“We are. I wouldn’t have taken you last night if you were just my maid. I wouldn’t get talked into those dance classes, or bailed you out of jail; I wouldn’t have let you boss me around about the meal times.”
“You can say it all you want but last night…that’s not how you treat a friend Will. You left me alone with those harpies completely clueless to the dynamics going on.”
My mother had taken her anger at me out on Trisha. I understand her anger, but I never wanted her to know for that exact reason. I didn’t want her to suffer their wrath. They can’t get to me so they attack those close to me.
“I didn’t think they would say something to you the second I was out of earshot or I wouldn’t have left you there alone.”
“If I had known everything I could have defended myself.”
“You did well anyway. You didn’t hit anyone and get arrested.”
I mean it as a joke, but she doesn’t take it that way. She throws the half full can of soda onto the kitchen the floor.
“Is that what you really think I do every time I run into opposition? Well it’s not! I did that night because of a sexual assault! I don’t go around hitting people, even if they are arrogant asses!”
“You hit me last night!”
“You lied to me! You left me there to be treated like a hooker! Why wouldn’t I hit you? You treated me just as bad as that man in the bar! Or at least you made me feel the same as he did!”
She runs into her room, slamming her door. Her words knock the wind out of me. My mother insinuated that I am paying Trisha for sex? I hope that is not what she meant when she said something about me slumming it, but it seems my mother didn’t control herself at all. I can’t even tell Trisha how I feel about her and others are telling her it is passing fancy, that I will grow out of it and marry a rich girl.
Why did I think not telling her was better? Why did I ever take her there? She wanted so badly to have an excuse to wear that dress and dance as she has spent so much time practicing. I couldn’t help thinking that holding her in my arms half the night would make the party so much better.
I hadn’t been thinking with my head. She would’ve found out where I was going when she saw me in the tux. I didn’t want to upset her by not asking and leaving her behind. I know she would’ve thought of her dress and our dance practices. I did what I thought would make her happiest. Instead, I hurt her so much.
And now she’s been mugged. She was incapacitated while in a weakened emotional state. I myself know that makes people far more unstable than anything. No one wants to be weak in every way at once.
I can take care of her. Maybe I can take a week off. Call everyone; say my computers are having issues. Even if she doesn’t want to talk she needs to eat and I can make sure she doesn’t use her arm. If she will let me help can and take care of her.
It did not turn out to that easy. She has Bobbi taking her to the Y all the time. He promises to watch out for her. According to him she spends a lot of time on the treadmill. She tried the track, but someone bumped her arm and now she stuck with the treadmill and yoga relaxation techniques that don’t require two arms.
So I order flowers. All the guys say flowers are a good start until she will talk to me again. It’s not until day five she talks to me at all. I have been hiding in my office working for most of the week because she refuses to be in the living room with me. I don’t want to limit her entertainment options more since she already can’t use an arm.
When she knocks I am unsure. What should I say? What should I do? I creep out, she is on the couch.
“Is everything okay? Is something wrong?”
“Everything is fine. Sort of. I guess.”
I get closer, but don’t sit. I’m afraid of scaring her off and I want us to work this out.
“Sort of?”
She sighs. Her arm is out of the sling. She has cleaned, but I don’t care about that. She is healing very well, but I can’t tell her I am glad. If I do she flinches and turns away. The first time I mentioned it was the morning of our dance class; she left the room in anger. I‘m not sure what to say that won’t make it worse.
“Things just feel…”
She stops so I finish. “Wrong." At least that’s how I feel. She nods so I assume she agrees. If we agree maybe we can fix it.
“I was going to say awkward.”
“I don’t know what to say other than I’m sorry. I’ve tried…”
“Will, sending me a million flowers isn’t the answer.”
“I don’t know what else to give you. I know you like flowers. You always bring some home from the store when you go out. And you stare at them and smell them when thinking.”
“Yeah I know. They make me happy, but buying me things, even flowers, isn’t the answer.”
“What is?”
She sighs and can’t look at me. Is she going to hate me forever? I’m not sure I can stand seeing her everyday knowing she hates me.
“I think maybe I should move out.”
That is worse. I cannot stop the flinch as I feel the physical impact her words have on my heart.
“Do you really have to?”
“I can still work for you. I will come make your meals and clean. Maybe I can throw in some other cleaning jobs to make me some extra money.”
“You don’t have to leave.” Anything but that. I will wait forever for her to get over it. I can’t take it if she leaves. It is the one thing I don’t want to happen. I have gone through a lot of trouble so she can move in with me and not be hounded by the press. She can’t just leave. I haven’t told her how I feel about her yet. She can’t leave before I work up the courage.
“I know. I think it’s the right thing though.”
She looks on the verge of tears. I am the cause of her unhappiness. If she can be happier away from me I have to let her go. I can’t be selfish, but the words won’t come out. I’m not strong enough to wish her well. I will open my mouth and beg her to stay instead, and that's not what she wants. I nod and go in my room, slamming the door.
She moved out over the next couple of days. She wouldn’t accept my help moving what little she has. The house is empty without her. She still comes to make meals and clean, but she doesn’t make any noise, except when bringing meals into my office and when she leaves. She does the dishes first thing when she comes to make the next meal. It effectively makes it so I almost never see her.
Tommy says it might be for the best for now, but it is only making me feel worse. Maybe I could actually feel worse, but it sure doesn’t seem like it. Or perhaps it is the loss of light. She made the place brighter. I try leaving all the lights on, but it’s not the same.
I come out of my room on the first Friday since she moved to find her setting up. I’d been coming out to order everything because I didn’t thought she was coming.
"You’re here.”
She nods unpacking, but doesn’t look up.
“It’s Friday I had to set up.”
“I didn’t think you would come.”
“I’m not staying. I will be back tomorrow morning to make breakfast and clean up. I have a deadline looming.”
“Oh.”
I turn and decide I have time so I will shower. She wouldn’t want me out here anyway. She might stay longer if she can avoid me and I know the guys want a chance to say hi. They all miss her too. She is gone when I come out and I’m not surprised.
Chapter Eleven
I had trouble sleeping last night so I get up late the next morning. When I look around Tommy is gone. The guys point to Trisha’s room, it is hers whether she is in it right now or not, and I walk in that direction. What is he doing in there? I almost walk into Trisha as she walks out.
“Trisha.”
“Will.”
“Is breakfast all done?”
She nods toward the kitchen. Looking over I see Ihop bags. Huh?
“The traitors called Ihop. They all apparently beat you out of bed by at least an
hour.”
“Oh. So you are going home for now.”
“I’m going to clean another house. I will be done in time to make lunch and clean up after last night.”
“Okay.”
We stand in doomed silence for a few minutes before she walks out. Tommy comes out of her room shrugging.
“I tried dude but, well, she found out you have a sister you forgot to mention…”
“You only made it worse didn’t you?”
He shrugs. “I hope I gave her something to think about but no promises. But hey I have good news I got you a date tonight.”
“Are you trying to be funny or get beat up?”
He rolls his eyes and tosses an empty plate in the garbage.
“Trisha is having a house warming party. You are my plus one. You can thank me now for giving you the chance to drool over her from the corner. Maybe she will get drunk and be in a forgiving mood. You two can talk and make out…I mean make up.”
He snickers, as do most of the guys, and I sigh. She won’t want me there.
“I’ll stay home thanks. It’s a big night for her. My being there will just ruin it.”
Tommy shakes his head.
“Sorry you are my date if I have to handcuff you. And I will make sure she knows it’s you being kinky not me.”
He would do it to.
“Fine I’ll go. I need a shower. And something to eat. I have a feeling I won’t be eating much the closer it gets to this party.”
Tommy pats my back and shoves a plate at me.
“That’s the spirit. And hey, I got a great sarcastic house warming gift idea from us.”
“That’s okay I have a gift idea of my own.”
Tommy waits, but no response is forthcoming. Instead I go into my office, grabs a piece of blank paper, and start writing.
Later that night we car-pool there. Tommy knocks on the door holding the gift in one hand and making a beeline for my hand with the other. When she opens it she has a smile on her face. I hadn’t realized until just now that my imagination hadn’t come close to how it actually looks on her until I see it.
“Like my date?”
He holds up my hand. I scowl and pull away. Tommy smiles and winks as Trisha laughs and lets us in. I hesitate. The guys are here, but I still feel like I don’t belong.
“Come on in.”
“Are you sure?”
She smiles and nods so I step inside.
Around midnight it dies down and everyone has left but us. We are used to this. We start helping her clean and get so exhausted we all crash on her floor. She has no blankets or couch, but then she doesn’t have a bed in her room either. I can’t take this. I am going to buy furniture for her and ship it here without her knowledge. She can’t live like this. I won’t let it happen. The only thing that has a place are her books since she brought her shelves with her to my place.
All the guys shuffle out as they wake up the next morning. Tommy and I leave last. We each hand her our gifts and head out after she thanks us. We are tired and walking slow. The elevator in her building doesn’t work so we have to trudge down a lot of stairs and it is so much work. I am also dragging my feet. I don’t want to leave. Her place is uncomfortable and devoid of anything except her computer, books, and clothes, but if she is here I want to be as well.
We get into the car and Tommy is about to start it when he gets a funny look on his face.
“What is she doing?”
I look toward her building she is running at our car waving her arms like a crazy person. What could have happened since we just left?! We jump out ready to ask her what is wrong and help if we can.
She slams straight into me and hugs me so tight I think she will break my ribs. I don’t care if she does. I hug her back as she starts to cry. Tommy is silently thanking God it is over. I’m not so sure, but I am willing to go on a little faith.
“I want to come home.”
“Let’s pack your things. We can take what we can fit and have Bobbi take the rest.”
She smiles and we walk to the door of her apartment building.
“Okay.”
She is home in less than a full day and I can’t help but be relieved. We are talking again and I realize how much I have missed her voice. Even when she teases me I am so happy she is around I can’t get annoyed. I will always remember this so if I ever do win her heart I will remember what it is like to not have her anymore. She deserves to be treated like it is a possibility every single day.
A month passes and things seem to be heading upward. I come out of my office to grab a drink one day and she is on her computer and cell.
“Yeah we can check out the place tomorrow morning. I can skip yoga one day to look at it. It looks perfect though. Lots of room, not too expensive. I think it fits our criteria to a ‘T’.”
Is she moving? I thought she wanted to come back. Things seem back to normal. We eat together, go on evening walks, and she hangs out with us during guy’s night.
“Catering. I can’t believe it. It’s so exciting!”
She is going to work catering? I thought we were happy with things. We only argue over my habit of drinking too much soda. She still claims it will disintegrate my spine. Sounds like bologna to me. We have always argued over that. Other than that there has been no major difference of opinions. I try to think back. Over the last month things had been quiet. Maybe she was growing restless.
I should look at applications in that case. If she is leaving I will need a replacement. One more thing to add to my ‘to do’ list. Ugh. I hate looking through applications. I will never found anyone I like. Trisha didn’t keep our relationship strictly business. Asking your housekeeper to be your friend makes them assume you are hitting on them. Some are insulted when you say it isn’t that, but no matter what the case having a stranger in your house is weird.
I would hire a guy, but a lot of men feel weird working in this kind of environment and let’s face it, females cook better overall. They tend to be cleaner too, if I am any indication anyway. Well I guess I will be working late today. Applications are worse than work.
“Trisha, are you okay?”
She is flipping through the channels without actually looking at anything. She has been like this for weeks. Since I discovered she is leaving. Depressed, annoyed, and frustrated. What is with her? She hasn’t really left the house either. She isn’t going to yoga that I know of, and she isn’t going out with her friends. Has something really bad happened and I haven’t noticed? Is she getting ready to move and doesn’t know how to tell me?
“I’m just feeling shut in I guess.”
I’m not surprised, but I haven’t told her she can’t go out.
“So go out. You haven’t had a girl’s night in a while.”
She flinches. I sigh. When will she stop feeling bad about that, it was months ago? I sit down next to her. Maybe she will talk to me if I show more interest. I have been working a bit less hoping to spend more time with her before she moves, but I haven’t mentioned anything about her moving. I don’t want to ruin our harmony when hanging out.
“Trisha, stop feeling bad about that. It was forever ago. It’s no big deal. Go out, have some fun. It’s not like you to stay cooped up inside all the time. You haven’t gone to the Y in over a week.”
“I’m not going anymore. I don’t know if I will be able to afford it soon.”
I get up and go to the kitchen grabbing a water bottle from the fridge and down it. I want to stay next to her and tell her not to move. Not to start some catering business with a friend. To stay with me. But I don’t really want to be the monster that destroys someone’s dreams. I have to stay away from her for a bit. If she wants to leave I should let her. You can’t force someone to stay with you; if you do it’s not real.
“Trisha, go out, have some fun. You will feel better. We can talk tomorrow.”
I walk into my office and slam the door. I will work until the guys get here. Tomorrow she and I can
talk. I will finally ask her for a timetable of when she is going to move out so I can set up interviews. I haven’t found anyone like her, but I have some very professional people applying. Ugh, it won’t be the same I know it, but what can I do? If she wants to leave I can’t stop her.
There are brownies, cookies, and bread everywhere. What has she done? I heard that some women bake when upset, or clean, either that or she is practicing for her new business. Is this an order? How can I ask without insulting her or making her nervous? I don’t want the guys eating them if they are going to someone else.
“You look nice.”
She smiles and shrugs. Well I think she does.
“I didn’t put any effort in it. Just grabbed stuff out of the closet really.”
“You don’t need to put effort in to look beautiful Trish.”
She comes over and hugs me tight enough to almost break me in half. I don’t tell her to let go just hug her back just as tight. How much longer do I have before I will never hug her again?
“Be careful tonight. Call if you need anything Bobbi and I will come right out ok?”
She lets go and goes to get her shoes on. She is avoiding looking at me. The guys come in and she plasters on a small smile. It doesn’t look real.
“Hey where are you going?”
Tommy can’t get through the day without being nosey.
“Out. I’m going to try the girl’s night without the arrest this time.”
They laugh as she had meant them to and go straight to the food. A car honks and she grabs her jacket, wave's goodbye, and runs out the door.
“Will what’s with all the food?”
I shrug. “She baked a lot today.”
“Can we eat it?”
“She didn’t tell me otherwise.”
If I had refused to let her go when she hugged me would she have been mad? Should I have told her not to go because it is making me miserable? If I ask her to stay with me forever, not because she is paid to, but because I want her to want to, will she?
“Will, are you okay?”
I haven’t told the guys yet. I shake my head. No I’m not and I won’t be if she moves. I’ve had plenty of chances to tell her how I feel and I let them all pass. It seems so obvious to me now. At the time we had been having fun watching anime, gaming, walking, and talking. Any of those times I looked over at her smile and thought of how beautiful she was I could have been saying it out loud. I hadn’t. I am a coward and I am going to pay for it.
His & Hers Page 19