She wrote “BF4EVAH” on the board. “This is not writing, my friends.”
(She always calls us “her friends” when she’s making one of her speeches.)
Her solution to this horrific writing crime against humanity: THE FRIENDLY LETTER ASSIGNMENT.
“As a way to practice writing the English language as it was intended, each of you will be assigned a partner.”
(The key word here: assigned.)
“You will write letters to your partner once a week. You will WRITE these letters. Not type them. Not text message them. Not telepathically transmit them. You will use your best handwriting. You will spell words correctly. You will use proper grammar and punctuation. Am I clear?”
No one said anything, but I knew everyone wished they could write Old Hawk a friendly letter asking…
An Ominous (One of Old Hawk’s First Vocab Words) Warning Old Hawk Gave about Our Friendly Letter Assignment
“My friends, do you realize that the United States government protects our mail? It is actually a federal offense for anyone to tamper with the U.S. mail. Which means it is an offense punishable by the law; and in our classroom, our friendly letters will be treated with the same utmost respect. No one, except the recipient, may read the friendly letters you write. No one, except you, may read the friendly letters you receive, and even I, the postmaster general of this classroom, am not above this law. So you should rest assured that I will not be reading your letters.
“To summarize,” Old Hawk said while writing on the board, “the friendly letters written in this classroom are private property between you and your friendly letter partner,” and she underlined private property three times.
“That said, I am certain that no one, not a single one of you, my friends, will abuse this privilege of privacy and/or misuse it to write anything that would not be mature and respectful in nature.”
Number One Reason I Hate My Life This Year
Gabby Marco is my friendly letter partner. She’s the biggest LOSER in the WHOLE school. Something like this could ruin a person’s life.
Five Reasons Gabby Marco Is the Biggest Loser in the Whole School
1.The first time anyone even noticed Gabby was fourth grade. That’s when Brent Undervale raised his hand when we were thinking up rhyming words for our poetry unit. Mrs. Nagle called on him, and nobody could believe it, but he actually said, “Flabby and Gabby.” (He got sent to Mr. Buckley’s office, and his mom had to come and get him.)
Gabby is a little on the chubby side, but she’s not really fat. The thing is, at Crestdale Heights, once someone says something like that about you, whether it’s true or not, it sticks to you and follows you around like toilet paper on your shoe.
2.The second reason isn’t even Gabby’s fault, really. It’s because of what happened last year on the bus with Jackson Dawber.
Everyone knew that Gabby had lived with her aunt until the beginning of fifth grade. That’s when she moved in with her older brother. Everyone thought that was a little strange since her brother was only in high school. No one knew why she didn’t live with her parents, and no one cared enough to find out.
Anyway, after Christmas break, our bus route changed, and Gabby’s new stop was right in front of her house. When everyone saw where Gabby lived, they stared out the window at her house like it was a burning building. The house was really more like a dented-up trailer attached to a “dilapidated” (to use one of Old Hawk’s vocab words) barn that was falling down. It looked like if you slammed the front door too hard, the whole thing would collapse.
That’s when Jackson (whose dream is to become a stand-up comic) started yakking like he always does.
Using the highlighter he carries around all the time as a microphone, he yelled out, “If that house were a boat, it would sink. If it were a plane, it would fall out of the sky. If it were a car, there’s no way it would run…”
Jackson’s jokes are so lame-o. Everyone knows he’ll never make it as a comedian. Even so, kids laugh.
Gabby was off the bus when Jackson started blathering, but I’m pretty sure she heard what Jackson said. She had to have at least heard all the laughing.
Once the bus was back on its way, I remember wondering what Gabby’s house looked like on the inside; and for the first time, I wondered what had happened to her parents.
3.The biggest reason Gabby Marco is the number one outcast at Crestdale Heights: she laughs sometimes for no reason at all. Usually it’s when she has her head buried in one of the old paperback books she always carries around, but that’s not the only time she laughs like that. It’s really weird. The classroom can be perfectly quiet, and she’ll start giggling. And then start laughing.
Some kids say she’s crazy or possessed or something. Why else would someone laugh for no reason at all?
4. and 5. I thought there were more reasons no one liked her, but I guess that’s it.
Three Things My Dad Said at the Dinner Table When I Complained about Gabby Marco and the Friendly Letter Assignment
1.“Miss Hendrick must have a method to her madness.”
2.“Once you get to know Gabby, you might feel differently about her.”
3.“Maybe it’s destiny, Abs.”
Three Things I Told My Dad
1.“I think madness is a good way to describe Old Hawk.”
2.“The problem is I don’t want to get to know Gabby.”
3.“Old Hawk’s friendly letters and Gabby Marco CANNOT be my destiny!”
Friendly Letter #1 from Me to Gabby
Dear Ms. Gabriella Marco,
I am your letter partner.
The most important thing in my life is pom-poms. Alli and Cami from 6B are my best friends, and we all can’t wait until we’re officially part of the squad.
Here are a few other things about me. I am in sixth grade like you. I have one older brother like you. My favorite food is pizza. My favorite dessert is chocolate cake. My favorite book is Ella Enchanted. I hate mushrooms, pumpkin pie, and that stupid book Hatchet we read last year for Mr. Kirby.
Sincerely,
Abigail Walters
Things to Do
1.Write first friendly letter to Gabby.
2.Dread getting my first friendly letter from Gabby.
3.Begin counting down the 179 days until this insanely stupid friendly letter assignment is over.
4.Pray Gabby’s weirdness doesn’t rub off on me.
5.Celebrate after writing my very last friendly letter to Gabby.
The Note I Left in AlliCam’s Locker
(Alli and Cami are not only in the same homeroom, but they’re locker partners too. Soooo lucky!)
Dear AlliCam,
Old Hawk is a real prob. We have to write “friendly letters” to ASSIGNED partners. Guess who I got? GABBY MARCO. Can you believe it?
You guys are so lucky to be in 6B TOGETHER!!!!
SPF—Sisters, Poms, Friends,
Abigail
The Note I Found in My Locker after Lunch
Dear Abigail,
We miss you!!!! Wish you were here. Blah, blah, blah.
Gabby Marco?! EEEEK! We’re sorry!
SPF,
AlliCam
Three Reasons Alli, Cami, and I Are Best Friends
1.We sat at the same table the first day of kindergarten, and as they say, the rest is history. All that coloring, finger painting, and playing dress-up bonded us for life.
2.All three of us LOVE the same thing: talking. When Cami’s dad drove us to camp last summer, it took five hours to get there. We NEVER ran out of things to talk about. Cami’s dad thought we should enter the Guinness World Records book for the longest conversation.
3.None of us have sisters, so in fifth grade, we did a Native American sister ritual. (There wasn’t really anything Native American about it, bu
t our teacher had just finished reading The Indian in the Cupboard, so we were sort of in a Native American phase.)
We did the ritual in Alli’s backyard one night when we slept over at her house. We put some paint stirrers in the barbecue grill and lit them on fire. Then we held hands and walked in a circle around the grill chanting,
“Sister fire from long ago,
Make us sisters from head to toe.
Flames and smoke keep us strong.
Forever we'll sing our sister song.”
(Cami made up the chant. She’s really good at stuff like that. She won first prize in the school poetry contest last year.)
Then we danced around and sang,
“We are family.
I got all my sisters with me…”
(It wasn’t a Native American song. We’d heard it on the oldies station, but it was perfect for our ritual.)
After a few choruses of “We Are Family,” Alli’s dad came outside, and we got in big trouble for being too loud, but when he saw the fire, we got in even bigger trouble for that. He told us if it wasn’t so late, he’d send Cami and me home.
We thought getting into trouble for doing the ritual just made our sisterhood bond even stronger. And once Alli’s dad went back upstairs, we couldn’t stop laughing about how hysterical he looked standing on the back porch in his boxers with his hair all messed up and yelling, “Are you girls out of your minds? It’s one o’clock in the morning! Get your butts inside right now or you’re going to be singing ‘Sorry.’”
When we got back inside, Alli kept standing on the fireplace hearth and imitating her dad. “You girls are gonna be singing ‘Sorry.’”
Cami and I kept raising our hands like we were in school and saying, “Excuse me, Mr. Martin, but we don’t know that song.”
Then the three of us collapsed onto the floor in a heap of laughter. Every time we did it, it got funnier.
It just proved the three of us were meant to be best friends and sisters.
Three Reasons I Hate Being in a Different Homeroom from AlliCam
1.Inside jokes. When we go to each other’s houses after school, Cami and Alli are always talking about things that happened in school. I never know what they’re talking about. Yesterday, they looked at each other and put their thumbs under their chins, waved, and then burst out laughing. I laughed too even though I didn’t know why it was so funny. When I did it later, they looked at each other and rolled their eyes. Is this how the whole year’s going to be?
2.Extra pom practice. Every day AlliCam and I practice poms together after school. Alli and Cami also practice at school after lunch. But since I don’t have the same lunch period as they do, they’re getting a lot of extra practice without me. What if I’m not practicing enough?
3.Mr. Blue Eyes. While I’m stuck with Old Hawk, AlliCam’s class has a brand-new teacher. You should see him! He’s gorgeous! He looks like a surfer from California with all that bleached blond hair and those bulging biceps. That’s why everyone calls him Mr. Blue Eyes. (Well, not the boys.) I don’t see how anyone could learn anything from someone who looks sooooo good. I should really write another anonymous letter to the principal.
Dear Mr. Buckley,
Are you aware that there’s a swimsuit model here at Crestdale Heights disguised as a first-year teacher? Sixth-grade girls CANNOT learn from someone like this. Think about how impossible it is to underline nouns and circle verbs in a sentence when you’re drooling over the teacher. This man should be removed from the premises immediately.
Maybe Mr. Whitmar could come out of retirement until you find a replacement. (Hopefully one who is not so cute!)
Yours truly,
Anonymous
Things to Do
1.Work on making up some inside jokes about things that happen on the bus with AlliCam.
2.Practice poms an extra hour at home to make up for AlliCam’s lunch practice.
3.Pray that Old Hawk gets a student teacher second quarter—hopefully a supercute “guy” student teacher who will persuade Old Hawk to end the friendly letter assignment once and for all. (Even though I didn’t see this ever happening, I prayed for it anyway.)
One Big Reason to Panic about Pom-Pom Tryouts
There’s a new sixth-grader who just transferred to Crestdale Heights. She’s not just any new student; she’s Alicia Brenton. The Alicia Brenton. Her older sister is practically the pom-pom poster girl from one of our rival schools. But thanks to rezoning, Alicia’s now in our district. This could mean trouble for me. BIG trouble.
There are six spots on the sixth-grade squad. Here’s the breakdown: Alicia Brenton will make it. (She has to. Her DNA is programmed for a long life of pom-poms.) I know Cami and Alli will make it. Then there’re the other two girls from AlliCam’s homeroom, Jackie Swanson and McKenzie Sanford. They’re the kind of girls who have their picture in the dictionary next to the definition of pom-pom girls with their perfect hair, skinny jeans, and toothpaste-commercial-white teeth.
That leaves the sixth spot for me, BUT:
A) What if I have an off day? (There are at least ten other girls trying out. They could all be having an “on” day.)
B) What if one of the other girls trying out is better than me?
Big Fat C) What if I don’t make it?!!!!
The Comments Old Hawk Wrote on My Vocabulary Assignment
Dear Abigail,
Your vocabulary sentences lack the following: creativity, proper punctuation, proper grammar, and most of all, effort. Not too many years ago, your mother was an outstanding student for me. I am expecting the same from you this year! Please rewrite this assignment.
Miss Hendrick
Two Things I’m Beginning to Realize about Old Hawk
1.Up until now, my perfect handwriting and neat, on-time assignments helped me get okay grades. Maybe even grades that were better than I deserved, but it didn’t look like this was going to work with Old Hawk. I guess even the neatest paper wasn’t going to fool her.
2.Sixth-grade LA was going to be hard.
The Note I Wished I Could Write to Old Hawk
Dear Miss H,
Do you have any idea what my life will be lacking if I don’t make pom-poms? How about purpose? How about popularity? How about a reason to live?
I’m putting forth LOTS of effort, but I can’t waste it on vocabulary assignments. All you adults think being a kid is so easy, but you should try it. Sixth grade is a lot more stressful than it looks: pom-pom tryouts getting closer by the minute, a friendly letter partner who’s the school’s biggest outcast, a homeroom teacher who’s notorious for being strict (no offense, Miss H, but it’s true), and my two best friends in a different homeroom.
Now can you understand why my vocabulary assignment wasn’t more important?
Your stressed-out, struggling student,
Abigail
One More Reason to Hate the Friendly Letter Assignment
Old Hawk told us to go home tonight and turn an old shoebox into a mailbox to use when we exchange letters. Where am I? Kindergarten?
The only explanation: Old Hawk regrets never having taught kindergarten and wants to experience it before she dies.
Things to Do for LA
1.Rewrite my vocab sentences. (Note to self: this time actually find out what the vocab words mean before writing the sentences.)
2.Make a shoebox-mailbox. (Note to self: look for the craft box full of glue, glitter, sequins, and scissors I used to take with me when I babysat.)
Two Reasons I Didn’t Mind Making a Shoebox-Mailbox After All
1.Old Hawk didn’t assign any new LA homework in order to give us time to make our mailboxes.
2.I kind of had fun making my mailbox. My mom even helped, and it turned out supercute.
One Thing AlliCam Asked Me on the Bus When They Saw My Shoebox-Mailbox
<
br /> What is that thing?
One Answer I Gave
Just some lame-o thing Old Hawk had us make for LA.
One Answer I Didn’t Give
Only the coolest shoebox-mailbox ever.
Two Reasons LA with Old Hawk Might Be Bearable
1.Old Hawk finally tore down the bulletin board paper covering the bookshelves in the back of her classroom. Kids had been making jokes about the bones of overworked sixth-graders being hidden behind that paper, but everyone knew that wasn’t true. What was behind the paper were hundreds of books, and they didn’t look like the books in other classroom libraries, all torn and tattered—the ones we knew teachers bought at garage sales and used bookstores. These books looked new. They were labeled with tags like humor, adventure, mystery, and historical fiction, and they were so organized it looked like a real library shelf. On the bottom shelves all the way across the back of the classroom were different colored baskets. Each of us saw our name printed on one of them and in each basket was a book. One that Old Hawk said she’d chosen just for us.
2.After letting each of us go get our basket—mine had Newfangled Fairy Tales: Modern Day Fractured Fairy Tales For Teens in it—Old Hawk explained that we would get silent reading time every day.
Always, Abigail Page 2