at Haddox through the distance one last time. He's standing in the rain in his tux, water dripping down his face. He's beautiful and he has my heart in his hands. I get into the cab and instruct him where to go, before completely breaking down.
"There is never anything on anymore. I have no idea why I pay for cable. It's nothing but reruns." I shut the TV off and toss the remote down on the couch. "Maybe I should think about a new roommate. Great, now I'm talking to myself."
I grab my wine glass and take a sip. A light knock sounds at the door. Well I'm not expecting anyone. Reese is on the west coast at a fight. I stand and set my glass back down on the side table, before walking to the door. I stand on my tiptoes to look through the peephole. Short people never have the advantage. All I can see is wet, brown hair. Wet, brown hair....
Immediately I open the door. "Piper? What the hell? You look like a zombie. What happened to you? Where is Haddox?"
The sound of his name sends her into a meltdown. My eyes widen. She's shivering from her dress being stuck to her. What the fuck is going on here?
I pull her inside and shut the door. "Piper, where is Haddox?"
She starts screaming a bunch of gibberish. The only word I can make out is over. I'm going to kill him. I swear on everything his balls are mine. No one listens to me. This is why I asked him to stay away from her. "I'll be right back."
I run to the bathroom to get a towel and a change of clothes. She's barely standing, resembling a dishrag more than a human with a bone structure. I start towel drying her hair, but she's crying so hard that she's barely breathing. She's panicking, and starting to choke on her own air. Shit! What am I supposed to do? I suddenly remember the few Xanax I have left of a prescription that was given to me when I starting having anxiety attacks from when my ex went through a crazy stage; the main reason I decided to apply for fashion school here. It was further away from him.
I rush back to my room and dig through the bathroom cabinet until I find my medicine bag. I have to read a few bottles before I find the one I'm looking for. I run back to the kitchen with the bottle in hand, opening it as I go. Pulling out one tiny pill, I set the bottle back on the counter and fill a glass with water.
Piper has already slumped down to the floor, screaming and crying in her wet gown. I squat down in front of her, trying to get her attention. "Shh, shh, shh. Calm down. I need you to breathe. Her breaths are still short and quick, little noises coming out with it, panicking from the lack of oxygen. "Open your mouth."
She does as I say and I place the pill inside, holding the rim of the glass to her lips. "Drink." I tilt the glass back, allowing the water to flow into her mouth. She swallows, her breaths still uneven. "Inhale deeply and exhale, then repeat. I need you to breathe."
She works to follow my instruction, attempting to calm down. The tears still stain her face, flowing constantly without stopping. "Do you want to talk about it?" She instantly starts to shake her head. "Okay. I won't pressure you. Let me help you change. You need to sleep." She nods and I help her out of her soaking wet dress that is creating a puddle on the floor. Her breathing is still a little uneven, but she’s at least able to breathe deeper than before.
I grab her arm and pull her to her feet, wrapping her in the towel until I can get her away from the wet floor and the contents that it holds. I lead her to her old room and sit her on the edge of the made up bed, pulling the comforter down as she does. I pick up the tee shirt and hold it over her head as she raises her arms, allowing me to dress her.
She slumps back over and her feet are turned in, her knees touching each other. She's like a grown baby. I'm getting really pissed off and I want to know what happened. When I did her makeup earlier she was hopelessly in love. I place her underwear on her feet and pull them up her legs until they reach her thighs. She finally grabs the waist and finishes pulling them on before crawling to the top of the bed and burrowing under the covers.
"Do you need me to lay with you?"
She shakes her head. "I. Want. To- to. Smell. Him," she says in a stuttering cry as she pulls the pillow next to her body and conforms herself to it. I hear her inhale and the cry calms. "I still love you," she whines as she noticeably drifts off to sleep. Again, I'm going to fucking kill him...as soon as I get my hands on him.
I back out of the room and shut off the light. I quietly shut the door and search for my phone. Pulling it off the charger, I pull his contact information up and start the call. It rings three times before going to voicemail. That's okay.... I'm not above leaving messages.
“Haddox-
It's Liv. You better have a good fucking reason why I just had to deal with the situation that walked in my door. Call me back or I will come find your ass. I warned you about this before you ever fucking touched her. I specifically remember threatening you if you stripped her bare. Well, shit's about to hit the fan. Don't leave me h
anging. I'm pissed.”
I disconnect the call and start pacing the floor. My nerves are climbing with every thought that plagues my mind. I spot my wine and pick it up, draining the glass. My own eyes begin to fill with tears. I've always been tenderhearted when it comes to my friends. I've never seen her that broken. My heart is aching for her. This has to be fixable. It just has to be.
One week later...
I quickly wrap my hands to get ready for the fight. My ass is already on probation for that shit I pulled a month ago. I had to pick up some shitty fights to make up for it, on top of being slapped with a fine. In the end it doesn't matter though. A fight is a fight, whether it's against a good fighter or barely over an amateur. A win is a win whether it's by an inch or a mile.
I crack my neck to the side and start to swing my arms back and forth, loosening up. A knock sounds at the door. "Who is it?" I grab the pull up bar and pull up five times. No one answers. The knock sounds again. "Who is it? Fuck."
I walk to the door and open it to a pissed off short person on the other side. I hold the door open, creating a barrier with my arm. "What do you want? I'm about to fight."
She ducks under my arm and moves past me. Sometimes short people have the advantage. I slam the door and turn around. "That wasn't an invite."
"I didn't ask for one."
"What do you want, Alyvia? I'm not in the mood for your shit. I have a fight."
"Well, see, that's the funny thing. You would know what I wanted if you would return my calls, asshole."
"I have nothing to say to you."
"The fuck you don’t. You owe me an explanation, Haddox. You forget that I don't put up with your controlling bullshit. You can feed that vague ass mystery man shit to someone else, because I don't fall for it. We've been friends for a while now, so I'm going to ask you again, what did you do to her?"
"Like you don't know what happened. I'm not stupid, Alyvia. I know she's told you."
"Okay, I guess that's fair. She did tell me her side yesterday, but that's the thing about two different people. There are always two sides to every story, because no two people think the same. I have found over the course of my life that most things end this way because of a miscommunication or because of stubborn pride."
"There is no miscommunication when someone says it's over and I'm done. She made her decision. I never asked her to walk away. I won't force her to stay."
"Oh my gosh, you're such a fucking guy. What is wrong with you? When you decided to give dating a shot did you really think it was all easy? People fight, Haddox. They say things they don't mean when mad or hurt. They even say they are done sometimes just to see if you'll beg them to stay. To a literal person like you it may seem stupid, but to someone that's never had someone want them in return it makes sense. No girl wants to be the girl you can live with. She wants to be the girl you can't live without."
"She knew I wanted her. She left anyway."
"Did she? Or did you just expect her to know...because there is a difference."
I run my fingers through my hair frustrated. This is so damn confusing. "Fuck, I don't know, Alyvia. What was I supposed to say?"
"Uh.... how you feel for one. Do you want her?"
"Yes, what kind of stupid ass question is that? I was with her, wasn't I?"
"When you realized you upset her what did you do?"
"I'm an asshole. I wasn't raised around nice apologetic people. I was beaten from the time I was seven till the day I walked away at eighteen. I'm fucking sorry if I never learned the manners that exist in society. Give me a break."
She looks stunned for a moment before she shakes it off. Her eyes soften a little. This is why I don't tell people. I don't need pity. I need to fucking forget. Everyone that's ever been in a bad situation knows that every time you bring it up it's living it all over again, because for someone that endured the pain, the memories are just as painful as the act was itself. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because I don't want you or anyone else to feel sorry for me. I have enough fucked up memories and shit to deal with, without going over it constantly. It's no one's business but mine. I've been fighting these demons all my life. I'll continue to armor up for war every day that I wake up."
She grabs my hand and leads me to the small couch, pushing me into a sitting position. She sits in front of me on the table. Why do I get the feeling a lecture is coming? I'm twenty-seven years old for fucks sake. She's younger than me. "Haddox, you don't have to tell everyone to tell those that are important to you. What do you think those people are for? It's not to judge you or to feel sorry for you, it's to understand so they can be strong when you break. Everyone needs someone to be their support system, their backbone. I don't need to know all the details, but the person you care about, like Piper, does. Did it ever occur to you that by opening up, it could bring the two of you closer? If you would let her in, then she would understand when you react out of self-preservation like you did the other night. No one expects you to be perfect, but they can't understand if you don't give them the option."
I lean forward and press my forehead in the palms of my hands. "My life used to be so simple. This is complicated. Feelings mess shit up. They aren't predictable. I need my life to be predictable, because I lived my entire adolescence walking on eggshells."
"A life void of emotion is no life at all, Haddox. You deserve to be happy. What are you so afraid of?"
"I have secrets, Liv; secrets that I've never told anyone. I've done some bad shit. If I keep them to myself, then no one else has to risk getting involved. Then, I don't have to risk being left behind…again."
She scoots off the table and stands on her knees, taking my hands in hers. "Babe, that's the beauty of love. It's an imperfectly perfect act. You accept the bad with the good. You don't leave someone in the dark to try and protect them. You share it to stay in the light. It's like a balancing beam. You even out the weight so the other doesn't sink. When you love someone, nothing they could say or do would change that, but a relationship can't work if you don't fight to keep it afloat."
"You keep saying love. I don't know if I love her. I don't know what it's like to feel loved by someone else, much less return the emotion."
"Only you will know, Haddox. I can't tell you if you love her, but I can tell you that it's not black and white. Loving someone is complex. It's something you work at every day. It's something that starts with the heart and builds with the soul. I can tell you one thing, though." She points her index finger into the left side of my chest. "If you don't forgive your own heart for the things you've done, then you can't love someone else. Love starts with oneself. Then and only then, can you love someone else. There is no room for love in a heart full of hatred. You have to get rid of one to obtain the other."
She stands without another word and gives me a hug. "It's just a little food for thought. She's hurting, Haddox."
I watch her walk away, leaving me with a head full of questions and no answers. My head is in a haze and I've got to fight soon. The door opens again and Matt walks in. "You're up."
I nod and stand, ready to get this shit over with. My head isn't in it tonight. I go through the motions of the introduction, wasting no time taking my place inside the octagon. My opponent tonight is Axel. He's good, not someone I need to take lightly.
He takes his place and they close the octagon, locking us in. We're called to center with the referee to call the fight and go over the same old shit they always do. We knock fists and round one begins. My eyes lock with his and we begin. He plunges first, but I swing out with my right fist before he grabs me, knocking him in the jaw. It throws his balance off and I drive my shoulders into his torso, plowing him into the cage.
He tries to raise his knee, but I block it. He starts swinging at my head with both arms, trying to get me to release him. He brings his knee up again and I grab him behind the knee, pulling it out so he loses his balance, falling to the floor. Once he's on the ground I pretty much have
him.
I straddle his body before he can move, swinging at the side of his head with both arms. He tries to protect his head with his own, but I never let up. He tries to buck upward, anything to throw me off. Piper's face on the night she asked me to give her a reason to stay flashes through my mind, distracting me. I wanted to tell her something, anything, but I realized that I had nothing to offer her, and that scared me. I would always be capable of hurting her the way I did. It's in me to fuck up.
The end of round one buzzer sounds pulling me out of my head. I stand, making my way to my side for water. I grab the fence with both hands, trying to catch my breath. Sweat is already covering my body. I make the mistake of looking in the crowd for Piper and Alyvia's seats. She's been to every fight she could since that first fight, but tonight the seats are empty. It's messing with my head on top of everything Alyvia was saying earlier. It doesn't matter. I have a fight to win.
Round two is ready to begin. I place my hands up, ready to have at him again. He takes his time coming at me this time, not wanting to give himself away. We circle on the balls of our feet, slowly coming toward each other. He swings out with a flat hand, trying to slap me, but I knock it out of the way. Nice try.
I move forward, closing in on him. I throw a jab, popping him in the nose, and he stumbles backward. He keeps his hands up, trying to avoid another hit to the face. He runs at me, swinging for my cheek with all of his body weight behind it. He succeeds when his fist slams into my upper jaw and temple. It throws me back into the cage and my vision temporarily blacks out. I'm at a disadvantage and he knows it.
He pins me against the cage, driving each fist into my ribcage over and over, knocking my air from my lungs. I try to elbow him in the head, but he dodges and starts to use his knee. He's trying to tire me out, pulling me to the ground. I swing my fists over and over, but he's got his shoulder into my torso, making a good hit difficult. He's pissing me off.
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