“I suppose...I’ll begin planning mother’s gala today,” I begin, crushing my cigarette out on a butter dish. “Thomas will need some help.”
“Right,” Hannah says, “Maybe...I’ll head back to the apartment. Grab some...more things?”
I look up at her, scrutinizing her expression. “You...don’t mind staying a while longer?” I ask, “Think of it as a paid vacation. You’ll be compensated, of course—”
“Lukas,” she says, “Don’t you dare mention compensation at a time like this. You think I’d leave you here by yourself, with everything that’s happened?”
“I guess I’ve just come to expect it,” I shrug.
“Well, you’re not going to shake me off that easily, besides my boss already gave me the month off,” she says, leaning over the bar. She brings her lips to mine in a sweet, simple kiss. It’s been a long time since I’ve been kissed like that. In a way that’s almost...friendly. Comfortable. Something about it rattles me more than any heated exchange that’s occurred between us yet.
Hannah pulls away, looking deeply into my eyes. “You do want me to come back, don’t you?” she asks, a little edge of uncertainty around her words.
“Of course,” I tell her, “I’m just...a bit distracted.”
“Right,” she says, forcing a smile onto her face. I look around at our simple breakfast, our mugs of coffee, my cigarette smoldering in the dish. Despite the domestic evidence to the contrary, we’ll never be the sort of couple that Hannah’s always expected to be a part of. I hope that she’s as on board with all of this as she seems to be. Only time will tell, I suppose.
I look at Hannah long and hard, and a deep appreciation rises up inside of me. This woman knows everything there is to know about me, now. And she’s still standing beside me with a game smile on her face. Even after the earth-shattering episode last night, I can’t help but get a little turned on by her willingness. I’ve always loved a woman who’s down for a little of the unexpected.
Chapter Twenty-Two
-Hannah-
Lukas closes the driver’s side door of my Buggy behind me. I peer up at him through the rolled-down window, suppressing a grin at his unnecessary show of chivalry. This whole being-together thing is going to take a little getting used to, for both of us. I get the sense that Lukas Roth is not used to interacting with a young woman whose company he actually enjoys, let alone one who he actually likes. I doubt that my gorgeous millionaire companion has had any trouble getting tail these past few years, but actually pursuing a relationship with someone is a whole other story.
“I won’t be gone long,” I tell him, “I just want to grab a few more things from my apartment. You know—to feel a little more at home here.”
“Of course,” Lukas nods, shoving his hands into the pockets of his slacks. “You’re sure you don’t want me to come along? After that cretin broke into your house—”
“It’s fine,” I cut him off, my fingers tightening on the steering wheel. The last thing I want is for Lukas to have to fight Sloan. I have no doubt that he would be able to beat my abusive ex into a bloody pulp, that’s not the problem.
With Sloan’s entire family working in either the government or law enforcement, Lukas needs to be kept as far away from him as possible. Who knows what dirt they could dig up on Lukas if they were provoked? Mr. Roth’s current “occupation” isn’t exactly legal, after all. If he got himself locked up because of me, I don’t know if I could ever forgive myself. It would be just like the justice system to let my rapist and abuser go free while Lukas ended up behind bars.
“Hannah,” Lukas says, resting his hands on the driver’s side roof of my car, “There’s a good chance that I won’t be here when you get back. You have all the security codes to let yourself back into the estate, yes?”
“I do,” I tell him, “But where will you be?”
“I...Have a gig tonight,” Lukas shrugs, “It might take a while.”
A gig, he says. As if this were just another run-of-the-mill night for him. I swallow hard, realizing that for Lukas, setting off to kill a dangerous piece of shit is just another job. For him, this is completely normal, business as usual. That idea is going to take a little getting used to.
“Well...I’ll be waiting for you,” I tell him, and bring my lips to his. He kisses me deeply, appreciatively, bringing his strong hand to my jaw. The simplest touch from him can work me up into a lusty, insatiable frenzy...but we both have places to be. I pull away from him with a dizzy smile and start my Buggy. I start off down the long drive leading away from the Roth estate and set my course for my apartment.
It feels like a decade has passed since I set foot in my apartment. But in fact, it’s only been a couple of weeks. So much about my world has shifted since I shook Sloan off my trail and settled into the estate to wait out Gertrude’s decline. The sudden transformation of my relationship with Lukas has altered everything about my world. His assertion that things I’ve taken for fact—life and death, law and order—are just arbitrary systems...I have to admit, it’s all rattled me a bit. I’m having a little trouble remembering where my own convictions end and Lukas’s begin.
I pull up to my apartment building and step out of my car. It’s strange, how small my building seems after spending the last few weeks at the Roth Estate. It’s like knowing Lukas has caused my entire world to grow three times its original size. I wonder if any of the things I used to care about—my job, my interests—will even matter to me anymore, after all that’s happened. I make my way up to the apartment I share with Sophia and push open the front door with a sigh.
The first thing I see upon entering the space is a confusion of naked limbs. It takes me a moment to even comprehend what I’m seeing, but once I do I wish I hadn’t. Sophia is tangled up with two very bulky men on the living room floor. Their hands, feet, and hair are covered in paint of all different colors, and they seem to be writhing around on a gigantic blank canvas.
“What the fuck?” I exclaim, taking in the bizarre scene.
“Hannah!” Sophia exclaims happy, looking up from under the crook of a stray elbow, “Jesus Christ, what have you been up to?”
“What have I been up to?” I say, “What...What is this?”
“Oh, it’s a new piece I’m working on,” she says simply, “I’m trying to translate sexual energy into a visual representation. Cool, huh?”
“Sure,” I say, shaking my head in wonder, “And these people are...?”
“My collaborators, Jerry and Alphonse!” she says, nodding at the gentlemen who, I have to guess, are currently inside of her in one way or another.”
“Hi there,” I offer, edging into the room. The men smile up at me in turn.
“Would you like to join in?” asks the man I think is called Alphonse, “We could use a new, original burst of energy in our work.”
“I’m good,” I tell him, speeding up, “Rain check, maybe.”
I skirt into my bedroom and close the door firmly behind me. Even after all the strange things I’ve witnessed and experienced with Lukas, Sophia’s antics still boggle my mind. I rush around my bedroom, shoving clothes and personal items into a big, bulky suitcase. Behind me, I hear my door swing open. Glancing over my shoulder, I see Sophia padding into the room, her body graciously wrapped in a dressing gown.
“I thought you’d never be back,” she says, closing the door behind her, “I was starting to get worried about you.”
“I got wrapped up in the job,” I tell her, issuing what I realize is the understatement of the century, “Sorry I wasn’t better about being in touch.”
“What happened to your phone?” she asks, her brow furrowed prettily, “I tried calling about eight dozen times.”
“I shut it off,” I tell her, “After Sloan showed up here, and started a new volley of calls trying to get my attention, I thought it would be better to have a little radio silence.”
“You could have told me,” Sophia says, sounding hurt, “I thought s
omething terrible might have happened.”
“I’ve been fine,” I tell her, “See? All in one piece.”
“Sloan’s been calling here nonstop,” she tells me, “He’s been waiting for you to come down from your city on a hill.”
“Well, he can just keep waiting,” I say, “I’m going to be staying with the Roths for a little while longer.”
“Your patient is doing OK?”
I pause in my feverish packing. “No,” I say softly, “No...Gertrude passed away.”
“Oh...I’m sorry Hannah,” Sophia says, sitting next to me on the carpet, “I know how you can get attached to the people you take care of.”
“I’m OK,” I tell her, “But Lukas is taking it pretty hard.”
“Lukas? You mean Mr. Roth?”
“Right,” I say quickly, “Mr. Roth...”
Sophia eyes me for a moment, her eyes like x-ray beams, missing nothing. Her face breaks into a devilish grin. “You guys are fucking, aren’t you?”
“Sophia!”
“You are! You totally are! Oh man, that is excellent! Good for you, Hannah. I was wondering when the hell you were going to get some again! Tell me everything. What is he like? Rough? Tender? I need details, lady!”
“Sophia, I don’t have time for this,” I snap.
A pained expression settles on my friend’s face. “Jesus,” she breathes, “Excuse me.”
“I’m sorry,” I tell her, “It’s just...things have been a little weird, OK? A lot has been going on that I haven’t really had time to process.”
“Like what?” Sophia asks.
“What do you mean, ‘like what’?” I exclaim, “Like the fact that I’ve gotten myself all tangled up in an indefinable relationship with my rich-ass employer who happens to have an extremely dangerous and complicated past. Not the mention the fact that a dear friend has just died, I’ve been away from my real job for weeks, and my entire value system is being called into question even as we speak!”
“OK...” Sophia allows, “That’s...quite a bit.”
“You’re telling me,” I say, shoving a heap of clothes into my suitcase.
“When you say dangerous...” Sophia begins, “You don’t mean that you’re in danger, do you?”
“Sophia,” I say, “Let’s review my life here, shall we? I’m practically always in danger. What with Sloan on my tail, and everything? It’s something I’ve gotten used to.”
“That doesn’t mean you have to go looking for trouble,” Sophia says, “Is there something about this Lukas guy that I should know?”
“Absolutely not,” I tell her, “In fact, I’ve probably already said too much.”
“What are you talking about?” Sophia cries, “Hannah, you tell me everything. Since the day we met, we’ve never kept a secret from each other. What is it about this Roth character that has you shutting me out?”
“Sophia, I really can’t tell you about him,” I say, “If I do, he could be in a lot of trouble.”
“I don’t like the sound of this,” my friend says, “What are you even still doing, hanging around there? Your patient died, didn’t she? Why don’t you come home and forget all about whatever’s been going on up there.”
“It’s not that simple,” I tell her, “I need to stay for Lukas’s sake. He needs me.”
“For what?” Sophia asks, “To play out his sexy nurse fantasy for however-many-dollars and hour?”
I look up from my packing, shocked by Sophia's callous words. Though her hand flies to her mouth in embarrassed surprise, it’s not enough to soothe my temper.
“I’m sorry that I won’t be sitting around here as your captive audience, waiting to hear about your latest escapade instead of living my life,” I say, picking myself up from the floor. “I know how much you like to be the interesting, exciting one in the room, but I’m done playing the wallflower for you.”
“I’m sorry, Hannah,” Sophia says, rushing to the door and leaning her back against it, trapping me inside with her. “That was a stupid thing to say. I just don’t have any idea what’s going on with you, and it’s scaring the hell out of me. You’re acting like a totally different person. Please, just let me in. At least enough so that I don’t have to spend the next however-many weeks until you come back again worrying about you!”
“You have a funny way of expressing your worry, finger paint orgies and all,” I scoff, crossing my arms tightly across my chest.
“Well. Different strokes,” Sophia says, attempting a smile. “Come on, Hannah. Tell me what’s going on. I don’t need specifics or anything.”
I sigh heavily. Sophia’s never been one to back down from something she wants, even if it’s information about my personal life. I sink down onto my bed and pat the mattress, inviting her to come join me. Now that I’m easing the floodgates open, I have to admit that it might be nice to talk this crazy situation out with my one and only friend.
Sophia crosses the room at a gallop and sits down beside me, taking my hand in hers. The simple contact with someone from my old life, pre-Lukas, has a stronger effect on me than I would have guessed. For whatever reason, I find myself getting choked up. What the hell is that about?
“Hannah...” Sophia coos, throwing her arm around my shoulders, “What is it?”
“It’s just...everything’s changing so quickly,” I say, my voice choked with tears, “Ever since I started working for the Roth’s. I don’t know what it is about them...about him...but I feel like nothing in the world makes sense anymore. It’s like everything I’ve ever thought or felt has been tossed out with the bathwater, and I have to cobble together a whole new understanding of the world. I have to start from scratch again.”
“Dude, I’m sorry, but...I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Sophia says.
I laugh shortly. “Sorry,” I say, “I know this is all a little bonkers. It’s just...I’ve developed some major feelings for Lukas these past few weeks. Like I’ve never felt for anyone else before.”
“Do you love him?” she asks, “Is that what you’re saying?”
“No,” I say, “That’s not it. We’re not getting into the whole love thing, Lukas and I. We’ve both been through so much...I don’t think that either of us could be in love again, even if we wanted to.”
“So then...what’s going on between you?” Sophia asks, confused.
“I don’t know,” I laugh, “We’ve just...connected. We’re attracted to each other—physically, of course—but it’s more than that. We just understand each other. We’re a really good team. Good...companions. But the thing is...Lukas doesn’t lead a very conventional life. He’s been through things that have given him...perspective. It’s like he doesn’t even exist in the same world as the rest of us do. He’s beyond it all, somehow.”
“What is he, some kind of radical?” Sophia asks.
“Kind of,” I say, “I can’t be specific, really, but he definitely isn’t living by any set of rules that I’ve ever known.”
“Is he...safe?” Sophia asks.
“Yes,” I say quickly, “Or...He can keep me safe. I know it.”
“And you like this...other world he lives in?”
“I think I do,” I whisper, “It makes sense to me. Leaving behind a system of morals and rules that has only ever hurt you.”
“Hannah,” Sophia says, “I have no idea where this is going, but I trust you to know what’s best. I think you need to immerse yourself in whatever is happening with Lukas. Figure out what you think about his world, and whether or not you want to stay there. It’s not always a bad thing, living a little differently than the rest of the world. And I should know.”
“Does that mean I have your blessing?” I ask sarcastically.
“Sure,” Sophia says with a laugh, “For what it’s worth. Go forth and explore, my friend. You’ve been cooped up in that head of yours for far too long. If you’re hell bent on seeing Mr. Roth through this difficult time of his, then do it. But make sure you think long a
nd hard before starting some shit you can’t finish.”
As usual, in her own way, Sophia makes a good point.
“I have to get back,” I tell her, “I have a funeral gala to plan.”
“A funeral gala?” she says, raising her eyebrows, “And here I thought I was having fun with naked impulse painting. Since when are you the wild child around here?”
“Since Lukas, I suppose,” I sigh, “He’s...pretty wild himself.”
“That sounds promising,” Sophia says, “I take it the sex is amazing?”
“More than amazing,” I tell her with a grin.
“That’s my girl!” Sophia whoops, “Get the hell out of here, then! But be forewarned, next time you come back here, I will be expecting a full play-by-play. You can count on it.”
I give her a quick hug goodbye and scurry back out of my apartment before I can get drawn into any nude art projects. I try not to think about the fact that I have no idea when I’ll be back here again. Better to leave the question unaddressed, for now. Let Sophia carry on with her careless ways. The less she knows about the real Lukas Roth, the less in danger she is. The last thing I would want is for Sophia to be put in harm’s way because of something I did.
Casting my eyes around the parking lot, out of habit more than anything else, I hop into my Buggy and start the engine. My backseat is now filled with just about everything I own in the world. Already, the Roth Estate feels more like home than this apartment ever has. I realize, as I drive away once more, that I have no exit strategy for this little slumber party I’m having with Lukas. I don’t have any sort of game plan. All I know is that he needs me to be by his side right now, and that’s where I’m going to be.
What is going to become of Lukas and me? Can I really just leave, once he’s back on his own two feet, and resume my civilian life? After knowing everything I now know, can I just go back to my job, live my life, as if I’d never met Lukas Roth? There’s no certain future for us, after all, no promises of a marriage, or kids, or any of the things I’ve always assumed my life would include. The only thing I can be certain of with Lukas is boundless uncertainty.
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