I didn’t know what to tell her. I had no words of reassurance to give her. If Sammy didn’t recover, it wouldn’t be her fault. The blame would lie with the nanny who left two small children unattended by a swimming pool. But that’s not something you can explain to a child. I knew this from personal experience. She would have to live with that guilt until she was old enough to understand the truth, and even then, it would continue to eat away at her. That was a pain I knew all too well.
A sharp, watery cough caught my attention, and my head snapped up. Maddie had rolled Sammy onto his side, supporting his neck as he spit up a bunch of water he had inhaled.
He gasped for breath as Maddie soothed him.
“Look, Suri.” I pointed to Sammy and held back my own relieved tears. “He’s okay. Sammy’s gonna be okay.”
Her face brightened and she beamed up at me. “You saved him.” Her little arms wrapped around my neck and almost choked me. “Thank you for saving him.”
The sound of sirens came roaring up the street just seconds before two paramedics appeared on the patio. Maddie quickly rattled off the situation and listed everything she’d done while they started checking his vitals. As soon as she was certain he was in good hands, Maddie rose to her feet and came over to stand next to me.
She didn’t say anything, but the look she gave me made it clear she was proud. She was the only person who had ever looked at me that way so I knew it when I saw it.
I smiled and gave a quick nod. She may not have been one of my birth parents, but Maddie had been there for all the major milestones in my life so far. Her silent solidarity was a big part of why I hadn't completely lost my mind already.
For the next few minutes, I continued to distract Suri from everything that was happening with her brother. She was eager to tell me all about the birthday party that they were planning for him soon. I was only partially paying attention to the conversation as my mind toggled between her and myself as just a little girl. The only difference being that Suri would not share the same burden I did from this near tragedy.
Thankfully.
Amid the chaos, Mrs. Moorhead arrived while the paramedics were still attending to her son. They wanted to take Sammy to the hospital for a chest x-ray to rule out pneumonia and to make sure his ribs hadn't been broken from the life-saving CPR he'd received.
Mrs. Moorhead’s worried gaze kept drifting between her nanny and her daughter, unsure how such a scenario could even occur. One thing was obvious. She wouldn’t be able to take Suri with her in the ambulance, and she obviously didn’t feel comfortable leaving her alone with the incompetent nanny.
“I’ll look after Suri until Mr. Moorhead gets home,” I offered without hesitation. “We can go to my house and play dress-up.”
“Ooh!” Suri’s eyes grew wide and sparkled excitedly. “Can I, Mom? Please?”
“Thank you,” Mrs. Moorhead said with desperate smile. “Thank you so much, Kim. I’ll call Rob on the way to the hospital and let him know. He’ll come get her.”
Reaching for the hand of the little girl beside me, I gave her a gentle tug. “Okay, Suri, let’s go raid my closet.”
17
Suri was only at my house for about an hour before her father came for her.
“Thank you so much for watching her.” He gave his daughter a firm hug and held her in his arms. “We can’t thank you enough.”
“It’s fine.” I handed the scarf I was just about to put on Suri to her. “Here, you can keep this. It matches your eyes better.”
“Really?” Her green eyes sparkled as she rubbed the soft silk against her cheek. “Thank you.”
“Alright, honey. Let’s go see Mommy and Sammy.” He put Suri on her feet and she started walking toward their car.
“How is Sammy doing?” I asked quietly.
“He’s good, thanks to you. Stable and his lungs are clear. We should be able to bring him home tonight.”
“I’m happy to hear that.” I waved to Suri as she climbed into the car. “Good night.”
After they were gone, I went back inside and plopped onto the sofa in the living room where Maddie had started a fire in the fireplace. I still felt chilled from my impromptu swim and couldn’t seem to get warm. As I sat there in silence, I checked my phone for messages. Nothing new.
It wasn’t like me to sit around feeling sorry for myself. If no one was going to talk to me, then I needed to make an effort to talk to them. I was bred to socialize with just about anyone and to start conversations about anything. This wasn’t any different.
I pulled out my phone and began punching out a text to Liz. She’d be the most appreciative of this evening’s events. You’re never going to guess what just happened. I hit send on reflex but the moment it was out there, I began to second guess myself. Liz was probably out with Logan and wouldn’t appreciate the interruption.
I frowned as I stared down at my phone screen and waited for that little “read” indicator to let me know she had at least seen my message.
After five minutes, I gave up. If she hadn't checked it by now, then she wasn’t going to reply to me tonight. I’d have to just tell her about the entire thing at school.
The thought of school gave me an idea. If I pushed for it, I could probably get the school paper to do a story about my daring rescue. That would go a long way toward reversing the damage those rumors had done to my reputation without it looking like I was trying to brag at all.
It wasn’t my finest hour, but I was desperate. I ran upstairs to my room while pulling up the phone number for one of the editors I knew. She’d definitely want to interview me and get my story out there.
I was right about the interview, but wrong about it helping my reputation. Unfortunately, because of my reputation, they didn’t believe me. They wanted proof and since I didn’t have that, the story wasn’t going to happen.
How had things gotten to this point for me? One minute I’m on top of the world, and the next, I’m a lonely pariah.
The entire day had been one pointless exercise after another. At least until the moment when I saved Sammy’s life. That’s when at least one thing changed for me. Whether anyone else knew it or not, I felt something then that I hadn’t felt in a long time.
A sense of accomplishment. I liked the feeling but with it came an equally strong sense of pride in myself. And that’s what I really wanted to share with the world.
So far, the only people who knew what happened were Maddie and the Moorheads. My parents weren’t even home to celebrate my daring rescue. My best friend wasn’t answering my texts, and the newspaper didn’t care about my shameless attempt to get recognition.
Like everything else I’d done, this achievement would fade into obscurity with no one to really share the memory with. Getting first in my only gymnastics competition. Being MVP in my peewee soccer team. Breaking a school record with the middle school track team. Even winning my one and only beauty pageant just before Freshman year. None of it had garnered the least bit of recognition from anyone.
Well, except for Liz and Maddie. I could always rely on them to celebrate my successes. But now Liz finally had a stable, healthy life of her own and Maddie...as important as she was to me, there was always that niggling doubt in the back of my mind that she only pretended to care because she was paid to.
The realization of just how lonely I actually was hit me hard. My entire life, I’d never wanted for friends, boyfriends, or the constant adoration from other people. My parents never gave me the time of day, but their absence in my life has been the norm for so long that I mostly forgotten about them. Not having their unconditional love has forced me to seek it out from other people. But now that everyone I cared about was slipping away from me, each absence was felt all the more keenly.
I was alone.
I had always been alone.
My social life was just my way of filling the emptiness that gnawed inside me.
I took a deep breath and laid out my clothes for school th
e next day. The outfit I’d picked out was all wrong. A turtleneck sweater and some cute jeans were simple enough, but they would hug my curves in a head-turning fashion. At least that’s how they used to look. I held up the sweater in front of my torso and examined myself in the mirror. No, it wasn’t right. My few extra pounds would be apparent under the snug sweater, and that was unacceptable.
I fished around in my closet until I found a romper that my mom had bought for Liz back when she was staying over at my house all the time. Liz's build was a little thicker than mine, but damn did she make it look good. I held up the romper in front of me and checked the reflection. It wasn't a great fit, but I could make it work with some clever layering.
It was deeply demoralizing to feel like my closet had turned against me. I was stuck trying to piece together an outfit that hid all the things I didn't want anyone to see, and it sucked. I wasn't used to that. I wanted to wear clothes because they were cute, not because I could hide under them.
With a final look at my reflection in the mirror, I furrowed my brow. I was Kim Curtner. I was strong, independent, and forward thinking. I needed to take back control of my life. Everything that was happening to me right now was just a momentary stumbling block. Over time, things would settle back into their old patterns again.
Liz and I would hang out just like we always had.
The awkwardness in our group would disappear.
And everything would go back to the way it was before. I just had to stay strong. I was the backbone of our group—always had been. More often than not, I directed our path. Soon, they’d want me back. They’d miss me too.
In an effort to not only get back into shape and to stay busy, I called up the yoga studio I frequented and signed up for classes both before and after school. A couple of days of intense workouts was exactly what I needed to get back on track both physically and mentally.
“That’s it, girl. You’ve got it.” Satisfied that my wallowing was over, I changed into my pajamas and crawled into bed.
Tomorrow was a new day, and I planned to be ready to seize it.
I could tell I was in a dream by the way the walls rippled around me. The tile on the bathroom wall reminded me of our old house though the bathtub was far bigger than the one in real life. I smiled and laughed as I played in the bubbles and splashed water.
I hadn’t been in that tub since I was very small. So much time had passed since then.
Suddenly, the mood within the dream shifted dramatically. I could see a lifeless form floating face down in the water. Even without looking closely, I knew it was eighteen-month-old Kiley, my baby sister. Her blonde curls gently wafted in the water around her head as I laughed and splashed at her funny game.
I didn’t understand back then what was actually happening. I’d never experienced death before and wasn’t afraid of anything. The concept of someone being there one minute and then gone the next was completely foreign to me.
But I wasn’t a toddler anymore. Now I knew what it meant when she never lifted her head up. Now I understood why my mother was screaming when she came into the bathroom. She looked like a giant standing over me. A giant who I loved and adored—and who loved me back.
The shriek of terror, pain, and rage that my mother released was unlike anything I had heard or would ever hear again. She snatched Kiley from the water and carried her out of my sight, like she was mad. I thought Kiley was in trouble for splashing too much, but I hadn’t done anything wrong so I wasn’t afraid. But I didn’t like being left all alone.
That was the first time I ever felt lonely.
People were moving around in the house and my mother’s wails still drifted down the hall, but no one came for me.
The water around me turned cold, but still no one came for me.
I wondered if the entire world had forgotten I was there too. They’d taken my sister away and left me behind, but I didn’t know why. I was confused and alone and cold.
Eventually someone, I think it was a female cop, came and got me out of the tub. She wrapped me in a towel and asked me to show her where my bedroom was. I asked for my mom as she helped get me dressed and warmed up. Her words were kind and soothing, but they didn’t ease my fear.
I just wanted my mommy.
When we went into the living room, my parents were huddled together on the sofa. I didn’t see Kiley but I just wanted to be with them. Even though there were a lot of strangers in the house, I immediately ran past them to my parents, anxious for a hug and some reassurance.
When my mother saw me, she screamed and shook her head like she didn’t know who I was. She turned away from me with disgust on her face, curling her arms against her chest so I couldn’t reach out for them.
“Mommy!” She wouldn’t even look at me so I tried to climb into my dad’s lap. “Daddy!”
His expression wasn’t as aggressive as my mom’s but he held up his hand to keep me at bay. “Go to your room, Kimberly.”
“Daddy?” I tried to get past him but he turned toward my mother.
“Now!”
I didn’t understand it then, but within in a few years, it all began to make sense.
They blamed me for my sister’s death. And they were right to blame me because it was all my fault.
I woke up in the dark with tears streaming down my face. It had been a long time since I’d dreamt about Kiley’s death. It used to be a source of constant terror for me, but I’d managed to lock that shit down and throw away the key years ago.
At least I thought I had.
Yesterday’s excitement with Sammy must’ve knocked that lock loose again.
I wiped my eyes on my sleeves and glanced at the clock on my night stand. It was two in the morning and I needed to be up for my early yoga class in a few hours. But the thought of going back to sleep, submitting myself to that nightmare again, scared me.
Still breathing heavily as I waited in silence for my heartbeat to slow down, I stared up at the ceiling and tried to calm down.
Out of habit, I reached for my phone. Normally, in a situation like this, I’d call Liz and she’d make me feel better. But she still hadn’t even read my text from earlier, so I knew she was probably dreaming about being wrapped up in her boyfriend’s arms, and I didn’t want to wake her up. After everything she’d been through, she deserved some peace.
Without thinking about the consequences or the meaning of such a gesture, I dialed Austin’s number. It was dumb but I didn’t want to be alone right. I needed someone to talk to. Someone who was strong and made me feel safe. Someone I cared about.
He answered on the second ring.
“Kim? Are you okay? It’s the middle of the night. What’s wrong?” He sounded groggy and confused, but not angry.
What was I thinking? Out of all the people I could have called, Austin made the least sense. But I couldn’t just hang up on him. Besides, the sound of his voice felt like a warm blanket on my heart, and I immediately felt better.
“I...I just needed to talk to someone.” It was a lame excuse, but telling him I had a bad dream and was scared to go back to sleep would have sounded lamer.
“What’s wrong?” His voice sounded a little clearer, and I could hear the concern in his tone. He didn’t chastise me or tell me to call someone else. He just wanted to know what was wrong. My heart tightened at his words. Just talking to him like this felt like a hot knife sliding through my veins.
But it woke me up, chased away the dreams, grounded me.
“I...I couldn’t sleep.” I swallowed hard, hating to lie but not knowing what else to say. “I just kept lying here, thinking about how awkward everything was at school yesterday. I hated it.” That part wasn’t a complete lie. This was definitely a conversation we needed to have. “We’re part of a group of friends, and we can’t avoid each other forever.”
“I tried to tell you that when you first started this,” he countered somewhat sharply. “You’re the one who has been avoiding me. I haven’t gone out of
my way to do anything. If you want to stop pushing our friends apart, then do it. You’re the only one causing problems here.”
Ouch. But I deserved that.
“It’s not that easy.” I rolled to my side and looked at the leaves swaying on the branch just outside my window. “I can’t just...I still have feelings for you, Austin.” I clenched my jaw, shocked I’d said something so—honest. I hadn’t intended to confess anything real to him. I just didn’t want the conversation to turn into an argument. Apparently, my brain and my heart were in conflict about the best thing to say.
“Then why did you dump me?” His voice was barely above a whisper, the pain easy to detect. “Because I wouldn’t sleep with you at the winter formal?”
“Because you’ve been jerking me around,” I shot back. “You’ve never told me one way or the other how you actually feel about me. It wasn’t just about sex, you know. You got completely wasted and passed out on the one night we had together. I kept asking you to stop drinking but you refused. I just...I don’t understand what happened that night.”
“You wouldn’t understand,” he said with a sigh. “You can’t understand. No one can. It’s just the way things are. I can’t... Dammit, I shouldn’t have asked you to the dance in the first place. I thought I could make it work, but I can’t.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I knew he couldn’t see how angry I was, but that didn’t mean I was going to hold back my evil glares to the phone in my hand.
“It just means...I’m sorry for leading you on.” I could practically hear him shaking his head sadly. “I’m sorry for getting drunk too. I was nervous, and I didn’t know what else to do.”
“Nervous?” I dropped the attitude for a second, genuinely surprised. “Why?”
“Just...please don’t ask any more questions, Kim.” Austin’s voice was strained as he spoke. “If you want to go back to being friends, then fine. I just can’t be anything more than that.”
The Outside Series - Complete Trilogy: Books 1-3 Page 17