“You’re blaming me for the fact that they answer back to me and argue?”
“Harry, you’re half the problem.”
“How so?” he asked angrily.
“You have to try to interact with the children. They’re not just to be ordered about and controlled. You have to show a little understanding.”
“When have I not been understanding, for God’s sake?”
“Well, you weren’t very kind to Jeremy.”
“Oh, so we’re back to that again.”
“You must have noticed how withdrawn he’s become.”
“Because of me? Lily, you have a problem—you don’t understand that your children are growing up. You’ve indulged them so much that they expect the world to cater to them!”
“Harry, you’re far too hard on Jeremy. You always have been.”
“Jeremy’s starting to become a man. He’s quiet because there are things he doesn’t care to share with us.”
“Doesn’t that trouble you?”
“Not at all. I didn’t run home with every little thing to Mom and Dad when I was that age.”
“You and he are different people, Harry!”
“Lily, you’ve always had this idea that children need constant love and attention. Well, maybe what they need is a little more discipline and a little less coddling!”
“It doesn’t help to criticize them constantly.”
“Dammit, I try to be the best father I know how. And if that doesn’t suit you, Lily, then that’s just too damn bad!”
Abruptly he switched off his bedside lamp, pulled up the covers, and shut his eyes.
By the time Lily woke up the next day, Harry was in his study, working with a feverish compulsion, and the door remained closed for virtually the rest of the summer.
After Labor Day, Drew and Randy were off for Deerbrook Academy. It came as no surprise to Lily that, unlike poor Jeremy, the younger boys were actually eager to leave home.
Lily was apprehensive about the coming departures but she comforted herself with the thought that Melissa would still be hers. But to her utter shock, her daughter had other plans. “Amy is going to Miss Parker’s, and I want to go, too!”
“But Melissa, darling, you don’t want to leave Daddy and me, do you?”
Melissa was defiant. “The boys get to go to boarding school. I should too.”
Lily was saddened to the point of depression by the prospect of losing all her children at once, but the three younger ones headed off to their new schools without so much as a backward glance. Only Jeremy seemed to share his mother’s unhappiness. His somber face haunted her as he stood on the steps at Exeter, his arm forlornly upraised in what she took to be his wave farewell.
Inwardly Lily wept. This should have been the most memorable summer of his life—the last of his childhood—and he had spent it knowing himself to be a failure in his father’s eyes.
No, Lily could not forgive Harry, and there was cold silence in the car as they drove back from New Hampshire.
Chapter 23
AS THE FALL TURNED to winter, Lily gradually fell into a state of resignation. Harry remained his sometimes cantankerous self; life with him was the way it had always been. Lily resolved to make the best of it. At least the children weren’t around for Lily and Harry to quarrel about.
Harry began a new novel, one that obsessed him with the same passion he’d given the Archie Sanger trilogy. The plot was complex because of its generational and geographical sweep, but for Harry the key to its appeal was its Israeli setting. He had never overcome his guilt for marrying outside his religion, and the idea of describing the birth of the new Jewish state haunted him day and night. It was all he thought about from the moment he woke up to the moment he fell asleep. The deeper he became involved in developing the plot, the more he realized that he would never succeed without help. Until now, though he had occasionally tried hiring researchers, he had never been satisfied with their work, or so he said. In truth, researching was a feature of his writing that he cherished, and he never trusted anyone to do as thorough a job as himself. But this new project was of such epic proportions, he was forced to concede that he could not do it alone. Reluctantly he hired Gloria Williams, a middle-aged woman, to serve as his typist, and Rafi Jacobs and Anthony Bart as researchers. These two had worked on De Mille’s Cleopatra, as well as the film version of Archie Sanger.
With the children gone, Harry found the peace and tranquility he had so often longed for. He looked forward to delving into his work and relished the thought of a quiet house.
But Lily found the silence oppressive. With no career and no real hobbies of her own, she had little to occupy her time. And with Harry locked up with his new novel, she found herself lonelier than ever. She began to wonder if she’d made a mistake in devoting herself exclusively to her family for so many years.
One evening, when Harry asked if they might invite Ellis up for the weekend, she was thrilled at the prospect of a guest. The next Friday afternoon found her waiting in the driveway for Ellis’s Bentley.
“Oh, Ellis! I’m so glad to see you!” she cried when at last he arrived.
Ellis beamed. “God, Lily, it’s been too long. I’ve been so busy, I haven’t seen you all summer. How have you been?”
“Just fine, Ellis,” she said, mustering a smile.
“The boys got off all right, I presume. I understand that Melissa put up a fuss to get to go away to school, too.”
“How did you know?”
“Harry told me.”
“I wasn’t sure he’d noticed,” she said, stopping herself before she said something she’d regret. “Just leave your bags and I’ll have Joe come out and get them. Let’s sit on the terrace and have a drink.”
Cocktails in hand, they watched the lengthening shadows in silence. Now that Ellis had a chance to look at her more closely, he was a little concerned.
Lily seemed to have lost a good deal of weight, but more than that, her enthusiasm seemed to have vanished, the light in her eyes had dimmed. She was still beautiful, still charming and gracious—but some of her old spark, that electricity he’d felt the first time he’d met her, was gone.
Ever since that night of the housewarming, he had suspected that there were problems. But whenever she spoke of Harry, she never hinted at what the trouble might be.
Ellis decided to broach the subject. “You miss the children, don’t you?”
“Terribly,” she sighed.
“But it’s more than that. I can tell.”
“Oh … I hate to burden you with my problems.”
“Lily, I told you a long time ago that if you need a friend, I’m always here. Now what’s troubling you?”
“Well, Ellis … I don’t know. It’s just that Harry works so hard. He’s so consumed by what he’s doing—”
At that moment, Harry came through the French doors. “Do I hear my name being taken in vain?” he said, clapping Ellis on the back. “I could sure do with one of your famous martinis.”
Lily and Ellis didn’t have a chance to resume their interrupted conversation until Sunday morning after breakfast, when Harry had gone up to his study to work. Ellis came upon Lily as she was working in her rose garden. For a moment, he just watched her in silence while she didn’t know she was being observed. She was utterly enchanting. Ellis knew then that if he could have chosen any woman in the world, it would be she.
This was the first time he had allowed himself to spend a weekend with her and Harry in a long while, but his long absence had failed to dim his affection. If anything, he found himself more drawn than ever.
Finally Lily sensed his presence. She looked up and smiled. Ellis took her hand and helped her to her feet. “You look wonderful, Lily.” Then, slightly embarrassed, he continued. “I love that straw hat.”
Lily laughed aloud. “This old thing? I’ve had it for almost twenty years!”
“It’s still lovely. As you are.”
A long silence e
nsued. Finally, Ellis broke it, saying gently, “Lily … I’m concerned. Is there anything bothering you?”
Half smiling, Lily shook her head but avoided his probing gaze. “Not really … How about some coffee under the tree? I’m ready for a little shade at this point.”
“I’d like that.”
Lily went and brought back a tray. They walked down the path to the shade of the linden tree. As Lily set out the china, Ellis looked up at the sky. It was so peaceful, so lovely. Even as it was happening, he knew this was a moment to be cherished.
Lily poured him a cup of coffee and added two teaspoons of sugar. How like her to remember how he took it, he thought. But even as she passed it to him in silence, Ellis detected a mournful note in her graceful manner. The reason for her despair seemed clear. Harry neglected her. It was as simple as that.
Sure he was not mistaken, Ellis persisted in his questioning. “Lily,” he said simply, “are you happy?”
Lily averted her eyes. “No one has everything they want,” she said uncertainly.
“And what is it you’d wish for if your wish could come true?”
“Oh, Ellis, not any one thing. It’s just that I miss the children. And I miss Harry. I think the thing that hurts most is that however much I miss them all, none of them seems to miss me.”
Lily stopped abruptly. She had said more than she’d wanted to. But somehow she could no longer pretend, either to herself or to Ellis.
Ellis looked deep into her eyes. “You can tell me anything, Lily. Everything. You need someone to talk to.” He paused, then ventured, “And isn’t there more to it than just your children going off to school?”
Lily sighed. “Oh, Ellis, it’s more than that. Harry is obsessed with this new book. I scarcely see him. Tell me, are all authors so unapproachable?”
“Some are, some aren’t. Some are terribly intense and many are recluses. I have to admit that there are pretty few who have happy homes and marriages.”
“But Harry is married, and I want us to be happy. So what I need to know is, what drives him so?”
“To be honest, Lily, I think he’s still trying to prove that he’s a success—to you, to himself, but mainly to his family, the Kohles. And I’m sorry to say that he may never get over that need. I really think an abiding lack of faith in himself is what makes Harry tick.”
She laughed incredulously. “But he already has proved himself to his family. And certainly to me. He has enormous celebrity. We have more money than we’ll ever be able to use. Can’t he see that?”
“I see it, and you do, but I think Harry still has his doubts.”
Lily shook her head sadly. “Isn’t it a shame? He’s missing so much when it’s all right in front of him.”
Ellis probed further. “Have you ever told him how you feel about his neglecting you? Asked him to spend more time with you?”
“Not in so many words. I guess deep down I feel he can’t change. And I don’t really want to change him; I love him. It just seems that life has gotten in the way.”
Ellis was torn. Lily was so vulnerable just now. If he wanted to, he could easily influence her against Harry. But his conscience would not allow him to take advantage of her doubts and loneliness. Still, in good conscience he couldn’t say, “It’s going to be all right, Lily,” when he knew it wasn’t true. What she needed was honesty, not easy platitudes. Ellis chose his words carefully.
“It’s very tough to live in the shadow of someone like Harry. Someone as devoted as he is to his craft. Lily, maybe you can’t do anything to lessen Harry’s compulsion, but you can do something about your own life.”
“What, Ellis? What can I do?”
“Look, Lily. I know that I suggested this place. I was all for the move from the farm. But now I know it’s wrong for you. When I told Harry that it would be perfect for your family, I had no idea that all the children would be going to boarding school. This is no place for you to live alone.”
Lily winced. Living with Harry was like living alone.
Ellis continued. “Why don’t you consider moving to Manhattan?”
“Move—away from The Meadows? Ellis, we’re just now settling in! Why, Harry would never hear of it. He loves this place.”
“I’m not saying sell it; you could make it your weekend home. Come up here for the whole summer, if you’d like. At this point he could write anywhere. I’m thinking of you. You need the stimulation of a wider world, an outlet for all your talents and energies. You’re a remarkable woman. You don’t give yourself nearly enough credit.”
Lily was deeply flattered by the compliment. But move to the city? Her mind reeled.
“What could I do in Manhattan? I’m not qualified for anything in particular, and Harry wouldn’t want me to work, I’m sure.”
“I’m not suggesting you work in the strictest sense. You could do any number of things: volunteer work, charity organizations. You’ve been so isolated out in the country, you don’t realize that there is a world out there that would welcome you—and your talents.”
“Ellis, you’re always so full of praise. I don’t deserve half of it.”
Ellis raised his right hand and smiled. “The whole truth and nothing but the truth. I swear.” He paused, then continued. “I’ve known it from the first time I saw you, that night I came out to the farm, how special you are.”
Lily flushed with pleasure. In that moment, she realized how long it had been since Harry had given her any kind of compliment.
“You just don’t know your own worth, Lily. Why, you’re the last princess in town.”
Laughing, she asked, “What does that mean?”
“You’re the last of a rare breed,” he said thoughtfully. “Loyal and courageous and loving. You’ve stayed with Harry through thick and thin, with no word of complaint. And I’m sure you’ve had your moments of despair. But just now I think it’s time you thought of yourself for a change.”
Lily just shook her head. “You don’t balance the books in a marriage, Ellis. It’s a process of give and take.”
“Fine. I just think you’ve been doing most of the giving.”
Lily didn’t say a word. What could she say? Ellis was right. Suddenly the prospect of Manhattan no longer seemed outrageous.
“Ellis,” she said at last, “I know I’ve said this to you before, but you’re such a dear friend. What would I ever do without you?”
“I only want you to be happy, Lily.” Secretly he thought, If only you would agree to be happy with me …
That evening after Ellis left, Lily could scarcely wait to speak to Harry. If it had not been for Ellis, she might have continued to live in near exile. But Ellis had opened her eyes. Her needs had to be considered as well as Harry’s. If only she could make him see.
That night, Lily looked at herself closely in the mirror in a way that she hadn’t for a long time. She suddenly saw how pale and weary she looked. She was withering away, no doubt about it, and all in consequence of her mental state.
Lily took a deep breath, stood straight, and went upstairs to Harry’s study. As he pulled the black hood over the typewriter, she asked, “Darling, would you like a drink?”
“Sure, I’d love one.”
She went to the bar and poured them each a jigger of Scotch, added ice and soda, then handed Harry his glass.
There were days when the blank paper stared back at him and he wanted to take the typewriter and throw it out the window, and other times when for the want of a single word he would have sold his soul. But today the work had simply flowed without effort. God was in his heaven, all was right with the world. Harry sipped his drink contentedly.
Lily nursed her drink for some minutes before broaching the subject that bore so heavily on her mind.
“Harry,” she finally began, “I’ve been thinking.”
“That’s pretty obvious. What’s on your mind?”
She cleared her throat and continued. “I think that you and I need a change.”
“Change?” He gestured expansively. “Why, I wouldn’t trade places with the King of Siam. I have everything I want—more than I ever expected to have. I love my wife, I love my home, I love my children—I love my life just as it is.”
He wasn’t making it easy for her. She took another sip, drew a deep breath, and tried again.
“Harry, the truth is that I need a change.”
He frowned briefly, puzzled. “Lily, we just had a change—we moved here. And you know I can’t get away just now. Rafi and Tony and I are thrashing out a lot of preliminary work, and I can’t just up and leave. But if you’d like to take a little trip, darling …”
Again there was that nagging reminder of how superfluous she was. But the echo of Ellis’s words fortified her. Boldly, she went on.
“No, Harry, what I’m talking about is on a larger scale. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve been floundering lately, not really knowing what to do with myself.”
“I know that it has been hard on you, having the children away at school, but you’ll get used to it, darling.”
“No, I don’t think I will, Harry. Let me try to explain. The truth is that I never really prepared myself for this time in my life, and now I think I need to do something different.”
“So what do you want to do? Study to be a brain surgeon? You don’t need to work; I make plenty of money.”
“It’s not money, Harry. I want to do something where I feel useful.”
“You don’t feel useful now?”
“It’s just that I feel so isolated….”
“Isolated?” Harry was genuinely surprised. “You have a car, Lily. Are the responsibilities of the house so onerous that you can’t leave? Have I ever objected to anything you’ve wanted to do? I don’t keep you in shackles.”
Lily looked at him for a long moment; he didn’t understand at all. “I’m not talking about a shopping spree or lunch in the city. I’m talking about a life, Harry. A life I haven’t made.”
Harry shook his head. “I don’t understand women. Here you are, you live in the finest suburb in Fairfield County, you have servants, you have money. You can buy and do anything you want. Meanwhile, I work day and night—and you’re complaining.”
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