Jack looked at me. “I’ll see you in Mrs. Stone’s room, Becks. You’re coming, right? Mythology paper?”
I nodded. Just before he sauntered away, Jack winked at me and slapped Cole hard on the shoulder. “See you around, Neal.”
I didn’t look at Cole as I shifted my bag higher up on my shoulder. I was having a hard time acting as casual as Jack. I said, “Well, see you later.”
He grabbed my elbow. “You told him?” The anger in his voice was evident.
“Yes.”
“And he believed you?”
I looked up. “Yes.”
Cole narrowed his eyes. “You told him everything?”
Uh-oh. “Yes,” I lied. Cole studied my face for a moment, and I yanked my arm free. “I have to go.”
I turned and started to walk away, but before I took three steps Cole called out from behind me. “He doesn’t know about you leaving, does he.” It was a statement, not a question.
I tried not to falter as I ignored him and continued down the hall.
“I’m right, aren’t I?” he said. “You don’t want him to know!”
I couldn’t shake the chill as I rounded the corner. There was no way I was ready for Jack to know the truth about the Tunnels coming for me.
I heard loud footsteps behind me as Cole ran to catch up.
“Wait, Nik. Please hear me out.”
I turned to face him.
“How can you trust Jack?”
He had to be kidding. I sighed and turned, but he grabbed my shoulder.
“Nik, you know what he did to you,” Cole said softly. “You know what you saw at the dorm. The night you decided to go under with me.” I closed my eyes. “Are you sure you’re betting on the right guy? I would never hurt you like that.”
I shook his hand off my shoulder, realizing for the first time just how much Cole may have contributed to my fall. I’d seen at the Christmas Dance how Cole could influence people’s moods.
“Stop pretending you had nothing to do with my decision. I know what you can do.” I remembered how Cole’s breath had washed over me on my front porch right before I’d left for Jack’s dorm. I was sure now he had the ability to influence my emotions. “You made me doubt him.”
LAST YEAR
Two days before the Feed.
I never thought I would care whether or not the man who was driving the car that struck and killed my mother was convicted of manslaughter. My mother was still dead. Verdict or no verdict.
But the day the jury came back with their decision, I realized how wrong I’d been.
I heard the news at school. Kevin Reid was going free. Case dismissed on a technicality. The blood-alcohol test had been tampered with.
I left school early, and when I got home, I could hear my father’s voice coming from the bedroom. He was on the phone. I was about to call his name, but then I heard what he was saying.
“… Our official response is that we have faith in the legal system we have been given and will accept the outcome our system produces.”
He was quiet for a minute.
I didn’t realize I was frozen in place in the hallway. His bedroom door was open a crack, and so I pushed it open further. My dad turned to look at me, smiled, blinked his eyes, and nodded his head. I knew that look. It was the practiced look of sympathy he would pull when questioning a victim in front of a jury.
He held up a finger as he continued his end of the conversation. “We have no plans to appeal. At this point, the only way my family will move forward is if we forgive—”
I threw my backpack at him. Without warning. It hit him in the face before I even realized it’d left my hands. He looked at me with a stunned expression, and for a moment the only sound in the room came from my heavy breathing. How could he talk about forgiveness?
“Lemme call you back, Phil. ’Kay?” He didn’t wait for Phil’s response; he just snapped his phone shut. “Nikki? What the hell was that all about?”
“Reid!” I couldn’t think of anything else to say.
“He got off, Nikki. You knew this was a possibility.”
I knew it. But nobody believed it would actually happen. “There’s got to be something we can do. He can’t get away with it.”
My dad sighed and sat on the edge of his bed, patting the spot beside him. “Sit down, Nikki.”
“I’m fine,” I said. “Who were you talking to on the phone just now?”
“Phil at the Trib.”
“He’s going to run it in the paper? That we forgive him?”
He nodded. “Nikki, the entire town has been affected by this whole thing because of my position as mayor. It needs to be known that we trust in the legal system. And with the election coming up…” His voice trailed off.
I couldn’t believe what he was saying. “I get it. You look good if you lie.”
He stood up and walked toward me, his hand outstretched. “Nikki. Your mother would’ve wanted us to stand together. We’ll never heal until we forgive.”
I slapped his hand away. “You don’t know what she would’ve wanted. You’d have to actually be here to know her.” He winced, but I couldn’t stop myself. “Good luck sleeping tonight.”
I left him standing there, looking at the hand I’d slapped. He didn’t call after me.
I didn’t know where to go. Jules was in Vancouver with her family for spring break. Besides, Jack was really the only person who would understand.
I didn’t give myself a chance to change my mind. I grabbed my keys and headed out the door, almost running into Cole on the porch.
“Whoa, Nik. You okay?” His brow creased in concern.
“Cole.” I brushed the tears off my cheeks. “What are you doing here?”
He held up the T-shirt he’d been carrying. “Wanted to show you the latest design, but it looks like now’s not a good time.”
“I’m sorry, but I have to go. I have to see Jack.”
I started past him, but he grabbed my arm. “Wait. Can I do anything?”
“No. Thanks. But I need to go.”
“Of course.” He put both hands on my shoulders and pulled me toward him so we were face-to-face. “Drive safely, okay?”
I nodded, unable to think clearly with him so close. “Umm … thanks. I’ll see you later, okay?”
He released my arms and then I jumped in my car, trying to ignore the sudden niggling feeling in the back of my mind that it might not be a good idea to crash Jack’s football camp unannounced. I pushed the thought aside. Once the engine started, I blasted music and began the hour-long drive to the dorms at Utah State University.
By the time I got to Logan, my ears were ringing. I had to admit my resolve was shaken a little, but not enough to convince me to turn around and go back.
I wasn’t sure what Jack would tell me. Who he would side with. He’d been the one who always tried to talk to me about Reid’s trial, but I never wanted to. Now that I knew Reid was free to go home to his wife and kids and heal his fractured family, while we were all left broken… I couldn’t take it.
I drove to Henley Hall. I didn’t know where Jack was staying, beyond the name of the dormitory that housed the team year after year.
The thought of burying my head in Jack’s chest, his arms wrapped around my waist, kept me from searching for a legal parking space. I pulled into the handicapped spot closest to the building. Who cared if I got a ticket? It would go on my dad’s insurance.
A storm was brewing, and tiny little ice flakes danced in the bitter wind. My long-sleeved tee offered no protection, and the ten seconds it took me to sprint to the bottom doors were painful with the cold.
I threw the door open and darted inside, running into the broad shoulders of Brent Paxton. Linebacker. In charge of protecting his quarterback.
“Hey! Nikki? What are you doing here?” He seemed anxious about my being there, and I remembered this was a boys-only dorm. But I didn’t care.
“Where’s Jack?” I started for the stairs
behind Brent, ready to search the building. Brent stepped in front of me.
“You’re not supposed to be here.”
“Look, I know I’m breaking rules.” My voice cracked and I could feel my eyes getting wetter. “But I need Jack. Where is he?”
“I don’t know.” He wasn’t looking me in the eye.
Ky Wilson came bounding down the stairs at that moment. “Did I hear someone of the female persuasion… Oh, hey, Nikki.”
I didn’t bother with pleasantries. “Where’s Jack?”
“Offense up. Defense down.” He thumbed in the direction behind him. Brent cleared his throat behind me and caught Ky’s eye. “What?” Ky asked.
I didn’t stick around to hear Ky get in trouble for helping the girlfriend. I took the steps two at a time. On the second floor, a couple of players were hanging out in the hallway. And a few cheerleaders. Most of the doors were open.
I asked the first person I saw. A freshman. I didn’t know his name. “Jack Caputo’s room. Where is it?”
“There,” he said, pointing down the hall. “Two thirty-seven.”
“Thanks.”
So close. So close. I walked as fast as I could, ignoring the many stares. Settle down, everyone. I wasn’t trying to crash the cool kids’ party. I just wanted my boyfriend.
I stopped outside 237, and suddenly I didn’t know what to do. Knock? Throw the door open? That same uneasy feeling gnawed at my insides. I decided to knock. There were probably two to a room, and I didn’t want to walk in on a half-naked player.
I raised my fist to knock, but then I saw the handle turn. The door slowly creaked open. It was dark inside the room. A figure appeared, with her back to the hallway, her long dark hair reaching almost to the waistband of her silk shorts. I knew that hair. It belonged to Lacey Greene. She tiptoed backward out of the room, as if she were trying not to disturb whoever was inside. I had to step aside so she wouldn’t back into me. She turned the handle as she closed the door, so it wouldn’t make a click.
The hallway had gotten very quiet. Lacey turned around, and when she saw me right in front of her, she let out a tiny yelp. Then she smiled. How was it that girls like Lacey could recover their composure so quickly?
“Jack’s room?” I whispered.
Her smile grew wider. Things in the hallway stopped making sense. The walls became distorted and Lacey seemed very tall at that moment. Taller than I ever remembered, even though she was barefoot.
I looked down at her perfectly manicured toes. “The carpet’s dirty.”
She giggled as if I had lost it. “Well, isn’t this awkward?” she whispered.
I’d felt humiliation and rage in my life before, but never at the levels I was feeling now. All I knew was that there was this awful secret everyone was in on. Everyone but me. I should’ve seen it coming. I did see it coming.
I ran out of the building as fast as I could and fumbled with the keys. I was in such a hurry that I slipped on a patch of black ice just in front of my car and went careening into the front bumper, smacking my arm hard. That was all I needed to squeeze the first tears out.
I scrambled inside the car. The ignition coughed and sputtered momentarily, and I thought it would be just my luck to be stranded here, but it finally started. The windshield wipers swiped back and forth, carrying a small red envelope across my windshield. A parking ticket, I was sure.
I leaned my forehead against the steering wheel and sobbed. I hated everyone. I had nothing. No one anymore.
A flickering light from the building caught my eye, and I glanced up at the source. It was coming from the second floor, where a light was turning off and on. Jack was standing in front of the window, shirtless, waving both arms at me, and when he saw I had looked up, he held his hands out, palms toward the outside, and mouthed the words Don’t go. Stay.
He didn’t move. He was waiting for me to answer. I nodded and he disappeared.
There was a chance talking to Jack would make me feel better. But there was a better chance whatever he had to say would make everything worse. Crush me. I threw the car into reverse and peeled out of the parking lot. I didn’t check my rearview mirror.
There was one person who I knew could make me feel better. All I had to do was find him and ask.
Cole would take the pain away.
As I climbed the outside stairs to the second floor, I could hear music coming from Cole’s condo. It was so loud, I almost expected the door to vibrate with the beat.
I didn’t have to knock. The door swung open and Meredith Jenkins looked out at me. Apparently, she was back early from cheerleading camp. “Nikki. What are you doing here?”
“I’m looking for Cole,” I said, but I couldn’t hear my voice above the music.
She leaned closer. “What?”
“I said I’m looking for Cole.”
She shifted in the doorway. “It’s not a good time, Nikki. Why don’t you go home and I’ll give him a message?” She started to close the door, not waiting for an answer.
At that point, I wasn’t sure I could see straight enough to even drive my car. I put my hand on the door. “It won’t take long.”
She looked at my hand. “I don’t know if he’s still here.”
“Could you please check?” I let go of the door and hugged my arms into my chest, rubbing them. “Please?”
“Wait here,” she said, and she closed the door.
I thought about turning around and walking away. There was a party going on and it was obvious I wasn’t welcome. But what would I be going home to? The pain in my chest would only get worse. Even now it was scraping at my lungs, threatening to tear apart my insides.
I turned around and clutched my stomach.
“Nik?” Cole’s voice came from behind me.
I composed my face and turned toward him.
“What are you doing here?” he asked, and then he looked closer at my face. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, I just…” My voice caught, and I knew another word would bring on the tears.
He watched me as I tried to calm myself.
“I just needed … someone.”
He glanced over his shoulder at the party and then faced me again. “Where’s Jules?”
“Never mind. I’ve obviously interrupted something.” I turned around to leave, but he grabbed my arm.
“Wait.” He sighed. “Tell me what’s going on.”
I looked at the wooden slats.
He was quiet for a moment, and I started picking at the sleeve of my T-shirt.
“You’re hurting,” he finally said. I nodded without looking up. “And you want me to take the pain away.”
I raised my head. “I can’t breathe, it hurts so much. Can you do that thing that you did on the river? Whatever it was?”
“It’s dangerous, Nik.”
“I don’t care.”
“You won’t be able to stop me, and eventually you won’t feel anything anymore.”
“I’m tired of feeling.”
He was quiet for a moment. He raised a hand to my cheek. “You have so much raw emotion in you. You’re young. Everything is so fresh.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means you don’t know what you’re doing.” He looked away from me, out toward the night sky, and it seemed like he wasn’t talking to me anymore. He wasn’t talking to anybody. “It was an experiment. It wasn’t supposed to work.”
“What are you talking about?”
He put his elbows on the balcony and dropped his head down. He was quiet for a long moment. The only sounds came from his deep breaths in and out. Something big seemed to be happening for him. Finally, he spoke. “You should go home.”
I sniffed. Home. Where my mother was gone. Where I couldn’t look at my father. Where Jack could find me and tell me in person that he’d found someone else. “I can’t go home.”
I don’t know if it was something in my voice, but he finally looked at me. “Nik, you’re killing me.”
/>
I sensed he was close to caving in. I put my hand on his arm and he let me turn him toward me. “Please.”
He grimaced. “I can’t say no to you. And that’s going to be a problem.”
“But you’ll help me?”
“I’ll take the pain away,” he corrected. “If you want me to. But once I do, there’s no going back. Do you understand?”
I nodded. He took my hand and pulled me into his apartment. The place was filled with the strangest assortment of people I’d ever seen.
Meredith, who’d been oddly cold, watched me and called out to Cole, “Feeding off naïveté now?”
“Go find Max, Meredith. He’ll take care of you,” Cole said.
“You’re not going to find the answer with her.”
“The other way isn’t working either.”
She shrugged, then we snaked through the crowd as Cole led me down a hallway to one of the bedrooms and shut the door behind us.
When he turned to face me, I could already feel the thinnest layer of pressure slipping away, and that overwhelming feeling of paranoia and rage and insecurity—the three strangers that had taken residence inside me—whooshed out of me like a deflating balloon, and instantly I realized I should’ve stayed and heard Jack out. I knew him. I’d memorized the architecture of his soul, and right then I knew he’d never do anything to hurt me.
“I have to go back.” I tried to move, but my muscles wouldn’t obey my mind.
“There’s no going back,” Cole said.
I’d come here because Cole had the bizarre ability to take away pain, but now that I was thinking more clearly, I wondered if he also had the ability to force other emotions on me. Cole had been there every time I’d felt most insecure about Jack. The day he was leaving for football camp. The night of Cole’s concert at the Dead Goat Saloon, when I couldn’t stop thinking about Lacey.
“Did you do this?” I asked him.
“Do what?”
“Make this whole thing happen?”
“I can’t force people to do something they don’t want to do.” He looked down for a moment. “You just tasted a little bit of my own doubts about Jack.”
He looked back up, and started draining my pain away at an alarming rate, and I felt woozy and lightheaded. “I have to go back. I have to talk to Jack…”
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