Blush

by Lauren Jameson

  “How much do I have to do what you say?” Maddy narrowed her eyes as she chewed the next bite that Alex fed her. Strange, but this was the third meal that they’d shared in this manner, and it was starting to feel almost normal, accepting bits of sustenance from his hand.

  “Do you mean, will my dominance over you extend beyond the bedroom?”

  Maddy nodded warily as thoughtfulness crossed his face. Though she liked the idea of having many of her decisions made for her, she also knew that she didn’t want to be under his total control. Panic surged through her at the thought, and her muscles tensed, something that Alex noticed.

  “Easy.” Another bite of egg was delivered to Maddy’s mouth. “Well, there’s not a hard-and-fast rule for that, Maddy. It’s something we’ll have to work out on our own. I will say that I’ve never much cared for the idea of a full-time slave. I will enjoy making decisions for you in the bedroom, absolutely, and in some instances when we’re outside of it, too. But I need a break once in a while.”

  “What do you mean?” She still couldn’t believe that she was actually having this discussion.

  “Making all of the decisions for another person can be exhausting. I don’t like to do it one hundred percent of the time.” Relief washed over her. “So how about we start with your submission in the bedroom, where it already seems to be working, and we’ll figure out the rest as we go? Does that sound acceptable to you?”

  Maddy contemplated, eyes fixed on her twisting fingers. She couldn’t believe the words that were tumbling to her lips were coming from her mouth.

  “I think . . . I think I’d like . . .” What would Buffy do, remember? Come on, Maddy, spit it out. “I think I’d rather start with more control than less and rein it in if it’s not working.”

  Alex looked surprised, but the surprise quickly melted into pleasure and heat. She was relieved that he wasn’t appalled or disgusted by her request.

  The thought of relinquishing control over so many things that made her feel out of control every day . . . it was appealing on a very basic level. All she had to think about was pleasing him.

  “You’re already pleasing me,” Alex murmured as if he had read Maddy’s thoughts. “As for time, I thought that we’d figure that out as we go as well. With my work, we’ll have to, since I don’t keep a very regular schedule, and there will be weekends . . . there will be times when I’m not available.”

  Maddy frowned. There it was again, that secret that she’d picked up on. She knew it was none of her business, but the thought just popped into her mind, of how many other women would die to be in her place right now. They might even have agreed to all of his demands without protest, something she knew she wouldn’t and couldn’t do.

  She tried to shake off the insecurity. She had enough to worry about right now without throwing in imaginary girlfriends for her . . . her lover.

  That said . . . “Are we . . . I mean . . .” Alex raised his eyebrows, encouraging Maddy to finish. It was hard for her to spit out, but it was also one of the most important things that she had to say. “I don’t . . . I’m not comfortable with multiple partners.” She could feel the blush of scarlet rioting over her cheeks. “I mean . . . I know this isn’t a typical relationship. But I can’t be with you in that way unless . . .”

  Alex leaned forward until his lips whispered over hers. They were warm and made her want to nip at them possessively. “I don’t believe in sleeping around.”

  Unable to resist, Maddy leaned forward until they were actually kissing, his lips slanting over her own. He sampled her lips until she was out of breath, and her head spun as she sat back in her chair.

  “Good.” Their eyes met, and the words questioning what, exactly, this relationship was were on the tip of Maddy’s tongue, but she forcibly swallowed them back.

  “That said, some BDSM relationships involve sharing with other partners—voyeurism, swinging, ménage. I’m not interested in any of that for the long term, but if it intrigues you and will help open you up to your sexuality, then I’m open to it.”

  “I’m not intrigued!” Maddy blurted hastily, and Alex cast her a Methinks the lady doth protest too much look.

  And damn it, but he was right, as per usual. She didn’t know if she could ever actually follow through, but after the shock faded, she couldn’t get rid of the image of the hands of more than one man on her, of someone watching as Alex thrust deep inside of her.

  “If it’s something I think you need, then I’ll arrange it, and we will do it.” His voice was matter-of-fact.

  “Unless I use my safe word.”

  Suddenly intense, Alex leaned forward and clasped both of her hands in his, those glacial pale eyes fixed on her own.

  “Understand now, Maddy. You may use your safe word at any time, and I will stop. We’ll talk about what you’re experiencing. But if you decide to end whatever it is we’re doing, then that’s it. Forever.”

  Maddy hissed in a breath; there went her safety net. “Why?” Her voice was soft. She felt incredibly vulnerable.

  “Submission is about trust. You need to trust that I’m going to take care of you, that I’m going to push you to get you what you need, but that I won’t take you farther than you can handle. A safe word tossed out all the time negates the trust, so I don’t allow it.”

  Holy hell. She didn’t know if she could do this. She trusted him not to hurt her physically, and she trusted him to take care of her. But to trust him so entirely that she couldn’t pull away when she needed to, when those emotions from her past came rolling through like a fog . . .

  Maddy wasn’t sure that she could do that. She wanted to, but she truly didn’t know if she could.

  She could feel Alex’s eyes, evaluating her, assessing her in that way he had. She could see the need that simmered just below the surface for him, but he was holding it in check . . . for the moment.

  “Before you sign, Maddy, understand this. Once you give control to me, I will immerse you. There isn’t a halfway point.”

  Maddy swallowed against the sudden thickness in her throat. She wanted to. Everything in her wanted to.

  “What are you thinking, Maddy?”

  She knew that this was ultimately about sex for him, but when he looked at her like that, she felt as if she were the only woman in his world. She tried to look away, but he turned her back with one long finger pressed against her cheek.

  “Maddy.” His voice was stern.

  Maddy bit her lower lip, knowing that he wasn’t going to like what she was about to say. “I want to. I really want to. But . . . I’d like to talk this over with Dr. Gill before I jump in.”

  Though he controlled it well, the slight flare of Alex’s nostrils and the dilation of his pupils, visible at this close range, alerted Maddy to the fact that, as she had guessed, he was not at all impressed.

  “I would really rather you didn’t discuss it with the shrink.”

  Even though she’d been expecting it, his words were a slap in the face. Maddy could feel irritation begin to simmer, an acidic burn in the pit of her stomach. “Her name is Dr. Gill. She is a psychologist.” She didn’t think the word shrink alone was all that derogatory, but the tone in Alex’s voice certainly was. “And she’s helped me a lot.”

  Alex opened his mouth to say something else about Dr. Gill that she wouldn’t like, she was sure, but surprisingly, he choked it back before narrowing his eyes, his expression deadly serious.

  “Fine. If you feel it is something that you need, I won’t say any more about it. But I would prefer that you not discuss me with the psychologist.”

  Now Maddy was angry.

  “What is your hang-up with therapists, Alex? She’s not some New Age quack. She’s got a doctorate. She’s smart. And without her suggestion that I make my list, I would never have met you!” Maddy bit her tongue as soon as she was done speaking. She wasn’t sure that she wanted Alex to know what a huge role he had played in her life in the brief time they’d known each other.


  They glared at each other where they sat, nearly nose to nose at the tiny card table that sat in her kitchen. She wasn’t happy about his high-handed attitude.

  There weren’t many things that would entice Maddy to go head-to-head with Alex Fraser, who, truth be told, looked a little bit frightening at the moment. But though she knew what her answer ultimately would be, she just wanted a little reassurance that she wasn’t crazy before agreeing to be bound and disciplined.

  “Alex, I just want to talk to someone a little more . . . objective. If you can try to understand that, then . . . I promise I will at least try.” Thinking of the night before, when Alex had bound her hands behind her back, had used cinnamon and mint oils and vibrators, Maddy shuddered lightly with pleasure.

  It wouldn’t be that hard for her to try; she knew that. She wanted to know that she wasn’t crazy.

  “I know you’ll try, because you want this as much as I do.” Something in Alex’s eyes softened, just a tiny bit, though his lips were still pressed tightly together. “A few years ago I . . . I had a really bad experience with a therapist.”

  Maddy waited for him to relax a bit now that he’d told her this. He didn’t. Instead, he changed the subject by placing the fork on the table and lifting her over his shoulder the same way he had the night before.

  She yelped as her sleep shirt rode up and cool air hit her bottom.

  “Time for you to get showered and dressed, babe.” He carried her bodily to the tiny bathroom and crowded in with her. He made himself busy, starting the water, adjusting the temperature, and stripping her out of her T-shirt. Her skin flushed as his eyes raked over her naked frame. Maddy could see the front of his pants beginning to tent with his erection, and she reached for him with eager fingers.

  “Nope.” She frowned as he coaxed her beneath the stinging spray, then closed the plastic curtain with a snap. She pulled it back to share her scowl, which he regarded calmly.

  “Get going, babe.” Reaching an arm beneath the water, he smacked her lightly on the butt, just hard enough to make her jump. “You’ve got twenty minutes to be at the front door, ready to go.”

  “Where are we going?” A frisson of nerves shot through Maddy’s veins as she reached for her soap. The lavender and tea tree scent calmed her a bit, as always, but not nearly enough.

  “You’ll see. Wear long sleeves.” She felt a whoosh of cold air as he opened the bathroom door, letting steam escape. She scraped the exfoliating bar over the fresh goose bumps as if trying to scrub them off while her teeth chattered. “Seventeen minutes, Maddy.”

  Excitement surged, mixing with the nerves that had already collected in her belly.

  She may not have thought that she was ready for something new, but around Alex there certainly wasn’t much time to think.

  • • •

  “Alex, what are we doing? I really want to know.” The farther away from Maddy’s house that they drove, the more nervous she became. By the time Alex pulled off onto a small gravel road, her palms were sweating.

  She rubbed them on the front of her jeans as he parked his Turbo beside a small car hauler. Declan was there, sitting astride something that looked like a smart car on which someone had removed the doors and injected the tires with steroids. He rode the contraption down off the car hauler, waving when he saw them.

  “What the hell is that?” Maddy’s nerves ramped up to anxiety. It was obvious now what Alex had planned.

  It had been hard enough for her to get back behind the wheel of a normal car after the accident. She still had an illogical fear of other motorized vehicles, which, according to her hammering pulse, included that death trap.

  “That’s my quad.” Alex grinned, a boy showing off his shiny toy, until he turned and saw Maddy’s face, which she could feel was paper white, the blood having drained right out of it.

  “Maddy, what’s wrong?” In a flash, he parked the car and was out and around to her door. Leaning in, he undid her seat belt and urged her to bend over, her head between her knees.

  “I—I—” She couldn’t breathe. Damn it, she hated losing control to a panic attack. Focusing on the breathing techniques that Dr. Gill had taught her, she tried to calm herself down, the doctor’s words echoing in her head.

  You can’t stop a panic attack once it’s started—you can only ride it out. Don’t fight it, and it will be over all the sooner.

  Sure enough, as Maddy willed her body to relax, the suffocating waves began to splash smaller and smaller, until she could finally draw in one deep, shuddering breath, looking up at Alex as she did.

  “What the fuck was that?” His face was bone white. He captured her face in his hands, combing his fingers through the strands of her ponytail that had come loose. “What scared you?”

  Maddy shook her head irritably, dislodging his hands from her skin. She wasn’t telling him about her past, her problems, no matter how safe, how warm he could make her feel.

  His face closed off as she shrugged away his touch. Maddy was furious with herself.

  Screw this. Scrambling out of the car, she gestured to the death trap with a jerky nod.

  “So what do we do with this?” Turning away from Alex, she marched across the gravel to the small vehicle, her sneakers crunching over the rocks. Declan’s face flickered with surprise as she clambered up on the back of the thing, and then he smoothed the expression away.

  “Miss Stone.” He nodded, then looked behind her, to where Maddy could sense Alex’s all-consuming presence.

  “Maddy, get down.” Alex the Dominant was out in full force, but she simply narrowed her eyes. She wasn’t going to let herself ruin this. “You’re terrified. We’re not going quadding.”

  “Yes, we are.” Maddy had sunk her teeth into it now, and she wasn’t going to let go. Maybe some flood therapy was exactly what she needed.

  Bending, she picked up one of the two helmets that were stowed away at her feet. She placed one on her head and buckled the strap under her chin, then extended a hand holding the second helmet to Alex.

  “Please.” She was so scared, she could feel the pervasive chill in the marrow of her bones. At the same time, she needed this.

  Alex scowled, then exchanged a grim look with Declan, who shrugged noncommittally at his boss. Though they hadn’t spoken, Maddy got the impression that the two men had just had an entire conversation.

  His tightly clenched lips did nothing to distract from his gorgeousness as Alex took the helmet from Maddy, placed it on his own head, and climbed aboard the quad. “We’re going to discuss this later.”

  She ignored his ominous words, focusing on the wind blowing through the tips of his raven hair, which was sticking out of his helmet. She grabbed his waist in a death grip as he turned a key in the ignition.

  The thing rolled to life, and terror brought nausea to coat her throat. The quad began to move, slowly, no more than about two miles an hour, but she still let loose with a small scream.

  With great control, Alex stopped the quad. Turning halfway, he met her eyes, his expression serious. “I will always keep you safe, Maddy.” She could barely hear him through the thick material of the helmet. “Just remember that you can trust me.”

  “You’ll keep me safe as long as I sign the contract?” She was surprised that she had the presence of mind to joke.

  He reached back with a gloved hand and squeezed her knee. The touch spread heat, not the incendiary kind that could set her on fire, but more the steady glow of a hearth fire.

  “This has nothing to do with the contract.”

  Maddy’s mouth fell open slightly as his words sank in. It was while she was stupefied that he again started up the quad, moving forward off the gravel and onto the desert sand, the pace glacial—which she knew was for her benefit.

  Maddy squeezed his hips with her thighs, wrapped her arms around him like a boa constrictor, and chanted his words over and over in her head.

  Trust him. Trust him. Trust him.

  Th
e vehicle rocked a bit on the sand, and Maddy could feel the suspension of the ATV bouncing her in her seat. She swallowed back the fear that kept trying to rise and continued clutching Alex tightly, her muscles stiff with tension.

  Trust him.

  Minutes passed by as she chanted. Gradually, she became aware of the fact that Alex had picked up speed, probably not nearly fast enough for his liking, but enough to make her gasp. Still . . .

  They’d been riding for . . . well, it had to be a good fifteen or twenty minutes now. He was still alive. She was alive.

  Cautiously, she removed her face from where she’d buried it in the back of his leather jacket. The chilly wind stole her breath as she peered out from the safety of her little cocoon.

  Though nerves again rioted through her as she did, due to the need to try to orient herself on the ever-moving landscape, Maddy felt her breath catching for an entirely different reason.

  The vista was breathtaking.

  All around them, as far as the eye could see, was sand. Brown sand, golden sand, shimmering sand, great waves of it stretching so far that it would have been easy to believe that that was all there was in the world. Above the earth-toned rainbow was a brilliant blue sky broken only occasionally by a cream or dove gray cloud.

  The view, combined with a hit of adrenaline from the motion of the quad, was like a drug. A cautious smile broke out over her lips.

  Maddy felt some of Alex’s tension ease when she stopped clutching him like a lifeline, though she still couldn’t swallow the shrieks that escaped her lips every time they flew over a dune.

  Okay, she kind of got it. She was still on the far side of scared, but the fear was tinted with exhilaration.

  They rode for another twenty minutes. She relaxed a little bit more every step of the way. If she had been driving the quad herself, she suspected that all of her fear would have come back in a great rush. But trusting her safety to Alex . . . Somehow, since she inexplicably trusted him, it eased the burden.

  Maddy’s cheeks were flushed with windburn when Alex finally maneuvered the quad back to the gravel pad where the truck hauler waited. She was astonished by the trickle of disappointment that the ride was over.