by M. L. Ryan
While Cortez refilled everyone’s drinks, I leaned over to Alex and whispered, “What was that, some Courso toast?”
“Noooo,” he drawled, staring at me incredulously. “It’s Spanish. How can you live 60 miles from Mexico and not recognize it?”
“Hey, I’m a little nervous here. And besides, languages aren’t my strong suit,” I remarked petulantly. “How many do you speak?” I didn’t say it, but my expression clearly conveyed the requisite, albeit childish, “Mr. Smarty Pants.”
“They aren’t really my strong suit either. I’m fluent in only seven human languages.”
I frowned at him. “Really, only seven?”
“Yes. Sebastian is fluent in 20.”
I was going to ask which ones, but Karttyx was toasting again and we all had to drink. I declined the next couple of rounds, but when Karttyx finished the bottle of mezcal, she was more than happy to consume the worm at the bottom.
And there we all were, stuffed into my miniscule abode, with me wondering what the hell was going on and why none of them seemed the least bit tipsy. After a few uncomfortable moments of silence, Karttyx cleared her throat and proceeded to introduce the rest of her posse.
The three gentlemen not sitting with Karttyx were other muckety-mucks in the Xyzok hierarchy and looked like any typical human mid-level bureaucrat — competent yet bland. Don’t get me wrong, they were pleasant, but compared to their flashy superior, they sort of paled in comparison. All had, for me anyway, unpronounceable names and incomprehensible titles. The big guy on her left was, indeed, her bodyguard as was the woman on her right. She wasn’t as physically imposing as the man, but now that I had a chance to look carefully, she definitely wasn’t anyone to trifle with. Their names weren’t provided.
Karttyx then stood and a large, rolled parchment appeared in her hands. Everyone else stood up, so I did too. When we all were upright, she announced, “We are here to recognize your service to the Xyzok. Your willingness to harbor Sebastian Kess’s spiritual essence until it could be reunited with his corporeal self saved his life. And your heroic actions at the castle also saved the life of Alexander Sunderland and resulted in the capture of a dangerous criminal. Therefore, we bestow upon you, Hailey Parrish, the highest award that can be given to a human, the Xyzok Award of Valor.”
She handed me the scroll, grasped my shoulders and kissed my cheek. The rest of the group started to applaud, except for the bodyguards, who just glared at me. When Karttyx stepped away, the three Xyzok diplomats moved closer and each shook my hand. The last guy, who looked a little like a shorter, and less crazy version of Gary Busey, paused afterward and handed me an envelope.
“Please accept this small token of our gratitude. It is the reward offered for information leading to the capture of Otto Kashanian, and we want you to have it.”
I looked from Gary to Alex, hoping it would become obvious if I was expected to open it now or wait until later. When neither gave any indication one way or the other, I just said, “Thank you. Thank you all so much,” and stuffed it into the pocket of my jeans. It never occurred to me that helping Sebastian and dispatching one of the bad guys — or in Angelica’s case, bad girl — would warrant an award. Maybe I should shove a chopstick through someone’s eye more often, I thought flippantly.
“No, Hailey. It is we who thank you,” Karttyx answered. “You are a credit to your species.” As she began to make her way toward the door, she announced, “We will bid you goodnight. The hour is late and we have overstayed our welcome I am afraid. My colleagues and I have arranged for hotel accommodations.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. Those Courso must have supernatural bladder control along with their other preternatural abilities because despite the excessive alcohol consumption, no one had needed to use the less-than-tidy lavatory. Just when I was certain I was in the clear, Karttyx paused and turned back to face me.
“Before we depart tomorrow, I would very much like to sample some of the regional cuisine. Perhaps you could recommend an establishment and accompany us?”
Relieved that she hadn’t said something about it being a long drive so she better make a pit stop before they left, I said cheerfully, “Of course. I would be more than happy to. Is there anything in particular you had in mind?”
Her face lit up. “As a matter of fact, yes I do.”
~5~
The next day at noon, I escorted the whole entourage to my absolute favorite roadside stand for Sonoran hot dogs. Apparently, Karttyx had heard somewhere that this Southern Arizona treat — a bacon-wrapped frankfurter, grilled to perfection and then topped with chopped tomatoes and onions, tomatillo salsa, pinto beans, cojito cheese and a squirt of mayonnaise — was not to be missed. I think it originated in the state of Sonora, Mexico rather than in our surrounding Sonoran Desert, but wherever it was first concocted it was ambrosia in a bun.
It was amusing when we pulled into the dirt lot next to the place in the swanky limos, and even more so to see the still formally-attired Xyzok sitting under a canopy at plastic tablecloth covered picnic tables trying to look dignified while scarfing down the tasty dogs. To no one’s surprise, Sebastian eschewed consuming anything prepared in such a potentially unsanitary place. I believe he referred to the food as “toxic effluvium.” Nevertheless, the stand’s proprietor was thrilled with our patronage; everyone else ate two dogs, except for Aiden and Cortez, who had four apiece, and Karttyx took an additional dozen to-go. I guess whatever means they used to get back to the other dimension had the same crappy food service as our commercial airlines.
After lunch, we made idle chitchat while lingering over our frosty, bring-your-own Negra Modela and Bohemia beers. We brought a big cooler filled with a case of each of the Mexican lagers. I thought it was a lot more beer than necessary, but all 48 bottles were consumed, and I only had one, which I was still currently nursing. Even the bodyguards each had a couple. It occurred to me that, while I had seen Alex and Sebastian drink fairly large quantities of booze from time to time, they never seemed the least bit affected by it. And neither did any of these folks.
“I hope you won’t take this the wrong way,” I began hesitantly as I looked at the Xyzok sitting around the table, “but you all can hold your liquor better than any human. Is that an acquired talent or are all Coursodon blessed with that ability?”
Karttyx laughed heartily. “It’s a bit of both, actually. The Courso version of the enzyme that metabolizes alcohol is much more potent than the human form. But the Xyzok also condition themselves to tolerate even larger quantities without deleterious effects so that they cannot be taken advantage of while performing their duties.”
“Wow,” I joked, “if the Courso decided to bottle your alcohol dehydrogenase and sold it to humans to prevent drunkenness, they’d be billionaires.”
For some reason, my off-handed comment gave everyone a good chuckle. Before I had a chance to ask why it was so amusing, Aiden attracted Karttyx’s attention and silently pointed to his watch.
Setting her nearly empty beer bottle on the table and rising from her seat, Karttyx declared, “I see Aiden indicates it is time for us to go.”
The three Xyzok officials wished me well and made their way to the first limo. Aiden gave me a mock bow and said with a grin, “Take care, heroic human. Hope to see you again soon.” Cortez, always a man of few words, simply muttered, “later” to me and gave Alex and Sebastian the fisted, cross-chest salute. Aiden did the same and then he and Cortez climbed into the second limo.
Karttyx was already settled in the third vehicle, with her guards standing dutifully on either side of the open rear door. She motioned us over, thanked me again for my hospitality and good deeds, and then nodded at Alex before they saluted each other. To Sebastian, she said, “A word, Commander,” and he slid in next to her and shut the door. After a few minutes, Sebastian emerged, the bodyguards took his place next to Karttyx, and we watched the convoy pull out into traffic and drive off.
Alex turned to Seb
astian. “So what was that all about?”
“The usual rumblings from the Glyzimutitch Zolmere,” Sebastian said with a shrug.
“What’s a Glymich Zolmere?” I asked, trying with limited success to duplicate the way in which he had pronounced the words. I knew I probably didn’t get it exactly right. There were certain inflections and sounds in the Courso language that no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t seem to perfect.
“Glyzimutitch; Glyzimutitch Zolmere,” Alex answered patiently, deliberately drawing out the words so it would be easier for me to hear the correct elocution. “It is the ruling body of our government.”
Sebastian huffed in obvious disapproval. “It is a group of ancient, pompous aristocrats that oversee our laws.”
Alex shook his head. “Well, yes. They are a bit… stuffy.”
“Stuffy?” Sebastian growled. “That tiresome assemblage was stuffy three centuries ago. I would be ecstatic if the priggish oafs were now merely stuffy. But I don’t want to waste energy talking about those cretins.” He looked at me thoughtfully. “So, what was your reward?”
I had completely forgotten about the envelope I received. When our company finally left, it was close to one a.m. and I was too tired to do much of anything but dump the dirty glasses in the sink and plunk myself into bed. I ended up sleeping until almost 10, and by the time I cleaned up the mess deferred from the night before and took care of a few other household chores — like giving the bathroom its well-deserved scrubbing — it was time to get dressed and meet for lunch.
As luck would have it, or maybe just my laziness, I had on the same jeans as yesterday. I dug into my front pocket, pulled out the envelope and tore off one end. Inside was something that resembled a U.S. Savings Bond, except everything was written in the paradoxically angular yet swirly Coursodon alphabet and there was an elaborate seal on one side instead of an illustration of someone famous. The seal, ironically, depicted a stylized golden seal-like animal with wings in the center of an elaborate, royal blue triangle. The edges of the triangle were further decorated with intricate designs in various metallic colors. It was really quite beautiful.
“What kind of an animal is that,” I inquired, while holding the paper out so Alex could get a better look.
“It doesn’t actually exist, it’s a mythical creature called a Qajinyb. It is said to be a noble beast that is equally at home on land and sea.” Alex paused for a moment, and then added, “The seal itself is the coat-of-arms of the royal family.”
“You have kings and queens?”
“Oh yes,” Sebastian piped in. “They have very little power these days; they are really just figureheads.”
Geez, I had so much to learn about the Coursodon. I was about to ask more about Courso government when Alex interrupted my political ruminations.
“Incidentally, this so-called ‘small token’ isn’t as inconsequential as we were lead to believe yesterday.”
My curiosity was instantly peaked. “Really? How much is it?”
“You have been awarded fifty Abydnabitha.”
Sebastian grabbed the paper and studied it carefully. “Fifty? That must be because she saved both of us from an untimely demise. I have no doubt the Xyzok would never have come up with that much had it been only me.” He raised one eyebrow and gave Alex a wry smirk. In response, Alex glowered at him, snagged the reward and handed it back to me.
“So, this fifty Abby-whatever,” I began while slugging down another mouthful of beer, “what’s that in some monetary unit I can understand?”
I’m not generally overly concerned about money, but since I was currently unemployed, any additional income would extend the time I could reasonably spend trying to figure out what the hell I was going to do with my life. Alex had offered me a job doing computer research while he was out hunting down other-dimensionals who screw with humans. But I wasn’t sold on either being cooped up in an office, or working for my boyfriend.
Alex pondered its value and declared, “Given the current Abydnabitha US dollar exchange rate, I’d say this is worth somewhere around $25,000.”
It’s a good thing I had just swallowed the Bohemia, because otherwise I might have spit it all over Alex. “25,000 bucks, for real?” I sputtered. “That’s their idea of a small token?”
“Its value here is significantly more than in Courso,” Sebastian explained. “You see, my dear, unlike your Federal Reserve Notes that are no longer backed by any tangible assets, our legal tender is secured, and with something that is highly prized in the human world. Therefore, our money is worth much more than yours.”
“Could you translate that into something I can understand? I majored in physiology, not econ.”
“You used to have a monetary system based on the price of gold and the prices of domestic currencies were fixed in terms of a specified amount of that precious commodity. Now your money is intrinsically without value, it is just used as a means of exchange. The value of money in virtually every human economy is set by both the supply and demand for money as well as for goods and services.”
That didn’t clear things up, but then again, economics has always seemed to be based on a lot of mumbo-jumbo without much logic involved. Sebastian must have read my blank expression, because he continued with the lecture.
“Let’s just say the Coursodon economy is quite robust, particularly now because it is based on something real, not upon government regulation.”
The only thing that I thought I got out of his disquisition was the part about the gold. “So if you don’t use gold, what do you use, diamonds?”
“No. Rare earth minerals.”
“You mean like Yttrium, Neodymium and Lutetium?” I never had a mind for economics, but I did take a whole lot of chemistry classes. Rare earth minerals were used to manufacture all sorts of high-tech contrivances from super-strong magnets to lasers to laptops. And they really weren’t scarce at all, they just didn’t generally exist in concentrations that allow for easy mining. And that meant the demand far exceeded the supply. Plus, China controlled over 90% of the world’s supply but had only 40% of the deposits. Because they regulate production, that drove up the price. “So, you have a lot of rare earths?”
This time Alex chimed in. “It’s not that we have such huge deposits, but it is definitely easier for us to extract it using magic. But the bottom line is that it means our currency is worth a whole hell of a lot more here than back in Courso.”
“How much of a hell of a lot? Like a butt-load or a shit-load more?”
“Let’s just say the average, middle-class Courso would be quite wealthy here,” Sebastian added.
“So why don’t more take up residence on this side?” I wondered aloud. “Or retire here. You know, like people that move to Costa Rica in their old age because they get more bang for their buck.”
“Many reasons,” Alex said as we dumped out the ice from the cooler and threw all the empty beer bottles into the recycling container near the grill. “Probably the biggest is that life is much more complicated here; in Courso, you can use magic for most things. Here, not only is our magic less potent, but you always have to be careful that no one knows you’re using it.”
We got in the car but before I started it, I inspected the seemingly ordinary document once again. “I suppose I can’t just take this to the drive-up window of my bank and deposit it, can I?”
Alex shook his head and snickered. “I’m afraid not, but if you give it to me, I can have it cashed for Abydnabitha and then we can have it converted to dollars. Then you can take it through the drive-through.”
That seemed like a reasonable plan. Although having $25,000 in cash around until it could be safely ensconced in the bank could be pretty nerve racking. I handed it over to Alex and as I drove out of the lot, wondered if I could get the money in thousand-dollar bills, or if there actually were bills in that denomination. Twenty-five grand was sure going to buy me a lot of extra time to explore new career opportunities.
&
nbsp; ~6~
By the time we made it home, I was already in high spirits having calculated — with compounding interest — just how beneficial my unexpected windfall could be. My disposition was further buoyed when Sebastian announced that his work here was done and he planned to take off in the morning. While part of me, a large part, actually, wanted to raise a fist in triumph and belt out “Yes!” in response, I squelched any outward display of elation. Instead, I simply questioned his itinerary
“So where are you off to, Xyzok business or just need some down time from brutalizing me?”
“Oh, a bit of both I think. While it has been lovely spending all this quality time with you my dear, I believe Alexander would prefer to handle things on his own from now on.” He wagged his eyebrows in a suggestive manner as a sardonic grin blossomed across his face. “And everything I did was for your own good. Much as it pains me to admit, despite your frequent remonstrations you displayed a good deal of pluck in all this. I am quite proud of your progress.”
“Damn you, Sebastian,” I said with a laugh, “you know I hate it when you compliment me. It makes it so difficult to loathe you.”
Sebastian walked over and gave me a kiss on the forehead. “I know you don’t hate me. One cannot spend time coexisting with another’s soul and not know their true feelings. Besides, all women find me irresistible.”
I rolled my eyes. “You have some ego issues that need looking into.”
“My dear, it’s not ego if it is true.”
I decided to let it go. I should know better than to try and discuss Sebastian with Sebastian. And in a way, he was right — even when he was completely pissing me off, there was something appealing about Sebastian that made it practically impossible to despise him. And God knows I’d tried.
True to his word, come morning, Sebastian departed. A driver came by to pick him up and take him wherever he was going and Alex and I waved goodbye from the front door. I suppose at some point I would probably miss him being around, but all I was thinking about as I watched the car drive off was how Alex and I were finally alone again. It was bad enough that Alex and I delayed making love while Sebastian’s essence was trapped in me because there was no way to do so without Sebastian experiencing my every sensation. Then, to add insult to injury, once Sebastian was back in his own body, Alex and I had only a few days of licentious debauchery before he moved in with us during my “training.”