by Adle Geras
6 January 1987
Alison sat on one of the hard chairs in the dining room and watched George giving instructions to the catering staff, who’d arrived that morning. They’d come so early that breakfast wasn’t even properly over, and now there was already a table set up all along one side of the room, with white tablecloths laid over it.
George was hurrying towards her. ‘Hello, Alison! You don’t look very happy, I must say. Whatever’s wrong?’
Alison tried to smile. She wasn’t going to moan about her dad. He wasn’t going to phone, and that was that and she ought to get over it. She should’ve been used to being let down by now.
‘I’m okay. I’m just at a bit of a loose end. The decorations are up and Ruby doesn’t need me till this afternoon and I’m not sure what to do. I might go for a walk. The sun looks quite warm from in here.’
‘Don’t you believe it. You’ll need to wrap up if you don’t want to freeze your proverbials off.’ He looked around him and was about to go back to the caterers when he turned back to speak to Alison. ‘I won’t have time probably to say this later, but what you’ve done with these ribbons and shoes is inspired. In all my days with the Wychwood Festival, we’ve never had decorations like these. Never. You’re obviously going to be an extraordinary set designer. Extraordinary.’
He went off before she had time to answer, which was probably a good thing, because she’d never have been able to tell him how thrilled she was at his words. Now she began to wonder how she was going to fill the afternoon.
‘Alison?’ Hester was standing in the doorway, and beckoning to her. Alison stood up at once. What on earth could she possibly want?
‘There’s someone on the telephone for you. Take it in the Office.’
Alison stared stupidly at Hester for a few seconds before coming to her senses. ‘Is it my dad? Did he say?’
‘Patrick Drake, yes. Go on, off you go. I’ll follow you later. You’ll want to speak to him on your own.’
‘Thank you!’ said Alison, and flew along the corridor and into the Office. The telephone handset was lying on the desk and she seized it as though it were about to disappear if she didn’t hurry.
‘Dad? It’s me. Alison. Is that you?’
‘Yes, my darling, how are you? Did you get my present? I sent it to your London address. Did it come in time for Christmas?’
‘No, I thought you’d forgotten all about me.’
‘As if I would! I phoned you on Christmas Eve, remember?’
‘I know. It’s okay.’ She hadn’t enjoyed that phone call one little bit. It was supposed to be to her, but most of the time, Dad and Claudia were moaning at one another down the line. She’d only had a few minutes right at the end of the conversation.
‘I’d have phoned you there before now, too, only things have been frantic. No excuse, I know, but still. Did you get my letter? I sent that to Wychwood.’
‘Yes. Yes I did. Thanks.’ She didn’t tell him about Claudia giving it to her so late.
She sank down on to the chair by the desk and started to talk. Hearing her dad’s voice was amazing, wonderful, the best thing she could think of to happen.
‘Are you here? In England? Am I going to see you?’
‘I’m still in America. But you’d love it here, Alison. You have to come over. Can you do that? Can you come here for your next holiday? I didn’t get it together before Christmas, but can we make a date for Easter?’
‘Oh, yes!’ Alison’s head was filled with a vision of herself stepping off a plane in America. Her father hugging her. ‘I’ll ask Mum. I’m sure it’ll be okay.’ She wanted to ask all sorts of questions, the main one being, how long for? How long could she stay with him?
‘A couple of weeks? Would Claudia object to losing you for so long? It’s ages since we saw you. I miss you, my darling.’
‘I miss you, too,’ said Alison, and she didn’t add that it would be easy to keep in touch, if he really wanted to. ‘And I’m sure Claudia won’t mind if I’m with you.’
She didn’t say, she’ll be glad to see the back of me, but she knew that Claudia would be thrilled to bits. The irritation her mother always felt towards Patrick would be gone in a minute when she realised that he was going to take Alison off her hands for the whole, the entire Easter holidays. She settled down in Hester’s chair and listened to her dad telling her what he’d been doing over Christmas, and apologising yet again for not having phoned before.
When she put the handset down, she felt a little sad. She couldn’t help it. The phone call was over now, and there was nothing more to look forward to for the moment. Tears came to her eyes and she blinked them away. Easter. Think of that. He’s going to send me a ticket for the Easter holiday. The time’ll go quickly. It’s not true that he doesn’t love me. He does. He loves me a lot. It’s not his fault he’s not here.
Alison looked up as someone knocked at the door.
‘Come in,’ she called.
‘It’s me.’ Hester was carrying a long cardboard box under one arm. ‘Have you finished your phone call?’
‘Yes, it was brilliant. Thanks so much for letting me use your phone.’
‘You’re more than welcome. And I’m glad you’re still here. I saw the decorations yesterday and wanted to tell you then how thrilled I was, but I thought I’d wait till we had a chance to talk. I love what you’ve done, Alison. It’s completely beautiful.’
‘Thank you. I loved doing it. Really. I was dreading coming here, but it’s been brilliant.’ Alison smiled and looked at her feet. ‘I’d better go now, I suppose.’
‘I’ve brought you something, a thank you present.’ Hester put the box she’d been carrying on the desk and opened the lid. ‘I hope you don’t think it’s too babyish, but it’s of great sentimental value to me. It’s a doll. My doll, from when I was a little girl. Her name’s Antoinette. She’s rather old and tatty, but I did have her cleaned about five years ago, and she’s lived in this box since then, so she ought to be quite presentable.’
‘Oh!’ Alison took the doll out of the tissue paper sheets in which she was wrapped. ‘She is so beautiful! What a lovely lacy skirt. I don’t know what to say. No one’s ever given me anything like this before. I love her!’
‘I thought you might. That’s why I decided to give her to you. She’s been lying in the dark for much too long. I took her with me everywhere for years and years. It’ll make me happy to know that you’re taking care of her.’
‘I will. I’ll look after her, I promise.’
‘And there’s something else I want to say to you, Alison. You’re welcome at Wychwood whenever you like. I’m always here, and I’d be delighted to see you at any time. I’m sure Ruby would be too. I mean it.’
‘Thanks so much! I’d love to come and visit you. May I write to you? Will you answer?’
‘Of course. I’m a good letter-writer. It’ll be good to hear your news. I must go and get ready for the first night. Are you looking forward to it?’
Alison nodded. ‘I’ve never looked forward to a ballet before, but Sarabande’s different. I’m one of the backstage staff.’
‘An important member of the backstage staff. See you later then.’
‘Yes. And thank you.’ On an impulse, she put her arms around Hester and hugged her. ‘Thank you for everything.’
*
‘Are you going to be able to cope, Ruby?’ Hester put down her teacup and looked across the kitchen table at Ruby. ‘You’re not too tired?’
‘No, I shall manage very well. In fact, it’s strange. I feel so much better about everything. You cannot imagine how badly I’ve felt all these years. I’m sure that’s what gave me the headaches. Perhaps they’ll ease off now. D’you think you can forgive me, Hester?’
‘I’m sure I shall. I might have done the same thing, if I’d been in your shoes. And you’ve been such a good friend, and so loyal to me for so many years. That’s what I’m trying to concentrate on. I’m going to focus on that and no
t on the mistakes. And if I could have chosen the sort of child I wanted, I don’t think I’d have been able to come up with someone as, as wonderful as Hugo. It’s not just me, is it, Ruby? He is a good person. And he’s gifted.’
‘His adoptive mother brought him up very well.’
‘Better than I could have done, I daresay.’ Hester was fiddling with the teaspoon, turning it over and over in her hand. ‘I think Madame Olga might have been right, you know.’
‘About what? She was wrong about quite a few things, but no one ever seemed willing to cross her, did they?’
‘I don’t know if I’d have been a good mother. I don’t think I’d have had the patience to deal with baby things. I probably would have let nurses and nannies do all that. I’m also sure I’d never have given up dancing a single role for my baby. What sort of mother would that have made me?’
‘People become the kind of mothers they are, that’s all. You would have done the best you could, like everyone else.’
‘But what I mean is, I think I’ll be a good mother for a grown-up person. And Hugo and I got on long before we even knew …’
Ruby didn’t respond and Hester wondered what she was thinking. I’ve known her all these years and yet I’ve never asked her.
‘Ruby, do you mind if I ask you something? I never have before because I didn’t want to pry, but I want to know. Why haven’t you and George ever had any children?’
For a moment, Hester thought she might have made a mistake. She oughtn’t to have asked after all. Ruby was offended. She was going to say something sharp and silence all questions for ever. She might even go into a sulk.
‘We weren’t able to. That’s all.’
‘Oh, Ruby, I’m sorry. Really sorry.’
‘We haven’t let it spoil our lives,’ Ruby said calmly. ‘We’ve been very happy, just the two of us.’
Hester nodded in agreement and wondered how truthful Ruby was being. I’ll never know that, she reflected. I’m not going to ask any more questions.
*
‘Silver?’ Silver almost let go of the armful of clothes she was carrying and turned to see Hugo following her down the covered passage towards the Arcadia. ‘Can I help you carry some of that? What is it, anyway?’
He’d caught up with her now and she handed over the plastic dry-cleaner’s bag she’d been holding. She said, ‘It’s only my stuff for the party. My dress and shoes. I wanted to get changed into it straight after the performance.’
Hugo pushed against one of the foyer doors with his shoulder and held it open for Silver. ‘Can you spare a moment? I’d like … that is, I want to say …’
‘D’you want to come to the dressing room?’
‘No, I want to go somewhere where we’re not going to be interrupted. There are things … how about this?’
‘This’ was the props room. A table, which still held the covered-up model of the Sarabande set, stood in the middle of the floor. On shelves from floor to ceiling all sorts of things were lined up – goblets made of papier-mâché, swords, lamps, jewel-boxes studded with glass gems. Two chairs were drawn up to the table and with one hand Hugo pulled one out for Silver to sit on.
‘Just a step removed from an interrogation room, isn’t it?’ he said. ‘It’s the lack of windows. Horrible. Still, no one will disturb us here. I have to say something to you, Silver.’
She couldn’t speak. Her heart was beating so hard that she wondered for a moment whether Hugo could hear it too. He smiled at her.
‘There’s no need to look so worried. I just wanted to say this. I’ve spoken to Claudia and we’ve decided – well, I told her and she agreed – that we’re no longer … that we’ve split up, I mean. That’s all I wanted to say. Claudia and I have split up.’
Silver concentrated hard on not reacting. She felt like leaping out of the chair and shouting for joy, but she controlled herself. Maybe Hugo simply meant to keep her informed. Perhaps his breaking up with Claudia wouldn’t affect them.
‘I’m sorry. I don’t know what you want me to say. Are you all right?’
Hugo reached out and stroked Silver’s wrist with the tips of his fingers. ‘I’ve never been more all right in my life. But what about you? Do you still think I’m a monster?’
‘Yes, I think you’re disgustingly bossy as a choreographer and completely dictatorial when it comes to your dancers.’
‘Anything else apart from that?’
‘I’d have thought it was perfectly obvious. I don’t just kiss any old person who happens to come along, you know. What kind of a girl do you think I am?’
‘A magical girl. A wonderful girl.’ He stood up and reached out to pull her towards him. ‘I wanted to make sure, that’s all. That I wasn’t imagining it. That what seemed to be happening between us wasn’t part of some pre-ballet excitement, or something. I mean, we’ve hardly talked, only about Sarabande. There’s a whole lot of stuff I’m uncertain about. I’m older than you. You scarcely know me, outside the rehearsal room.’
‘I do know you,’ she said. ‘You talk a lot of nonsense. I know you care about Sarabande and so do I and I have to go and get ready for the first night. But I don’t want you wondering about me. About how I feel, I mean.’ She wrapped her arms around him. ‘Kiss me,’ she murmured. He bent down to obey her, his mouth open and his hands stroking her back, her neck, her hair.
‘Silver …’ he breathed when she moved away from him. ‘Oh, my Silver girl …’
‘I’d better go, Hugo. I’m dancing for you tonight. Just for you.’
She picked up her bag of clothes and stepped into the corridor, wondering how long Hugo was going to sit in the props room. She needed time alone to stop the trembling that had suddenly affected all her limbs. On the way to the auditorium, she glanced out of the window and saw a quarter moon rising over the moors, looking like a slice of lemon floating in the dark sky. Only five o’clock and it was nearly night time.
*
Bloody bloody Hugo, Claudia thought. She peered at the necklace that she’d had to substitute for the gold chain which he’d taken away from her. He didn’t want her to wear it, he said, and that was that. No explanation forthcoming, or at least none until she’d insisted on a reason. It then turned out that George didn’t like the way it caught the light. She sighed and considered the strand of jade pieces that she happened to have packed in her suitcase because the colour brought out the green of her eyes. It’ll do, she told herself, but she couldn’t help thinking that the removal of the gold chain was a kind of omen.
She felt uncharacteristically nervous and when Alison had come in to wish her luck, she’d been rather chilly to her. Never mind, she would make sure to be extra nice after the first night was over. She turned to look at Silver, who was applying her make-up and being very silent about it. She wondered whether Hugo had had a chance to tell Silver about breaking up with her. She wasn’t going to mention it. Hugo denied it had anything to do with Silver, and Claudia didn’t know whether to believe him or not. She said, ‘Oh, well. Let’s hope that all Hugo’s work on your scene with Nick pays off. I hear you’ve managed to do what he wanted. He’s so unreasonable sometimes.’
‘I think I have. We’ll have to see if I can do it again tonight.’
Silver was making a great thing about outlining her lips in such a way that talk was impossible. Oh sod it, thought Claudia. If you don’t want to talk, I’m not going to put myself out. She turned to Ilene. ‘Shall we go down and lie about on the set, Ilene? I need to think myself into Princess mode.’
‘I’ll be ready in a sec,’ Ilene answered. Claudia stood up to wait for her, thinking that Princess mode was the furthest thing in the world from the way she was feeling at this very moment. Nick hadn’t come to wish her luck. No future in that relationship, Claudia knew, and she was somewhat depressed by how little she seemed to be caring about it. Let him go back to his boys and girls and welcome. He’d do for the run here at Wychwood, but she wasn’t going to waste time on him w
hen they went back to London. Dump before you’re dumped yourself. That had always been her rule in the past and she wished she’d had a chance to put it into use where Hugo was concerned.
*
‘I can’t believe it yet,’ Hester said. She and Edmund were sitting in the Arcadia stalls. The house lights were still up, and around them, the audience was chatting and laughing in the slightly hushed voices of people who knew they would very soon be watching a ballet that no one had ever seen before. There was no doubt in Hester’s mind that it was this desire to be first, to be there when something was born, that filled her theatre every year. The people who came to the Arcadia knew that excellence was guaranteed. She had a reputation as someone who wouldn’t accept anything less than perfection.
‘What can’t you believe?’ Edmund turned to face her.
‘All this,’ Hester indicated the theatre, ‘going on as usual, the same as it does every year, and me, the way I feel, so very different. I’m …’
Edmund said nothing, but Hester could see he was waiting for her to gather her words into some kind of sense. That was going to be harder than he knew, because she couldn’t have expressed everything that was going through her mind even if her life depended on it. There was Hugo, at the back of the theatre. He’d told her, days ago, that he could never sit down to watch the first night and Hester understood that. He’d be anxious about every single thing that could go wrong. He’d be worrying about all the tiny details that others couldn’t even imagine. And on top of that, he’d had to contend with finding out that she was his mother. He seemed calm enough about it, but it was bound to have shaken him, as it had her. The fact, the mere fact of his life, was taking time to sink in.