by Adle Geras
Alison didn’t care. I know he likes me, she told herself. And he thinks I look great, so I must do. Claudia’s outfit was a catsuit (tight all over but with wide, floppy legs below the calf) in brown velvet, printed with a sort of leafy pattern in green which made her look like a rather glamorous pixie. Ilene was in a peacock-blue silky dress, and Ruby was wearing a long tartan skirt with a black silk blouse. Hester’s dress had a tight bodice and a full skirt and was made of some dark red, soft material woven with gold threads. They glittered when she moved and the fabric caught the light.
When Silver appeared, though, everyone else, even Hester, suddenly seemed drab. You could almost hear the intake of breath as she stood in the doorway for a few seconds before coming into the room. Her dress was black and as plain as could be, just a long straight shift of silky stuff that fell from her shoulders to the floor. Her arms were bare and from her ears silver and crystal earrings hung almost to her shoulders. The scarf she’d thrown around her neck was like a length cut from the sea: blue and green and purple and silver and all shimmering together so that you couldn’t tell where one colour ended and another began. It flowed down over the darkness of her dress like a bright wave and almost touched the silver shoes she was wearing. Height, Alison thought. She’s done what she told me to do. In dizzying heels, Silver towered over everyone else in the room, except for Hugo.
‘Silver, how lovely you look!’ he said, coming across the polished floor towards her. He kissed her first on one cheek and then on the other. Everyone could see it was just a friendly greeting, but Alison chanced to catch sight of her mother as it happened and she looked enraged and sulky. Ha! thought Alison. She thinks he fancies Silver. The moment this occurred to her, she wondered whether it was true and the more she thought about it, the more likely it seemed. What would happen if Hugo and her mother split up? I’m not going to worry about that now, she told herself. It’s New Year’s Eve. I’m going to have fun.
*
This has to be, thought Alison, the best meal I’ve ever had in my whole life. She looked along the table at everyone else and saw that they weren’t even enjoying it properly. Typical! She took a sip of wine, which she’d accepted just to seem grown-up, and wrinkled her nose. I’ll have orange juice when I’ve finished this glass, she told herself, and went back to her plate, which was laden with crispy roast potatoes, goose or duck or something, and vegetables which didn’t taste like the ones she was used to from school, but more sophisticated somehow. She knew she was the only person at the table tucking in, apart from Siggy the cat. He was sitting under the table near her ankles enjoying the tiny pieces of meat she had contrived to drop on the floor from time to time. Everyone else was fiddling: pushing bits of this and that round their plates and talking a lot and drinking even more and, in the end, she could tell, there’d be as much left on their plates as there was to begin with. Ballet dancers! She sighed. It was because she’d had the misfortune to have a mother who was one of them that she was so unused to nice meals in restaurants. Claudia never went out to eat if she could help it, and Alison felt she’d missed out. Dad used to take me to the Chinese restaurant, she thought, and a sudden memory of red lanterns swinging from the ceiling came to her. She must have been very little because she could also remember being frightened of a huge red and gold dragon mask on the wall. She could see it now, exactly how it was, and wished she could go back now and eat there, in that very same place with her dad. She wouldn’t be scared of it now. She’d love every minute.
Joan and Emmie took away all the plates and Siggy followed them to the kitchen. He’d be having leftovers for weeks, probably. Then the pudding was brought in, on three enormous plates, and Alison knew you weren’t supposed to call it pudding when it was as grand as this. Each plate had on it a huge, white circle made entirely of meringue with raspberries and cream spread all over it and another layer of meringue on top.
‘How very appropriate!’ said Andy, smiling at Alison. ‘Raspberry Pavlova. What else could a ballet company possibly have as a dessert?’ He helped himself to quite a large portion and actually began to eat it. ‘You don’t see it very often these days. Most people I know gave up this sort of thing years ago. More fool them, eh?’
Alison nodded. She finished her pudding – dessert – and wondered how long they’d have to sit here and just chat. It wasn’t that she was bored exactly, but she wanted to get a little nearer to Nick, and there was no chance of that when he was locked in his chair. She looked at her mother and frowned. What was she doing? She was leaning right over so that almost all of her was sort of curled round Nick and her arm was on the back of his chair. She was obviously drinking too much. It made her even sillier than she normally was.
The others didn’t seem to be paying attention. They were busy with their own conversations. George and Ruby were talking to Ilene. Alison wondered again if it was true that Nick was … no, she thought. I refuse to even think about it. She’d never told anyone and didn’t often admit it to herself, but the idea of almost anyone in bed with anybody else made her feel a bit queasy. She knew the facts of life, of course she did, but still, trying to visualise all that heaving and grunting when it was people you’d actually met was a bit off-putting and Alison tried to avoid bringing it to mind. When she thought of Nick doing it with anyone, she began to feel quite faint, but it was different in his case. She couldn’t help imagining her and Nick together, and that made her feel, well, most peculiar, but it was quite a pleasant feeling and she found that she was going back to those thoughts more often, just in order to feel that tingle, located not exactly in her stomach but sort of under it.
*
So far, Claudia thought, so not bad at all. This evening’s shindig was progressing much better than she’d expected, mainly thanks to the seating plan for dinner. A forest of flowers took up most of the centre of the table and she had been placed quite far away from Hugo, but right next to Nick. She’d spent much of the meal flirting with him. Hugo must have been able to see this, which added to the fun. There wasn’t any harm in it, and anyone who knew her would realise that she was just, well, just playing really. The wine was delicious and by the time the roast goose had been cleared away, she was feeling both randy and reckless.
‘I wish we could get away from all of them,’ she whispered. ‘Go somewhere on our own.’
‘Everyone would notice. Hugo wouldn’t think much of that, would he?’
‘He’s drinking rather more than he’s used to, I can see. And he’s busy with Hester. He’s very close to her you know. Goes and chats to her all the time. Perhaps I should be jealous. She’s very attractive.’
She ran a finger down his thigh. ‘Are you quite as unattached as you pretend to be? No nice young ladies anywhere? Or nice young men, if it comes to that?’
‘Nope.’ He smiled at her in a way that Claudia thought looked distinctly promising. ‘I’m as free as a bird.’ Then he winked. Claudia took another sip of wine to steady herself. Maybe, maybe it would be possible for them to creep away without anyone noticing?
She sat back and looked at Alison, down the other end of the table, and caught her eye. The child looked as though someone had just stabbed her in the stomach. Oh, God, thought Claudia. Will she burst into tears and disgrace herself? She ought to be grateful to me for preventing her making a total fool of herself.
‘Pour me another glass, sweetie,’ she said to Nick.
Nick sighed theatrically. ‘You’re not going to be in a fit state to dance tomorrow.’
‘Oh, yes, I will. I’ve got a very strong cons … constituency. Constitution. You know.’ She giggled and swallowed the wine. The faces of everyone sitting round the table were becoming a little blurred around the edges.
*
‘Do you mind me saying all this?’ Hugo leaned closer to Hester. ‘You must stop me if I get boring, only I’ve had rather a lot to drink. It was a dinner to remember.’
Hester smiled at him. ‘I don’t mind you talking to me one
bit. It was a good meal, but look at the table now.’
He followed her glance as it took in the ruins of the meal: plates bearing the remains of biscuits and cheese, napkins lying crumpled on the white tablecloth, wine glasses stained with a hint of scarlet, and many of the chairs pushed away from the table. The rest of the company had wandered off to have coffee in the drawing room, but Hugo and Hester were still at the table, alone in the huge dining room.
Hugo said, ‘Shall we go and have coffee with the others? I’m sure you’re longing to leave; I feel like the Ancient Mariner.’
‘No,’ Hester put her hand on his wrist and he looked down at it in amazement. ‘You’ve clearly got things on your mind and I’m happy to listen. After all, we haven’t had our get-together today, what with one thing and another.’
She moved her hand in the air. Hugo saw, in that small gesture, a shadow of the wonderful dancer she’d been. It was as though everything she’d learned over a whole lifetime of classes was in her now, and she couldn’t even move her hands without instinctively falling into a perfect port de bras … Fort de mains. God, I’m pissed, he thought. Maybe I ought to go to bed.
‘Well, apart from the fact that our costumes and props are still being made and we’ve a prima ballerina I don’t really have total confidence in, things couldn’t be better. No, I’m being nasty. Forgive me. It’s the wine talking. And I do have confidence in Claudia only …’
Hester wasn’t saying anything. She was looking into his eyes in a way he found soothing and comforting. She wouldn’t judge him. She wouldn’t think he was a cad. She’d know exactly what he meant. He sighed and took another gulp from his glass and continued. ‘But I think Silver’s working hard at that extra sequence. Not quite hard enough yet, but—’
‘I’m sure she will, in the end. I had a chat with her yesterday and I’m sure she’s going to do her best. She’s a very intelligent person. I think she’ll do everything you expect of her.’
‘And of course I don’t want to let you down, Hester. After you’ve chosen me to do this.’
‘Of course you won’t. Sarabande will be wonderful. You have to have confidence in your own vision.’
‘I have, only it’s other people. They do get in the way of the vision, sometimes. Having to deal with your changing feelings for them.’
‘Don’t think about that now. Keep the discipline. Work on the ballet and focus on that. I know you do. I know that at this very moment Sarabande is the most important thing in your life. When it’s over, that’s when you can allow yourself to see … well, to see how things stand with you and Claudia. That’s what you’re referring to, isn’t it?’
Hugo nodded. ‘I’m mad, aren’t I? But she’s so … Did you see her at dinner? Flirting with Nick? She gets so stupid when she’s had too much to drink. When I think about her, I’m quite glad to have normal things to worry about, like getting Sarabande right. Fixing up the costumes and props.’
‘Don’t worry about those for a second,’ said Hester. ‘Ruby will have the whole thing under control. And Alison’s her apprentice. Ruby says she’s very artistic.’
‘She is,’ Hugo said. ‘That’s another problem. Alison. I’d miss her, if I ever left Claudia. I come between them quite often. Take Alison’s side in fights and so on. Poor thing. Claudia’s forever getting at her.’
‘There are times when it doesn’t matter how hard you try to be good and do the right thing, you just can’t help yourself. You can’t help what you do. The feelings, well, they’re too strong. You’re powerless against them. That’s what I think. Then you just have to do the best you can.’
Hugo laughed. ‘I can’t imagine you ever behaving badly. I bet you’ve never hurt anyone in your whole life.’
‘Then you’re more naïve than I took you for. There are lots of things in my life which I shouldn’t have done. Or should have done differently.’
‘Can you tell me about them? Do you want to?’
Hester shook her head. ‘No, not tonight. Maybe another time. Now I really do think we ought to go and join the others.’
‘Ought we? I suppose we should. But it has been lovely talking to you. You are … you’re a queen. That’s what you are, Hester. Really. A queen.’
‘And you’re drunk and getting silly, Hugo. You need a good strong cup of coffee. Come on.’
*
Claudia found herself looking out of the drawing-room window. Everyone else had disappeared. It must be very late, she thought. But how beautiful the snow looks. It had thawed a little yesterday but more had fallen during the meal and filled in the footsteps everyone else had made earlier. She’d arranged with Nick to go for a walk. Were they completely mad? She’d gone upstairs straight after dinner and changed into trousers and a sweater and a pair of woolly socks. Suddenly, instead of being a lunatic idea, there was nothing in the world she wanted to do more than walk in that snow, mark it with her feet. Her coat and boots were in the hall, where she’d left them earlier in the day. Nick was sure to be there by now, on the bench where they’d arranged to meet.
She let herself out of the front door. The snow was frozen hard now; it made a loud, crunching noise under her boots as she followed what she thought was the path, though it was hard to tell. Shrubs blanketed in white loomed up on either side of her like small hills, and purple shadows gathered around the trees. Her breath turned into ribbons of mist and hung in the air.
There he was, waiting for her on the bench outside the theatre. Why on earth was his head slumped forward like that? Perhaps he’d passed out from the booze. Maybe it wasn’t such a great idea to meet outside on a night as cold as this.
‘Nick? Nick, are you all right? It’s Claudia.’
‘Claudia!’ He sat up straight at once and shook himself. ‘God, it’s cold. I was wondering what had happened to you. I’m fine, really. I’ve had too much to drink, I think. But maybe this outside idea isn’t such a good one. Let’s go in. Let’s thaw one another out. If we stay here, we’ll freeze into living snow people.’
‘Yes, let’s,’ Claudia said, and took his gloved hand. He might be a little drunk still, but at least he’d had the presence of mind to put on a coat and wind a knitted scarf round his neck. They made for the walkway that led from the theatre to the house.
‘My room,’ Nick whispered as they walked towards the dim light that was still on in the front hall of the house. ‘We’ll go to my room.’
Nick stopped suddenly in the dark passageway and turned to Claudia.
‘They’re all asleep, aren’t they? Isn’t it quiet? It’s as though we’re …’ He fell silent.
‘As though we’re what?’
‘The only people in the world. I wish we were!’
Claudia felt a leaping sensation in her stomach. She didn’t know what to answer so she didn’t say a word. Then she felt his hands on her shoulders. They stood like that for a few moments, not speaking, not moving and there was a current of feeling rising between them that Claudia felt in her belly as a kind of magnetic force. He pulled her towards him and her face was almost on a level with his and she could smell him and his hands were around her waist and drawing her closer. My mouth, she thought. I want him to cover my mouth with his and before she finished the thought she felt his tongue between her lips. She heard his voice whispering as he tore himself away from the kiss and began to murmur into her hair. His words sounded as though they were being spoken somewhere deep in her own head: Claudia, oh God Claudia, have you any idea how much I want you? Can’t think of anything except fucking you … oh Claudia, kiss me again. Don’t say anything, just come here.
Claudia closed her eyes and allowed herself to be drawn into the kiss, which seemed to her to go on and on and she was being pushed against the wall of the passageway and Nick’s hands were in the opening of her coat and on her breasts and then one hand was behind her and thrusting up under her sweater and she could feel his fingers stroking the skin of her back and he was groaning quietly or maybe that was her
making those sounds and then, just as she was falling into an ocean of sensation, Nick suddenly pulled away from her and stood trembling against the other wall of the passageway, leaving Claudia breathless and panting and with a whole yard of carpet yawning between them.
‘Claudia, let’s go upstairs.’
She kissed him again, curving her body into his. His coat was open now and she pressed up against him and put her hands behind his head and drew him to her. Her mouth opened and she let herself be lost in the kiss until she was dizzy and gasping for breath. Then they were staggering, walking together along the passageway to the hall and up the stairs. The house was in total silence and there was no one to be seen.
‘Ssh,’ Nick murmured. ‘We don’t want anyone waking up.’
Claudia nodded. What about Hugo, the tiny part of her brain that was still rational and sensible asked her. No, that was all right. He was sure to be asleep. He’d disappeared from the drawing room hours ago. And he’d had a fair amount to drink. If he found out that she’d got to bed so much later than he had, she’d think of something. A story to tell would come to her. For now, there was Nick and nothing but him. The door of his room was there, in front of them and then it was open and they were inside, and before she could draw breath she found herself pushed back on the bed and he was kissing her again. I wish, she thought, I wish he’d never stop.
*
As Hester lay in bed, she remembered another New Year and shivered. It was so long ago, she thought, but still, thinking about that time is difficult. Then, Ruby used to be her companion on walks.
Adam was being buried tomorrow. She’d been avoiding thinking about it, but now she imagined Edmund, who’d be getting ready in just a few hours to pay his last respects to his greatest friend. It was hard not to go back to the bad times, the months she tried to put out of her mind. As she closed her eyes and willed herself to sleep, she imagined that memories of those days followed her into her dreams like black shadows.