by Sandy Taylor
‘I wondered when you were going to ask me,’ she said softly.
‘I don’t need to know, Mammy, not if it’s going to make you sad,’ I said quickly.
‘You have a right to know, child, and telling you won’t make me sad.’
‘Was he nice, Mammy?’
‘He was lovely.’
‘How did you meet him?’
‘There was a ceilidh down at the church. A ship had docked in the quay and a bunch of Norwegian sailors came into the hall.’
‘Norwegian?’ I said, amazed.
‘Yes, Cissy.’
It took a minute to take this in. ‘I’m not just Irish, then?’
‘No, love, you are definitely half Norwegian.’
‘What happened?’
‘Well, they started to dance with us girls. The local lads weren’t happy about it and a fight broke out. The sailor I’d been dancing with hurried me away. His name was Stefan.’
‘My daddy’s name was Stefan?’
‘That’s right.’
‘We spoke different languages but somehow we understood each other in all the ways that mattered. He was handsome, Cissy, your daddy was so handsome.’
Mammy touched my hair. ‘His hair was the same colour as yours and… oh, his smile! I fell in love that night and I thought that he fell in love with me too. We saw each other every moment we could and then it was over. We had no time to say goodbye, his ship sailed away during the night. When I got down to the quay the next morning he was gone and I was never able to tell him that I was carrying his child. We’d been together for just a few months but when he went away, part of me went with him.’
‘And you had to go into the workhouse?’
‘I had brought shame on my parents. My father nearly killed me and I know he would have killed Stefan if he could. He threw me out into the street with nothing but the clothes I was wearing. The workhouse was the only place I could go.’
I could feel the tears running down my cheeks. ‘I’m sorry, Mammy.’
‘You have nothing to be sorry for, child. I knew what I was doing but I was foolish enough to think that he would come back.’
‘Did he know about me?’
‘I didn’t know myself until it was too late. By the time I did, he was long gone. I know they say that sailors have a girl in every port, but Stefan was different. In the short time I knew him, I grew to trust him and I would like to think that if he knew I was having his child, he would have come back.’
I stared into the fire. ‘Are you ashamed of me?’ I said.
Mammy stood up and gently lifted me to my feet. She put her arms around me and gently kissed the top of my head.
‘Never, Cissy,’ she said. ‘Never.’
I thought about how hard it must have been, to be all alone and expecting a baby when Mammy had no husband to look after her. She must have been so frightened.
‘You’re growing up fast, Cissy, and you are beautiful. One day you will fall in love, but I want you to do it right. I want you to be married when you bring a baby into this world.’
‘I want to make you proud and I promise never to bring shame on you.’
Mammy took my face in her hands. ‘You are Cissy Ryan, daughter of Moira Ryan and granddaughter of Malachi Ryan – and you are loved,’ she said.
Chapter Sixteen
At the break of dawn, on a dark rainy September morning, Colm and Blue pulled up outside the cottage to take me to the big house. I hadn’t slept well and I felt too sick to eat anything. I’d packed my bag the night before, all I had to do now was say goodbye. I knew that I would see them all again on my day off but I felt empty inside as though this was the end of something. I remembered the day I’d arrived and how angry the granddaddy had been and how he’d wanted to throw me out into the street, just like he’d done to Mammy, in nothing but the clothes I was standing up in. I remembered thinking he was the Devil himself and how I’d tried to see his tail but we’d grown to love each other and I would miss seeing him every day. I looked at him now, crouched over the fire; Buddy was on his lap and he was stroking his fur. He’d got up early to see me off. I wished he hadn’t because I knew I was going to cry and there wasn’t a lot of crying done in our little cottage. I wished someone would speak.
‘I’d better go,’ I said, breaking the silence.
The granddaddy just nodded his old head.
‘I’ll be back on Wednesday.’
He nodded again and I looked at Mammy, who gestured to me to go over to him.
I knelt down at his feet and stroked Buddy. ‘Be a good boy, Buddy,’ I said, ‘and look after my granddaddy for me because I love him even though he smells like a dead ferret.’
Granddaddy smiled at me and touched my cheek with his bony old hand.
‘You’ll be grand, Cissy,’ he said. ‘You’ll be grand.’
I stood and picked up my bundle. Mammy came to the cottage door but she didn’t see me off, she just said, ‘Thank you for taking her, Colm.’
‘You’re more than welcome, Mrs Ryan, and I’ll bring her home to you on Wednesday.’
Mammy nodded at him, then looked at me. ‘Be a good girl, Cissy, and do your best and you’ll be fine.’ Then she went into the cottage and closed the door.
I looked back at the little cottage where I had been so happy. I would miss being there with Mammy and Granddaddy, but I knew that it was time to move on.
‘Ready?’ said Colm.
‘I suppose I am,’ I said.
‘Best foot forward, Blue, for today is a very special day.’
‘Is it?’ I said, looking doubtful.
‘It is of course. Come on, Blue, let’s get this girl of ours off to Bretton Hall.’
I liked that Colm had said ‘This girl of ours’ – it made me feel warm inside, as if I belonged, as if I was important to him.
As we trotted through the town and out towards the strand, there was a bitter wind coming off the sea and I was freezing cold. Colm had put a blanket around my shoulders but my nose felt as if it was going to drop off. The water looked dark and menacing in the half light of morning, its blackness broken only by the bright beam from the lighthouse window, radiating backwards and forwards across the heaving waves and lighting up the craggy rocks beneath its base. In the daytime, the lighthouse wasn’t scary at all. The granddaddy said it had saved many a ship from being crushed on the rocks and many a sailor from a watery grave. I shivered and pulled the blanket closer around me.
‘Penny for them,’ said Colm.
‘I was thinking that the sea looks awful scary this morning.’
‘The sea has her moods, just like the rest of us. On a good day she is gentle and calm but if she’s upset, she lets us all know about it.’
‘A bit like the mammy,’ I said, grinning at him.
Soon we were trotting through the big iron gates of Bretton Hall. I was feeling sick again. Colm jumped down from the trap, then took my hand and helped me down too. He handed me my bundle. ‘You’ll be fine, Cissy, and if I don’t see you in the morning, I’ll collect you on Wednesday and take you home.’
I smoothed Blue’s back and buried my face in his soft coat, then I put my arms around Colm. I felt like crying. I knew I was being silly because I’d see him when he brought the milk and I’d see him on my days off, but I didn’t want to be here in front of this strange house. I wanted to be home in the little cottage getting the granddaddy his tea.
‘I think I’d rather work in the laundry with Mammy,’ I said. ‘At least then I could sleep in my own bed at night.’
Colm smoothed my hair away from my face and kissed my cheek. ‘The next time I see you, you’ll be full of it, telling me tales of how the other half live and being too grand for Paradise Alley.’
‘If there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s that I’ll never be too grand for Paradise Alley.’
‘May God go with you,’ said Colm, giving me a gentle shove.
I walked away from him and up the drive. I didn�
�t turn back because I knew if I did, I might lose my nerve and beg him to take me home.
I walked around the side of the house and knocked on the kitchen door. As I stood there, waiting for someone to answer, the strangest feeling came over me and I knew with certainty that once that door opened and I stepped inside, my life would change forever.
Eventually the door did open and I found myself looking at a large lady with a ruddy face and a mass of unruly hair. She wasn’t fat, just big, more like a man than a woman. The mammy would have described her as big-boned: she seemed to take up the whole of the doorway so that I couldn’t see the room behind her.
‘You must be Cissy Ryan,’ she said, smiling. ‘I’m Mrs Hickey.’
‘Good morning, Mrs Hickey,’ I said.
‘Come in, child, you look frozen and terrified.’ She stepped aside and I went into the warm kitchen.
‘Take off your shawl and stand by the stove, you’ll soon get some heat into your body.’
I stood in front of the stove and stretched my hands out towards the flame; it was lovely.
‘I bet you could use a nice cup of tea. I was just about to have one meself.’
Just then Annie came into the room, causing a blast of cold air to rush into the kitchen.
‘Door!’ yelled Mrs Hickey.
‘Sorry, Mrs Hickey,’ said Annie, slamming the door quickly behind her.
‘The child was born in a barn,’ said Mrs Hickey to no one in particular.
‘It’s terrible cold out there,’ said Annie, blowing on her hands to get some warmth into them.
‘Make us all a cup of tea, Annie. Make one for Bridie as well, she’ll want one when she’s done the fires.’
‘Yes, Mrs Hickey, I’ll do that right away, so I will.’
‘And while the kettle’s boiling, you can take Cissy up to your room and show her where she’s to sleep.’
‘You’re to sleep beside me,’ said Annie, grinning. ‘It’s been terrible lonely up there without Rosie.’
‘Your uniform is hanging on the wardrobe door, Cissy. I hope it fits okay, Rosie was about your size.’
‘Thank you, Mrs Hickey,’ I said. ‘I’m sure it will be fine.’
I followed Annie up the stairs to the top of the house. The room was tucked under the eaves. There wasn’t much furniture in there, just a couple of beds, a wardrobe and a chest of drawers. The room was at the back of the house overlooking the gardens. When I looked out of the little window the view nearly took my breath away. The lawns sloped right down to the sea. It was growing light now and the water looked less threatening. A thin sun was breaking through the clouds, glistening on the tips of the waves rushing towards the shore. It was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen.
‘I have the top three drawers and you can have the other three, is that okay?’ said Annie.
I turned around and smiled at her. ‘I don’t think I’ve got enough clothes to fill three drawers,’ I said.
‘Me neither,’ said Annie, grinning.
Annie was a skinny little thing but with a smile that warmed my heart.
I sat on the bed and started to undo my bundle. ‘I don’t remember seeing you in the workhouse, Annie,’ I said.
‘I only went up there about three years ago when my mother died.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘I was desperate sad, Cissy. Relatives took in my younger brothers and sisters but nobody wanted me.’
‘Well, I can’t think why,’ I said, smiling at her, ‘because I think you’re lovely.’
‘I’m not all there though, am I?’
‘Who told you that?’
‘Pretty much everyone. I can’t do the reading and the writing or me numbers.’
‘That doesn’t mean you’re not all there. Do you want to learn?’
‘I’d love to be able to read a book but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to.’
‘I can teach you if you want.’
‘Really?’
‘Let’s prove them all wrong, shall we?’
‘Yes, let’s,’ said Annie, grinning.
‘Do you know my friend Nora?’
‘That was terrible sad, wasn’t it?’ she said, her eyes filling with tears.
‘What was terrible sad?’
‘That she passed away so young.’
‘What are you talking about, Annie? Nora hasn’t passed away.’
‘She has, Cissy. I was up there only yesterday to collect a few bits I’d left behind. Mrs Foley was in a terrible state. She said that during the night Nora had been taken up to heaven in the arms of the angels.’
I heard the words coming out of Annie’s mouth but I couldn’t believe what she was saying. ‘You’re wrong,’ I shouted. ‘You’re wrong.’
Annie was staring at me with a horrified look on her face. ‘Oh, Cissy, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.’ Tears were rolling down her cheeks. ‘I shouldn’t have said. I didn’t think! Oh, Cissy.’
I put my head in my hands and cried as if my heart was breaking. My lovely friend Nora was gone, I’d never see her sweet face again in this lifetime. ‘Why did God have to take Nora?’ I sobbed.
Annie sat beside me and took me in her arms. ‘I could cut me tongue out, I could. I could cut me tongue out.’
I wiped my eyes. ‘You’ve done nothing wrong, Annie. I would have found out anyway.’
‘I’ll be your friend, Cissy, I will. I’ll be your friend.’
I nodded. ‘That would be nice, Annie,’ I said, but I knew in my heart that no one could ever replace Nora, not ever.
Everyone was so kind to me that day but it meant nothing; it didn’t help, it didn’t bring Nora back to me. I was unhappy for a long time after Nora died, it felt like a little bit of me had died too.
I loved working up at the big house though and I threw myself into my work. Mrs Hickey said she’d never met such a hardworking girl and she was delighted with me, but it was the work that took my mind off my sadness. Every task I was given I did the best I could as if I was doing it for Nora. I hoped she was looking down on me and feeling proud. I spoke to her all the time as I lit the fires and polished the floors and then one day I found myself thinking of her and smiling instead of crying. Mrs Hickey noticed the difference in me.
‘It’s nice to see you smiling again, Cissy. Maybe now you can go a bit easier on the polishing, for it’s a wonder there’s any varnish left on the surfaces.’
I smiled at her. ‘I’ll try, Mrs Hickey.’
I hadn’t gone on the milk round since losing my best friend and I knew that Colm would understand.
We were walking out the wood road when I told him. The trees and hedges were white with frost and we could see our breath like steam rising in the freezing air. Everywhere looked beautiful, like a million diamonds sparkling away in front of us, behind us and all around us, as if we were being held captive in a giant glass cage. Our boots crunched beneath us as we walked over the hard, crisp ground and the sky above us was the brightest of blues. I tucked my hands into my shawl and hugged my body to try and get some warmth. I loved walking in this magical place with Colm by my side. It was at times like this that my heart felt lighter and my soul felt at peace.
Buddy was running along in front of us, snuffling away at the undergrowth and chasing anything that dared to move. He was such a big dog now and not the little runt of the litter that I had fallen in love with. I had accepted that he was the granddaddy’s dog but I liked to think that he loved me too. I bent down to ruffle his fur as he laid a frosty stick at my feet.
‘Why not come with me on your next day off, Cissy?’
I stood up and threw the stick for Buddy to chase. ‘I'm not ready, Colm.’
‘I’m not saying you should go inside the place but…’
‘But what?’
‘Wouldn’t you like to visit Nora’s grave?’
‘I do want to, but…’
‘It will make it real?’
I nodded.
‘There will never be a
right time, Cissy, but seeing where she is laid to rest might give you some comfort.’
Mary had got the job at the workhouse helping Mrs Foley with the little ones and she visited Nora’s grave whenever she could and kept it tidy and said a prayer. Maybe Colm was right; maybe it was time to go myself, otherwise Nora would be wondering where I was.
‘Okay, Colm, on my next day off. We’ll go then.’
‘Good girl,’ said Colm, putting his arm around my shoulder. ‘I think that’s a good decision.’
As we started walking back through the woods, small flakes of snow started falling down around us. It was as if Nora was sending angel dust down from heaven and saying: ‘Yes, please come and visit me, Cissy. I’ve been waiting for you.’
Chapter Seventeen
The following Sunday, I got up early and went downstairs. It was so cold in the cottage that there was ice on the inside of the windows. It affected Granddaddy the most because of his poor old legs. We let him sleep, with Buddy lying across his feet.
I crouched down in front of the fire and held my hands out towards the flames. The cold had never bothered me much but now I was spoilt. Bretton Hall was always warm, with fires in all the rooms and the giant stove in the kitchen belting out heat as if it was mid-summer. Of course when it was summer the heat would be almost unbearable and we’d have to have the door open all the time but right now as my teeth chattered, I longed to be in the kitchen with Mrs Hickey and Annie and Bridie, feeling toasty and warm.
‘It’s a good job you have a fine coat now,’ said Mammy. ‘It was decent of them to give it to you.’
‘It belonged to Rosie, the girl who was there before me. She left it behind when she was dismissed.’
‘Well, let’s hope she doesn’t come back for it.’
‘Bridie said she wouldn’t be brazen enough to show her face at the Hall ever again, so I think the coat’s mine.’
Mammy put a bowl of steaming porridge on the table. ‘Sit and eat,’ she said. ‘The food will keep the cold out and I’ve warmed some water for your wash.’
‘Thank you, Mammy.’ I’d been dreading breaking the ice on the bowl of water and I was grateful to her for being so kind. ‘I wasn’t looking forward to it,’ I said, spooning the porridge into my mouth.