by Rachel Astor
I made a pouty face.
“Don’t worry,” he said. “This is a great apartment, you’ll find someone.”
I sighed. “Look at what happened with Calla though. And she’s been my friend forever. If I couldn’t trust her, how am I supposed to find a stranger I can trust?”
“It’s okay Josie,” Mattie said. “You can still trust your instincts. The Calla thing was just one little incident. She’s obviously got bigger problems than you or I ever knew about.”
I nodded, but I wasn’t convinced. I’d grown up with Calla. She was my best friend for years. In high school she’d had a lot of emotional problems, but I thought she’d left all that behind her.
“Now for the real reason I’m here,” Mattie said. “I am making it my mission to get you out of this house. Now I know you’re a little strapped for cash right now, so it will be my treat. We can go to a movie or something.”
“I am not leaving this house,” I said.
“Oh yes you are.”
“Mattie! There are still reporters camped out outside my door!”
“So? That didn’t bother you before.”
“Um. The whole world didn’t know every embarrassing moment of my life before,” I reminded him.
“Oh come on,” he said. “It’s not that bad. In fact, some of the stars they interviewed on ‘Entertainment News’ said you were great! They loved that you were so very… human. And they thought that you were absolutely hilarious.”
My eyes widened. “They did a story about the article on TV!”
“Um, yes,” Mattie said. “But really, I’m telling you. It was very favorable. Someone said they should turn your diary into a book. They were dying to hear more.”
“Oh God,” I said flopping down on the couch.
“Seriously Josie, they all thought Calla was a bitch and you were completely entertaining. I think it’s going to be good for you to get out in public and show them that something like this isn’t going to hold you back. You are a fabulous woman who will not apologize for farting.”
I broke out laughing. “Oh my God Mattie, I am way too nervous.” I groaned. “How am I going to pretend to be all confident and not let on that my entire life has just fallen apart?”
“That’s what I’m here for girl,” Mattie said. “Don’t you remember how good you felt the other times when I got you all dressed up?”
“I guess.”
“Well, that’s what we’re going to do. You’ll kill them with your fabulousness.”
“I guess,” I said, sighing.
“Good. Now let’s go find you something to wear.” He got up and started towards the hallway.
“And Mattie,” I said.
He turned back to me.
“That’s not all you’re here for you know.”
He smiled and nodded once. “I know.”
# # #
I took several deep breaths as I held on to the stair handle for dear life. Even though Mattie made me look just as good as he promised he would, I was still scared to my very soul over all the things that people must be thinking about me.
“Don’t worry,” Mattie said and pried my fingers off the rail. “You look great. The cameras will love you.”
“I don’t know Mattie…”
“Shush,” he interrupted. “Just fake it. Pretend like you’re Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. You know that scene where Richard Gere keeps telling her she’s very tall. Just smile and look fabulous. That’s all you have to do. Smile and look fabulous.”
“Okay,” I said, but my voice was very quiet.
“You can do this,” Mattie said.
“I can do this,” I said. My voice was starting to get a little stronger.
“You can do this!”
“I can do this,” I said, firmly this time.
Mattie grabbed me and we walked arm and arm out the door. Our pace was fast. Determined. I put my sunglasses on and smiled at the cameras. I was surprised that there were so many, about five or six still hanging around.
Boy, this city must be hard up for news, I thought.
“Josie, over here!” one photographer called.
I turned directly to him and flashed my best smile. Mattie and I continued down the street where he hailed a cab.
“Oh my God,” I said once we were safely inside the cab. “That was so scary.”
“You did great!”
“I’m so glad we get to go hide in a dark movie theatre for a while,” I said.
“That’s exactly why I suggested it, honey.”
I had to admit, it felt good to be out. I hadn’t really been holed up that long, but I was still beginning to feel a little claustrophobic in my apartment.
We chose to see a good old romantic comedy, which is my favorite genre, and Mattie’s. It was quite fitting with what was going on in my life too, the heroine getting caught in a couple of embarrassing situations.
“Well, that made me feel better,” I said, as Mattie and I walked out of the movie. “She was almost as much of a social moron as I am.”
“Absolutely. See, it’s not so bad,” he said. “I’m actually kind of surprised that you made the front page of the entertainment section.”
“Hey now, I’m newsworthy aren’t I?” I said and lightly pushed him.
He raised one eyebrow. “I don’t know about that,” he said.
I pushed him harder this time.
“Hey, watch it,” he yelled as he regained his balance. He looked around and sighed. “Where are the cameras when you need them? I could make millions with a picture of you assaulting me.”
“Oh shush. Don’t even joke about that. You’re the only friend I can trust right now.”
“I know. Sorry. But you’re the one who pushed me,” he whined. “Ooh, ooh. There’s a coffee shop! I could really use a latte.”
I had to smile at the way Mattie could flip the subject in the blink of an eye.
“Yeah, I could sit for a while.”
The waitress came to take our orders.
“Peppermint Mocha Latte, please,” Mattie said.
“I’ll just have a Chai tea.”
The waitress looked at me and squinted.
Oh shit, I thought. What’s wrong? Am I splotchy again?
“Aren’t you that Bridesmaid girl,” the waitress finally said.
I cleared my throat. “Um, yeah.” I could feel the heat rising up my neck. Great. Now I’m splotchy.
“I thought so,” she said, a huge smile forming on her face. “I read your diary article yesterday. You are so funny!” She looked up as if trying to remember. “Oh God, that farting story. What a hoot. Every time I think about it, I start giggling all over again.”
“Um. Thanks?” I said.
She left to get our drinks.
“See, what did I tell you?” Mattie said. “People love it.”
The girl at the table next to us was craning her neck to hear our conversation.
I motioned to Mattie to be quiet and pointed to the girl. She turned around and caught me pointing.
“Oh, sorry,” she said looking embarrassed. “I didn’t mean to listen in on your conversation, but I just wanted to say that what you have done is just amazing.”
“What I’ve done?” I asked.
“Yes. It was so brave what you did.” She obviously thought I’d gotten the diary published myself. “To tell the world all the things that most people would be ashamed of. To show everybody that you are totally normal, and that bad things happen to you, and yet you can still date a movie star! It’s just so inspiring. I actually started my own diary of all my embarrassing stuff this morning.”
“Really?” I said.
“I just wanted to thank you so much,” she finished.
“You’re welcome?”
The girl turned back around in her seat and I leaned back in mine.
“Okay, can I just say, wow?” Mattie said.
“I can’t believe it,” I said. “I thought the whole world would l
ike, hate me or something.”
“Of course not. Maybe Calla even did you a favor.”
The smile faded off my face. “I wouldn’t quite go that far,” I said. “I still haven’t heard a peep from Jake.”
“You will. He’s a movie star for God’s sake. I’m sure he’s just a little bit busy.”
I shrugged.
The waitress returned with our drinks. “It’s on me,” she said. “Anyone who can make my day like you did yesterday deserves a little something in return.”
I just stared at her.
“Thank you,” Mattie said for me since I couldn’t find the words.
“Uh, yeah. Thank you.”
She walked away giggling a little and shaking her head. “Squeaking farts. Priceless,” she said to no one in particular.
Mattie held up his latte. “To my friend and new toast of the city, Josephine McMaster.”
“And to you, my dearest friend, for giving me the kick in the ass I needed to get my sorry butt out of my apartment and into the real world. Without you, I’d still be wallowing instead of being praised by these lovely people,” I said.
We touched our paper cups together in a mock toast.
Back at my apartment, I had a message on my machine from the job placement company.
“Miss McMaster, could you please give me a call as soon as you can, a position just opened up that you might be uniquely qualified for,” it said.
“Wow, that was fast,” Mattie said.
“Oh man, I’m not ready yet. I don’t have my paperwork ready, and what about the apartment?”
“You don’t have to take it if you don’t want to. But at least call and see what it is,” Mattie said.
I picked up the phone and dialed the number.
“Yes, Miss McMaster,” the lady said. I could hear her shuffling papers in the background. “Here we are. Yes, we thought that this position might be just the thing for you. I have to admit, we don’t get a lot of writers.” She cleared her throat, “The client is in England.”
Hmm. England, I thought. It’s not Rome, but I supposed it would do. I could probably sneak away to Italy or Greece on a long weekend or something.
“This client for now wishes to remain anonymous. All I can tell you is that it is a very famous person and they have been contracted for an autobiography. The job is a ghostwriter for the book.”
“Wow, a book. I’ve never done a whole book before,” I said.
“That’s fine. The celebrity in question has taken a look at your work and has approved you. And with your recent experience with the press, you are actually uniquely qualified to write about that sort of experience.”
“Wow, who’d have thought that would end up being a qualification?”
“Now of course you will not be able to be seen at all with the celebrity. You will have to remain incognito at all times, especially considering your own celebrity status, so that no scandals will surface. But other than in public, you will have full access to the celebrity.”
“Wow, that sounds really interesting,” I said. The prospect of doing a whole book scared me to death, but it also excited me. I was getting burned out doing all that boring text for business magazines and ad campaigns. This had to be more fun than that. “But, um, I don’t have all my paperwork ready.”
“Don’t worry Miss McMaster, we will help you take care of all of that. We’ll speed it through all the proper channels. Oh, and I forgot to mention that the job is expected to last three months and, let’s see, let me just check the salary for you…” She shuffled some more papers and then mentioned a figure that equaled an entire year’s salary at my old job.
“I accept,” I said quickly. I hoped I didn’t sound like I was too eager.
Mattie looked as though he was about to wet himself in anticipation of finding out what was going on.
“Wonderful. I’ll send the paperwork to your home right away. Just return it to us overnight Fed Ex, and we’ll be all set.”
“Thank you so much,” I said and hung up.
“What? What!” Mattie said, bouncing up and down a little.
“Holy crap Mattie, life a little dull these days?”
“Please, I’ve been living vicariously through you for months already. There’s nothing going on in my life.”
“What about Mr. Gary?” I asked raising one eyebrow.
He immediately broke eye contact and began fiddling with one of the rings on his fingers.
“Oh my God! Are you blushing? Mattie, I’ve never seen you blush before,” I said and gasped. “You really like him, don’t you?”
Mattie cleared his throat. “Maybe,” he said in the quietest voice possible.
“Aw, my Mattie’s in love,” I teased him.
“Shut up.”
“So, are you going to call him?”
Mattie shrugged. “I was thinking maybe he’d call me.”
I gasped. “Mattie, you always make the first move! What’s up?”
“I guess I might be a little…” He cleared his throat. “Nervous or something.”
“Really? Why?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never liked someone this much so soon before. I’m afraid he won’t feel the same. I’m not sure I’m ready for it to be over.”
“Mattie, it hasn’t even begun yet. And besides, I was talking to him about you, and he totally seemed interested. Not to mention the whole love at first site googlie eyes thing you two have going on every time you’re near each other.”
“I thought that was just me.”
“Nope. He was totally doing it too. Come on. Promise me you’re going to call him.”
“Okay, okay, I promise. But not with you sitting right there beside me. I must have privacy. Oh God, I feel like I’m going to barf.”
“Oh yeah, you’re totally in love.”
“Being in love feels like you’re going to barf?”
“Totally,” I said.
“Okay, so if I’m going to call Gary, are you going to call Jake?”
“Good God, no!”
“What? Why not?”
“Well, first of all he’s never given me his number.”
“I’m sure that’s just an oversight,” Mattie said.
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, I’m sure. Plus, the whole Disaster Diary thing. I imagine he’s already embarrassed that he went out with me. And he even has an easy out. He can just say it was the whole contest thing.”
“Well if he does, then I hate him. And he’s no good for you anyway,” Mattie said. “Ooh, speaking of our favorite celeb and hopefully not our soon to be least favorite celeb, Entertainment News is coming on right away.”
“Aw man, do we have to?” I said.
“You’re not still worried about people’s reaction to the paper are you? Even after meeting your fans earlier?”
“Uh, yeah. They were just regular people like you and me. I’m sure the celebrity world will look down their noses at me. I mean seriously, did you read some of that stuff I had in there?”
Mattie gave me a little smack on my hand and grabbed the remote off the coffee table.
“And today, reaction on the Bridesmaid who made front page entertainment news,” the reporter said.
“Aw man, I’m the lead story on this too?”
“You are hot stuff,” Mattie said.
The story was basically ‘Entertainment News’ asking every celebrity they came across what their thoughts were on ‘The Bridesmaid Scandal.’ And if they hadn’t seen the paper, well ‘Entertainment News’ was quick to hand them a copy.
There were several shots of famous people howling with laughter. And then something strange happened. A couple of the starts admitted that similar things had once happened to them. Some of them said I was really funny, but it sounded like they meant it in a good way. There were a few more comments about being brave. They even showed a quick clip of Mattie and I getting into the taxi before the movie.
“Hey, look at that,” Mattie said. “I’m
on TV.” He winked at me.
“And you look marvelous,” I said. “Actually, I look marvelous too.” It continued to amaze me how good of a stylist Mattie really was. He knew exactly what kind of outfit absolutely every situation needed. Even an ‘I’ve just had the most humiliating thing in the world happen to me and I want to look like it doesn’t bother me’ situation.
“Well, not as marvelous as me,” Mattie said with a smile.
I elbowed him.
The final part to the story was a camera very much in Jake’s face. He was looking a little stunned.
“Jake, you’ve been seen out a few times with Bridesmaid Josie McMaster, and were even seen yesterday morning leaving her apartment. What is your take on the McMaster the Disaster scandal?”
“What?” He looked genuinely confused.
“Oh God, he doesn’t know.”
The reporter shoved a copy of the paper in his face.
“He does now,” Mattie said.
“Shit,” I whispered.
He glanced at the headline. “I’m sorry, I don’t have time right now, I’m running late.” He smiled at the camera and then he was off, paper still in his hand.
“Shit! He took it with him!” I yelled.
“He was bound to find out sometime,” Mattie said.
“That did not look like a good reaction,” I said. “He looked totally annoyed.”
“Maybe he really was just in a hurry,” Mattie said.
His cell phone started ringing. “Hello?” Suddenly Mattie started making flailing motions all over the place. Judging by his reaction, I guessed it must have been Gary on the other end. He rushed down the hall, apparently to get away from my prying ears.
~ 21 ~
“Okay, I talked to Gary, now you have to talk to Jake,” Mattie said, coming back into the living room.
“What? Are you nuts? He called you. That totally doesn’t count.”
He gasped and put his hand on his hip. “It totally does so.”
“And even if it did, how do you suppose I would talk to him anyway? Remember, I don’t have his number.”
“Email him.”
I sighed. “Mattie, don’t you think there’s a reason that I don’t have his number? He’s had about a million chances to give it to me, and he hasn’t.”