“You aren’t having this baby. We can go to the clinic tomorrow. I’ll go with you. Please, Mom, don’t do this. You can’t handle another baby. I can’t handle another baby.”
I sat down at the table and begged her to be reasonable. By two am, I was fairly certain she would go through with an abortion. I hated that she had to do it but I would have felt much worse letting her bring another child into that house of hell.
I woke up early on Saturday morning and Mom was locked in the bathroom. Macy was crying outside the door so I picked her up and got her some cereal. I waited almost an hour for Mom to come out before I started to get worried. When Billy came out and needed to pee, I knocked on the bathroom door.
“Mom, are you okay?” I could her wheezing but she didn’t respond. “Mom, open the door.”
The toilet flushed and the shower turned on so I told Billy to go pee in the backyard. You would have thought I told him we were going to Disneyland by the way his eyes lit up.
“Really?”
“Yeah, just hurry up.”
When I heard the back door slam, I grabbed the key that Jesse kept above the doorsill so no one could ever truly have privacy and I opened the door.
I almost threw up when I saw all the blood smeared on the toilet and the floor. I quickly shut the door behind me so Macy wouldn’t wander in.
“Mom, what happened? Are you okay?”
Through the light yellow shower curtain, I could see that she was sitting on the floor of the tub. She didn’t answer so I pulled back the curtain to make sure she was conscious. Her arms were wrapped around her knees and the water ran pink around her. She looked at me through her tears and said, “I lost it.”
She didn’t need to say anything more. I kneeled down and pulled her to my chest. The warm water pelted us as she cried into my shoulder.
“I’m sorry but you know it was for the best. You can’t let this happen again.”
She nodded but didn’t speak.
“Do you need to go to the doctor? Do they have to do anything else?” I didn’t know much about miscarriages but it seemed like a doctor should be involved.
“I don’t think so. This has happened before. It was early enough that I think everything came out.” Her voice was barely a whisper between her sobs.
I felt queasy but didn’t move. I had to wonder if she forced it to happen or if it was just a coincidence that she miscarried right after our discussion. Either way, it didn’t matter anymore.
I let her cry until she couldn’t cry anymore. I even let a few of my own tears fall. Tears for the babies that she lost. And tears for the babies that she had. Life wasn’t fair to any of us.
Logan called around noon. I almost didn’t answer but I desperately wanted to hear his voice.
“Hi,” I answered on the third ring.
“Hey, beautiful. Are you okay?” Even though he sounded concerned, his voice still made me smile.
“Yeah, of course. How are you?” I could just listen to him talk all day.
“I miss you. I wanted to see if we could go to the movies or something.”
I wanted to say no but I really didn’t have a good reason not to see him. Jesse would never know and Mom would be okay for a few hours. She was already up and cleaning the house. Fortunately for us, she recovered quickly from most things. That, or she was just really good at hiding her pain.
“Okay.”
“Really?” He laughed, probably shocked that I actually agreed. “Can I pick you up?”
“Um, can we just meet somewhere? Maybe at two?”
“Yeah, that’s fine.” I could hear his disappointment but he didn’t make a big deal of it. “Meet me at Cold Stone and we’ll share a sundae while we pick a movie.”
An ice cream date. He was definitely a man after my own heart.
“A small sundae!” I smiled. It felt so good to be a normal teenager, doing normal things. I could keep up the charade for a little longer.
I changed into jeans and a light sweater and took off. Mom said she would take the kids to the park so I didn’t feel guilty about leaving for a few hours.
As I walked inside the ice cream shop, I saw Logan sitting at a table. He was on his phone so I quietly slipped into the chair across from him. He smiled at me and reached for my hand with his free one. I couldn’t help but smile as he gently squeezed it.
“If you need to go to the doctor, just ask my dad. He’ll take you. If not, then, I dunno, eat some crackers and take a nap or something.” He sounded more annoyed than concerned but I couldn’t help but worry about whoever he was talking to.
“Yeah, but I’ll have my phone off for a few hours so I’m not your best bet.” He pulled my hand to his mouth and kissed it.
“Feel better. Later.” He stood to put his phone in his pocket and pulled me up with him.
“You have no idea how happy I am to see you.” He held me against his chest and buried his nose in my hair. “God, you smell good.”
“It’s just shampoo.” I laughed, loving that he wanted to get so close. The feeling was mutual.
“No, it’s you. I love how you smell.”
I didn’t know what to say to that so I didn’t say anything.
When he pulled away, he didn’t let me go completely. He tucked me under his arm and walked us to the counter.
“What kind do you like?”
I loved all ice cream. It was one of my biggest weaknesses, which was why I couldn’t eat it often. But, I didn’t want to be rude so I pointed to the case.
“I like cake batter with brownies.”
He grinned and gave me a squeeze. “I knew you had good taste.”
We watched the lady mix our sundae in silence. After Logan paid, we walked back to the table he was at earlier.
“Is everything okay at home?” I asked.
“Yeah, why?” He scooped a small chunk of ice cream and whipped cream on the spoon and held it up to my mouth.
Despite feeling silly for doing it, I leaned forward and took the bite he offered. It was delicious.
“Sounds like someone is sick. If you need to go home, I understand. We can do this another time.” I didn’t know if I wanted him to take the out or not.
“Huh?” He seemed confused as he thought back to his conversation. “Oh, that call? No, it’s no one. Amanda’s staying with us and she was puking when I left. It’s nothing.”
My jaw dropped and my stomach clenched before I could compose myself. “Amanda is staying with you? Amanda from school?” Amanda that hates me? Amanda that is obviously in love with you?
“Yeah. Her parents and my parents are good friends. She stays with us whenever they travel...which is often.”
He didn’t bother to explain any further, apparently not thinking anything else needed to be explained. He was wrong.
“Well, that’s convenient.” I laughed to keep the snarky tone out of my voice. “She seems to really like you so that must make her happy.” I was smiling but he could see through it.
“She’s like a sister to me.” He put another bite of ice cream into my mouth. “Trust me, she’s not the one I want.”
“Come on. You can’t tell me that you’ve never fooled around.” I wanted to get up and walk out but I had no real reason to be mad. We weren’t officially together and I certainly couldn’t go back in time and change his past. I just hated thinking about him with her. Or anyone.
“Well, I guess a few times over the years but it wasn’t serious. She used to have a thing for me but now we’re just friends.”
I think I snorted. I didn’t want to react at all but he was completely delusional if he believed that.
“Right,” I said quieter than I intended. I didn’t want him to think it mattered to me. It shouldn’t have mattered to me.
“Hey.” He nudged my knee with his. “Come here.”
I was there. I was sitting less than two feet away from him. How much closer could I get?
He scooted his chair out and tugged my arm i
n way that had me on my feet then in his arms in one motion.
“I said,” he whispered in my ear as I fell ungracefully into his lap, “come here.”
The seductive command in his words made me forget what I was upset about. Every nerve in my body was on high alert.
“I’m here.” I stared at his big hand wrapped around mine, unable to face him.
“So am I.” He traced a finger down my jaw and tilted my chin so I was forced to look him in the eye. “With you. I don’t know why I can’t stop thinking about you but I can’t. And I don’t care who else might be interested in me...or you. They don’t matter. I choose you.”
He placed a soft kiss on my lips then pulled back, never taking his eyes off me. “And I hope you’ll choose me.”
I trained my features to remain neutral but I don’t think it worked. I felt dizzy with the emotions warring within me. Excitement. Fear. Happiness. Anxiety. Safety.
“Like, as your girlfriend or something?” I’d never been one to put myself out there and risk rejection so openly but I needed to know exactly what he meant. I couldn’t keep wondering any longer.
“Yes, I want you to be my girlfriend so my friends will back the hell off.” He was dragging his fingertips down my spine and I couldn’t think. If he wasn’t doing that, I’d have made a better decision. I would have told him that it couldn’t happen. My life was too complicated and I couldn’t put him in danger just because I was selfish. I would have thanked him for the ice cream then walked away. I would have tried harder to keep him safe.
But he was and I didn’t. “Okay.”
The smile that blossomed across his face cemented my selfishness. I wanted to be with him. I didn’t care about anything else.
He kissed me again but lingered longer. His tongue lightly passed over the seam of my lips and I couldn’t help but open up for him. I didn’t know what to do next but he was an excellent and patient teacher. His tongue gently wrapped around mine and he pulled back, taking my lower lip in his mouth and sucking softly. The fluttering that had been in my stomach moved even lower and my whole body trembled.
With one hand at the nape of my neck, he tilted my head and entered my awaiting mouth once again. I don’t think I took a breath until he sucked my tongue into his mouth and pulled off, leaving a trail of soft kisses from my jaw to my ear. When his tongue traced my lobe, I shuddered again.
“Mmm, you taste good,” he said against my ear. The hot air made my whole body tingle. I had been aroused before by books and movies but never like that. I squirmed in his lap and realized he was just as excited as I was.
I froze, afraid I had embarrassed him...or myself.
His head rolled back and he moaned quietly. “You feel good too.”
“Sorry.” I could feel the flush on my cheeks before I turned away, ducking out of his view.
His quiet laugh surprised me. He wrapped his arms around me and squeezed. “Don’t ever be sorry. I’m loving this.” He kissed the top of my head then leaned back in his chair.
I leaned against his shoulder and took a deep breath to calm my racing heart.
“So, you still wanna catch a movie?” His finger was twirling a lock of my hair as he watched me.
“Definitely.” If I didn’t get off his lap quickly, I was afraid of what might happen in the middle of that ice cream shop. Besides, it was getting crowded and we both needed some air.
We decided on an action comedy that had been out for a few weeks so the theater wasn’t full. We went to the very last row and settled in the middle seats.
The first ten minutes of the movie seemed good but I was mostly paying attention to Logan’s hand wrapped around mine. We started off with our hands joined on the armrest between us but somehow he shifted so they were resting on my thigh. Eventually, his palm was wrapped around my lower thigh, just above my knee.
I could barely breathe. I was terrified he would start to scoot up my leg. I was also worried that he wouldn’t.
He didn’t. He just drew circles over my jeans with his thumb.
I leaned onto his shoulder, melting even further into him as he inhaled deeply into my hair. Halfway through the movie, my phone vibrated in my purse.
I ignored it.
“Do you need to check that?” Logan asked.
“No. It’s probably just my mom.”
He probably thought I was rude but I didn’t want her to ruin my high from being with Logan. I didn’t know how long it would last between us and I wanted to enjoy every second of it.
I leaned into Logan’s shoulder and sighed contentedly. The way he looked at me made my body ignite. He stared at me for a long time, his face close to mine. When he glanced at my lips, I knew it was coming, but I wasn't prepared for it. He pressed his lips against mine and I was lost.
The kiss was gentle and precise. Logan softly ran his tongue over my upper lip, then my lower, sucking it into his mouth. His touch was featherlight but I felt it over my entire body. He obviously had a lot of experience, but I wasn’t thinking about his past. Only our present. When his tongue slipped inside and parted my lips further, I moaned involuntarily. I was making it totally obvious that I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. But my body reacted on instinct. My mind had lost all power to hold back. Unable to control myself, I reached out and touched his chest, feeling the lines of muscle under his shirt.
Suddenly, he broke our kiss but didn't pull away. He rubbed his nose against mine, looking into my eyes, then kissed me again. His hot breath came into my mouth and filled my lungs. The taste and smell of Logan Cooper was enough to do me in.
I felt the buildup of something foreign, something I couldn't control or understand. It burned between my legs. Every time my bottom rubbed against the seat, it was stronger. As our lips continued to touch, I felt the breach was very near.
When Logan pulled away, I thought I would scream. The movie had ended and people were filing out all around us. Logan and I looked at each, both breathing hard. That was the most sexual experience I’d ever had. I wanted more, much more.
We sat in the empty theater for a few minutes while we caught our breath and cooled down. Finally, without a word, we stood and walked toward the exit.
“Hungry? We can grab something before I take you home.” Logan’s hand was curled around my waist as we walked outside.
I didn’t mean to stiffen but I couldn’t help it. How could I be so stupid? Of course, he’d want to drive me home.
“Actually, I’m not really hungry but thanks.” I tried to come up with an excuse for going home on my own but nothing came to mind. “And I appreciate the offer but you don’t have to drive me. I’ll be fine.”
Logan stopped walking and turned me to face him, holding me firmly at the waist. “I’m not letting my girlfriend take the bus home when I am perfectly able to drive her.” He took my lower lip in his and nipped it softly. “No fighting me on this.”
Damn, damn, damn.
“You don’t understand. I’m not allowed to date and if my stepdad sees you, he’ll freak. I’ll be grounded forever. Please accept that.” I wasn’t above begging.
His brows furrowed as he contemplated what I was saying. “I’m not going to put you on a bus.” He tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear.
“What if I drop you off down the street? No one will know I drove you and I’ll be able to sleep tonight.” At least he was willing to compromise.
“Fine. But, you have to promise to leave as soon as I get out of the car. If anyone sees me with you, I’ll be dead.”
He pulled me against his side and started walking me to the parking lot. “A little dramatic, aren’t we?” He laughed and kissed my head.
I wish this was just hormonal drama at play. “Sorry. I guess I’m just not used to this.”
“What have you done with your other boyfriends? Were they all a big secret too?” His white mustang was parked right up front.
“It hasn’t really been an issue in the past.” I didn’t want to
admit just how inexperienced I was...or why. Amanda had already hinted that I used to be fat but he didn’t need a reminder.
“Why is that?”
“I haven’t really had a serious boyfriend before.” Or a non-serious boyfriend. Or any boyfriend of any kind.
“I find that hard to believe.” He opened the passenger door for me to slide in.
I looked up at him, wondering what he meant.
“You’re too beautiful to not have a trail of broken hearts behind you. I’ve had to threaten most of the guys at school to stay the hell away from you.”
I laughed. “Yeah right.”
I reached for the seatbelt but his hand stopped mine, holding it against my shoulder.
“It’s true. I knew from the moment I saw you that you’d be mine. I’m just glad you know it too now.” He pressed his mouth to mine harder than he had before. I felt the intensity of that kiss down to my toes. His tongue swept against mine, exploring within me. My hand reached up to his silky hair and held him tight, pulling him closer to me. The rough side of Logan Cooper was super hot.
There was no way I was taking Logan into my neighborhood. If he saw where I lived, he’d never agree to let me walk the rest of the way alone.
The houses on my block were small, single story cottages with barred windows and barren yards. There were pit bulls tied to trees every three or four lots and the ones in between had cars on blocks or random toys covering the dirt that was probably once a lush lawn. He could never go there.
I gave him directions to a neighborhood three miles from mine. It was the last block of a development that was being rehabilitated by Silicon Valley up and comers. I babysat for a family there a few times when I went to Miller so I had Logan drop me off at the end of their block. He gave me a long kiss and a sad look when I finally said goodbye. Both had my stomach fluttering as I got out of his car.
As he drove away, I started slowly walking down one side of the street. At the end, I waited to make sure he wasn’t coming back before turning toward the main intersection. I went straight to my old bus stop and checked the schedule. The last bus had just left so I kept going. It was faster to just walk home than wait forty minutes for the next bus.
The Outside Series - Complete Trilogy: Books 1-3 Page 6