Blue

by Lou Aronica

  “Soon she won’t be visiting any longer. Becky is coming here to live.”

  “But I thought—”

  “Nothing is exactly what any of us thought, Sorbus. And that is a very good thing.”

  They’d spent the last few hours on the couch. Becky had felt strong enough to sit outside for a little while in the morning, but her strength waned quickly and she could barely make it back up to the apartment. They’d watched television with Becky’s head on Chris’s lap the rest of the day.

  Chris hadn’t brought up their conversation about Tamarisk again. Had he added another weight to her already heavy load? A cure for Becky’s illness was available, but it carried with it additional compromises and issues, including one Chris had managed not to consider—Polly. How ironic would it be if his imagination had helped generate a new life for his sick daughter and his ex-wife’s lack of imagination prevented her from having that life?

  Chris had long ago stopped rehearsing speeches for Polly. Preparedness made little difference in whether he got through to her or not. This time, though, as he sat with Becky and stroked her hair, he refined the way he intended to broach this subject. He found it frustratingly easy to imagine Polly’s responses.

  Becky ate a little before they took the trip back to Moorewood, but she vomited on the side of the road before they made it to the bridge. When they got back in the car, she offered him the most heartbreaking smile he’d ever experienced. The kind that said she understood that they would consider this a good day soon. It was at that moment that Chris realized—even though he thought he’d realized it before—how totally unprepared he was for his daughter’s physical breakdown.

  At Polly’s, Chris helped Becky out of the car and then looped his arm around hers as they approached the door.

  “Are you really going to talk to her now?” Becky said unsteadily.

  “I’m definitely going to talk to her now.”

  “Do you want me to be there?”

  “I think it would be better if you’re not.”

  Becky squeezed his arm and then entered the house. Polly was there a moment later, hugging her daughter.

  “I need a few minutes with you,” Chris said while Polly was still holding Becky.

  “I’m gonna go up to my room,” Becky said, kissing her mother on the cheek. She looked at the stairs and then pulled in her breath. “No, maybe I’ll just go into the kitchen.” She reached a hand toward Chris and he held it for a moment before she left.

  “What’s up?” Polly said after watching Becky disappear around the corner.

  Chris chose to dive into the conversation. Preliminaries had no value. “I learned about something last night that will cure Becky.”

  Polly startled for an instant, but recovered quickly. “We’ve already started on the Gleevec. We’re not going to switch course and try some wild alternative. Alternative medicine has never been proven to work.”

  “This isn’t alternative medicine and it isn’t a miracle drug, Polly. It’s Tamarisk.”

  Polly seemed disappointed for a moment, as though he’d somehow managed to let her down even though she already held him in such low esteem.

  Then her face contorted and the fire was back. “You really must be kidding me. Don’t you think I’m in enough pain already without your terrorizing me with make-believe? What are you going to tell me? That Becky’s ‘medical consultation’ in Tamarisk revealed that she just needs to spend more time talking to pixies?”

  Polly’s anger had no affect on Chris. “Do you know what amazes me? You’re willing to explore any pill you hear about regardless of how little research has been done, but you won’t open your mind to anything else.”

  “There’s a difference between research science and imaginary worlds, Chris.”

  “Yes, there is. There very definitely is. Only one of them offers a way for Becky to get better.”

  Polly stared intently at Chris. If she was trying to get him to look away, she’d chosen the wrong moment. Eventually, she shook her head and said, “I’m going to spend some time my daughter. You know where the door is.”

  “Polly, we want the same thing. What’s the downside of listening to what I have to say?”

  Polly glared at him again and then threw up her hands and sat on the stairs that led to the second floor. “Okay, Chris. What do you have to say?”

  Chris walked over to the stairs and sat on the step below his ex-wife. “There’s a reason Tamarisk exists.”

  “This assumes one believes Tamarisk exists.”

  He let the comment pass. “It exists as a home for Becky.”

  Polly’s brows furled. “What?”

  Chris leaned forward a bit. “Becky isn’t sick in Tamarisk.”

  “That’s very comforting, Chris. Totally irrelevant, but comforting. I can’t believe you’re doing this now. I had actually started to convince myself that it might be better for us if you and I went through this together. What a dope I am.”

  Chris was finding it increasingly difficult to keep his own anger in check, but he fought through it. “What I’m saying is not totally irrelevant. It’s her only hope. Tamarisk came to life because Becky can be healthy there.”

  Polly smirked. “This is your new theory.”

  “It’s not a theory. You should have seen what she was like when we were there last night.”

  Polly’s eyes narrowed and she reddened. “You were there last night?”

  “Yes. I was there last night. I’ve been to Tamarisk many times. You should have seen our daughter—”

  “—Chris, can you hear yourself.”

  “Polly, you need to listen to me. I realize this sounds crazy. I could barely believe it myself when Becky first started talking about it. But there’s a reason that this has happened. Becky can live in Tamarisk. When she’s there, she’s as full of life as she’s ever been.”

  “Oh my god.”

  Was she acknowledging the possibility of this? Chris pressed on. “I know. It’s a lot to absorb. I tossed and turned all night thinking about it. We’ll never see her again, but we’ll know she’s okay.”

  Polly said nothing for a moment. When she spoke again, her voice had a thinner timbre. “I’m so sorry, Chris. You’re even farther along than I am. That has to be excruciating. Listen, I’ve been talking to a good therapist. Maybe you can meet with one of her associates.”

  Chris felt as though he’d experienced a sudden drop in blood sugar. “You think I’m imagining this.”

  “I know you’re imagining this. As devastated as I am about what’s happening to Becky, as much hurt as I feel every moment, I know what you’re experiencing is much more harmful to you.”

  “This is not a delusion.”

  Polly stood up. She now towered over him. “Seek help, Chris. Do it for Becky.”

  “This is not a delusion. There are ways of showing you.”

  Polly walked down the stairs past him and headed toward the kitchen. “I’ll e-mail you the phone number of my therapist. There are several other doctors in her group.”

  With that, Polly turned the corner and went into the kitchen to see their daughter. Chris felt humiliated. He thought for a moment about following Polly down the hallway, but he didn’t want to have a nasty confrontation with her in front of Becky. Instead, he waited on the stairs for a few minutes in case Becky came out to see him.

  When it was obvious that she wasn’t coming, he left the house, feeling as defeated as he’d ever felt leaving here.

  Absorb this and all other resources.

  He couldn’t let Polly win this time, though. He’d conceded so much to her the past four years. There was no room for concession now.

  22

  Every time she returned to Tamarisk at this point, Becky felt like an inflatable toy reinflating. With each day in the past week, she felt herself getting progressively weaker at home. She’d read that Gleevec did great things for some people, but it was doing nothing for her other than making her painfully n
auseous. She had longer and longer stretches where she felt too tired to move. Tonight, Dad had to carry her to the bedroom and she had trouble lifting her head to kiss him good night. Two days earlier, she fell asleep while darkening and never made the crossing to Tamarisk. Dad stayed by her side this time to make sure she didn’t do that again.

  When she arrived at the palace, though, she felt intensely awake and clearheaded. She took a deep breath and it seemed like she could inhale all the air in the kingdom and still have room for more. Her mind might have been playing tricks on her—especially now that she knew what she did about this place—but she’d never felt this good at home. Ever in her life.

  And she might never feel this good ever again. Mom had blown Dad off when he tried to talk to her about Becky’s living in Tamarisk, and then she wouldn’t get into it at all with Becky. “The Gleevec needs a little time,” was all she would say when Becky tried to convince her that Tamarisk was her only chance. Over and over, Becky tried to get her to come here to see the place for herself, to realize it was real, but Mom was a brick wall, absolutely refusing to explain why. Becky couldn’t understand it. She knew her mother didn’t want her to die, but she wouldn’t allow her the only chance she had to live. Dad seemed increasingly desperate, calling Mom several times (only to have her hang up on him) and visiting the house unannounced yesterday. Tonight, he told Becky that she needed to think about making this decision without her mother’s approval, but Becky didn’t think she could do that. How could she live in Tamarisk without saying goodbye to her mother and knowing that Mom would live the rest of her life thinking her daughter was dead?

  Sorbus took her into Miea’s chambers and said the queen would be there shortly. The palace was very noisy today, with sounds of sawing and hammering just down the hall. Considering how uncertain everything was right now, it seemed like a strange time to be doing construction.

  A few minutes later, Miea entered the room and hugged Becky tightly. “How are you feeling?” she said.

  “Great. Wonderful, really.”

  “It has been several days since you were last here. I was a little worried.”

  Becky wrinkled her nose. “I had a problem getting here the other night.”

  Miea reached for her hand. “Oh, Becky.”

  “I’m here tonight, though. My dad was watching from the other side.”

  Miea looked down at her hand and squeezed it. “Have you made any progress with your mother?”

  “None. None at all. I’d say we were going backward, but you can’t go backward from where we started.”

  “I’m so worried for you. The fact that you couldn’t make the transit the other night scares me. What if you go back today and I never see you again?”

  Becky didn’t want to think about that, although she couldn’t think about anything else. She knew that if she could no longer make the transit, her last hope was gone. But what about Tamarisk? If Becky was too sick to return, the blight would overrun the entire kingdom. Would Tamarisk die the same time she did or would something else happen? Maybe it was just the opposite. Maybe if she died, Tamarisk would be free of her illness. That was something to hold on to if things turned out for the worst for her.

  “I can’t come here without my mom’s blessings, Miea. I just can’t. I would never be that selfish.”

  Miea looked at her carefully. “I know you can’t.” They stood in the same position for a long moment before Miea patted her hand. “Come for a walk with me.”

  They went out into the courtyard, the very first part of the outside world Becky had ever seen in Tamarisk. Gardeners tended to the flowers and bushes, birds flitted, and ground animals scurried. It was as beautiful as it was every time she came out here. The sound was different, though. The music in the air was even more out of harmony than it was the last time she was outside. There was a deep bass sound in the air, almost like a growl, in a completely different key from the higher melodies.

  They continued past the courtyard to the field where Becky caught her rides on the waccasassa. Just stepping out here gave Becky a sense of soaring. That first trip, when she met the microfarmer and the pole-disk players and when she visited the bloat marshes, was one of the most exciting experiences of her life. It gave her the feeling that she belonged in Tama-risk—though back then, she didn’t realize how much she belonged.

  As they stepped out onto the glade now, though, Becky saw green blotches marking the field and rolling down into the valley below.

  “Is that what I think it is?” she said anxiously.

  Miea nodded. “The blight is coming to the palace. These appeared in the last couple of days.” She pointed down the hill. “Much of the foliage in Tamarisk City has already gone into necrosis. The death cycle is increasing rapidly.”

  “Maybe if I spent a little time in town, the plants would come back to life.”

  “They probably would. It wouldn’t last, though. It might be better if we didn’t raise the hopes of the townspeople.”

  Becky studied the buildings just barely visible from this distance. “They must be terrified about what’s happening.”

  “They’re frighteningly silent. Normally the town is bustling and cacophonous. Now it’s still. Most people are staying in their homes. Those who go out are going about their business listlessly. It’s as though they’re resigned. I think I would have preferred an uprising.”

  They realize it’s pointless , Becky thought. They love the queen too much to make this even worse than it already is. “I’ll keep trying, Miea. I want this at least as much for Tamarisk as I want it for me.”

  Miea wrapped an arm around her shoulder and they stared out at the field, the hillside, the town, and the vast expanse of Tamarisk that lay in front of them. The view from this perspective was remarkable, and if Becky tried hard, she could still see the kingdom of her imagination.

  It was a kingdom of wonders dreamed by a girl with limitless amounts of hope.

  “I need some of that hope now,” Becky said in a whisper. She hadn’t intended to say the words aloud, but she obviously had because Miea squeezed her shoulder.

  Becky took another deep breath. The Tamariskian air filled her up.

  Three days later, Becky lay in the nurse’s office waiting for her mother to come to get her. Lonnie and she had been on their way to their second period class when Becky felt her legs go rubbery. She sat on the floor in the hall while kids filed past her quickly, a number of them asking if she was okay while Lonnie waved them away. When the halls cleared, Lonnie helped her to the nurse and then stayed with her.

  “You can go to class, I’ll be okay,” Becky said. Lonnie had already brought her a glass of water, a second pillow, and a trash can in case she felt like she was going to throw up.

  “I am not going to class.”

  “You’re just using me as an excuse to skip school.”

  “Saw right through that one, huh? You know me backward, Beck.”

  Becky tried to smile, but she wasn’t sure it appeared on her face. She felt so listless, like she would fall asleep in a second if she closed her eyes. She didn’t want to close her eyes, though. She didn’t want her mother to find her lying unconscious. Becky tried to prop herself up on the pillow, but found the effort exhausting. She lay back.

  “Do you need help?” Lonnie said.

  “No, I’m all right like this.”

  Lonnie leaned over and stroked her hair. Becky’s forehead was clammy and Lonnie probably would have teased her about that under different circumstances.

  “You know I love you, right, Beck?”

  “I love you, too, Lon.”

  “Best friends should say that to each other more often.”

  “You’re right. I’ll remember that.”

  “Not that it matters with me. I’m retiring your number.”

  That was an odd thing to say, even for someone like Lonnie. “Is that supposed to mean something?”

  “It’s like in baseball when a great player retir
es and they never use his number again. You’re my last best friend.”

  Lonnie’s voice cracked on the last word and tears ran down both sides of her face. Becky wasn’t sure she’d ever seen Lonnie cry like this before. The tears over boyfriends leaked; these dripped. “I don’t want to be your last best friend, Lon.”

  Lonnie sniffled and wiped her eyes. “I’m not asking for your opinion.”

  “I really don’t, Lon.”

  “And I really don’t care.”

  Mom walked in a few minutes later, looking horribly shaken up. She knelt down and hugged Becky and then turned and hugged Lonnie for a long time as well.

  “Do you think you can stand up?” she said when she turned back to Becky.

  “I’m not sure.”

  The nurse walked over and said, “We have a wheel-chair, if you’d like.”

  Becky flashed a look of alarm at her mother. “I don’t want to leave here in a wheelchair, Mom. I can walk out.”

  She pulled herself to a sitting position, thankful that the room hadn’t started spinning immediately. With Mom on one side and Lonnie on the other, she got to her feet. Her legs weren’t as wobbly as before and she took a few unsteady steps. With her best friend and her mother on each arm, she made her way to the car.

  Lonnie hugged her tightly before she sat down in the passenger seat and again before she closed the door. “I’ll come over after school,” she said.

  “Definitely do that.”

  “I will. And I’m totally retiring your number, Beck. No one will ever wear it again.”

  “We can talk about that this afternoon.”

  Lonnie stepped back, waving as they drove off. Becky looked behind her to see Lonnie wiping her eyes with the back of the hand she used for waving.

  As Mom exited the parking lot, the school receded behind her. She watched it until it disappeared from view.

  23

  For the past two weeks, ever since Becky had stopped going to school, Chris only went to the office on days when his daughter was with Polly. The down-sizing had begun and management had been less gracious about his decision to stay home with her than they should have been under the circumstances, but he simply didn’t care. If his supervisors truly believed he would choose time at work over any extra moment he could get with Becky, they were hideously deluded.