by Jordan Ford
I have a role to play, a position in this family, and I can’t turn my back on it.
I barely slept last night. I was haunted by dreams of Cairo and guitars. My happy floating wishes, which no doubt made me smile in my sleep, were suddenly crumpled into balls that were thrown into a black abyss. In its place baseballs started coming at me—hard, fast, and impossible to dodge. They smacked into my face and body until I was covered in purple bruises that blended together, turning me into a mass of pain.
That’s when I woke up—panting in the early morning darkness.
Every time I closed my eyes, the baseballs would start flying again. It didn’t take me long to give up on the whole sleeping thing. So I just lay there, going over my life since arriving in Armitage.
Needless to say, as I stand in the girls’ locker room getting ready for this afternoon’s game, I feel like I’ve been run over by a freight train. I have no idea how I’m supposed to play ball.
But I have to.
Because that’s my role.
I’m the big hitter, the game winner, right?
That’s what I do.
“So shut up and do it, then,” I mutter to myself, tucking in my baseball shirt and securing the belt on my pants.
Maddie is suiting up as well, but I doubt she’ll play today. It’s been less than forty-eight hours since the attack and she still looks a mess. Her fingers are trembling as she tugs her shirt so the Pitbulls logo is sitting straight.
“You don’t have to do this, you know,” I tell her.
She glances at me and then back down to her cleats.
“Max is right. It’ll hurt too much to wear the catcher’s mask.”
Maddie looks to Chloe before turning back at me. “I’m suiting up and supporting my team. That’s all.”
I give her a worried frown.
“Look, if I feel like I can’t handle it, I’ll leave, okay? I promise.”
“All right.” I close my locker, glancing at Chloe before taking a seat to put on my long socks and cleats.
We don’t say anything else as we finish getting ready. It’s so weird. Usually you can’t shut us up, but everything has changed since coming here and I don’t know how to fix it.
All three of us seem to be pulling apart.
It’s not all my fault, I guess, but my sneaking off has added to the distance.
But how do I admit to all my lies now? Especially with everything else that’s been going on?
Besides, I won’t be doing the guitar stuff anymore. Life is back to normal, so there’s no point dredging up the past when it’s no longer a problem and will only hurt my sisters’ feelings.
“Come on, let’s go.” Maddie slaps me on the shoulder before heading out.
I trail after her and Chloe, adjusting my cap and murmuring to myself, “Head in the game, Maximus. Head in the game.”
My little pep talk works, because I play like I used to in Columbus.
We’re cleaning up this afternoon.
It helps that we’re playing a weaker team, of course, but Coach puts me in the starting lineup so I can bat and I manage to get to third base with ease. Zane brings me home and we’re out of the gate with two runs on the board after Kingston smashes a decent hit to right field that gets dropped.
Zane grins and gives me a high five as we run back to the dugout.
I punch out a laugh, hoping it’ll spur me on. It doesn’t make joy buzz through my chest the way playing the guitar does, but it feels kind of good to be doing the right thing. I want to win this game for Maddie and try to make up for not being there for her.
By the fifth inning we have a solid, unbeatable lead.
This game will be wrapped up in no time. Because of this, Coach is playing Chloe more than usual and she’s throwing them down the line with precision, tricking the batters into giving up easy pop flies and ground outs. We did a sweet play just minutes ago, speedily taking out two players between bases.
It was pretty triumphant.
The inning comes to an end and Coach sets us up to bat. I run out and score a quick homer. As I’m touching third base, I glance into the cheering Pitbulls’ dugout and notice that Maddie’s not there. She’s usually lined up along the fence, shouting with the rest of them.
I finish my run around, barely acknowledging Kingston’s high five as he brushes past me.
“Don’t leave me hanging, sister.” He laughs.
“Oh.” I slap his hand and force a grin, ignoring Coach’s praise as I step into the dugout. “Where’s Mads?” I look at Chloe.
“She said she had to go to the bathroom.”
“Did she look okay?”
“Yeah. I think so.”
I purse my lips, not liking it. “I’m just gonna go check on her. Tell Coach I’ll be back in a sec.”
Chloe bobs her head, standing to deliver my message as I sprint off to the locker rooms. Coach will be pissed that I’m leaving but we’re so far ahead, surely he’ll let this one slide.
My cleats are loud on the concrete as I hit the hallway and run down to the locker rooms.
“Mads?” I call, scanning the room as I enter it. “You in here?”
I frown when I don’t hear anything, then head to the toilet and shower stalls at the back.
“Maddie?”
I push each door open and find everything empty.
Weird.
Turning on my heel, I head back out, wondering if I should check the parking lot. Maybe she’s gone to lie down in the car or something.
Racing out of the locker rooms, I jerk to a stop when I spot her in the corridor.
“Maddie?”
She jolts and turns to face me. “Oh, hey.”
“Are you…?” I glance over my shoulder, confused. “Were you just in the bathroom?”
“Yep.” She nods.
I point over my shoulder. “How did I miss you? I was just in there.”
“Oh, I was…really busting, and the guys’ bathrooms are closer.”
“You went in the guys’?” I make a face.
“I know. It’s gross. But I was seriously about to pee my pants. Since everyone’s up there playing I figured it was safe enough.”
Looking down at her feet, she shoves her hands inside her sports jacket pockets and clenches her jaw.
She’s lying to me.
Wow. That’s gotta be a first.
It kind of hurts in this weird way.
“Is…is everything okay?”
“Yeah.” She bobs her head.
I want to call her out, but what right do I have? I’ve been keeping secrets from her for weeks.
“Um, you’re not, like, in trouble or anything, are you?”
She glances up with a snicker, shaking her head and still refusing to look at me. This feels kind of déjà-vu-ish. Didn’t she ask me the same thing the night I snuck home after lying to her at the homecoming dance?
Licking her bottom lip, she looks me in the eye and murmurs, “No. I’m not in trouble, but I’m also not ready to tell you what I’m hiding. You understand that feeling, right?”
I blanch at her slightly sharp tone and give her a weak smile.
“Yeah,” I croak. “I understand.”
“Thank you,” she whispers. She tips her head towards the exit. “Come on, we better get back out there.”
I nod, unable to speak past the lump in my throat.
It kind of sucks being on the other side of a lie.
But I deserve it.
It makes me realize that things really are changing in this family.
We’ve always said we were besties, and we always will be, but that doesn’t mean we’ll live in each other’s pockets forever. Soon Maddie and I will be at completely different colleges. She’ll have her life, and I’ll have mine.
The thought is a heavy rock in the pit of my stomach.
I’ve been avoiding this.
My life has always been so mapped out for me, it’s been easy to go with the flow.
But in less than four months, we’re going to graduate and I’ll be off on my own, trying to play a role I don’t even want.
I sense Maddie’s gaze on me and quickly look at her. We both put on brave smiles, but to be honest it’s kind of awkward. It’s like we both know this is the beginning of the end.
We’re not the girls we were in Columbus, and neither of us knows how to handle that.
20
Watch and Wait
CAIRO
Max hasn’t looked at, let alone spoken to, me all week.
She’s become Maximus the baseball girl again, and I’ve never missed a person more.
I know, I’m acting like a jilted lover and she wasn’t even my girlfriend.
But I miss her.
I miss those lessons.
I miss seeing that look on her face when she played or nailed something I’d just taught her.
I miss spending time with her.
It became so much more than just the music for me, and I’m annoyed with myself for fighting my attraction. Maybe if I’d acted quickly like I normally do, I would have won her heart, and guitar wouldn’t be keeping us apart.
Parking Mom’s car, I look to the field. A crowd is already mulling around, getting ready for the baseball game.
I don’t even like baseball, yet here I am again.
But this time I’m on my own. I don’t even know what my friends are doing, but when I suggested we skip practice on Saturday, the guys didn’t mind so much. After a small hissy fit from Latifa, it was agreed that we’d meet tomorrow instead.
Slipping out of the car, I slide my phone into my jacket pocket before locking up and trekking across the parking lot. It feels weird flying solo. I’m used to having my band around me.
I hope no girls take it as a sign that they can sit next to me.
Wincing, I hang back, finding a seat at the top of the bleachers where I hopefully won’t be spotted.
I’m just here to see Max, not because I want to study her facial expressions and try to figure her out. I just want to be able to watch her for more than the two seconds it takes for her to turn and walk away from me.
Resting my elbows on my knees, I settle in as the game begins. The other team is really good. Their batters are fast around the bases, and their pitcher is a real threat.
Not that I know much about this game, but I can tell by the amount of strikes being called that the Pitbulls have a hard game on their hands.
Max jogs onto the field, flicking her ponytail over her shoulder before getting into position. She looks like she’s trying hard to concentrate, but I can’t help noticing the turn in her mouth. Her entire body is taut and ready for action.
Holden's on the mound. He pitches to the batter and smack, it connects. The ball is hit down the line towards left field, near third base. Max dives for the ball, gathers it up and fires it to first.
But she’s not quite fast enough and the umpire calls, “Safe!”
Her face bunches with irritation and she wipes her arms across her forehead before tugging her cap back down.
I study her body, admiring her long limbs and how lean and athletic she is. Who knew a baseball uniform could look hot on anybody? But she makes it look good. Max could make anything look good.
Rubbing my hands together, I keep my eyes on her. I couldn’t peel my gaze away even if I wanted to.
Yeah, I have it bad.
And it’s time to stop moping around and actually do something about it.
By the time the sixth inning finishes, I’ve made up my mind that I’m seeing her after the game. She might not be ready to talk to me yet, but I want her to know that I’m not ready to drop this and turn my back on her.
I won’t even mention a guitar. It’s not just about that anymore.
I want her to know that whole hanging out/date deal is for me too.
My body tenses as Max walks out, swinging the bat back and forth in her usual warm-up routine. The Pitbulls are trailing by two, and the team is no doubt hoping that Max will pull out a little magic and score another homer.
She sets up on home plate and I hold my breath as the pitcher winds up.
The ball flies straight past her swing.
“Strike one!” the umpire shouts.
Max droops her head before rolling her shoulders and setting up again.
“Strike two!”
I cringe for her, running my hand through my hair and feeling her mounting frustration.
Banging her bat on the ground, she lifts it back over her shoulder and sets up for her third swing.
This one connects, sending the ball to centerfield, although it’s a weak hit and she doesn’t make it to the base before it’s thrown to first.
Whipping off her helmet, she tucks it under her arm and jogs back to the dugout, giving the next batter a half-hearted slap on the hand before finding her seat. I can’t fully see her from my position, but wish I could.
Standing up, I shuffle along the row, apologizing for getting in people’s way, before trotting down the stairs and finding the perfect spot to wait for her after the game.
I’ll miss the last inning but I don’t care. I want to be prepared for when she walks out and starts heading to the locker rooms.
She’ll no doubt be annoyed after the loss and I want to be there to cheer her up.
Leaning against a tree, I cross my foot over my ankle and wait it out.
It feels like an eternity, but then all of a sudden, I spot the team trudging in an unhappy trail.
One of the Barlow sisters is walking near the front. I can tell it’s Maddie because her face is still a blue and purple mess.
Another blonde ponytail appears a few guys back.
I squint, unsure which sister she is…until I sense someone staring at me.
Glancing down the end of the line, I spot the last Barlow sister and know it’s Max.
An instant smile spreads across my face and I raise my hand in a wave.
She goes still, the last two team members brushing past her before she’s standing alone.
I push off the tree with my shoulder and start walking towards her, then slow my pace when she takes a step back.
I’m too far away to start talking, but I’m worried if I step any closer that she’s going to bolt.
Planting my boots in the grass, I hold my position and stare at her.
I guess it’s up to her to make the next move now.
It’s killing me to wait it out and see what she’s going to do.
I’m guessing in about twenty seconds I’m either going to be a very happy guy…or feel like the world’s biggest loser.
21
Making A Move
MAX
Cairo’s here.
I had to swallow my heart back down when I first spotted him against that tree. It lurched up my throat, cutting off my air supply…making my brain short-circuit.
I’ve gone out of my way to avoid him all week.
It’s sucked to the maximum degree, but I had to make a point.
He didn’t even try talking to me on Friday, and I figured it must have worked.
But here he is.
And he’s obviously waiting for me.
I’m not sure what to do.
After a shitty game like that, I could think of nothing better than disappearing with him. We could listen to music, hang out with no bullshit.
It’s what I want.
Glancing towards the locker rooms, I watch the last of my team disappear into the building and wonder what to do.
I should follow my sisters.
Yeah, I can go down there and rehash the game, talk through all the mistakes I made and then try to put on a good show while Maddie doesn’t tell me what’s going on in her life and Chloe quietly stands by pretending that she’s still not sore over what went down with Holden.
Or I could take ten paces onto the grass.
Ten paces and I’d be standing in front of the guy who makes my heart thrum with lon
ging.
Even if he doesn’t like me the way I like him, it’d still be a better way to spend my day than hanging out in Awkward Town.
But I shouldn’t.
Rubbing my forehead, I remind myself to do the right thing. I have to go to that locker room and be the Barlow I’m supposed to be.
I can’t just leave Cairo hanging, though.
He’s standing there waiting for me.
Maybe if I take five paces onto the grass, I can thank him for coming and then call out that I’m not free today.
With a reluctant sigh, I step towards him.
His face lights with an instant smile and he ambles forward to meet me.
Shit, if he gets too close I’ll lose all my willpower.
I should hold up my hand to stop him.
But I don’t, because all of a sudden he’s right there.
“Hey.” His voice is so soft and husky.
A warm shiver runs down my arms and I have to keep my eyes on the grass or I’ll fold completely.
“What are you doing here?”
“I just wanted to see you play.” He reaches forward, tucking a wisp of hair behind my ear.
Aw, don’t do that! It’ll be impossible to turn my back on you soon.
I grimace and hug my mitt to my chest.
Cairo lowers his hand, looking kind of bummed that I’m not giving him a dreamy smile. “I’m…sorry that you didn’t have a good game.”
“Yeah, well, they were the better team.” I shrug.
“It looked like you didn’t want to play today.”
“Don’t.” I raise my finger, a signal for him to stop. “Don’t stand there acting like you know what’s best for me.”
He winces and shakes his head. “That’s not why I came. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“Then why? Why did you come?”
“Because…” He throws his arms wide, lost for an explanation.
I sigh. “I can’t hear that I should be pursuing music right now. I’ve told you my reasons why. You have to respect that.”
Man, it’s hard to get those words out. I hate saying this to him. Clenching my jaw, I look left towards the locker rooms. My sisters will no doubt be wondering where I am.