by Kat Savage
He stopped at the foot of the bed and turned to me. Everything was in slow motion and off balance, the way it feels when you’re drunk. He pulled me into him, wrapping his arms around me. He kissed me softly on the cheek and down across my jaw. He kissed my mouth. There was an urgency growing inside me. I felt his hand move up my spine and he took my bra clasp between his fingers. With one flick, it was undone. I snapped back, eyeing him. He gave me the “this isn’t my first time” sideways smile and we both let out a little laugh. I shrugged my shoulders, took in a deep breath, and closed my eyes. This was it, one of those moments I’d remember forever. My naked heart and my naked body were going to be exposed at the same time. I felt his hand cup my chin and pull it up.
“Open your eyes, Delilah,” he said.
I opened them slowly. His beautiful mouth draped open slightly. Samuel was quite possibly the most perfect man I’d ever known.
“You are beautiful,” he whispered. “Never let your head hang down.”
I said nothing. I felt tears forming in the corners of my eyes. I managed to nod as I wrapped my hand around the back of his neck. I needed his lips again. I needed him to devour me.
He finished undressing me on his knees. I felt his lips brush my thighs. I began to ache. We climbed onto the bed in that perfect Calvin Klein Jeans commercial way with my hands behind me and him over top of me. He laid me down gently with a single hand and slid it between my thighs. My sharp inhale fueled him. He slipped two fingers inside me, causing me to moan against his mouth. I felt alive in a way I hadn’t in so long I barely remembered I was allowed to. I got lost somewhere. This was an out of body experience. This was being so wrapped up inside myself, every feeling was amplified. If I had been holding onto anything, I surrendered it in this moment.
I lay here afterward, his arms around me and his deep breathing tickling my ear. I inhaled slowly, filling my lungs up until I thought I would float away. I was doing my best to calm my breathing. I exhaled slowly, deflating and sinking deeper into his arms. A woman could get used to this. I started to wonder if I wasn’t already used to this. I was comfortable here and that had nothing to do with this bed or cabin. I was comfortable with him. And I was doing my best not to let that scare me.
Chapter Twenty-Four
I woke up to an empty bed. Not the kind of empty bed where you felt alone, just the kind that made you curious. It didn’t take long to figure out where and what Samuel was doing. I could hear music in the kitchen below me. And I could hear Samuel singing along. He wasn’t a terrible Hozier impersonator. I got out of bed as quietly as I could and put on just enough clothing to cover the goods. I tiptoed down the stairs as quietly and quickly as I could. I had to see this. I ducked down as I descended the stairs and thankfully his back was to me. He was using a spatula as a microphone and had his hands on his chest to “be soulful” and I heard a deep, loud “aaaaaaamen” belt out from his perfect lips. I couldn’t hold it in anymore and started to giggle and clap.
Samuel jerked around to see me, surprised and red-faced. “Oh my god,” he said, covering his face with his hands.
“Oh, please continue. Unless you want me to buy a ticket? I snuck in the back for free.” I laughed.
“I’m probably never going to hear the end of this, huh?”
“No, I think it’s safe to say it will be a go-to story in the future.”
He shook his head in that way people do when they realize they don’t have the upper hand in the situation. “Well, I guess I’ll have to let everyone know that you snore. Like a lot.” He tilted his head at me.
“I don’t snore! And besides, even if I did, no one would believe you because I’m a girl and girls don’t snore. That’s just a fact.” I tilted my head in return.
“That’s the biggest lie ever,” he said, laughing. He walked around the edge of the counter and put his arms around me. He kissed me on the forehead and rubbed the small of my back. I may have made some kind of moan-like noise but I wasn’t even sure.
“I made you breakfast,” he said, his forehead pressed against mine.
“You did? What am I having?” I asked.
“French toast and bacon. I also cut up some fruit,” he said.
While that all sounded really delicious, I was hungry for a lot more this morning. I sat down and he placed a plate in front of me, along with a bottle of syrup, a fork, and coffee. It wasn’t black either. Before taking a seat across from me, he looked me up and down. By this point, he realized I wasn’t wearing much. I’d elected for a long scoop neck t-shirt and nothing underneath, although he didn’t exactly know that. I caught his stare and raised an eyebrow at him. He settled into his chair.
I looked across the table at him and tilted my head in disappointment, pouting my lip out.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“You just seem so far away now,” I said. Gross, what am I saying?
Samuel’s face was thinking now. He stood up and came around the table, pushing me and my plate over a bit. He grabbed his chair and sat it next to mine. He dragged his plate across the table and grabbed his fork. He smiled at his genius. “Is this better, my dear?” he asked.
We were now both on the same side of the small round kitchen table. He rubbed the top of my thigh with his left hand while he held his fork in the other. I smiled.
“I suppose this will do quite nicely. For now,” I said. I started stabbing pieces of French toast with my fork.
“For now?” he asked. “You would prefer me closer than this?”
“For now. Until you can be inside me again.” I looked at him, hungry for something other than fruit. He coughed a bit on the bite in his mouth, surprised at my boldness. What could I say? I could be a deviant. I wasn’t ashamed of that.
He looked at me, eyes wild. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
We finished the rest of our breakfast quietly while the heat slowly built up between us. I was putting my plate into the sink when I felt his hands slide around me. He started kissing my shoulder and up my neck, softly at first and then it became increasingly more intense. I felt a bite and unraveled. I turned around and leaned into him, kissing his mouth, running my hands over his back, pulling him into me. He ran his hands over my ass and lifted me up onto the edge of the counter. I wrapped my legs around him and hiked my t-shirt up to my hips. He ran his hand up my thigh and pulled his head back from kissing me.
“No panties?” He grinned.
“Sometimes they’re just unnecessary,” I whispered against his ear.
I was running my finger inside the edge of his shorts, tugging at them. He covered my mouth with his again and I ripped his shorts down. I ached for him. He pushed his hand further up my shirt and took my nipple into his mouth and all at once he was inside me. He pushed inside me over and over again. I threw my head back and moaned into the air. I clawed at his back. This was different than last night. This was more instinctual, more ferocious. This was something we had been waiting for, something we had been building up to. We fucked on the kitchen counter like two teenagers or newlyweds who couldn’t keep their hands off each other. It was a moment of pure passionate wanting.
“Delilah?” he breathed.
“Yes?” I moaned.
“I want this. I want this forever. I want you,” he groaned against my neck.
This was it. This was the moment that solidified it for me. I had let him in. All the way. I wasn’t afraid of him, had nothing to hide from him anymore. I had given him the keys to the castle. Whatever I had to offer him was within his reach now. This was the moment I knew I might not be alone forever, that I might not have to always think in terms of me. Maybe one day in the future, I’d be brave enough to think in terms of an us again. If I had learned anything, I had learned you can be you and you can be part of a we at the same time. You didn’t have to disappear. You didn’t have to fade into an expectation or an ideal. You didn’t have to lose yourself to gain love. And you shouldn’t lose yourself to feel loved. I knew that n
ow. And I knew that no matter what it was that had opened me up, I never wanted to be closed again. I was hoping the need for radical self-preservation was over. But hope was an awful thing. The act of hoping was futile. All I could do was wait. Wait and see.
Chapter Twenty-Five
We spent the rest of the morning cuddling and talking until it was time to start packing up to head back to the city. We arrived back at my place late in the afternoon and I had never been more bummed out over a weekend ending. As we pulled up to my house, I noticed Emma’s car parked in the driveway. I hurried up toward the porch while Samuel grabbed the bags. She was sitting on the couch and she looked as if she’d been crying so I immediately ran to her side and embraced her.
“What’s wrong, Emma?” I asked. In all my years knowing her, I don’t know that I’d ever seen her this upset over anything. I could tell something was really wrong as I searched her face for answers.
“David left. Like he just walked out the door and I haven’t heard from him since. That was four hours ago,” she said, sniffling.
“What do you mean? He didn’t say where he was going?” I asked, confused as to what would have led to him just walking out like that.
“Oh, god, Delilah. I think he’s upset. I think I freaked him out,” she said.
As she said it, I caught Samuel out of the corner of my eye. He walked past us and down the hallway.
“Okay, let’s just start from the beginning so I can understand,” I said.
Samuel reappeared and sat down in the chair. We both leaned in toward her, waiting for more of an explanation.
“I’m pregnant,” she said.
I’m not even sure what I felt in that moment, but I instinctively wrapped my hand around my waist. This wasn’t about me; this was about her. I couldn’t imagine what she was feeling.
“He left because you’re pregnant?” I asked, confused. David was not that sort of guy. I just couldn’t see him doing that to Emma.
“I think so. I was so excited to tell him, even though we had agreed to wait another year to try. I figured it was close enough, it wouldn’t make that much of a difference. I mean, we didn’t mean to but it happened and so I just thought we would both make the best of it. It’s something we wanted, you know? So I sat him down and told him. He looked surprised at first. He didn’t smile or laugh or ask anything. He just sat there quietly for a few minutes. I asked him if he was okay, but he didn’t even respond. He just sat there staring off into nothing and then got up and left. He just walked out without a word.” She started sobbing even harder.
I was perplexed. Bewildered. Never in my life would I have pegged David for that kind of guy. Where did he go? Was he freaked out? None of this made any sense. As I sat here sorting the details through my mind, I couldn’t help but wonder if all men just lost their minds when it came to babies and pregnancy. Some got violent, obsessed, and others just disappeared and bounced before they ever had to worry about any of it. I leaned over and pulled my friend into my chest and hugged her as tightly as I could. I didn’t know what to do or say but I had to try for her sake. I had to give her whatever comfort I could.
“It’s okay, Emma, it’s okay. I’m here. I know that doesn’t solve anything but I’m here for you. You can stay here tonight if you want,” I whispered to her.
“I just don’t understand,” she said.
I looked back at Samuel who had a look on his face that was equal parts sadness for her and anger toward David. It was probably the same look I had. How could he do this to her?!
“I’m going to make some tea and food for everyone,” Samuel said as he got up and walked toward the kitchen.
I stayed where I was, holding my friend in my arms. Her erratic breathing began to soften and steady. She pulled her face from my shirt sleeve and started wiping under her eyes. I grabbed some tissues for her and sat here patiently waiting as she pulled herself a bit more together. Her poor face was all pink and puffy. She wiped her face and blew her nose.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I know this is rough but we will figure this out. We will figure out what happened.” I tucked her hair behind her ear and gave her a reassuring smile.
“God, I must look like a complete and total mess,” she said. Emma wasn’t the type to be so unraveled in the presence of others. She kept things pretty locked up. She’d always preferred to be alone in emotional times.
“You’re the prettiest crier I’ve ever seen,” I said with a smile.
She chuckled a bit which was a relief.
Samuel came back with some tea and sandwiches. “I got you decaf,” he said, handing Emma her cup with a smile.
“Thank you,” she said, managing to return one.
“You should eat something, too,” I said. “I want a chubby little niece or nephew to spoil.” Granted, I wasn’t her sister, but that didn’t matter to us. Emma laughed a little louder now, nodding her head and grabbing a sandwich from the plate. I was glad to see her starting to pull out of her previous state.
“I was actually hoping you’d be the godmother,” Emma said, looking at me and smiling big.
Tears flooded my eyes. I felt a thickness in my throat. “You know I will,” I said, smiling at my friend. This was supposed to be a joyous time for her. Not this. Not this bit of joy surrounded by this large pile of shit. I grabbed my stomach again and ached for her. Samuel rubbed his hand over mine. As we made eye contact, he smiled.
“Well, I’d better be going. I need to get home to check on Mason and relieve my sister of her auntly duties,” Samuel said as he stood. He looked over at Emma and gave her a smile then leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.
“Okay, text me later?” I asked, hugging him around his neck.
“Of course,” he said, raking his fingers through my hair.
As we pulled away from each other, he kissed me again. I wonder if everything is going to tingle every time he kisses me or if that will fade. I hope it doesn’t fade.
He closed the door behind him as he left and I returned my full attention to my friend, who despite her crying was smiling at me.
“What?” I said, knowing very well what was coming.
“You like him,” she teased.
“Um, yes,” I said.
“I’m glad you finally gave in to what you’re feeling. I thought I had my work cut out for me. And believe me, I was very prepared to put in the work,” she said, giggling as if she’d just caught me doodling his name on the back of my Trapper Keeper.
“Shut up,” I said, blushing.
“All I’m saying is that it’s nice to see you happy. I worry about you, you know,” she said.
“I know, E. I know,” I sighed. “But don’t get all excited and get your hopes up. This is the beginning. The beginning is always nice. It’s later that worries me,” I finished.
She tilted her head at me and gave me the half-puzzled, half-disappointed look. And I knew why. She was silently telling me that not everyone is a Jeff, and not everyone will hurt me, and Samuel shouldn’t have to pay for his mistakes. And she was right. Except it’s much easier to say those things than live them. It’s easy to romanticize a life when you have never lived it. That was the problem with society. They wanted to declare so matter-of-factly what the woman should have done, what she could have done, and were satisfied in stating she must not have hated it so much if she didn’t do something about it. It was always her fault for not leaving. No one understood the strange sort of quiet bravery it took to stay and hope. She was right; no one should have to pay for the things Jeff did but sometimes there was nothing you could do about it. Sometimes it was up to everyone else to prove to you they weren’t more of the same. And there was nothing I could do about it.
The next thing I knew, I was being startled awake by the buzzing from my pocket. I rubbed my eyes, looking around to wake myself up. Emma and I had fallen asleep on the couch. I reached for my phone, fumbling a few times before bringing it up to see the screen.
Samuel: He
y you.
Samuel: You okay?
I yawned. Poor guy was probably worried when I didn’t respond.
Me: Hey. I’m fine. I just dozed off on the couch.
Samuel: Did you enjoy your nap?
Me: Yes, actually. Even if it was an accidental nap.
Samuel: Good. How’s Emma?
Me: She’s okay. She fell asleep, too. Probably needed it.
Samuel: That’s good. I just wanted to check on you as promised. I’ll let you get back to your napping and whatnot, even though it’s a little late to go back to sleep now. Lol.
I checked the clock. I had slept for two hours and it was dinner time now.
Me: Wow, I was really knocked out. Thank you for checking on us.
Samuel: Of course. Enjoy the rest of your evening, beautiful. Can I see you tomorrow?
Me: Of course :)
Samuel: Most excellent.
Me: Lol, see you tomorrow. Dork.
Samuel: <3
Just as I was receiving Samuel’s last text, I was startled by a knock at the door, causing me to drop my phone. Who on earth? The last time I got a surprise knock, it was Jeff. And I knew it wasn’t Samuel. I stood slowly and cautiously walked toward the door. I opened it just a bit to form a thin crack. Fucking David. You have got to be kidding me.
I swung the door wide open and peered at him. If looks could kill, he’d have been dead on my front porch. “Well, well, well, look who decided to show up,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest. I started tapping my foot wildly and waited for a response.
“Please, it’s not what you think. Let me explain,” David said.
“Oh, trust me, an explanation is all I want from you,” I said.
“Is she here?” he asked.
“Of course she’s here, but why should I let you see her?” I snapped.
“Please,” he begged.
I rolled my eyes and stepped back to let him inside. He looked over at Emma curled up on my couch. She was already holding her stomach. Her face was still very pink and puffy and there was dried mascara all down her cheeks. I hope he loathed himself for this.