by Adle Geras
Hester turned from the window. ‘You’re right. That would have been the worst thing of all. And I probably would have sacked you just because I was so unhappy.’
Ruby got up from her chair. ‘I always find it easier to keep quiet than to speak.’ She came up to Hester and stood next to her with her head bowed. ‘I was never told who’d adopted your baby. That used to keep me awake often. I used to worry about the poor wee boy.’ She smiled. ‘Now I feel as though I’ve found him too, you know.’
Hester gathered Ruby into her arms. ‘Oh, Ruby, I know I’ll forgive you completely, but I have to get used to everything that’s happened. I just need a little time. You’ve been better than a sister to me. I realise that now. Why haven’t I ever told you that? Why have we never spoken about the things we should have spoken about?’
‘I don’t know. Things have a way of continuing in the way you start them. That’s all. It’s easy to let the days pass. I’ve never hidden anything else from you. You do know that, don’t you?’
‘Of course.’ For the first time since they’d come into the Office from the Arcadia, she reflected, Ruby sounded like herself, like the person Hester was used to – the safe, strong, efficient Ruby. She stepped out of Hester’s embrace and did up the buttons on her blouse and smoothed down her hair.
‘I’ve a great deal to see to, so I’ll be going now. It’s been …’ She smiled. ‘I don’t know what it’s been. Not like other days.’
‘Not a bit like other days.’
‘I’ll come with you.’ George put an arm around Ruby’s shoulders. ‘See to what I have to do in the lighting box before tomorrow.’
They left the room, and Hester sank into the armchair. ‘Tell me again, Edmund,’ she said. ‘Tell me everything’s going to be all right.’
‘I’d never say that, my darling,’ Edmund said, and the way he looked at her made Hester feel warm all over. ‘Everything probably won’t be all right, but whatever happens now, I’ll be here. And you have a son, Hester.’
‘I can’t take it in, Edmund. It’s too soon. Too much of a shock.’
‘But how wonderful that you seem to get on so well. Imagine the odds against that!’
‘It’s true. I did feel a sort of connection with him from the moment we met. I’m going to my room for a moment. I am completely exhausted.’
‘Of course, my darling. I’ll go and potter about somewhere else for a while. I’ll come up and see you later.’
*
Hugo didn’t know where to go to think. He wanted to be alone and didn’t feel like going for a walk in the miserable sleet that had started to fall. The theatre was out of the question. That’d be full of members of the company. He opened the door of the drawing room and was relieved to find no one there.
He went to sit on the window seat, looking out at the garden. He could see the gates standing open and thought, my whole life’s turned upside down since I drove through them a few days ago. I’m not used to being in such confusion. Claudia called him a control freak and it was true, he did like things to be organised, laid out neatly. He liked imposing an order on things, and knowing what was what in every department of his life. At the moment he had no idea what was going on in any of them. The news Hester had just broken made his head spin. Every time he tried to consider it dispassionately, he became dizzy as one implication after another occurred to him. Hester was his mother. Did that mean that he was heir to Wychwood? It was much too early to mention it, but the thought had come into his mind and he didn’t like himself for thinking it. Hester. He could allow himself to love her. His mother. However much he said the word, it didn’t sound true. You couldn’t wipe out thirty years of care and tenderness and he still felt like a son to Sheila Carradine. He couldn’t help it. He’d always love her.
He got up and went to stand in front of the fire, staring into the flames. Silver. One of the reasons he couldn’t think about Hester properly was because of Silver. I’m falling in love with her. Ever since their kiss, he’d felt as though she was imprinted on every part of him. He’d thought of nothing but her for hours. It was hard to concentrate on anything else. Even Sarabande, which had obsessed him for months, became less important in comparison. I feel like a teenager, he thought. I want her. And I must leave Claudia. He sighed. How could they go on sharing a room? Impossible. He’d have to speak to her. He couldn’t put it off any longer. Maybe she was upstairs now. He went to find her. As he strode up the stairs two at a time, he thought, I’ll ask Hester if I can move into another room, and then into his head came a vision of Silver, stretched out on the bed, naked, her skin glowing like a pearl, waiting for him. Oh, God, with everything else that was going on, how could he also be feeling such overwhelming desire?
*
Hugo was sitting on the end of the bed. Claudia had just come out of the shower. She had a towel wrapped round her head and was wearing her robe. She seemed to be in a good mood, too, which was a change from how she’d been with him recently. He decided to speak before his courage left him.
‘Can we talk, Claudia?’
‘Of course. How’s Ruby? What’s going on there?’
‘Nothing going on … she fainted. Probably been working too hard. But she’s okay now and we’re going to have the dress tomorrow.’
‘That’s good. I’m pleased she’s all right.’ Claudia sat down in the armchair and started towelling her wet hair.
‘Claudia? It’s not easy, what I’ve got to say, but I think I have to say it now. I did think I’d wait till after we got back to London, but—’
‘Say what?’ The towel had fallen out of her hand. ‘It sounds a bit ominous.’
‘I think our … our relationship isn’t what it used to be. Have you felt that? Am I right?’
For once in her life, Claudia was reflecting. He could almost see the possible answers she might make tumbling through her head. She was wondering how to react. For a moment he thought that she was going to throw one of her perfume bottles at him and shout obscenities, but then he could see her thinking better of it.
‘No, I don’t suppose you’re entirely wrong. But why now? Have you stopped loving me?’ Tears stood in her eyes. What on earth could he say? Why did women always ask such impossible questions? Ones you couldn’t answer honestly without being hurtful? He sighed and decided that this was the perfect time for a lie.
‘Of course I love you. You can’t live with a person for as long as we’ve lived together and just stop loving them. Do you love me?’
There. Attack is the best form of defence, someone or other said.
‘Of course, Hugo!’ she cried, with only the tiniest hint of lack of conviction in her voice. ‘You know I do! But I agree, things haven’t been that great. I thought you were preoccupied, but it seems you’re fed up with me.’ A sudden idea seemed to strike her. ‘Is it Silver?’
‘Silver?’ How could she have guessed that, when he’d only just admitted it to himself? One thing was certain. He wasn’t about to tell Claudia of his feelings before he’d spoken to Silver about them.
‘No. Not at all. It’s just that, well, I feel we’ve changed. Am I wrong?’
‘No, Hugo, I don’t suppose you are, but that doesn’t stop me feeling – oh, so many different things. I feel wounded, Hugo. I feel hurt.’
Hugo didn’t say what he thought, that Claudia’s pride was injured and that she liked to be the person who ended any relationship she was in.
‘I don’t mean to hurt you, Claudia. You know that. But it’s foolish continuing with something that’s, well, that’s not what it used to be.’
‘It was wonderful, Hugo, wasn’t it? Tell me it was wonderful.’
‘Of course it was. You’re an amazing woman, Claudia.’
‘You’re pretty amazing yourself. But I still, well, I don’t know what to say. It’s a lot to take in. I’ll miss you.’
‘But I hope you’ll feel we can be friends, Claudia. Can’t we? I don’t want to stop seeing Alison, apart from anything
else. And we’ll still be working together, won’t we?’
‘I’m not sure about that. I think I might be getting a bit past it.’
Say it, he told himself. Quickly, before she realises that you’re agreeing with her. He shook his head hurriedly. ‘Not at all, Claudia. I’ve been most impressed with how you’ve done with the Princess.’
‘Really? That’s fantastic. So you think there’ll be a place in the company for me?’
‘Of course there will.’
She smiled a wintry smile at him. He thought, later. I’ll deal with that later, when the first night is over. There’s enough going on without having to think about Claudia’s future. For the moment, he felt nothing but relief that the scene he was dreading hadn’t materialised. Claudia must have been more fed up with him than she admitted.
5 January 1987
Silver helped herself to another cup of tea and looked around at everyone sitting at the kitchen table. They’d all made the effort, even Claudia, because Hugo had told them the previous evening that Hester was going to say a few words about what had happened at yesterday’s dress rehearsal. There she was at the head of the long table and you had to take your hat off to her, you really did. Not a trace of yesterday’s problem, whatever it had been, was visible on her face, and okay, Silver knew enough about make-up to realise that Hester had applied it very well, but still. She seemed very upbeat, and quite different from the grim-faced person they’d all seen rushing out of the Arcadia yesterday.
Alison was looking fed-up and Claudia was looking tired. This was far too early in the morning for her. Hugo was pale but seemed cheerful enough. Silver didn’t dare meet his eyes. She’d hoped to have a word with him in private last night, after dinner, but he’d disappeared somewhere and she hadn’t been able to find him.
Hester stood up. Silver looked at her and wondered what was different about her. Something was, and for a moment, Silver couldn’t think what it could be and then she realised. Hester, who favoured polo-necked jumpers or scarves tied around her neck was wearing a blouse with the top button undone, and she was wearing a chain that from here looked very like the one Claudia had worn yesterday. When Hester began to speak, Silver forgot all about the coincidence, and listened to what she was saying.
‘Thanks so much for getting up at this very early hour, all of you,’ Hester said, smiling at everyone. ‘I do appreciate it. I know that what happened yesterday must be puzzling for you and I apologise for the disturbance. I know that you’d counted on today as a rest day, but I’m afraid that’s impossible now. Hugo will tell you about the timing of the dress rehearsal and so forth, but I’d just like to explain. Ruby was taken ill, as some of you saw. She suffers, though she wouldn’t like it generally talked about, from dreadful migraine headaches from time to time, and these appear without warning and often at times of stress. She had, well, I can only describe it as a seizure of some kind, but the doctor’s been to see her and she’s fine now and won’t hear of anyone else taking over her duties backstage. That’s typical of Ruby, but of course she had Alison to help her and between them they’ll manage very well, I’m sure. There’s the matter of the decoration of the dining room of course but … yes, Alison, what is it?’
Alison had her hand up. That’s brave of her, Silver thought. I wouldn’t dare interrupt Hester Fielding in the middle of a speech.
‘I’m doing it. The dining room I mean. Ruby’s agreed and I’m going to put it up straight after breakfast today. George said he’d help me.’
‘Thanks so much, Alison. That’s very kind of you. I’m sure it’ll look wonderful.’
Alison was blushing with pleasure. ‘I’ll leave you now and let Hugo tell you about today’s class and the rearranged schedule. Good luck for this afternoon. What I saw of Sarabande yesterday makes me long to see the rest.’ She paused. ‘Hugo, could you come to the Office when you’re finished here? I’d like a quick word with you, if I may.’
‘Of course. I’ll be there in a minute.’
Hester left the room and everyone started talking at once. Silver went round to where Alison was sitting and slid into the chair next to her.
‘What’s wrong, Alison? You look really miserable.’
‘I am. I’m pissed off. Mum hates me saying that but I don’t care. I’d like to break something.’
‘Have you had a fight with your mum?’
‘No, I’m used to my mum. It’s my dad I’m really cross with. He said in his letter he’d phone and he hasn’t.’
‘Maybe he will. If he didn’t give you a particular day or time, then he can still do it, right?’
‘I suppose so, but you’d think he’d know how much I wanted to hear from him, wouldn’t you? After not talking to him for ages and ages. You’d think he’d be hurrying, rushing, to phone me. But he isn’t. He’s obviously got better things to think about and that pisses me off.’
‘Alison!’ Claudia’s voice sliced through all the other conversations going on at the table. ‘I heard that! Honestly, everyone will think you’ve been dragged up. Behave yourself, please.’
‘Sorry.’ Under her breath she muttered to Silver, ‘I have been dragged up. She dragged me up, so she ought to know. I’m going. I’m going to see to those decorations.’
She got up and walked out of the kitchen. Hugo stood up. ‘Right, everyone,’ he said. ‘This is the timetable for today …’
Silver took in what he was saying with part of her mind, but she was thinking Hugo – How beautiful he is. She became so absorbed in the shape of his mouth that she missed most of what he said and then all at once he was gone. What about Claudia? What was she going to do? Silver took another sip of tea to calm herself down. Her blood was racing through her body and she tried to concentrate on getting herself back to normal before class.
*
‘Is that it?’ Claudia was speaking to her daughter and watching her as she fixed a branch to the top of the mirror above the mantelpiece, and Alison made up her mind not to turn round. Quite apart from the fact that she was at the top of a stepladder, it was clear that Claudia didn’t think much of her efforts and she wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction of appearing to care. Claudia went on, ‘It doesn’t look very decorative to me.’
‘Full of kind remarks as usual, Mother dear.’
‘Oh, don’t be so teenagery, for Heaven’s sake. As if we haven’t got enough on our plates. I only came to ask you not to forget about my costume. You do know it’s got to be ironed before this afternoon, don’t you? I told Ruby, only she’s been in such a state that I thought I’d better ask you to check up on her.’
‘Ruby’s fine. She had a migraine, but she’s better now.’
Alison was only half-listening to her mother. She wanted to finish this bit before it was time to go over to the theatre. Everything had to be ready today because they weren’t going to be allowed in here tomorrow. The caterers would be doing their thing, George said.
‘I’m not altogether sure about this look, you know,’ Claudia said.
‘What’s the matter with it?’
‘Well, it looks … it looks a bit strange, that’s all. Perhaps there’s time for someone to drive into Keighley and get some last-minute flowers or something. What do you think?’
Alison thought that if she’d been on ground level and had the scissors in her hands she would have stabbed her mother with them. She opened her mouth and closed it again. I’m not going to cry. I’m not going to give her the satisfaction. ‘What you know about decorations,’ she amazed herself by sounding almost normal, although she felt like that person in the fairytale who had toads and snakes coming out of her mouth, ‘could be put in a walnut shell and there’d be room left over for the walnut. You’re ignorant.’
‘How dare you? How dare you call me ignorant? You’re nothing but a terminally untalented brat.’
Alison wanted to say and you’re a has-been. Everyone knows that, even Hugo, but they’re too kind to tell you. But she kept her mouth shut
and went on putting up the branches. Instead she said, ‘Do you love him? Hugo?’
‘Hugo? Well, I wasn’t going to tell you but since you’ve brought it up. He’s leaving me, Alison. He’s had enough. Can’t say I’m surprised, really and to tell you the truth, I think I’m ready to move on myself, but …’
Alison looked at her mother. ‘Are you going to be okay for the dress rehearsal? You’re not upset?’
‘Oh, yes,’ said Claudia, getting up. ‘I’ll be more than all right, believe me. I’m going to show the whole lot of them what I’m capable of. They think, Hugo thinks, I’m past my best and he’s besotted with Silver with her legs and that technique, but I’ll give him something to watch this afternoon. Something that’ll make him think twice about me as a dancer, even if he’s given up on me as a woman. Oh, God, I’m not going to cry, am I?’
‘No, of course you’re not,’ said Alison. She was used to cheering Claudia up when she felt neglected or ill-used by the critics and now she went through the routine once again. ‘You’re still Claudia Drake. You’re a huge star. Your face is in all the magazines. You’re miles more famous than Silver. You know you are.’
‘How long for, though? I’m well over thirty. I can’t go on for ever. That’s the trouble with ballet. What’s to become of me when no one wants me as a dancer any longer?’
‘I expect you could be a model or something, couldn’t you?’
Claudia smiled. ‘They like their models even younger than their dancers, but it’s true that some photographers have been after me to do what they call “celebrity shoots”. They’ve said I have the bones for it. It’s certainly worth thinking about. Thank you, darling! You’ve made me feel a little better.’
She walked to the door and looked back at Alison, who had started to climb up the stepladder again.
‘Maybe I was wrong about those,’ she said casually. ‘They are quite effective, actually. On second thoughts.’
When she’d gone, Alison went on working on the decorations. She’d be finished before lunch. Everyone was having sandwiches in the Arcadia bar to save time, and she didn’t want to miss that. How typical of Mum to change her mind, she reflected. She can’t even stick to an opinion for more than two seconds. But this room is going to look fantastic and it was all my idea. She continued to cut and tie, cut and tie, until the carrier bag she’d placed carefully on the mantelpiece was quite empty.