by Adle Geras
Hester stopped crying at once and stood up. She took a handkerchief out of her handbag and blew her nose. Act, she said to herself. Play a part. Dignity. Act dignified. In control. Don’t let him see how much every bit of you is hurting. She gathered herself together in the way she’d grown used to doing just before making an entrance. She was ready.
‘No, Adam,’ she said, surprising herself with the steadiness of her own voice. ‘Thank you very much. I don’t want your help. Financially and so forth or otherwise. I don’t want to see you ever again. I don’t want you to write to me. I want you to disappear. That’s all. I’m going to try and forget I ever knew you. Go back to Virginia and I hope you rot away with regret. You won’t. You find it very easy, don’t you, to push things aside that don’t fit in with your life, so put me out of your mind. Forget about me. I’ll make bloody sure you never lay eyes on your child. If I decide to have it, that is. I might abort it. I might kill it because I hate you so much. You can wonder all your life what your child would have been like because I’ll never tell you. And if you dare to come anywhere near me again, I’ll go straight to Orchard House and tell Virginia everything. I mean it, too. I’ll describe every detail. Everything we’ve done together. She’ll love that. That’ll help her get over her miscarriage, won’t it? Maybe I’ll let her know anyway about our baby. How would you like that?’
Adam was white. ‘You wouldn’t, Hester …’
‘Probably not.’ Hester smiled. Oh, how calmly she was speaking! ‘Not because I want to spare you pain, but simply because it would make me as vile and uncaring as you are. But you’ll have to worry forever, won’t you, in case I change my mind. I’m going now. I’ll find a taxi on the main road.’
‘I’ll drive you home.’
‘I’m never stepping into that car again. I’ll find a taxi.’
‘Then I’ll wait with you until you find one.’
While they waited for a taxi to appear, neither of them said a word. Hester felt as though she were holding back a flood. If she moved or spoke, all the tears would come rushing out and drown her. When the taxi drew up beside them, she got into it without a word and without looking behind her. Right up to the last second, she was waiting. Part of her wanted him to say no, no come back it’s all a dreadful mistake of course I’ll leave Virginia and we’ll live together forever and look after our baby don’t go I can’t live without you I can’t I can’t don’t go.
He said nothing of the kind. She heard a kind of groan as she slammed the taxi door shut. She gave the driver her address. I can’t cry here, she thought. I must wait till I get home.
She lay on the bed at 24 Moscow Road and tried to weep but the tears had formed a rock in the middle of her chest. She could feel them, solidified into a painful weight that made breathing difficult. I must sleep, she told herself. How will I go to class tomorrow if I don’t sleep?
All night long, Hester moved between nightmares. It wasn’t clear to her whether she was asleep or awake, but she was sweating and feverish and pictures appeared in her head: Adam and Virginia dancing together round the ballroom at Orchard House; herself and Adam kissing; her baby, turning in a kind of blue mist somewhere inside her where she was hardly aware of it, a monster to remind her of Adam. A beloved child to treasure when she had no one else to love. She imagined something being torn from her womb with huge, silver tongs and she shuddered. She couldn’t do it. She longed not to be pregnant; she prayed that maybe if she danced and danced and pushed her body to the limits of which it was capable, she, too, might miscarry. Lose the baby. How wonderful that would be! If she could be rid of every part of Adam forever and ever, but paying money to have it, him, her, the baby, torn out of her – she didn’t think she had the courage to do that. She turned over in bed and buried her face in the pillow. Oh, God, she thought, let me sleep. The light was already there, behind the curtains, and her eyes felt raw and painful. How would she face this new day? Every other day? Her whole life? Hester began crying all over again.
30 December 1986
‘I can’t tell you how grateful I am to you, Ruby,’ said Hugo. He’d come to Wardrobe before the day’s rehearsal began to check what needed to be done on the costumes. ‘I’m going to try and claim compensation of some kind from somewhere, but meanwhile the dancers have to be dressed in something. I don’t know what I’d have done without you.’
He was sitting in the chair opposite Ruby, who was making a list in a small notebook.
‘I’ve made a note of what has to be done,’ she said. ‘It won’t be too bad, really. I’ll be going in to Leeds later on, with Alison. We were going this morning but it would have been a bit of a problem driving in all that snow. I’m glad a bit of a thaw’s set in now. The wings for the Angel will be the most work, I suppose, but I’ve had an idea. It may not be as eye-catching as the feathers you had before, but most of those are ruined. Any that aren’t I’ll use here and there. You’ll be surprised, I think, and I hope the surprise is a pleasant one.’
‘I’m sure it will. I also think, by the way, that it’s very noble of you to say Alison can help you with all this. She’s not a bad kid.’
Ruby put her pen down and looked at Hugo. ‘I’m not being noble. I’m happy to have her help. She seems sensible and she’s rather good with her hands, I’ve noticed. And, well, I shouldn’t say anything, I know, but I think that she feels a little unappreciated, if that’s the right word. I’m sorry. It’s none of my business, really.’
‘No, no, you’re quite right. I try, but Claudia and I don’t discuss it very often. I mean, because Alison isn’t my daughter or anything, I feel as though I mustn’t interfere too much, though it’s true that sometimes she does go a bit far. Like that awful remark she made to Alison at lunch yesterday.’
Ruby nodded. ‘I can imagine it must be awkward for you.’
‘Exactly!’ Hugo beamed. ‘That’s it exactly. It’s awkward. If I say too much, then I’m seen as butting in and taking over her father’s role and if I say nothing, I feel guilty. Sometimes, I swear, I see Alison looking at me as if to say, why don’t you do something? Have you got children of your own, Ruby? You seem to know an awful lot about young people.’
‘No, no children. I’ve got four younger brothers and sisters though. I did my fair share of looking after them when I was a girl.’
‘I do think it’s surprising, though,’ Hugo said, absently twisting a piece of fabric in his fingers, ‘that Hester never married.’
Ruby was silent for a moment. Then she said, ‘She had her fair share of suitors, and turned them all down. She was totally dedicated to the ballet, and she travelled a great deal. She was very close to Kaspar Beilin of course, but only as a friend and a partner. There was a time when they were one of the most famous couples in the world. She was a star. I don’t think many men would have enjoyed playing second fiddle to someone like Hester.’
‘I’m astonished she didn’t marry when she was very young, before she became really famous. She must have been even more lovely than she is now. She’s not exactly beautiful, is she, but just manages to be somehow extraordinarily attractive. Almost luminous. Oh, that sounds silly, but you know what I mean. I suppose I’m a bit starstruck. I just think she’s completely wonderful and I’m full of admiration for what she’s done here. It meant so much to me to win this competition.’
Ruby smiled and nodded, but said nothing. She picked up her pen again and began to write things on her list. Hugo took the hint.
‘I’m sorry, I’m blathering on in my usual fashion and I’m disturbing you. In any case, they’ll all be arriving downstairs for the rehearsal any minute. I’ll see you at supper, I expect. Bye now.’
*
Claudia was waiting for Hugo when he arrived in the rehearsal room.
‘Darling, wherever have you been? I’ve been looking for you since lunchtime.’
‘Hello, Claudia.’ He kissed her briefly and then held the door of the rehearsal room open for her and followed her in. �
��No one’s here yet. Did you see anyone on your way over? We need to get going.’
‘You sound harassed, sweetheart,’ said Claudia, coming up to him and putting her arms around him. ‘No, not harassed, really,’ he replied. ‘Just sorting out the mess over the costumes. Ruby’s going to be invaluable. It’ll be okay I daresay, but I can’t deny it’s thrown me for a bit of a loop.’
‘You poor pet!’ said Claudia and stroked his hair. Pet! When did she start calling him that? Maybe she’d always done it and he’d been so besotted that he’d never noticed. Now, it set his teeth on edge and it was all he could do not to wince. His feelings for Claudia were changing, and he wondered briefly why this was and whether it had anything to do with his worries about her capacities as a dancer. He was finding it hard to concentrate. He was waiting for Silver. Where was she anyway? They were to go over the Angel’s first entrance, the first time she danced with Claudia, and he really hoped that today when he had the two of them to contend with, she’d make a bit more effort.
Claudia was still speaking. She hadn’t stopped while he’d been thinking of Silver, but he wasn’t really listening. Now that he’d tuned in to her words again, he found she had moved on to talking about her costume.
‘I knew I was right to pack it with my own clothes. I like having my costume with me. It makes me feel safe. I will still be able to wear it, won’t I? It won’t clash with something Ruby’s cooking up for the others or anything? I completely refuse to wear something makeshift. Something that wasn’t designed for me.’
‘Don’t worry, Claudia. It’ll be fine. You’ll look wonderful, I’m quite sure.’ He wondered how they could fill the time till Silver arrived. When did that happen? When did finding subjects of conversation become difficult? There was no doubt about it. His relationship with Claudia was coming to a natural end, and he wished that she were the kind of person to whom he could simply say Claudia, it was great, but it’s over now. I used to love you, but I don’t any longer. Unfortunately, she wasn’t. She would, in Alison’s words, throw a wobbly. At any other time that wouldn’t matter, or it wouldn’t matter so much, but now he had Sarabande to consider. He wasn’t about to mess that up.
‘D’you know where Alison is?’ Claudia was asking him. She’d gone over to the chairs and was making a big production out of putting up her hair and getting her ballet shoes on.
‘Yes, she’s going to be helping Ruby with the costumes and props. They’re going into Leeds later on to get something from the shops. Ruby says she’s very sensible and good with her hands.’
‘Thank Heavens for that. I was really worried, you know, about bringing her with me. I didn’t want her doing her usual sulky number in front of the whole company.’
‘She’s only sulky with you, you know. With everyone else, she’s really quite amiable.’ A thought occurred to him. ‘Do you love your daughter, Claudia?’ he asked.
‘What an extraordinary question! Of course I love her. I should have thought that was obvious. Look how I put myself out for her! I’m really quite hurt that you feel you need to ask me a question like that.’
‘Well, I’m sorry, Claudia, only you don’t show it. I think you could be nicer to her. I’ve wanted to say something to you about it for ages …’ His voice faded away as he saw Claudia’s face turning pale and her mouth tightening. Oh, God, he thought, what on earth am I doing? I must be mad. Why did I have to speak up now? She’s furious. We’re going to have a full-scale row and Silver’ll walk in at any moment.
‘Don’t be angry, Claudia. I don’t mean that you’re unloving or anything, of course I don’t. Just that I think you could be a little softer to her when you speak to her. That’s all. Honestly. That’s the only thing I meant. Teenagers are very sensitive, aren’t they?’
Tears now stood in Claudia’s eyes. ‘I don’t know why you’re not worried about the way she speaks to me! I’m just as sensitive as she is. And what’s more I have to dance; to put myself through all kinds of stress that she knows nothing about.’
At that moment, Silver arrived and Hugo was profoundly grateful. All he needed now was a real row with Claudia. As it was, she smiled radiantly at Silver and blew a kiss in her direction while at the same time making a big deal of starting on her warm-up exercises at the barre. She wanted Silver to see how self-possessed she was, and more than anything else, Hugo knew, she wanted to impress Silver with her professionalism.
‘Hello, Silver,’ he said. ‘We’re nearly ready to start.’
‘I’m sorry I’m late. I was talking to George. He’s awfully nice but it’s hard to get away from him.’ She smiled at Hugo and he smiled back and walked across to where the ghetto-blaster was waiting to be turned on. He pressed ‘play’ and the Angel’s first theme filled the room.
‘I’m ready now,’ Silver said, stepping on to the floor and taking up her first position. Hugo nodded and said, ‘Okay, we’re going to take it from the beginning, but before we do, I just want to show you a sequence I’ve thought of that we might put in a little later in the scene. It’s going to require a bit of work. Let’s begin with a chaine en tournant … good, then bourrés over to the top right of the stage … that’s it.’
He watched her, and knew that while she was clearly trying harder, there was still much more of herself that she wasn’t giving. What was he going to have to do to change that? He certainly wasn’t going to tick her off in front of Claudia. He’d have to have a word with her afterwards. These were new steps so perhaps he ought to see how they worked out when she’d had time to absorb them and work on them a little.
*
‘I’m so sorry, I didn’t realise there was anyone in here,’ Hester said, coming into the drawing room. Silver sprang up at once from the armchair by the fire. ‘Would you rather be alone?’
‘No, no, not at all. In fact, I’ve been longing to talk to you ever since we came to Wychwood. You’re one of my heroines. Really. Now I’m blushing. I’m sorry, only it sounds so silly.’
‘I think it’s kind of you to say so, and I promise you, it never sounds silly to me.’ Just then there was a knock on the door and Joan came into the room carrying tea things on a tray.
‘Thank you, Joan,’ said Hester and then turned to Silver. ‘I usually have tea in here, but would you like some as well? There’s more than one cup on the tray. You’re a mind-reader, Joan.’
‘Always do put two on, Hester,’ Joan said, setting the tray down on a low coffee table. ‘Saves going to get another and, in my experience, folk come out of the woodwork when there’s tea on the go.’
She left the room and Hester said, ‘I’m a great admirer of your work as well, you know. I missed Swan Lake but I did read the reviews. And I saw you in that interesting modern piece, what was it called? Shades of Scarlet, that’s it. The Carradine Company is lucky to have you for Sarabande. Is it going well? Are you enjoying it?’
‘I think it’s okay. It’s always hard to tell at this stage. So far we’ve mainly done our individual bits. Hugo works us very hard. Actually … ’ she paused. ‘He added a fiendish routine to my first solo today. I’m going to have my work cut out. Don’t tell him I said so, of course.’
‘No, of course not. Only I know from what Hugo tells me that he’s only interested in the final result. He wants Sarabande to be wonderful, and I know he thinks you can be.’
‘Yes, after he’s bullied me unmercifully for hours at a time! No one else has ever treated me like that. Sometimes I feel as though I’m a schoolgirl or something, being ticked off … oh, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be doing this. Please ignore me. I’m just tired that’s all. I’d much rather talk about you. I’ve loved your dancing since I was about six. My mum bought me a video for my birthday. It was you and Kaspar Beilin doing Don Quixote and I watched it so much that it just fell apart in the end. I had to buy another copy.’
‘Thank you. It’s always lovely to hear things like that,’ Hester said. ‘And don’t worry about Hugo. It’s not personal you know. Piers C
ranley, who was the person who gave me my first chance, became a positive monster sometimes when things weren’t up to standard. I’m sure Hugo’s very friendly when you’re not in the rehearsal room, isn’t he?’
‘I’m usually too annoyed by then to have much to say to him,’ Silver said, and laughed. ‘But it’ll be okay, I think. I love the music.’
‘That’s by a friend of mine, you know. The original music, not the jazz variations that Hugo’s using. Edmund Norland. I’ve known him for years and years and he’s delighted that the piece is being revived. He’ll be here in a couple of days, and I know he can’t wait to see what’s been done with his piece.’
‘Yes, I knew you were friends. I read about it in an article in the Sunday Times. It was all about how you had to stop dancing after an accident. That must have been ghastly, a real tragedy.’
‘Not grand enough to be a tragedy. Just unlucky. It was one of those things that could have been trivial; could have healed very easily and allowed me to dance for a little while longer at least but no, it was a complex fracture and that was that.’
‘I don’t know what to say,’ Silver said. ‘How absolutely ghastly for you! I’d have been in complete despair.’
Hester sighed and then smiled to lighten the mood. ‘I was. It was one of those times in my life when I lay in bed facing the wall for what seemed like weeks and weeks and didn’t feel like talking to anyone or going out or doing anything really. If it hadn’t been for Edmund, I might have just closed my eyes and decided not to open them again. Edmund and my old ballet teacher, Madame Olga. They pulled me round in the end, and made me see that there were other things I could do. Other ways of living. But it was hard, I won’t deny it. I don’t often speak about it, you know, but you’re a very sympathetic listener. I hope you don’t mind.’
‘Oh, no,’ Silver said, jumping up and crouching down next to Hester’s armchair. She took hold of Hester’s hands and squeezed them. ‘I don’t mind at all. I’m honoured that you told me about it. My retrospective sympathy won’t help much, but I do feel for you, truly. And I think you’re very, very brave. I’m so glad I took the part in Sarabande. I hesitated at first, but I did want to meet you and see Wychwood and I feel I made a fortunate choice.’