by Adle Geras
Dinah had finished her work with the mascara and the lipstick. She brought her face very close to Hester’s and took her by the chin, looking directly into her eyes.
‘You don’t know, do you?’
‘Know what?’
‘That you’re different, Hester. You’re not like the rest of us. We’re not bad, but we’re ordinary dancers. You’ve got something even now that no one else in the company has. Not one of us.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘You’ve got star quality.’
‘I don’t know what that is.’
‘Neither do I,’ Dinah smiled. ‘But I think I can recognise it when I see it. Go on, get out there and show them.’
*
I have never felt, Hester thought, anything to compare with the mixture of terror, exhilaration, panic and bliss that I’m feeling now. The music was like a wave carrying her in. She rode this wave, and wore it and inhabited it so that, after a few notes, it became no more than an expression in sound of what she, her body, her face, were expressing as she moved. The audience disappeared and yet she never forgot them. She lost herself in the steps and yet she had them as clear in her head as though she were following a map. Her body did things that she’d tried and tried to do and failed. Suddenly, the shock of performance brought all her strengths to a place where she was able to use them. Then, when the dance was over, and the applause woke her from a kind of trance, she realised that she was back. Back in the real world, out of the magic kingdom she’d inhabited as long as the dance went on.
When she came offstage at the end of the curtain calls, the whole company gathered round to kiss her and exclaim at her performance. Estelle passed her on the way back to her own dressing room and even she felt bound, by the general excitement, to say something.
‘Well,’ she said, looking down her parrot nose. ‘You’ve had your path smoothed before you, and no mistake.’ A sour smile passed over her features. ‘You will go far.’
‘Thank you,’ Hester answered, understanding that however grudging it was, this was Estelle’s best effort at congratulation.
‘Wonderful,’ said Piers, blowing kisses at the whole dressing room as he came in. ‘Get your street clothes on, everyone, and we’ll all go out for a slap-up meal at Gino’s. Rave reviews in the press tomorrow, I’ll be bound.’ He came up to Hester and took her aside, speaking quietly.
‘You did very well, dear. You really were quite good on the whole, and I’m pleased with you. Now please wait here for a moment, Hester. Don’t go anywhere. You have a visitor.’
‘Me?’ Hester was astonished. ‘I don’t know anyone. Who can it be?’
‘A surprise. You like surprises, don’t you?’
Hester nodded. She knew it had to be Madame Olga. Oh, how she hoped she was right, and it was really her and that she’d seen the ballet and been proud of her.
She sat in front of the mirror, still in Nell’s costume, looking not a bit like herself. I’m a dancer, she thought. A real dancer. This is going to be my life forever. I must remember always how happy I am now, this second. I mustn’t forget how it feels. Dinah and the others were ready to leave. ‘Will you wait for me?’ Hester asked.
‘We’ve been spoken to,’ Dinah answered. ‘Given our orders and told to leave you alone to meet this visitor of yours.’
There was a knock at the door just as she’d begun to wipe off her greasepaint with a large ball of cottonwool.
Piers never simply came into a room. He entered, as though he were stepping on to a stage in a starring role. On this occasion he had his arm around the shoulders of someone wearing a black silk dress and a fur stole.
‘Madame Olga!’ she cried. ‘How lovely! I knew it was you! When did you come? I’m so happy to see you.’
‘I’ll leave you alone for a moment,’ Piers said. ‘I’ll be back in five minutes to take you to the restaurant. Olga will be joining us of course, for the party.’
He left the room as dramatically as he’d come into it. When they were alone, Madame Olga came up to Hester and hugged her.
‘I’m crying, Madame! I can’t help it. I’ve missed you so much.’
‘Do not cry, child. Do not cry. This is such a happy day for me. I have missed you, too. You cannot imagine how I think of you, up there in Yorkshire; how cold and dull it is without you. My house is empty.’
‘And I think of you, Madame. All the time. It’s nearly two years since I left Yorkshire, can you believe it’s been so long? I wait for your letters every day and I’m sorry if I’m not writing as much as you’d like. I know how you love details and gossip but there’s so little time. Piers makes us work so hard. Everything’s so busy always. Class and the production we’re getting ready and the next one being planned.’
‘Of course, of course. I understand. This is the work of a ballet company. I am drinking in all the letters from you, believe me. I read many times, many times.’
‘How did you know that I was dancing a solo? Did Piers tell you? How could he have done … he only told me in the interval.’
‘That was a treat for me. No, I came by myself. I tell myself, why for are you sitting in the dark in Yorkshire when you can come to London on the train? I wanted to see you so much. Now I have wonderful surprise. Wonderful! I am so proud of you. I am proud of myself for teaching you so well, and for putting you here in this company where you grow and bloom like a rose. Yes, like a rose.’
‘Will you stay in a hotel? My digs are a little—’
‘Do not worry. I am like a queen here. I stay with Piers in his house like an honoured visitor. But the greatest pleasure is to see you, child. My heart is full when I see you dance. I am so proud. Very, very proud.’
*
At the Royalty next morning, everyone crowded round to read the reviews in the newspapers. No one noticed Hester except for The Times. At the end of a generally mediocre notice came two glorious sentences: Young Hester Fielding has made a very promising beginning in the world of ballet. We wish her good fortune.
‘There you are,’ Dinah said, as she held out the paper for Hester to read it again. ‘Your name in The Times. You’re on your way. Nothing more to worry about.’
‘But,’ said Hester, ‘I may not do another solo part for ages. Don’t forget I only stepped in because Nell was ill.’
They went off to class together. Madame Olga had arranged to come in and watch and then the girls went with her to Lyons Corner House for lunch. Hester wanted to show off her favourite haunt. She accompanied Madame Olga to King’s Cross in a taxi and wondered, as the train pulled out of the station, when she would see her dear teacher again.
Hester danced Nell’s part for three performances only, and then it was back to the corps de ballet, one of many, not chosen to dance on her own. She had been at the Charleroi for nearly two years, and Piers made a point of treating her just as he treated the others, but she did know. She knew she was different and also that she was being trained to be different, and that Piers was waiting for the right moment and the right part.
*
Dinah and Nell enjoyed teasing Hester about not having a boyfriend. She was nearly seventeen now and had been with the Charleroi Company for almost two years. All the other girls were forever flirting with one or other of the young men in the corps de ballet, whom Piers called ‘the boys’. The young women were known as ‘the girls’.
‘I think you could do worse than Stefan Graves,’ said Dinah one day, as they were resting after a particularly gruelling class. Hester’s hair was plastered to her head with perspiration and she felt that she would never be able to walk again. She decided to ignore Dinah’s remark, at least until she had got her breath back. Stefan Graves was, in Hester’s opinion, not particularly good-looking. She wondered sometimes why she was so different from everyone else. Surely at her age she should have experienced something of what all the others talked about constantly? They always appeared to find this or that young man ‘thrilling’ or ‘so handsome’, but
she’d never felt the remotest attraction to any of them. Perhaps I ought to ask Dinah about it, she thought, but she said only, ‘I think his eyes are a little too close together.’
‘You’re too fussy, Hester. He’s tall, isn’t he? And quite strong. And what’s more, he’s nice and quiet, unlike Miles and Jeremy, for instance. The trouble with you is, you never give yourself the chance to find out what someone is like. You have to make an effort.’
‘I think there’s something wrong with me.’
‘What do you mean?’ Dinah stopped packing away her ballet shoes. ‘You’re very attractive. Anyone would think so. There’s not a single thing wrong with you that I can see.’
‘I don’t find it easy …’ Hester hesitated. ‘Well, what I mean is, I don’t understand about sex.’
‘You do know what happens, don’t you? I don’t have to tell you that surely?’
Hester blushed. ‘Of course I do. Only it seems so unlikely. So remote from anything I’ve ever felt. I look at all the boys here and I just … I can’t imagine. You know. Doing any of that stuff. Even kissing someone like that, on the mouth. I can’t think how it might feel.’
‘What about film stars?’ Dinah was looking a little concerned now. ‘Have you never had fantasies about them?’
‘Yes, of course, but that’s just what they are. Fantasies. That’s not real. I’ve never had fantasies about anyone I know. I’m sure it’s that I’m not like everyone else and I’ll die an old maid.’
‘Nonsense.’ Dinah stood up. ‘Let’s go and get a cup of coffee or something, I’m parched. You’ll meet someone soon, I’m sure. But you have to give yourself a chance. Get to know people. Go out with them if they ask you. Let yourself relax. I promise you, you’ll know. You’ll know at once when you meet the right person. It’s like nothing else in the world, believe me. You go melty all over and want to dissolve and kissing is bliss, utter bliss when it’s someone who makes your heart turn over.’
Hester laughed. ‘Gosh, you’re soppy, Dinah! But you might be right, I suppose. There’s one thing I do know though. That person isn’t Stefan Graves.’
When they came back to the church hall later in the morning, Hester and Dinah went to sit next to Nell. They whispered together while Piers took the boys through a routine he’d devised to help them with their jumps. Hester said, ‘The thing about Stefan is, he’s too quiet. I always feel he’s looking right through me.’
‘He’s not looking through you,’ Dinah said. ‘He’s mooning. Boys always do that when they like the look of you but don’t have the bravery to speak up about it.’
‘Well, I wish he did. He’s there whenever I go down the corridor or come out of the cloakroom. I can feel his eyes on my back. I mean, he seems to follow me with his eyes the whole time and whenever I turn a corner, he’s there. If I go and fetch something from Wardrobe, or go offstage into the wings, he’s waiting for me.’
‘Dinah’s right. He’s probably just shy,’ said Nell. ‘You shouldn’t be too hard on him without knowing what’s what. He’s mad about you, Hester. I think he doesn’t dare speak to you. You ought to be kind and say something to him. Make the first move.’
‘I couldn’t, Nell. It’s not that I don’t like him or anything, but I just don’t … well, I’m not a bit drawn to him. I would hate the idea of going out with him. And the thought of kissing him makes me – well, it doesn’t make my heart flutter.’
Dinah and Nell burst out laughing.
‘Girls!’ Piers turned from his work with the boys and frowned at them. ‘This is a ballet company, not a circus. Kindly keep quiet or leave the room.’
‘Sorry, Piers,’ said Dinah. ‘We’ll be totally silent I promise.’
‘That I doubt,’ said Piers, ‘but keep it down, please.’
‘Piers,’ Hester whispered, ‘wouldn’t like it if I went out with Stefan either. That’s another reason for not getting to know him better, as you put it.’
Piers’ attitude to what he called ‘romantic attachments’ was well-known. He wasn’t against them in principle, but in his company he was of the opinion that they distracted the dancers from the main business of their lives which was, as far as he was concerned, to dance every night and think about dancing all day long. Hester remembered what he’d said to her years ago, when she first arrived in London:
‘I can’t forbid you to fall in love,’ he’d said. ‘But I do try to discourage it. Love takes up the whole of one’s head in a way I don’t really approve of. And whatever you do, please try not to get entangled with anyone who’s – how shall I put it? – problematic. Likely to cause trouble to the rest of us. But I want to emphasise to you, as I emphasise to all my girls, that if you do get into difficulties … of any kind at all … do you understand what I’m saying, child? you can come to me for help. I will always help you.’
Hester decided to deal with Stefan herself. She had asked herself over and over again what was the best thing to do, and in the end, she decided to speak to him directly.
*
One morning after class, when Piers was taking some of the other dancers through a complicated routine, she and Stefan found themselves at the far end of the rehearsal room together. Hester knew that this was not accidental. She had come down here to rest and he had followed her.
She sat down on one of the hard chairs and looked at him. He was standing in front of her, looking awkward. For a moment, Hester wondered whether Dinah might be right – she was too fussy – but as she looked at him, she knew that Stefan was utterly wrong for her. Not only did he not make her feel ‘melty’ in the way that Dinah described, she actually felt a kind of revulsion when she thought of him touching her. She couldn’t help it. It must be the absolute opposite of sexual attraction. She would be honest and tell Stefan there was no hope. She would try to be as kind as she could, but she had to make him stop following her around. She spoke quietly. Piers hated people chattering in the background.
‘Stefan,’ she said. ‘I’m not sure what you want to say to me, but I would really much rather you didn’t, well, didn’t stare at me like you do.’
‘But I’m not …’ Stefan began, stuttering a little. ‘I only …’
He paused and Hester waited for him to continue. He said, ‘I like you, Hester. You must have seen that. I dream about you.’
‘Please, Stefan. I understand, I do honestly, but you see, I don’t dream about you. It wouldn’t be fair to you if I said anything else. Do you understand? I’m sure you could find another girl who …’ She couldn’t think what to say next.
‘I don’t want any other girl. Only you.’
‘I’m so sorry, Stefan. There’s no kind way to say this, but I’m not interested in you in that way. And I’d rather you stopped following me, if you don’t mind. Do you?’
Stefan hung his head and sighed. ‘I wasn’t doing any harm. You can’t stop me looking. Thinking.’
‘But it’s only going to hurt you, isn’t it, Stefan? Wouldn’t it be better if you turned your attention somewhere else?’
He shuffled his feet and looked at Hester. Then he looked away.
‘Right,’ he said. ‘I’ll try not to annoy you again.’
‘Thank you,’ Hester said. Then she rose from the chair and walked as quickly as she could to the other side of the room.
‘Where have you got to, Hester?’ Piers called. ‘I need you now, please. Come and line up here with the others.’
‘Coming, Piers,’ said Hester. As she bent and swayed and moved through the routine, Hester felt for the first time in her life as though actions, her words, could be powerful; could be used to achieve what she wanted. But I wish I could meet someone who made my heart beat faster. I won’t believe in it till it happens to me.
*
The first night of Sleeping Beauty came after six weeks of rehearsals. Piers had chosen Hester as the Bluebird and she had a short pas de deux at the end of the ballet. She was also Simone’s understudy for the demanding part of Princess A
urora.
‘You can’t expect it to happen twice,’ Nell said. ‘Someone dropping out and you taking over. Simone’s as tough as old boots.’
‘Doesn’t matter,’ Dinah said. ‘She’ll know the part backwards when she comes to dance it later. Which she will, no two ways about it.’
‘I’m happy enough to get the Bluebird,’ Hester said. ‘I’ve enjoyed every minute of rehearsing for this production.’
Madame Olga was already in London and had sat in on the dress rehearsal and watched class on the morning of the première. Once again, she was staying with Piers, and once again she was coming to the cast party after the performance. Hester could hear her own heart racing as she got ready for the first act. She felt a mixture of terror and excitement. She’d had to learn not only the steps for the pas de deux, but also the routines for the corps de ballet. Since the Bluebird only came on at the end of the ballet, Hester had to pull her weight (Piers’ words) in the first two acts as well. There was a lot to remember.
During the interval, Dinah and Nell helped Hester into her Bluebird costume.
‘Gosh, I’m tired,’ she told them. Nell made her hold her head to one side while she used hidden hairpins to skewer the blue feathered headdress into the mass of Hester’s hair, which had been twisted up on top of her head and gathered into a net.
‘Piers,’ said Dinah, ‘isn’t the sort of manager to waste resources. There aren’t enough of us, that’s the trouble.’ She was busy fastening a kind of apron around Hester’s waist. It was sewn with blue feathers which matched those on the headdress. She sighed. ‘Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have enough money to pay for different costumes for every single part? I can’t wait for clothes rationing to be over. It’ll be such a relief not to have to make do with a basic tutu and add all kinds of other stuff on top of it.’ She stepped back to consider the finished effect. ‘Well, you look about as much like a Bluebird as you ever will. Flap your arms a bit, go on.’
Hester obliged, giggling a little. She’d been a guest at the Princess Aurora’s christening in Act One, in a tutu with some glittery organza over the skirt; then a guest again, with a rose-sprinkled apron this time, at Aurora’s sixteenth birthday, and now she was ready for her pas de deux. Piers had a habit of celebrating someone’s first proper part in a ballet by giving the dancer a new pair of shoes. Hester’s were made of skyblue satin, and she thought she’d never in her life seen anything quite as beautiful.