by Sandy Taylor
‘We are, Sister,’ I said.
‘I thought you would like to know that May has delivered of a beautiful baby boy and thanks be to God they are both fine. Now try to get some sleep and you can visit her in the morning. Good night, girls, and God bless.’
The three of us were in tears on hearing that May was okay. We knew that not everyone survived childbirth and we were just relieved that dear May had and couldn’t wait for morning when we could see her.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
The next day the three of us rushed through our chores and were soon eagerly going up the stairs to visit May. The door was opened by Sister Theresa. ‘Good morning, girls,’ she said.
‘Can we see her, Sister?’ said Rose.
‘Of course you can but don’t stay long because she is very tired after all her hard work.’
We walked over to May’s bed and sat down. She was asleep, but it was nice just to be near her. Sally held her hand and after a while she opened her eyes.
‘Hello, sleepyhead,’ said Sally gently.
May didn’t answer, she just smiled.
‘Are you okay?’ asked Rose.
‘I had a little boy,’ she said.
‘We know,’ said Sally. ‘Sister Gertrude told us.’
‘I’ve called him Billy.’
‘That’s nice.’
‘I named him after the grocer down the end of our road, he’s always been kind to me. He punched my dad once, knocked him clean out. I thought for a minute he’d killed him but he came round. I never have any bloody luck!’
‘Did it hurt much?’ said Sally.
‘It was like passing a block of flats,’ said May.
Sally shuddered at the thought of what she was going to have to go through. ‘You’d think there’d be an easier way, wouldn’t you?’
‘I wish Ruby could see him,’ said May. ‘I’d love that.’
‘Why don’t you write to her?’ I said.
Rose shook her head.
‘I never learned,’ said May.
‘Learned what?’
‘To write,’ said Rose, glaring at me. ‘May has never learned to write.’
‘They wouldn’t take her at school because she was so clever that she’d show the other kids up. Isn’t that right, May?’ said Sally.
May giggled.
I felt awful. ‘I’ll write it for you,’ I said. ‘Would you like that?’
‘Yes please, Cissy.’
‘I’ll get her address from the nuns.’
Rose looked round the room. ‘Where is the baby?’
Just at that moment Sister Theresa came into the room carrying a tiny bundle in her arms, tightly wrapped in a small white blanket. I could see a little arm waving like a starfish. May’s face lit up as she hoisted herself up in the bed and Sister placed the baby in her arms.
‘He’s a little angel. God bless him,’ Sister Theresa told us.
‘Does he have all his fingers and toes?’ said May.
‘Look for yourself,’ said Sister.
May gently folded back the blanket and the baby started to kick his little chubby legs. ‘Hello, Billy,’ she said. ‘I’m your mummy.’
I had a lump in my throat that was threatening to choke me, and I could see that Rose and Sally were struggling not to cry as well.
As May gazed down at him he looked back at her and never in my life had I seen two people who loved each other so much. How was she going to be able to part with him? Without thinking, my hands went down to my own belly and cradled it.
‘Isn’t he beautiful?’ said May, a look of awe on her tired face.
‘Beautiful,’ I repeated.
‘Are you hungry, darling?’ said May. ‘Are you?’
She pushed down her nightdress so that her breast was set free and she helped her baby, guiding his mouth to her nipple. I watched, transfixed, as the baby’s lips settled and then he began to suck, making funny hungry little noises. His tiny hand rested on May’s breast, his fingers so small it was hard to believe that they were real. Still he gazed up at May and she gazed down at him, stroking his cheek with the back of her finger.
‘You’re doing a good job, May,’ said Sister Theresa.
May looked up at her and smiled. ‘I know what I’m doing, Sister.’
‘Yes, you do, you’re a grand little mother.’
May nodded and looked down again and then she reached up her hand and wiped the tears from her eyes with her wrist.
‘Time to go, girls,’ said Sister Theresa. ‘May needs her beauty sleep.’
As we walked back downstairs, I said, ‘I didn’t know we had to feed them, I just thought they’d take them away.’
‘We have to look after the babies until a suitable family is found for them, Cissy. It could take weeks, even months. The nuns are hardly going to be paying for bottles of milk when we have it on tap.’
So I wasn’t going to be able to go home as soon as the baby was born? I felt sick to my stomach and at the same time I felt ashamed of myself for not wanting to feed my own child. But I couldn’t help it, I wanted to go home as soon as possible and forget that any of this had happened. I’d marry Colm and we’d have a baby of our own, a baby born out of love, not a quick fumble in the woodshed.
‘We all have to do it, Cissy,’ said Sally. ‘We don’t get away with it that easily.’
‘But I thought…’
‘I know what you thought but it’s not the way it works. May here has had to do this three times. She’s had to give up three babies, Cissy, and she’s still able to smile.’
I could tell that Sally was disappointed in me and she was right to be, I was a selfish girl. I thought of May smiling down at her little boy with such love in her eyes. But I wasn’t May, I couldn’t let myself love this child inside me. I told myself that it was better this way. My child would have a good home with parents who wanted it, they would love it even if I couldn’t.
Chapter Forty
The three of us were sitting on the grass at the back of the convent trying to come up with a plan to save May.
‘We could hide her?’ suggested Sally.
‘He’d have the place turned upside down,’ said Rose, ‘and he’d probably get the law in.’
‘But she can’t go back there,’ I said.
‘No, she bloody well can’t!’ said Sally.
We sat in silence, each with our own thoughts. A warm breeze touched my skin and lifted the hair from the back of my neck. It was hard to believe that on this beautiful day there were homes like the one May lived in, full of fear and sadness and pain.
My thoughts went back to Bretton Hall. The daffodils would be in full bloom, covering the lawn and sweeping down to the sea like a blanket of gold. It felt like a million years ago that I had first stepped through those doors and a million years since I was in Peter Bretton’s arms. I never wanted to see that place again and I never wanted to see Peter again. Yet I wondered who had taken my place and I hoped that whoever she was, she would be a friend to Annie.
‘We should try talking to Iggy again,’ said Rose. ‘She must be as worried as we are about May.’
‘How long will she have to feed Billy?’ I said.
‘About six weeks, unless they find a family for him sooner.’
‘Hello, girls,’ said Sister Luke, walking towards us.
‘Hello, Sister,’ we chorused.
‘It’s nice to see the three of you enjoying this beautiful God-given day. Have you been up to see May this morning?’
‘We were just about to go, Sister,’ I said.
‘Well, say hello to her for me, won’t you?’
‘We will, Sister,’ said Sally.
‘Sister?’ said Rose.
‘Yes, child?’
‘Do you think we could have a word with Ig… I mean, Mother Ignatius?’
‘Mother is at prayer now but I will tell her that you would like to speak to her. Is it concerning May?’
‘It is, Sister.’
�
�The poor child is in our prayers.’
As we watched Sister Luke walk away, Sally made a face. ‘Lot of bloody good prayers are going to do her!’
‘It’s worth a try,’ I said.
‘It’s not prayers she wants, it’s an escape route.’
When we walked into May’s room there was a girl sitting beside the bed.
‘Ruby!’ screamed Sally.
Sally and Rose threw their arms around her.
‘You two haven’t changed,’ said Ruby. ‘You’re still as fat as ever. Another partner in crime?’ she said, looking at me.
‘This is Cissy,’ said Rose, ‘visiting us from Ireland, she fancied a little holiday with the nuns.’
‘I thought I’d come and see my old mate here,’ said Ruby, gazing fondly at May.
‘Wasn’t it good of her to come all this way to see me and Billy?’
‘I’m glad you’re here, girls,’ said Ruby, suddenly looking serious. ‘I have something to put to May.’
We pulled up some chairs and sat down.
‘May,’ said Ruby. ‘I’ve told my parents all about you and they would like you to come and live with us. If you would like to.’
‘Of course, it’s what she’d like,’ said Sally, jumping up.
‘Oh, Ruby,’ said Rose, ‘we’ve been trying to think of a way to help her and now you’ve come up with the best plan ever!’ She grinned at May. ‘Imagine, May, you can go and live with Ruby, you won’t ever have to go home again.’
Instead of looking happy, May had a look of absolute horror on her face. ‘No!’ she screamed, ‘No!’
‘What’s wrong, darling?’ asked Ruby, holding May’s hand.
Tears were running down May’s face. ‘I can’t live with you, Ruby, I have to go home, I have to.’
‘But why? Can you tell me why?’
May had her head in her arms and she was sobbing. None of us could understand why she was so upset by what should have been wonderful news.
‘It’s alright, love,’ said Ruby gently, ‘It’s alright.’
The four of us sat staring at May. There was something very wrong here and May wasn’t telling.
‘We’ll leave you with Ruby,’ said Sally.
Ruby nodded. ‘I’ll find you,’ she said.
We closed the door gently. Sister Luke was waiting for us at the bottom of the staircase.
‘Ah, girls,’ she said, smiling. ‘Mother is waiting for you in her office.’
‘Thank you, Sister,’ said Rose, almost absent-mindedly.
I waited until Sister Luke walked away. ‘I don’t understand,’ I said.
‘Neither do I,’ agreed Sally. ‘It’s the perfect solution. Ruby lives in Cornwall, May’s old git of a father would never find her there.’
‘Then why won’t she go?’ I said.
‘She looked terrified, there must be one hell of a reason why she won’t take Ruby up on her offer,’ said Rose.
‘Maybe Iggy knows, come on.’
Mother Ignatius listened while we filled her in on what had just happened. She fingered the crucifix around her neck sadly and shook her head.
‘It makes no sense, Mother,’ said Sally.
‘And yet it makes perfect sense to May,’ said Mother Ignatius, standing up and walking across to the window.
She didn’t say anything for a minute and then she turned to face us. ‘May has three younger sisters at home.’
‘But what’s that got to do with anything?’ I said.
‘May says that if she doesn’t go back, they won’t be safe from her father. She believes she is protecting her sisters, girls, and she won’t be persuaded by any other course of action.’
So that was it, she was sacrificing herself for the people she loved. Poor, brave May.
‘Going to live with Ruby is the best chance she’s got, Mother,’ said Rose. ‘There must be a way to make her see sense.’
‘Do you think we haven’t tried over the years, Rose?’
‘Of course, Mother, I’m sorry.’
‘We’ve offered her a job here with us, helping with the babies, but no, she just goes back home until the next time he delivers her to our door. The Sisters’ hearts are broken every time she leaves us, knowing what is ahead of the poor child, but what can we do to help her if she refuses to help herself?’
‘You have to find a way to help her this time, Mother, you have to.’
Mother Ignatius sat back down and faced us. ‘Myself and the Sisters will pray to our Blessed Lord to intervene and cause May’s bastard of a father to have a slight accident, rendering him dead.’
The three of sat staring at her with our mouths open.
‘Don’t look so shocked, girls. The word is used liberally in the Bible and never has a word been more appropriate than in the case of May’s father.’
Chapter Forty-One
Six weeks later, we were standing on the platform saying goodbye to May and Ruby. Fate had stepped in and given May her freedom: she was on her way to a new life in Cornwall with her dear friend. Sister Gertrude had come with us and was holding little Billy in her arms.
‘You saved me,’ said May, ‘and I’ll never forget you all.’
‘I’d say it was a higher power than us that saved you,’ replied Rose.
‘Keep in touch,’ said Sally.
‘I will.’
Whistles were blowing, and doors were slamming as the train prepared to leave the station.
‘Come on, May,’ said Ruby gently. ‘It’s time to go home.’
The three of us held May in our arms and Sally pulled Ruby into the circle. We reluctantly let them go and they stepped up into the carriage. Sister Gertrude handed the tiny baby boy to May.
‘Be happy, child,’ she said, dabbing at her eyes.
‘I will, Sister,’ said May, reaching for the baby. ‘Thank you for everything.’
‘It’s our Blessed Lord and Saviour you have to thank, May, for he does indeed work in mysterious ways, his miracles to perform.’
‘Ruby?’ said Sally.
Ruby stepped back down onto the platform. ‘Take care of them both,’ said Sally.
Ruby smiled at us. ‘I promise you girls that as long as I live, she will never know fear like that ever again.’
May and Ruby were hanging out of the window as the train moved slowly out of the station. We waved like mad until their faces disappeared in a cloud of smoke.
‘Fancy a cup of tea before we go back?’ said Rose.
‘That would be grand,’ I said.
‘Sister?’ said Rose.
‘I’m off to St Steven’s to see how May’s sisters are settling in. You enjoy your tea.’
We walked across to the waiting room and ordered tea and buns. I was full of joy to see May starting out on her new life away from London and away from all her pain and suffering. I didn’t even care when a couple of snooty women tutted at our swollen bellies.
The waiting room was clean and cosy and although it was spring, there was a lovely fire burning in the grate.
‘Well, that’s our May gone,’ said Sally, biting into a bun. ‘I’m going to miss her.’
I took a sip of tea, it was milky and sweet. ‘Do you really think that it was Iggy’s prayers that caused that container to fall on her dad’s head?’
‘Nah, just coincidence,’ said Sally.
‘I wouldn’t rule it out,’ I said. ‘I once prayed to Our Lady to make a horse well and she did.’
‘I bet you also prayed to get the bleed, and it’s pretty obvious she didn’t answer your prayers that time. Now, either she was busy that day or she thought more of the horse than she did of you.’
I grinned. ‘So it wasn’t divine intervention then?’
‘No,’ said Sally. ‘Just a stroke of good luck.’
‘I wonder what Ruby’s parents are going to say when she turns up with May and Billy?’ I said.
‘Well, they didn’t send Ruby back with her baby, Susan, so I doubt they’ll send Billy packi
ng.’
‘I liked Ruby a lot,’ I said.
‘She’s one of the best,’ said Sally. ‘I wasn’t a bit surprised when she decided that May couldn’t leave Billy behind. Once Ruby makes her mind up about something, she sticks to it. Thanks to her, May is able to keep at least one of her babies.’
‘Fancy another bun, girls?’ asked Rose.
But Sally wasn’t up for anything right then. She was white as a sheet and bent double over the table.
‘Bloody hell, Sally! You’re not having the baby, are you?’
‘Of course I’m having the baby, you silly cow!’
‘But it’s not due for weeks,’ said Rose.
‘Tell that to the baby,’ said Sally, groaning.
‘What are we going to do?’ I asked, feeling sick and worried for Sally.
‘We’re going to have to take a taxi back to the convent.’
‘Who’s going to pay?’ gasped Sally.
‘We’ll worry about that when we get there,’ said Rose.
Chapter Forty-Two
This was a spring like no other, with a sky so blue that it looked as if it had been painted. Everywhere were signs of new growth: daffodils, crocuses and tulips pushing up through the soft earth, vying with each other to be the brightest and the best.
A spring promising hope and new beginnings.
This was not a day to bury a child, who would never feel the warmth of the sun on her cheeks or the cool breeze ruffling through her hair. A child whose soul was as pure and white as the snowdrops scattered among the old gravestones.
Sally had laboured for two days; we could hear her screams all over the house. In the end, they had to call for the doctor but he couldn’t save her little girl. Sister Gertrude said that they had almost lost Sally as well. Everyone was beside themselves with grief.
Sally stood between her parents as the little coffin was lowered into the ground. She hadn’t cried, not once, not even when she was told that her baby had died.
We helped her pack her bags as her parents waited downstairs to take her home.
Rose and I didn’t know what to say, we could find no words that would comfort her. The longer we didn’t speak, the worse the silence got, until the silence itself screamed louder than any words.