by J. S. Cooper
“What’s so funny?”
“Your look of disappointment when you realized that there was nothing for you to watch on TV.”
“Oh, oops, sorry.” I stood up and walked over to give him a hug. “I’m just glad to be here with you.”
“At least we have that.” He kissed my forehead. “Now excuse me a second, I just need to go to the bathroom.”
“Um, about that.” I grabbed ahold of him. “I think we have to use a public toilet.”
“What?” He shouted, his face growing angry again. “I am not paying $400 a night to use a public restroom.”
“This place is $400 a night?” My eyes almost popped out of their sockets. There was no way this place was worth even $40 a night.
“Are you sure about the toilet?” Zane walked to the bathroom, opened a door and cursed. “Okay, let’s see if it is somewhere else.” I tried not to look at him like he was crazy, but the room was so dreadfully small, there wasn’t even a place to hide a toilet.
Zane walked to the corner of the room and opened a door to what I thought I thought was the closet. “What the fuck?” Zane cursed again as he looked in front of the open door.
I walked over to him to see what had gotten him so worked up. My face paled as I stared at the toilet. It was a normal looking toilet, but it took up the whole “room.” There was no way someone could sit on the toilet and close the door; it was literally impossible.
“Oh, that’s a tight space.”
We both stood there staring at each other for a couple of seconds before we both started laughing. Our laughter was so loud that I thought someone would think we were dying of a laughing attack. I doubled over from laughing so hard and Zane grabbed hold of me to keep me from falling over. “My stomach hurts.” I took a breath and clutched onto his arm.
“I’m about to piss my pants.” Zane gave me a wry smile. “Literally.”
“Well then you better go to the toilet.” I pointed to the door and he shuddered.
“Okay.” He took two steps and I heard him unzip his pants, and then I heard the sound of his wee as it hit the toilet bowl.
I cringed when I realized that every noise someone made while on the toilet would be heard by everyone in the room. I quickly walked back to the bed and laid flat on my back, deep in thought. What was I going to do when I needed to go to the bathroom? There was no way I wanted him to hear me on the toilet, not for number 1 or 2. Number 1 was bad enough, but I knew I would die of shame if he heard me go number 2. There were some things that should just never be shared.
“That’s better.” Zane plopped down on the bed next to me and I frowned.
“You didn’t wash your hands.”
“What?” He looked confused.
“You didn’t wash your hands and you were just holding your Johnson.”
“My Johnson?” He jumped up and walked to the bathroom. “I’d rather we call him Zane Jr.”
“I’d rather we didn’t call him anything at all, actually.” I stared at Zane as he made his way back to the bed. His hair was growing longer and I could see the facial hair growing on his neck and face. He looked handsome, and manly. I wanted to feel the rough of his stubble against the softness of my skin.
“Are you sure about that?” He laid down flat on his stomach and leaned on his arms while staring at me.
“Sure about what?” His eyes and lips had mesmerized me and I wasn’t sure what he was talking about.
“You know what.” He laughed and all of a sudden I was taken back to the first day I saw him come into the diner. It had been a Friday about 7 p.m. It had been pretty slow and Maria and I’d been dancing around behind the counter. She had been trying to teach me the basic salsa steps and I had been concentrating so hard that I hadn’t even noticed some customers had entered the restaurant.
“Sorry to bother you two dancing queens, but do you think we can get a table?” His voice had been deep and firm, but his tone had been full of laughter.
I looked up, ready to apologize, but the words had stuck in my throat as I gazed into his deep blue eyes. He had stared back at me, and we had what I had thought was an instant connection. I had given him a sweet smile and was about to lead him to a table when I noticed the gorgeous blonde behind him. She stood there snarling at me and then studied her fingernails, and I had felt about six inches tall.
“I’m sorry, sir. This way.” I had grabbed the menus and berated myself mentally for thinking that we had had a connection. There was no way a man like him would be interested in a waitress like me.
“I thought I had walked into a dance class and not a diner.” His eyes teased me as he took the menus and I blushed.
“Sorry about that.” I muttered again and he winked at me.
“Do you guys only have burgers?” The blonde had looked at me in disgust. “What is this place, Zane? I thought we were going to Ruth’s Chris.”
“They didn’t have any reservations, Emily.” He had reached over and caressed her hand. “A burger won’t kill you just this once.”
“I guess so, Zane.” She had tinkled and tightened her fingers in his. I had stood there staring at them for a moment when Zane had looked up at me and smiled. A real, wide, genuine smile, and I had been captivated by him. It wasn’t just that he had been the most gorgeous man I had ever seen but there was a glint in his eyes that had lit a part of me on fire.
“Are you okay, Lucky?” Zane’s expression was worried as he looked at me searchingly.
I nodded slowly. “I was just thinking about the first time we met.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, your expression just now reminded me of that day.” I smiled gently and ran my fingers along his jaw line. “You were so arrogant and hot, I didn’t know what to think about you.”
“I’m just glad you thought about me period.” He stared into my eyes. “To think we may never have met if I had never gone in that diner that night.”
“We would have met.” I leaned forward and kissed him. “We’re soul mates. Soul mates always meet up at some point in their lives.”
“You’re just a regular old romantic sap aren’t you Lucky?” He kissed me back gently. “Can I hear your song for me now?”
“It’s bad.” I shook my head. “I don’t want to say it now.”
“Why not?”
“Yours was so beautiful and mine…well, mine is just really bad and goofy.”
“Nothing about you is goofy.”
“Have you seen me at the gym?” I giggled. “Trust me, if you saw me try to use some of those weight machines, you would think I was the goofiest person that you ever met.”
“Stop trying to change the subject.” He licked my lips with the tip of his tongue. “Let me hear it.”
“If you promise not to laugh.”
“Of course I won’t laugh.”
“Okay.” I groaned. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you, but it’s really goofy.”
“I’m waiting.”
“Argh. Okay. Here we go.” I cleared my throat and sat up a little bit so that we were eye to eye. I coughed and then recited the poem I had written for him.
Zane, there has never been a man like you
Who has taken my heart and swallowed it up
I want you to know that you never have to doubt
That you have my love forever
I’ll never leave you, never stop loving you, never stop wanting to be with you
You are me, I am you, we are one
The room was silent as I finished speaking and I was scared that Zane was trying to hold his laughter in. I looked into his eyes and I realized that they looked wet.
“I told you it sucked.” I mumbled, embarrassed.
“That was amazing, Lucky. Thank you.” He reached over and squeezed my hand. “Now, what do you want to go and do?”
“Wait, we’re going out?” I was surprised and disappointed that he had changed the topic so quickly but I didn’t want to ask him why. I knew he was a newbie to emotio
ns and I was pretty confident that he was most probably feeling overwhelmed with everything that was going on.
He jumped up off of the bed and stared down at me. “Want to see the Eiffel Tower by night?”
“Sure, I suppose so.” I sat up and rubbed my eyes before getting off of the bed. “I didn’t know we were going to go out right away.”
“There’s no time like the present right?” He laughed forcefully and looked away. He walked over to his suitcase and started fiddling around with it and I stood there watching him unsure of what to say.
“Did I do something to make you mad, Zane?” I asked softly. “Was it my poem? I’m sorry if you didn’t like it.”
He turned around slowly and looked at me with a clouded expression. “I liked the poem, Lucky.”
“So why are you acting so funny?”
“You really love me, don’t you?”
“You know I do.”
“It just suddenly felt real. I know that sounds dumb, but I think it just hit me like a ton of bricks. You really really love me and you are in this whatever happens.” He paused. “I’m not an easy man to love and I know that I’ve already put you through a lot. I guess I’m just wondering how much you can put up with. There are going to be so many more ups and downs with me.” He grimaced. “If you haven’t noticed, I get jealous, angry, and annoyed, and it hit me that at some point you’re no longer going to be thinking we are one. At some point you’re going to regret that you said you would never leave me or stop wanting to be with me. I know you love me. But sometimes love isn’t enough. Sometimes people can push you away so hard that it doesn’t matter how much you love them.”
“I’m not going to leave you, Zane.”
“But you don’t know that. You can’t guarantee it.” He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, this is something I’m trying to be rational about. It’s just hard.”
“Don’t freeze me out, Zane.” I took a deep breath. “I need to tell you something.”
“What?” His eyes narrowed and his body stilled. “What is it Lucky?”
“Noah found your mom.” I began and when I saw the confused, but excited expression in his eyes, I suddenly felt scared to tell him more. “I guess he was looking for her online. That’s what Sidney told me.”
“I wondered what the two of you were whispering about.”
“Noah gave him a file before he died and in the file was the contact information for your mom.” Zane’s expression was obstinate, but I could see the hope in his eyes and it killed me.
“I see. So what next?” He ran his hands through his hair. “I don’t know what to say. Am I supposed to call her? Did Noah call her?”
“I, uh, I don’t know.” I bit my lip, unsure of how to tell him about my conversation with his mother without breaking his heart.
“I guess I’ll call her when we get back?” He shrugged to pretend that he didn’t care but I knew differently. “I’ll have to tell her Noah died.”
“The thing is… she’s in Paris,” I blurted out.
“What?” His head stilled. “She’s here?”
“Yes.” I took a big gulp. “I called her.”
“You told her we were coming here?” His voice was low and angry. “I don’t want to see her, Lucky.”
“I …” My voice choked up and I wasn’t sure how to finish my sentence. “I spoke to her and ….”
“She’s expecting to see me now, isn’t she? She thinks she can just come back in my life after everything that happened? She thinks that after 19 years I’m going to greet her back into my life with open arms. Or did she run out of money? Did she ask you if I have money?”
“No.” My voice was low.
“I can’t believe you told her I would go and see her.” Zane was fuming. “I’m done with her. I do not care about her. I do not care to see her. She left me, Lucky. She left me and never looked back.”
“I’m sorry.” Tears brimmed in my eyes at the anger in Zane’s voice. I wasn’t sad because he was shouting at me though. I was sad because I knew beyond a doubt that all he wanted was for his mom to have a good reason for leaving him. I didn’t correct his misapprehension of our conversation because I didn’t want him to know the truth. I’d rather he think she wanted to get back into his life than what had really been said.
“Lucky, I’m not mad at you.” He stepped back and picked up his wallet. “I’m just not in that place. I didn’t have a happy family like you. She left and she can’t expect to just come back into my life.”
“I understand.”
“What did she say?” His eyes looked at me intensely. “Anything important?” The words slipped out of his mouth casually, but I knew that what I said next would weigh on his heart and in his mind for the rest of his life. And so I did the only thing I thought I could do, I lied.
“She was upset.” I tried to avoid his eyes. “She said it was the hardest thing she ever had to do. And every day, she thinks about you and Noah, and wonders what sort of men you turned into.”
“I bet she wants to know if we ended up looking like her or our dad.”
“Yeah.”
“She was sad, huh?” Zane played with his fingers as he spoke and I started plaiting my hair.
“Yeah, she was really sad. I think she really regrets what she did.” And if she didn’t, she should, I thought to myself.
“That’s not enough.” Zane’s voice was gruff. “You don’t get your sons back because you realize you made a mistake.”
“Yeah. I think she’ll regret it for the rest of her life.”
“Well,” Zane turned off the TV. “She should. Are you ready?”
“Yeah.” I nodded and picked up my bag and we left the hotel room. My heart was heavy at the lies I had told, but I’d rather have a guilty conscience than have Zane have another broken heart.
Chapter 11
Zane
“What shall we do today, boys?” She sat at her vanity table and brushed her hair. “Do you want to go to the beach?”
“Yes, please.” I sat on the floor playing Legos with Noah.
“No, not the beach.” Noah made a face. “I want to go wrestling.”
“We can’t go wrestling.” I rolled my eyes and looked at her for approval. “Right?”
“Right, Zane, we can’t go wrestling, Noah. Just think about what your dad would say.”
I stuck my tongue out at Noah and jumped up. “Can I brush your hair?” I reached my hand out for the brush.
“Not today, Zane.” She shook her head. “You take too long.”
I stood behind her, awkwardly wanting to reach over and hug her, but I was too scared, so I walked away slowly.
“Come, Zane, it’s your turn.” Noah called out to me.
“I’m tired of playing Legos.” I made to leave the room.
“You’re just jealous because my army is beating your army.” Noah picked up his toy car and it came crashing down on the tower I had been building.
“What are you doing?” I cried out angrily. “You ruined it.”
“I told you to come.”
“He ruined it, he ruined it.” I shouted and stood there with my hands clenched.
“Noah, say sorry to your brother and Zane please quiet down. It’s not a big deal.” She continued brushing her hair and spoke without turning around.
“You’re such a baby, Zane.” Noah jumped up and grinned, sticking his tongue out, back at me.
“Sally, Noah just stuck his tongue out at me.”
“Zane did it first, Sally. He did it first.” Noah ran over to our nanny and hugged her. She lifted him into her lap and patted his head. Noah leaned his head into her shoulder and I walked out of the room upset and jealous as she held him close to her heart.
“Zane, wake up.” Lucky shook my shoulder and I opened my eyes slowly.
“Huh?” I looked up at her through sleep-filled eyes. “What happened?”
“You kept shouting, ‘I want a hug too, I want a hug too!’” She looked a
t me with worried eyes. “Is everything ok?”
“Yeah.” I nodded and sat up. My throat was dry and I cleared it. “It was just a dream.”
“About your mom again?” Her eyes were sad and she reached over to hold my hand. It felt light and soft next to mine and I squeezed it gratefully. I liked having her in the bed next to me. I didn’t know how I had gotten through the dreams without her by my side before.
“No, this dream was about one of my old nannies.” I shook my head. “Weird, I haven’t thought about Sally in years.”
“Was she nice to you?”
“She was our first nanny after my mom left. She stayed for a few years and then left when she got married to a guy who owned his own car dealership.”
“Were you close?”
“She was closer to Noah. I found it hard to reach out.”
“But you were only six when your mother left. You never tried to get close to anyone?”
“No, you’re the first person I’ve really let in. I guess you can say you’re special.” I gave her a weak smile and she sighed. “Though I suppose that makes me sounds like a bit of a loser. A 25-year-old man who never got over his mother leaving him.”
“That’s not something that many people can get over, Zane.”
“They’re not going to stop, are they?” I muttered without waiting for answer. “The dreams aren’t going to stop, are they?”
“Do you want them to stop?” Her voice sounded as sweet as an angel and I wanted to just be able to focus on that. I wanted to be consumed by her love for me and only her love for me. I wanted to banish the pain and hurt from my life. And the first step to getting rid of the pain would be to know why my mom had left.