by Jessica Hart
'Ah,' said Will.
Bella lowered her glass suspiciously. 'What's that supposed to mean?'
'It explains why you're so upset.'
'I'm not upset,' she said with something of a snap. 'I just don't like Aisling. Josh and I were fine until she came along.'
'But it's not Aisling who's the problem, is it? It's you.'
'Me?'
'You're in love with Josh.'
Bella opened her mouth to deny it vehemently. She was fully intending to tell Will that he didn't know what he was talking about, and that there was no question of being in love with Josh, who was just her dear friend and absolutely nothing else.
But somehow the words wouldn't come out. Instead she felt a peculiar sinking sensation, as if she were teetering at edge of a cliff, not daring to look down at what lay in the abyss below. Closing her mouth, she swallowed hard.
'I'm right, aren't I?' said Will, as the bell warning the audience to take their seats sounded.
Smiling ruefully, he took Bella's glass from her nerveless hand and set it on a nearby table. Then he took her arm and propelled her towards the stairs. 'Poor Bella. You look like you've been hit by a truck!'
That was exactly how Bella felt. Numbly, she let Will guide her up the stairs and into her seat. Having resisted it for so long, now the truth was staring her in the face, she couldn't avoid it and she felt suddenly, horribly afraid.
How could it have happened? She had never loved Josh before, or at least not in this new, scary way, and there was no reason for her to start falling in love with him now.
Bella didn't want to be in love with him. She wanted to go back to the way they had been before, but the certainty that she could never do that now was cold around her heart. As long as she had refused to acknowledge it, things were OK, but Will's careless words had been all that were needed to let the genie out of the bottle, and now she could never get it back.
The truth was out there now, implacable, undeniable. After all these years, she was in love with Josh.
CHAPTER THREE
Bella stared unseeingly at the dancers on the stage and remembered what Phoebe had said to her at Kate's wedding. 'You'll know when you find him,' she had said.
But she hadn't known. It had taken Will, not normally the most perceptive of men, to point out the obvious, and now her life had changed for ever.
What was she going to do? Always before when she hadn't known what to do she had talked to Josh, but he was the one person now she couldn't, mustn't, tell.
If sleeping together all those years ago would have spoilt their friendship, it was nothing to what confessing how she felt now would do. Josh was with Aisling, Bella reminded herself bleakly. She was just going to have to accept that friends was all they were, and make an effort to like Aisling for his sake.
That wasn't going to be easy, but she would try.
She might not be able to tell Josh how her life had changed so completely, but she could tell him the truth about Will. It was stupid to carry on pretending, Bella decided. She had never lied to Josh before, and it didn't feel right. If they were friends, and they had always been that, she should just admit that Will was not her ideal man after all.
But there never seemed to be an opportunity over the next couple of weeks. In spite of her determination to try harder with Aisling, Bella balked at trying to explain why she had pretended the way she had in front of her. She wasn't sure she could stand Aisling's sympathy or- worse-her understanding.
So when she got an email from Josh one day saying that Aisling was going out with some old colleagues and suggesting that the two of them meet up for a drink the following evening, Bella thought it would be her best chance to straighten things out. Some of them, anyway.
'Absolutely,' she emailed back. 'Don't seem to have had a good chat for ages and have lots to tell you. Usual time, usual place?'
'News for you too,' Josh replied immediately. 'See you tomorrow.'
Bella was ridiculously nervous next day, and so tense and snappy at work that others in the office took to edging round her. Really, it was worse than going on a first date!
She couldn't believe that she felt this twitchy about meeting Josh. She was pinning her hopes on a miraculous cure, whereby one look at him would be enough for her to realise that she had blown everything out of proportion-and, let's face it, it wouldn't be the first time she had done than-and to discover that she wasn't in love with him at all.
But part of her knew that this was just wishful thinking. She was stuck with this now.
Her hands shook as she brushed her hair and put on fresh lipstick in the ladies' loo at the end of the day.
'You look nice,' said her boss's PA, who was also titivating in front of the mirror prior to going out. 'Heavy date tonight?'
'No,' said Bella, moistening her lips. 'Just meeting a friend.'
A friend. That was all he was. She must remember that. Never mind that she couldn't even say his name without her insides twisting themselves into a knot.
She arrived at the bar ten minutes early, unheard of for her. It was a standing joke that her watch ran twenty-five minutes slower than Josh's. She got herself a drink and sat down at a table, twisting the glass nervously between her hands.
This was awful! She didn't know whether she longed for Josh to arrive or dreaded it.
When he did, bang on time as usual, he didn't even bother to look for her, but glanced at his watch, assumed she would be late and went straight to the bar.
Bella's heart jerked painfully at the sight of him and stuck, hammering frantically, in her throat. It was lucky that he hadn't seen her and come straight over, as she couldn't have spoken if she had tried. So much for her hope that she would turn out not to be in love with him after all.
Her eyes rested on him hungrily as he stood at the bar, wearing chinos and a battered old jacket. She had spent years rolling her eyes at his complete absence of any sense of style at all, and the boring way he insisted on having his hair cut. Now just looking at the back of his neck was like a hand squeezing hard inside her.
Josh might not be the sharpest of dressers but he exuded a kind of tough competence, and he wasn't a man who got ignored by bar staff. He was served far more quickly than Bella had been, and turned with a beer in his hand to look for a table.
Swallowing hard, Bella waved to attract his attention, and his searching expression changed ludicrously to one of surprise.
'Bella!' He put his beer down on the table and bent to kiss her cheek. 'You're on time! Did I slip into a parallel universe without noticing? What's come over you?'
I'm in love with you.
Her face tingled where his lips had brushed against her skin. She felt absurdly shy.
'Things were quiet at work so I left early,' she said.
'Things quiet in the PR world?' said Josh as he sat down opposite her. 'This is a parallel universe!'
He picked up his beer. 'Cheers,' he said and they chinked glasses. Taking a sip he set the glass down again and smiled at Bella. 'So,' he said. 'You're looking good.'
'So are you.'
He looked more than good. He looked wonderful. Bella couldn't take her eyes off him. She wanted to crawl over to him, sit in his lap and run her hand up his arm and along his shoulder, to kiss his throat and then work her way along his jaw to his mouth…
Appalled at the sheer grip of lust, she gulped her wine shakily. All those years she had taken Josh for granted, and now she could hardly keep her hands off him! Thank God he was sitting opposite and hadn't chosen the seat beside her. Even so, she tightened both hands around the stem of the glass where she could see them on top of the table and keep them under control.
'How are things with you?' she managed.
'Great. And you?'
'Yes, fine.'
This was ghastly. Bella felt close to tears. It had always been so easy with Josh before. They would get their drinks and spend the rest of the evening talking and laughing and teasing each other, and
now they were sitting here being polite to each other.
'Are you still going off to the Seychelles?'
Josh nodded. He was obviously picking up on the awkward atmosphere. 'In a couple of weeks,' he said.
'Lucky you. I wish I could go away in November. It's always so dark and miserable then.'
God, now they were reduced to the weather!
Josh didn't even try and pick up on that particular conversational gambit. He drank his beer instead and an uncomfortable silence fell.
Bella concentrated on making patterns with the condensation on the bottom of her glass. She was supposed to be telling him about Will but she wasn't sure how to do it without explaining how her feelings had changed, and if Josh probed too far in that direction it wouldn't take him long to realise that she had changed, and then he would want to know why and…oh, God, perhaps it would be better not to say anything?
'So,' said Josh again, sounding rather strained. 'What's new with you? You said you had a lot to tell me.'
'You go first,' she said quickly. 'You said you had news too.'
'Yes…yes, I do.'
He sounded almost as hesitant as she felt. He obviously didn't know where to begin either. A tiny chill crept into Bella's stomach.
'Is it good or bad?' she asked, trying to make light of it.
'Good,' said Josh after another tiny hesitation.
'You don't sound very sure!'
He didn't. Josh could hear it himself. 'No, it is good. Definitely good,' he said.
The best, in fact. So why didn't it feel fantastic? Josh wondered. It had seemed such a good idea when Aisling suggested it. More than that, it had made perfect sense. He should be standing on the table, shouting his luck to the world.
He just hadn't expected it to be so difficult to tell Bella, that was all.
She was looking at him curiously across the table. 'Is it something to do with work?'
'No, no, nothing like that.' Josh took another desperate drink of his beer.
Bella pursed her lips, rolled her eyes and shook back her long, blonde hair in an achingly familiar gesture of exasperation. 'Well?' she demanded, sounding like the old Bella, and not the strange new, shy, prompt Bella who had been sitting opposite him a moment ago. 'Do I have to guess, or are you going to tell me?'
'Aisling and I are getting married.'
Josh winced as he heard how he blurted out the words as if he felt guilty or something. He had meant to lead up to it more gently.
He looked at Bella, unsure of how she would react. She seemed to have frozen, and for a second or two her expression was completely blank. Then the blue eyes dropped to her wine and she stared at it for a few moments, until Josh began to wonder if she had heard him.
'Bella?' he asked, but she had already lifted her gaze and there was a bright smile on her face.
'Well…congratulations!' she said in a voice that matched her smile, and she half stood to lean across the table and kiss him on the cheek.
Her hair swung against Josh's face, and he could smell her perfume. She always wore exactly the same one. 'Allure,' she had told him when he asked once what it was, and she had grinned at him. 'Feel free to buy me a huge bottle whenever you want!' Sometimes when she had been in his flat, he could sniff the fragrance still lingering in the air. It always made him think of her.
What perfume did Aisling wear? Wasn't that the kind of thing a fiancé should know?
'When did all this happen?' she asked, sitting back down with the same bright smile that for some reason intensified Josh's feeling of unease. But she looked just the same, the same blue eyes, the same tilting lashes, the same swing of spun gold around her face as she shook her hair out of the way.
It was just the smile that was wrong, but Josh couldn't put his finger on why.
'Last week,' he said.
They had just won a big contract, and the whole company had been out celebrating that evening. When they got home, Josh had tried to tell Aisling how much he appreciated what she had done. There was no doubt that she had made a huge difference. She had finely honed marketing skills, and with her background knowledge of clients like C.B.C. she had been able to steer the company in a new direction which was paying dividends already. This had been an important contract to win, and if they could get the C.B.C. deal as well, the future would be assured.
'We couldn't have done it without you,' he had told her, still high on the relief and euphoria of the staff. They had all worked hard but Aisling's input had been key and they all knew it. 'We make a fantastic team.'
'I think you and I make a fantastic team whatever we're doing,' Aisling had said, smiling. 'Why don't we make it permanent?'
And Josh hadn't been able to think of a reason not to. Aisling was beautiful and intelligent and she shared his interests. He knew they could live together. She didn't have any annoying habits.
Bella, for instance, would drive him mad. She would never close drawers or put the tops back on bottles and she would leave her clothes strewn all over his flat. She would clutter his streamlined bathroom with cosmetics and monopolise his phone and embark on cooking over-elaborate meals, half of which would end up in the bin.
There was nothing like that with Aisling. Josh couldn't imagine ever finding anyone who fitted into his world with so little fuss.
Everyone else was settling down. What was the point of holding out for…what? Bella was wrapped up in that pillock, Will, and if it wasn't Will it would be some other chinless wonder who worked in the City.
Bella had been telling him for years that he had no sense of romance, and Josh didn't have a problem with that. Romantics-like Bella herself-had this rosy and, in his view, completely unrealistic view about relationships. They wanted everything to be perfect, and life was never like that.
Josh was trained in survival, and that was all about adapting to different situations, about keeping your options open as long as you could and compromising when you couldn't. And when you had to make a decision, you had to make it fast and stick with it.
Aisling was right, he had told himself. They did make a good team, and if he had learnt anything from his years on expedition, being part of a good team was everything. Why not commit himself and make it permanent?
'Last week?' Bella was staring at him, the blue eyes hurt. 'Why didn't you tell me?'
'I wanted to wait and tell you on your own,' said Josh awkwardly. 'I haven't told anybody else yet.'
'Why not?'
'I wanted you to be the first to know.' He looked at her anxiously. 'I know it's a bit sudden, but what do you think?'
Bella's smile wavered a little but she took a deep breath. 'I think it's fantastic news, Josh,' she said. 'I'm so happy for you.'
'Really?'
'Of course. I'm a bit stunned, I suppose but…yes, of course I'm happy for you. I can see Aisling's perfect for you.'
'She is, isn't she?' Josh was conscious of trying to force enthusiasm into his voice. That couldn't be right, surely?
'Absolutely,' said Bella, who could feel her smile growing fixed.
'You do like her, don't you?'
'Of course,' she lied.
She could feel another silence threatening. 'So when's the wedding?' she hurried on.
'We haven't decided on a date yet.'
'Are you going to go traditional, or do something different?'
'That'll be up to Aisling,' said Josh. 'I don't think she's made any plans yet.'
Bella's jaw was beginning to feel rigid with the effort of keeping her smile in place. 'Can I be your best man? It's supposed to be your best friend, isn't it?'
Josh looked at her. 'You'll always be that, Bella,' he said.
'Well, this calls for another drink.' Bella drained her glass with an edge of desperation. 'I'll have a glass of champagne this time!'
'I'll get them.' Josh leapt to his feet. 'You stay there.'
It was such a relief to stop smiling. Bella found that she was breathing very shallowly. She was shaking, too,
she realised dully. It had taken everything she had to appear pleased for Josh while inside she felt so sick and utterly desolate that she could hardly think straight.
She had known it was coming. The moment he hesitated about telling her his news, she had sensed what it would be, but even so the savage twist of pain had caught her unawares and she had almost cried out. Instead she had had to smile, and she would have to go on smiling, whatever it cost.
Josh must never know how she felt now. He mustn't even guess. It wouldn't be fair now that he had made his choice. He would be appalled and embarrassed, and even though it wouldn't change the way he felt about Aisling, it might make him feel awkward about celebrating his engagement, and Bella wasn't prepared to do that to him.
So she put her bright smile back on when Josh came back with a bottle of champagne in an ice bucket. 'This is more like it,' she said as he eased out the cork with a typical lack of any kind of flourish and poured the champagne.
'Congratulations, Josh,' she said, picking up her glass and touching it to his.
'Thanks, Bella.' Josh's face relaxed. 'It's stupid, but I was worried about telling you.'
'You shouldn't have been. You know I just want you to be happy.'
'We'll still be friends, won't we?'
'Of course we will-but who's going to marry me now when I get to forty and no one else wants me?' Bella kept smiling to show that she was joking. 'I thought I could rely on you!'
'I can't imagine that happening,' said Josh. 'As long as I've known you there's always been a long queue of men just desperate for the chance to show you how much they want you! What about Will?'
Bella studied her champagne. 'Ah, well, there's a vacant place at the front of the queue at the moment.'
Josh's face changed and he put down his glass. 'Bella?'
'Yes, I'm afraid my news isn't quite as exciting as yours,' she said. 'Will and I split up.'
'But you seemed so happy with him. You thought he was perfect!' Josh seemed at a loss. 'What happened?'