After what feels like an eternity, the sky begins to lighten beyond the windows of the annex. I sigh, accepting the fact that sleep is simply not going to happen for at least several more hours. Pulling myself up off the comfortable bed, I feel a little thrill of anticipation course through me at the thought of seeing Lukas again.
Though he’s far from any sort of bashful suitor, he’s got me feeling every inch the doe-eyed young innocent waiting to be swept off her feet. It’s like he’s able to erase everything that’s already happened to me in this crazy, mixed up life of mine.
I dress quickly in a pair of boyfriends jeans and a white tee shirt before heading back into the house. The sun creeps up over the horizon as the dewy grass clings to my ankles. I glance toward the winding maze of tall hedges that encloses the Roth’s garden. The image of Lukas and I wandering through those green corridors hand in hand makes me smile...And the image of him laying me out across a stone bench and having me right then and there practically makes me moan out loud. I need to keep these fantasies in line.
The French doors leading out to the lawn are locked up tight. I’m grateful for the additional security surrounding the estate, it makes me feel safe. I punch the security code Thomas gave me into the nearby keypad and the locks slide open for me. I slip in through the back of the house, stepping lightly along dark wooden floors. Miraculously, I manage to find my way to the foyer all on my own. Thank God—I don’t know how many more surprises I can withstand in this place. I hurry up the marble staircase and down the hallway toward Gertrude’s bedroom.
As I move along, a door swings open beside me. It’s the same door that I peered into before, only to find Lukas within, half naked. I don’t need to do any investigating this morning, it seems. I stop cold as Lukas emerges from the darkened room and leans against the doorway. I’m surprised that I don’t actually pass out as I realize that he’s stark naked save for a pair of criminally tight, silk briefs. The sight of his body so utterly exposed to me in the quiet light of daybreak paralyzes me with longing.
His perfectly sculpted muscles look like they’re cut from the same marble as the stairs I just climbed. Each abdominal muscle is clearly defined in a textbook definition of “washboard”. A sexy tattoo covers his left shoulder, and I have to admit it makes him look like a badass. His waist tapers down, the sexy V of his hips leading my eyes right to that breathtaking bulge between his legs. A little groan escapes me as I see that he’s long and hard once more, the thin fabric hardly up to the task of containing such an enormous cock.
“Good morning, Hannah,” he grins at me.
“G-good morning, Mr. Roth. Lukas,” I say breathlessly.
“I like those jeans on you,” he says, his voice as rich as German dark chocolate.
“I don’t think it’s my attire we should be talking about,” I smile, unable to keep my eyes from resting on his long, stiff member.
“I usually sleep in the nude, actually,” he says , crossing his thick arms over his amazingly built chest, “But I thought since you’re staying here now, I’d try and be a bit more decent.”
“Oh, this is decent,” I say, taking a step toward him. It’s like I’m being drawn into an eddy, unable to keep myself from being swept away by this man. My fingers tremble—all I want to do is rake them down the tanned skin of his chest. I keep moving, one tiny step at a time. I need to be close to this man, but I know that my body is still unaccustomed to the touch of another.
“Gently now,” he growls as I approach, “I’m OK with a little teeth, but don’t bite off more than you can chew.”
“God, you’re sexy,” I whisper, drawing up before him.
“You’re beautiful, Hannah,” he says, looking down at me with those stunning blue eyes of his. “And before long, you’re going to be all mine.”
With a deep breath, I raise my hands and slowly, easily, lay them on the hard panes of his chest. A tiny shot of terror rips through me, but I fight through it. Lukas watches me steadily as I weather the storm of conflicting emotions. He doesn’t rush me, but I can see him growing stiffer by the second.
“It’s going to be so much better when I can finally fuck you,” he says into my hair, his breath hot against my cheek, “To know that you had to work for it, to work through so much just to have me...God, that will be so, so sweet.”
I raise my face to his, and the closeness is too much for either of us to resist. I bring my mouth hungrily to his, and he meets me with a firm, powerful, masterful kiss. He opens my mouth to him, lets his tongue slide commandingly against mine. My mouth is filled with the taste of him as I bring my hands to his rough jaw. I’m struck with an intense, overwhelming wave of sensation. Gasping, I wrench myself away from him and take a step back.
We face each other across the hall, our chests heaving. One kiss was all it took to set us on fire with passion. I can only imagine what it will be like to finally let him inside. I smile weakly, straightening my tee shirt. Lukas returns my grin, stroking the stubble on his chin.
“I’d better get dressed for the day,” he says, turning away from me.
“Yeah,” I say, “I’d better...you know. Get to work.”
“You’d better,” he says, “Or else I’m likely to lose the composure I’ve somehow managed to maintain. You’re not going to make this restraint thing easy.”
He closes the door and I turn away with a stumbling step. That’s quite a morning ritual, right there. One that I wouldn’t mind repeating.
I ease open the door to Gertrude’s room so as not to wake her. But as I step over the threshold, an unsettling sound catches my ear. A pained whimpering is rising up from the tangled bedclothes across the space.
“Gertrude?” I say, tearing across the room. I yank open the curtains and let the cool sunlight spill across the bed. Gertrude’s eyes are wide open, her mouth twisted in agony. Her fists are balled around handfuls of her comforter, and she’s absolutely dripping with sweat.
I fly into action, checking all of her vitals and assessing the situation. Nothing dire has happened with her dialysis regime, but she’s obviously in extreme pain. I grab the bottle of pills that sits on the bedside table and manage to help her into a sitting position. She lets out a cry of anguish as I pull her up, a sound that punches a hole straight through my heart.
“What’s going on?” I hear Lukas demand from the doorway. “Mother, what’s wrong?”
“She’s in a lot of pain, Lukas,” I tell him evenly, “We need to get these pills down.”
He sits on the bed beside his mother, taking her into her arms to steady her writhing body. “Just take the pills, Mother,” he coaches, smoothing her hair with his strong hand.
I bring two small tablets to her trembling lips, then offer a sip of water. Together, Lukas and I manage to make her swallow. We sit there on either side of her, holding her between us until the medicine begins to take effect.
“No need...to make such a fuss...” she murmurs, as we lay her back down onto the bed.
“Hush,” Lukas says, as her breathing finally steadies out. “We’ll be right here.”
“Oh, I’m so glad,” she smiles, taking in the sight of us there together. “Thank you both for being here with me. You’re so...so good...”
“Of course we’re here, you should've called for me if you were in pain,” I say softly, laying my hands on hers, “We love you, Gertrude. We’ll stay right here with you as long as you like.”
Lukas looks up at me in sudden wonder as the word “love” escapes my lips. It’s as though I’ve uttered something in a foreign language. Has this man been hurt so badly that he can no longer even bring himself to consider the idea of love, even for his own mother? I look back and forth between the mother and son who have been through so much, together and on their own. I’ve never met a family as remarkable as the Roths in my life.
“We should get her cleaned up,” I say to Lukas.
“Of course,” he says, standing reluctantly, “A sponge bath will be jus
t the thing to make you feel better. I’ll get Thomas on it right away.”
“Just have him bring the things,” I say, “I’ll bathe her myself.”
“Yes,” Gertrude sighs, “That Thomas has always had a crush on me. Don’t want to engage in anything improper...”
“I’ll be right back,” Lukas says, “If you need anything, anything at all—”
“Don’t worry so much,” Gertrude tells him, “You wrinkle up that handsome face I gave you.”
Lukas hurries out of the room, closing the door behind him. Gertrude and I exchange glances. Her eyes are milky and unfocused. For the first time since meeting her, she actually seems old to me.
“I don’t have much longer, do I?” she asks softly.
A thick knot balls up in my throat as I answer, “I don't think so...”
“That’s OK,” she says, “It’s been one hell of a ride. I just don’t want it to hurt.”
“It doesn’t have to,” I tell her, “I’ll make sure that you have all the pain medicine you need.”
“Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just decide when we wanted it to be over?” she sighs, “Just pick a moment, a day on the calendar, and go...That would be nice.” She turns to me with a sleepy smile. “You were sent here for a reason, you know. You were sent here to look after me until the end. And to look after Lukas, once I’m gone. Will you promise me that you’ll look out for him, Hannah? I can tell he likes you so, so much. You’d be such good company for him, such a good companion. After all he’s been through...”
“The divorce, you mean?” I say before I can stop myself, “I was snooping through the photo albums. I’m sorry.”
“Divorce?” she says, wrinkling her brow, “Oh no, Hannah. If only there had been a divorce. Then my dear little grandchildren would still...would still be...”
“What?” I ask, “Still be what?”
“It’s not right,” she says, shaking her heads, “I’m supposed to be the one who dies first. Me. Why wasn’t I the one to die first?”
“Gertrude,” I breathe, but her eyes have already fluttered closed. Her breathing evens out into the shallowness of sleep as the dilaudid pills take effect. I stare at her relaxed features, my head spinning. What did she mean, the one who dies first? Surely, she was just talking about her father. Her sisters. There’s no way she could have been talking about...
Tears begin to stream down my face as I recall the photograph on the last page of the leather album. Those two little curly-haired angels, those big, blue perceptive eyes...I try to tell myself that I’m imagining things, that there must be some other explanation, but in my heart, I already know the horrible truth.
Lukas’s wife and children aren’t estranged, living in some townhouse in California. They’re...dead. They’re gone. What could have possibly happened? An accident? Or something far more devious. I think suddenly of the arms locker downstairs and feel my heart skip a beat. Violence only breeds more violence, after all.
I slump back in my chair and wait for Lukas, my unexpectedly tragic Lukas, to reappear.
Chapter Sixteen
-Lukas-
Mother’s deteriorating condition brings a veil of somber reflection down upon our estate. Everyone, from her first born son to her gardener, is stricken with the impending loss of Gertrude Roth. The waiting is excruciating. Knowing that my mother’s death is inevitable and not being able to do a damn thing to stop it is absolute torture for me. I’m so used to being in control of every aspect of my life, so used to calling the shots, that feeling this powerless is more than I can handle gracefully.
Thank God that Hannah is here to see us through until the end. All week, I look on in wonder as she cares for Mother with unceasing patience and compassion. How she can muster the courage and strength to be so available and fully present for every single patient she cares for is beyond me. While I hardly believe that there’s a person in the world who is inherently good and pure, Hannah comes pretty damn close.
I can’t help but feel terribly useless as Mother slips further and further away. The painkillers help quite a bit, but they make her confused and unfocused. She’s always been so sharp and put together that seeing her with a slackened jaw, spouting nonsense, comes very close to breaking what little's left of my heart. I knew that this point would come. I knew that I would eventually have to say goodbye. But even so, even though death is practically a part of my daily life, this is still harder than I ever imagined it would be.
When Mother dies, I will truly be a man without a family. This entire estate will exist solely in my care. Maybe I’ll have the goddamn thing demolished, instead. It would feel more honest.
During the brief moments that aren’t consumed by darkness, I notice that Hannah’s manner toward me has shifted. Our flirtation has, of course, been put on indefinite hold now that Mother’s taken a turn for the worse. But it’s not just that. When she looks at me now, there’s something in her gaze that looks very much like sympathy. The longing that I feel in her is more than sexual, now. I get the feeling that she actually wants to be with me, not just sleep with me. Probably, she’s just feeling sentimental—the sudden awareness of mortality will do that to a person. Surely, when this crisis has passed, she’ll regard me with the same detached lust that she did before, I hope.
But once this crisis has passed...Hannah will no longer be a part of my life. Once my mother has been laid to rest, there will be no reason for her to stay here. I’ve missed my opportunity with her, probably forever. Usually, I’d just be able to shrug off a missed connection like that and look for the next bombshell blonde at the governor's party to seduce. But for some reason, the thought of losing Hannah along with my mother...it’s almost too much. Even for me.
Late one afternoon, several days after Mother’s condition first revealed itself to be dire, I try and distract myself with some physical exertion. Since Mother’s been getting worse, so has my diligence about working out.
I head down to the basement level gym, complete with weight, cardio, and steam rooms. During the gap between jobs, I’m typically religious about working out to keep my body in optimal condition. I don’t believe in building muscle just for the sake of it—my fitness is geared toward functionality and utility. What’s the use of bulking up endlessly with a job like mine?
I plant myself on the rowing machine, casting off everything but my white workout briefs. Surely, I’m just going to sweat through anything I put on my body, after all. I lose myself in the rhythmic motion of the machine, the whir of my vigorous motion drives any other thought out of my mind. I feel the built up anger, fear, grief, and desire pouring out of me like sweat as I push myself harder and harder. I want to be rid of all of it, free from any feeling at all.
I’m not used to being bombarded with feelings. After my wife and children were so brutally taken away from me, I learned very quickly how to refuse emotion. But lately, with everything that’s been happening first with Mother, then with Hannah...my resolve is being tested. I can’t afford this sort of distraction in my life. There’s no way I can possibly work like this. I have to find my way back to being detached. To being above emotion entirely. It’s the only way I’m going to make it through the rest of this damned life. It’s a terrible way to live, but it’s the only way I know how to do it.
It isn’t until my muscles finally begin to feel the edges of utter fatigue that I slow my pace. Easing into the end of my session, I let the rest of the room come back into focus. I’m surprised to see someone standing in the doorway, and both pained and thrilled to realize that it’s Hannah.
“Have you been standing there long?” I ask, coming to a stop on the machine.
“Just for a second,” she tells me, her eyes wide with longing. I can feel her gaze on my sweat-slicked body. I wish that the rest of the world could fall away, just for an hour or two, so I could have that woman all to myself. But the rest of the world has other plans, as always.
“What is it, then?” I snap, standing up
and approaching the beautiful nurse. She looks hurt by my tone, but I’m beyond being able to micromanage my manner for anyone’s benefit.
“I think...We’re closing in on the end,” she says softly, “I think that Gertrude can feel it. She asked me to come find you.”
The room itself seems to sway as Hannah’s words slam into my gut. I try and force myself into a state of composure, try to tamp down the mounting dread and despair that are threatening to overtake me. I have to make it through this without buckling to emotion. If I let myself begin to feel again...No. I can’t withstand that torrent of pain twice in one lifetime. I’ve spent all my grief, shed all my tears. I can't have any heart left to be broken, after everything I’ve been through.
“Lukas,” Hannah says softly, taking my hands in hers. I look up at her, surprised. For once, she hasn’t flinched at my touch. There’s always been a lingering panic in her eyes whenever our bodies meet in the simplest way, but not today. Right now, there’s nothing in her gaze but compassion and strength. I’m so immensely grateful that she’s here with me, even if I can’t find the words to tell her.
“Alright,” I say, my voice jagged, “Let’s go.”
Hannah and I make our way back to Mother’s bedroom, hand in hand. The tension that hangs between us is as present as ever, but something even more intense has trumped it. I feel closer to her in this moment than ever before. We draw up before the bedroom door, and Hannah hangs back.
“She wants to see you alone,” she whispers, fighting to restrain her own tears. I nod once and draw in a deep, steadying breath. With my heart lodged firmly in my throat, I step into my mother’s bedroom.
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