by Adle Geras
‘Adam, what would happen if Virginia found out about us?’
He gazed at her and didn’t answer for a few moments and Hester’s heart thudded with dread. Finally, he spoke. ‘She’d be very hurt. In spite of the distance between us, she’s possessive. It doesn’t matter to her that she doesn’t have a good relationship with me, but she would hate someone else to be having one, I’m quite sure. Still …’ He paused. ‘It’s going to have to happen, isn’t it? If we’re going to be together. I’ll have to tell her one day. Ask for a divorce. And when I do—’
Hester stared at him, hardly daring to breathe. Was he proposing to her? Was this marriage he was speaking of? Adam laughed.
‘You should see yourself! You look as though I’ve said something really shocking. I want to marry you and be with you for the rest of my days. In fact, I can’t imagine a life without you. There. Should I go down on one knee?’
‘No. No of course not. But yes, I’d love to marry you. Oh, Adam, I’ve been so afraid.’
‘What of, my darling?’
‘Well, there’s so much. You not loving me any longer. Virginia finding out. You deciding you’re too old for me. There’s so much to worry about that I don’t know where to begin.’
‘I shan’t stop loving you, Hester. No matter what happens. Not ever. I promise.’
‘Really?’
‘Truly.’
‘I’ll have to go soon.’
‘Don’t go yet. Come here. Kiss me.’
‘Dinah and Nell will … will be … ’ she meant to say, ‘back from their parents’ or ‘back in the Attic de Luxe’ but the words were stifled by his mouth and she gave herself over to sensations that would have to last her for a whole week. I shan’t stop loving you, Hester. Not ever. No matter what happens. I promise. The words echoed in her mind. What would happen? What did he mean? She shivered. Why did everything have to be so complicated?
*
‘Hester, is that you snoring?’
‘No, Dinah,’ Hester whispered. ‘It’s Nell.’
‘Why aren’t you asleep, then?’
‘I don’t know. Why aren’t you?’
‘I’m worried about you, that’s why.’
‘Me?’
‘We can’t talk like this.’ Just enough light filtered under the door for Hester to see that she’d sat up in bed. ‘Let’s go downstairs. Everyone else is asleep. We can make a drink and take it into the Green Room.’
‘We’ll be exhausted in the morning. What’ll Piers say?’
‘I won’t tell him if you won’t. Come on, we’re not getting any sleep here anyway.’
Hester pulled on her dressing-gown and tiptoed behind Dinah downstairs to the kitchen.
‘I’ll make the tea. You bring that tray over here.’
Moscow Road was organised like a bed and breakfast establishment. Some of the dancers had their own bedrooms and others shared, but the large front room, always called the Green Room, acted as a lounge for everyone. The furniture had seen better days, and so had the carpets and curtains, but the room was comfortable in a faded sort of way. A large oval table stood in the bay of the window, and Dinah put the tray down there and poured the tea. She handed a cup to Hester, who was perched on the edge of one of the armchairs. Dinah looked searchingly at her and said, ‘You look as though you might suddenly jump up and run away. Okay, I’m not taking no for an answer. Tell me what’s going on with you and Adam.’
‘You know what’s going on. I told you. You and Edmund are the only people I have told. I couldn’t bear to hide anything from you.’
‘But it’s serious, isn’t it? It’s not just the sex.’ She ticked the points she was making off on her fingers. ‘You’re in a dream all day long. You don’t hear what people are saying to you half the time. I know you see one another every Sunday. Then there’s the matter of how you look.’
‘How I look?’ Hester was longing to discuss Adam with Dinah. How wonderful to be able simply to speak his name whenever she felt like it; tell another person how much she loved him, how she dreamed of a whole life with him, how golden the time was when they were together and how grey and dim the world looked when they were apart. Edmund wouldn’t like talking about anything like that. It didn’t seem to be the sort of thing you told a man, but Hester wondered whether Adam would confide in his friend, now that he knew she’d already told him everything.
‘You look,’ said Dinah, ‘like a rosebud that’s just opened up. Or as though there’s a light somewhere inside you that’s shining out of your eyes. Oh God, that sounds ridiculous. But you know what I mean. You had the same look during Act One of Giselle when you were supposed to be in love. Passionately in love.’
Hester nodded. ‘I am. I’m in love.’ Dinah leaned forward to hear more.
‘Is it wonderful? Is it as glorious as you expected it to be?’
‘Better. I can’t describe how being with Adam makes me feel. Please don’t tell anyone else, though, will you? Not even Nell. Do you promise?’
‘Of course I won’t tell.’ Dinah took a strand of her hair, and twisted it round her finger. ‘Oh, Hester, you poor darling! What are you going to do?’
‘Do?’
‘Well,’ Dinah closed her eyes. ‘What’s going to happen? What if Piers finds out? He’ll murder you both. He won’t care about the morals of it, but he’ll be furious if your dancing suffers.’
‘My dancing won’t suffer. I won’t let it. It’s the one thing …’ Hester paused and Dinah said, ‘What? The one thing what?’
‘That won’t suffer. Nothing’s going to stop me from dancing. I’d die if I couldn’t dance. Don’t worry about that, Dinah. Really. That’s not what’s on my mind.’
‘Nor me. Not really. I’m thinking of something else. Something that hasn’t occurred to you, obviously.’
‘If you mean his wife, I think about her all the time. I feel so guilty and bad and, well, just horrible in every way. I do, really.’
‘But not bad enough to stop you making love to her husband.’
Hester could feel her eyes brimming with tears. ‘Don’t say that. I can’t help it. I’m – I can’t help myself. If I could, I would, I promise you. If I could love Edmund, for instance, I’d be so happy, but I can’t. I’m just paralysed with love. When I’m with him, Dinah, oh, it’s impossible to describe, but I feel as though every skin cell and nerve end is tingling and vibrating and just almost exploding. I don’t know how to stop them, those feelings. When I’m away from him I feel as though I’ve been imprisoned. Except when I’m dancing. I just live for the times when we’re together. It’s awful. It’s wonderful. I don’t know what to do.’
Dinah said nothing for a few moments. Then she sighed. ‘It’s like an illness, isn’t it? I know. I do understand, but I’ve got to warn you of a couple of things. I don’t mean to be a spoilsport or anything, but I’m a bit older than you—’
‘Only eighteen months or so.’
‘Don’t interrupt. You do realise, don’t you, that there’s no future for the two of you. Has he spoken to you about the future? Has he mentioned it?’
Hester smiled. ‘Yes. Today he told me he was going to divorce his wife. He’s asked me to marry him, Dinah. Really. I couldn’t believe it at first, but he meant it. He’s going to tell Virginia everything. That’s what he said.’
‘You do know, don’t you, that they say anything sometimes? Men, I mean. They say what they think you’d like to hear. That’s what I wanted to tell you. Listen to me, Hester, and don’t get cross, okay?’
‘I won’t. Promise.’
‘He’s not going to leave his wife. He maybe thinks he is, at this very moment, but he won’t when it comes to it. Have you forgotten Orchard House? Think of what he’d lose if he left his wife for you. And you should ask him if he’s still sleeping with her.’
‘He couldn’t be. It’s impossible. You don’t know, Dinah. You don’t know how we … he would never …’
‘I’m sorry, Hester. I know
what it must seem like to you, but they do, you know. Sleep with their wives, I mean. If only to keep them from becoming suspicious, from finding out what’s going on. You must see that.’
Hester sat in the chair and felt as though her body was turning to stone. That hadn’t crossed her mind. Adam and Virginia, in a bed like that one they’d all sat on in the guest bedroom at Orchard House; Adam and Virginia together, doing things that Adam and she … oh God, it made her feel ill to think about it. How would she live with these new pictures in her head?
‘He doesn’t see all that much of her,’ she whispered at last. ‘They live almost apart.’
‘Almost,’ said Dinah, ‘but not entirely. Ask him, if you don’t believe me.’
‘Never. I’d never ask him. I’d be frightened to hear the answer. Oh, Dinah, I can’t go on like this. What’s going to happen to me?’
‘You’re going to drink that tea and come to bed. Everything will look brighter in the morning. It always does.’
‘Class and rehearsals and then a performance,’ Hester said. ‘At least I don’t have time to think too much.’
‘Tell me about Mr Lennister,’ Dinah said. ‘He’s so handsome. D’you enjoy yourself when you’re with him?’
‘Well, of course I do. I told you.’
‘No, I don’t mean that, Dinah said. ‘I mean fun. D’you have fun?’
Hester said nothing for a few moments. Dinah’s question made her think about the way she and Adam spent their time together. They only ever met in his flat. They made love. They cooked meals and ate them. They’d been for walks, long walks. Nothing else. They’d never been to the cinema, or an art gallery. Apart from Edmund, she’d never met any of his friends. It’s not his fault, she told herself. It’s not my fault. We have so little time together that we don’t want to waste it doing normal, mundane things. She knew what she wanted, more than fun, more than entertainment, more than conversation: she wanted to lie next to Adam and cling to him and smell his skin and his hair and drink him in at every pore. She wanted to be part of his flesh, as he was part of hers.
‘No,’ she answered Dinah finally. ‘I don’t suppose you would call it fun. But we’re together so seldom. It’s all a bit …’
‘Passionate?’
‘Yes, I suppose that’s it. Intense. It takes up my whole head, every minute when I’m not dancing.’
‘Let’s try and sleep, okay? Otherwise you won’t be dancing up to standard tomorrow and then Piers’ll be after you.’
Dinah led the way upstairs and Hester followed. I can lie in my bed till morning, she thought, and pretend. I can imagine his body beside mine. I can think what it would be like to wake up and find him sleeping beside me. She slipped into bed, and listened as Dinah’s breathing grew heavier and slower, and then she closed her eyes. If she concentrated, she found she could still feel the touch of his hands on her skin. The memory of him inside her and his mouth on her mouth made her whole body ache. She was weak with the delicious pain of longing for him.
*
‘Hester? Are you crying?’
‘No,’ she whispered, trying to swallow the tears that had started to slide down her cheeks in the dark. She knew that if she moved to find a tissue, or if she sniffed, Adam would realise and then—
‘You are,’ he said, tracing a finger over her face. ‘My darling girl, you’re crying. Don’t, Hester, please. Please don’t cry.’ He turned towards her and tried to gather her into his arms again, but she shook him off.
‘No, really.’ Hester was anxious to keep her voice even and normal, even though she felt like howling aloud. ‘I’m all right. I’ll be all right.’
‘But what is it? What is it, my darling? I can’t stand to see you unhappy. Tell me.’
Hester shook her head, unable to speak. How could he possibly make her happy when everything was so completely ghastly? But she had to say something, anything, or he’d go on and on and then she’d have to get up and go, and she didn’t want to waste a minute of her time with him because they weren’t going to be able to be together until well into the new year. She sniffed and took a deep breath.
‘Dinah’s leaving. She’s had a good offer from a company in Cardiff and she’ll have the chance to dance principal roles. Of course she’s got to go, because it’s wonderful for her, and I’m happy for her sake. But I’ll miss her so much and it won’t be the same, not living in the Attic de Luxe any longer. Nell’s moving downstairs to another room and so am I. It’s hard to believe that we’re not the most junior dancers in the company any longer.’
‘That’s a shame,’ Adam said. ‘I know how close you are. Poor Hester. But you’ll keep in touch, won’t you? By letter and so forth. And I’m still here and I love you. You know that, don’t you?’
She nodded in the dark. She didn’t point out to him – she didn’t dare – that it was some weeks since he’d promised to ask his wife for a divorce and now, well now, he’d done something for which she would find it hard to forgive him. For a moment, thinking about the hideousness of it, Hester wondered whether it would be sensible to keep quiet and not say anything, but she was filled suddenly with rage and she sat up in the bed and the words came pouring out of her before she could stop them.
‘If you want to know the truth, Adam, mostly I’m crying because I’m so angry. I’m angry with you.’
‘Me?’ Adam sounded genuinely shocked. ‘What do you mean?’
‘You’ve arranged for us to go out to dinner after the first night of Red Riding Hood. Me and you and Edmund, and your wife. How could you? Don’t you know that every second sitting at that table will be torture for me? How can I look her in the face? Didn’t you think for one moment how it would feel to me, to be sitting there with her? You obviously didn’t or you couldn’t have fixed up such a nightmare. And after the first night, too. How am I supposed to dance when I know that’s waiting for me afterwards?’
She flung herself back against the pillows and covered her face with one arm. Adam put out his hand and turned her towards him, so that they were lying with their faces almost touching. She could feel his breath on her skin.
‘Hester, my darling, I had to do it. I couldn’t get out of it. Virginia asked particularly to meet you when she heard you were dancing the name part in Red Riding Hood and it was she who insisted it would make a wonderful Christmas treat for us on Boxing Day, and wouldn’t it be fun to eat together afterwards and ask Edmund too. Now how could I possibly say no? Wouldn’t that have given the whole game away? “No, sorry, darling, we can’t go out afterwards because the ballerina you’re so keen on is my mistress.’”
‘Yes, I understand,’ Hester said coldly, turning away from Adam in one swift movement and flinging herself out of bed. ‘I should have thought of that. You’d have been quite powerless in that situation. I do see, of course.’
‘You are angry, Hester. Oh God, don’t be angry. Forgive me. Please, Hester, my love. How could I possibly—’
‘I know. You couldn’t. You couldn’t let darling Virginia suspect anything.’ She bit back a remark she was just on the point of making, about how he’d promised to tell his wife about them; promised to ask for a divorce. I won’t, she told herself. I won’t do that. I’ll never mention it again and let’s see if he does. And mistress. Hester supposed it was true, but how wounded she’d felt when he said it. She had foolishly imagined that she, Hester Fielding, was more than that. Special. Different. Not like all those ordinary people who were sleeping with someone else’s husband. How naïve! How stupid! Dinah would say I told you so or what did you expect?
She sat on the side of the bed, pulling on her stockings, trying not to start crying again, wanting only to be out of Adam’s house and in the street, going home to Dinah and Nell and then getting up tomorrow and concentrating on getting herself ready for the first night. On what she was meant to care about: the ballet. Everything she’d been working so hard for over the last few weeks.
‘Stop it, Adam,’ she said. He’d cro
ssed over to her side of the bed, and put his arms around her waist as she sat there, and then he began to kiss her naked back, and touch her breasts gently, and pull her towards him, murmuring into her skin words she couldn’t hear but which sounded like her name, and please, and love and all the things that made her weak when she heard them. She leaned into his body, loving how his lips were moving over the skin of her back to her neck and then her ear.
‘Come to bed again, Hester,’ he whispered. ‘You don’t have to go yet. I’ll drive you home later. I can’t bear it if you leave now. Please, darling Hester. Come here.’
She let herself be drawn into the bed again, into forgetting everything but their bodies. As he began to kiss her everywhere, everywhere, she thought fleetingly of how often they seemed to use sex in order not to have to think; not to have to confront reality or consider what their situation was, or was going to be, but then her thoughts began to unravel and soon she forgot everything; every last word that had been in her mind to speak melted away and disappeared.
*
‘I’ve got a present for you,’ Adam said later. ‘For Christmas.’
‘And I shall try and find one for you that won’t give anything away if your wife comes across it.’ Hester laughed, to show that she was no longer sulking about the first night dinner; that she was going to be a good sport and pretend like mad for the sake of – what? She wasn’t quite sure, maybe the status quo, that she was no more to Adam than someone who’d just danced the main part in one of Edmund’s ballets. ‘What’s this? May I open it now?’