“Uh oh’s right,” I said.
“Is he in his good suit?” Joshua asked.
“I am,” I said.
“We’re so dead,” Nathaniel said.
“You’re not the one holding the hose,” I said.
I panned my gaze to Natasha as a grin slid across my cheeks. She turned the hose on again and blasted me as I got up from my chair. I ran towards her and picked her up, then threw her over my shoulder. I whipped her around in circles as she sprayed the kids and I listened to the giggles falling from their lips.
This was what I wanted for my life. My kids, Natasha, and our Sunday family days.
And I would give anything Natasha wanted in order to make it happen.
Fourteen
Natasha
Carter had invited me out to dinner and I had been hesitant to take his offer. He told me it was strictly business and that he wanted to talk with me about something important. I wasn’t sure what he wanted to talk with me about, but I had something I wanted to talk about with him as well.
And I couldn't contain my excitement.
I’d finally gotten an email back from Clark. It took me months to get in contact with him, but apparently things were going well. Bria was being liberated and a lot of the rebel forces were being pushed back. Clark and his team were establishing medical tents and building fresh water wells. Patching mud huts and building a school for the area. He sent me pictures of all the efforts and I saw how the kids I had helped were growing up. Videos were sent of children who once couldn't talk waving and talking in full sentences.
It brought tears to my eyes to see.
But this latest email brought with it an offer I couldn't turn down. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be handed my dream job, but I had been. I went through the phone interviews and the rigorous background check. I updated the necessary people as to what I had spent my time doing when I got back to the States. I outlined things I wanted to do if the job was going to be offered to me and I even went so far as to tell them they wouldn’t regret hiring me.
But I still had yet to talk with Carter about it.
I was excited about the announcement, but I wasn’t sure how he would take it. I knew he cared about me and I cared about him. Him and his children. We had all grown close and became a little family unit. But I was the nanny and I couldn't stay there forever. Even though some days I felt like I could. Spending every day with his kids. With him.
But I had been officially offered the position of a lifetime, and I couldn’t turn it down.
I didn’t want to accept until I talked with Carter first.
I respected him more than that.
I was hoping he would understand. That he would rejoice with me and usher me into a new beginning with my career. I stood outside of my apartment waiting for him to pull up, the wind whipping through my hair.
Why was I so nervous to talk with him about this?
“Well hello there, pretty lady. You going my way?” Carter asked.
“You’re insane,” I said with a giggle.
“Get in. Our reservations are in fifteen minutes,” he said.
“So what’s this big announcement you have?” I asked. “Because I have one, too.”
“Ah, so we both have big news. This will make for a fun celebratory dinner.”
“What are we celebrating?” I asked.
“I guess we’ll both have to see.”
I smiled and looked out the window as the world passed by. Things were going well so far and Carter seemed to be in high spirits. He was in one of his very expensive suits, cut perfectly to his body and paired with a button-down shirt that had the top button undone. It was the perfect mixture of formal and relaxed, which made me feel a little more dressed up than I needed to be.
I had chosen my form-fitting black dress, a matching pair of heels, and the only thing I owned that had been nothing but a splurge item.
My pearls.
“You look wonderful tonight,” Carter said.
“I feel overdressed sitting next to you,” I said.
“Nonsense. You look fabulous. Ready to go in?” he asked.
“My stomach says ‘yes’. I’m starving.”
“See? We already have one ‘yes’ to toast.”
We walked into the restaurant and it was everything I expected it to be. Dimly lit with full-length tablecloths and candles on top. It was the epitome of a romantic evening which didn’t lend a tone of professionalism. But I let it slide.
Carter’s hand on my lower back felt too good to call him out on it.
He pulled out my chair for me and I grinned. I felt the ‘strictly professional’ vibe of our entire meal quickly fading into the background. A bottle of decanted red wine was sat on the table, like it had already been ordered for us, and instead of menus we were simply given choices.
“Soup or salad?”
“Duck or quail?”
“Water or coffee?”
“Salty or sweet?”
“Spicy or herbaceous?”
It went on like that for a few questions before the waiter walked back into the kitchen. I gave Carter a quizzical look as a chuckle fell from his lips.
“What kind of place did you bring me to?” I asked. “Did I just order a sweetened spicy quail?”
“No,” he said with a smile. “But it is one of those restaurants that book out years in advance,” he said.
“Then how did you get a reservation?” I asked.
“I may have called and talked to the chef.”
“You know the chef?”
“He’s a good friend of mine. I hired him when my wife was pregnant with Joshua.”
“Ah, so he’s a former employee of yours. Did you treat him to dinners like this as well?” I asked.
“No, I did not.”
“So who’s big news should go first?” I asked.
“Let’s go with yours. I’m dying to hear about what has you squirming around so badly.”
“I’m not squirming,” I said.
“You couldn’t stop moving in the car,” he said as he poured me a glass of wine.
“Thank you. Okay. Fine. So… I finally heard back from Clark.”
“This is the team leader in Africa, right?” he asked.
“Yes. Him. After months of silent emails, he finally got back to me. And guess where he is?”
“Bria?”
“Yes. The team went back. Apparently, Bria’s being liberated.”
“Wait a second, that’s great news, Natasha.”
“And it gets better. He’s been sending me all of these pictures and videos of the kids I worked with. You should see them. They’ve grown so much since I left.”
“Do you have pictures of them? Could I see?” he asked.
“I’ll forward some of them to you. They’re priceless. But they’re setting up all sorts of things. Freshwater wells and latrines. Medical tents that have gone undisturbed for weeks. Weeks, Carter. Weeks without pushing back because of gunfire.”
“That’s incredible, Natasha.”
“They’ve been established in the area for so long that they’re even building a school for the kids. A school. With books that have been donated and supplies that have been purchased with money they’ve been able to raise. It’s incredible what they’re doing.”
“I know you’ve been trying to get in touch with him for a long time. I’m glad you heard back from him,” he said.
“Oh, Carter. It gets so much better.”
“How does it get much better than that? Your efforts succeeded.”
“They want my efforts to continue!”
“I don’t follow,” he said.
“They want to hire me on at the head of the program they’re establishing there. They loved my enthusiasm the first time around and my excitement for everything Clark has been showing me has apparently been infectious.”
“They want to hire you,” Carter said.
“They have the funds and everything. It’s be
en insane what they’ve been able to accomplish. They want someone with my expertise to head up the program and, specifically, look over the school and make sure it takes off the way they want it to.”
“But you would have to go back to Africa.”
“For a time. I’d be flying back and forth during the next several months. Being the head of the program means I’d not only be hands-on in Bria, I’d also be in meetings and things, rallying for funds for the team and their work back here in corporate-land. It’s… the opportunity of a lifetime, Carter. And they gave it to me.”
“Did you accept?” he asked.
“I haven’t given a formal acceptance, no. I wanted to talk with you about it first.”
Carter picked up his glass of wine as his eyes stayed connected with mine. I watched the interest and intrigue he had from the beginning slowly fade away. He drank down his entire glass of wine before refilling it, and I was beginning to worry.
Was he not happy for something like this?
“Carter?” I asked.
“Yep?”
“Are you okay?”
“I am. I’m processing everything. What you’ve thrown at me is a lot.”
“I know you’re worried,” I said. “I would be, too. I’ve called you after some of my worst nightmares-”
“Yes, let’s go with that for a second. Would you be stable enough to take on something like this?”
“What?” I asked.
“Would your nightmares and your fears get in the way of your work? Surely you wouldn't be able to do a good job if you were waking up at three in the morning crying for someone to talk to.”
“I… think you might have meant that to come out another way, but I’ll roll with it. No. I dealt with my nightmares while I was over there and I was fine. The children kept me okay,” I said.
“What if things get worse?”
“Didn’t you hear me? Bria’s being liberated.”
“But we all know how this story goes down. Eventually those battling forces leave because they think the area is stable and the opposing forces come back in. Can you really watch more of the children you love die like that, Natasha?”
“I can help them, Carter. I did before, and I can do it again. Hell, I could do more as the head of the entire program. I thought you would be happy about this?”
“Like you said, I’m just worried about you.”
But I didn’t believe him.
There was something else going on underneath.
“Let’s change the subject for a second. What’s your big news?” I asked.
“Doesn’t matter.”
“It does to me.”
“Does it?” he asked.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
Our first course was set in front of us. Carter picked up the spoon-sized morsel and tossed it back, swallowing it without even chewing. Or savoring the flavors. Or enjoying whatever the hell it was he had just eaten.
Did he even know what he had just eaten?
“Was it good?” I asked.
“Delicious.”
“Did you taste it first?” I asked.
“It’s the spicy course,” he said.
I took the bite and allowed it to roll over my tongue. It was spicy. Very spicy. So spicy that I started coughing and reaching for my wine. I tipped it up and chugged as tears rose in my eyes.
Holy hell, that thing burned.
I cleared my throat as the waiter prepared us for the next course. I watched Carter retreat back into this shell. This hardened shell I hadn’t seen since my first interview. His face was stoic, and his lips were silent. He was closing himself off and I didn’t know why.
“Carter, the job wouldn’t start for another month or so. It’s plenty of time for me to help you find another nanny,” I said.
“I found you, so I’ll find another,” he said.
“Why are you being so weird about this?” I asked.
“I’m not. I’m happy for you. To Africa.”
He lifted up his wine glass before he tossed it back. I was suddenly no longer hungry, so I waved off the plates the waiter had for me. I watched Carter continue to slurp back his food. Unable to chew and unable to look at me.
What in the world was going on?
I thought he was going to be happy for me.
“Carter, please talk to me,” I said.
“Nothing to talk about. I’m happy for you.”
“You’re obviously not.”
“I’ll blame that on the stressful day at work.”
“It’s Saturday.”
“And this is a business function.”
“It doesn't feel like a business function. It feels personal. Very, very personal,” I said.
I watched him pull out his phone. He was typing around on his screen as his cheeks flushed red. He stood up from the table and opened his wallet, then threw some money onto the table.
Then he walked up to my side and offered me his hand.
“There’s an Uber that will pull up to take you home,” he said.
I brushed his hand away and stood up on my own.
“Thanks,” I said flatly.
“Good luck in Africa,” Carter said.
“Yeah. I’m sure you mean that.”
I walked past Carter and I could feel his eyes on me. I walked down the steps of the restaurant just as the car was pulling up for me. I slid in and told her to drive, not caring about where we ended up. I had plenty of cash in my wallet to cover whatever driving the woman decided to do, so long as it gave me time to think.
I crossed my arms over my chest and sank into the seat. Tears lined the edges of my eyes as the city passed me by in a haze.
In the span of an hour, I had gone from having a family to having no one.
I was alone again. Lost in a world that was uncaring, unforgiving, and somehow still necessary to navigate.
And maybe that was how it was supposed to be. Maybe I was supposed to be alone. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to have a family, but I was supposed to help others around me cultivate families. Maybe I was the family-maker and not the family-keeper.
Fuck. I was confusing myself.
I sighed as I recited my address for the driver. I felt the car turn around as the streets started to become familiar. I stalked up the steps to my apartment and walked in, listening to the lonely sound of my heels clicking against the dusty floor.
I threw my stuff to the side and went to my laptop. I opened it up and typed in my password, then pulled up the offer email. I read it over and over as a smile crossed my cheeks. Even though my heart was breaking and even though tears were sliding down my skin, I managed to type the two words that would seal my fate.
I accept.
Fifteen
Natasha
“These?” Emma asked.
“Yes,” I said.
“What about these?”
“No.”
“Or these?”
“Nu-uh.”
“Oh come on. You have to take these,” she said.
“No, Emma. Look, the place I’m going to be staying at in Africa is the equivalent of my own little mud hut. I can’t take much with me. Most of this is going back in storage,” I said.
“Speaking of storage, what are you sleeping on if all of your furniture is gone?”
“I have to get used to sleeping on a harder ground again. I’ll have a cot, but it won’t be much.”
“You're sleeping on the hardwood floor, Natasha?”
“This was how I prepared for Africa for the first time, so this time is no different,” I said.
“So what are we packing your stuff for Africa in?” she asked.
“My backpack.”
“And…?”
“That’s it,” I said.
“That’s it? A backpack!? Where will your hair dryer go?”
“In storage,” I said.
“What about your mousse?”
“In storage,” I said.
“You ha
ve to take your mousse. Your hair will be everywhere all the time,” she said.
“Not if it’s up all the time. It’s hot in Africa, Emma. I’m not wearing my hair down and going to a bonfire.”
“At least they have bonfires,” she said.
“Look, my clothes are lightweight in order to keep me cool and I have a special way of folding them. When I took my backpack last time, I could fit fifteen outfits, a jacket for the cold nights if they happened, ten pairs of socks, three pairs of shoes, my brush, several hair ties, my laptop and its charger, and the small bottles of all the essential toiletries.”
“All in that backpack.”
“Yep. All on the plane with me so I don’t lose it, too,” I said.
“I don’t know how you do this. It takes a very special person to do this.”
“I’m honored to be able to do it. And very excited.”
“So how about this? You pack your backpack and I’ll throw everything else into boxes? We have to be quick about it, though. That van hauling your furniture’s going to be here soon.”
“I still can’t believe you hired them to help me. Thank you, Emma.”
“Girl, going through this the first time was a pain in my ass. If you’re doing this again, I’m at least making the process easier,” she said.
I wrapped my arms around my best friend and hugged her close. I was going to miss her. But I knew I was doing the right thing for my life. Despite all I had witnessed in Bria, I missed it. I missed the kids and making a difference and helping them in all the ways I knew how. And I knew I could use my persuasive expertise to open up more funding for the team I was about to join.
I couldn’t wait to see the guys.
“So, talk to me about this fun mud hut you’ll be staying in,” Emma said.
“Everyone on the team has their own. I know Clark and a couple of the other guys have heavy-duty tents they’ve pitched, but I like living how the rest of the people live. It makes the kids feel more comfortable when they come to visit me.”
“Makes sense. Thatched roof and all?” she asked.
“Mhm. Fires to boil water and rice, though some now have battery-operated stove tops in their mud huts.”
“Why do I feel that’s a problem waiting to happen?” she asked.
“They use them outside,” I said with a giggle. “But it’s opened up a lot of avenues in terms of how they cook their food. There still aren’t many resources, but they are worlds away from where they were when I was there ten months ago.”
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